Part of The List

Olivia deals with the last things she said while on separate road from Natalia , hoping it leads to the same thing. I'm following the show as much as possible, of course pretending the pregnancy thing isn't happening but I'm willing to grin and bear it.

This was originally a go between for Fix You, but it was too long, complicated and there just wasn't enough angst. With the shenanigans that Olivia found herself in, it made sense to just give them their own story I guess. I had a hard time trying to find a song that matched the angst and since this involved a lot of lists, I figured why not. Enjoy.

Title: NE-YO-Part of The List

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Olivia was convinced that the God Natalia had left her for had a warped sense of humor. She sat quietly outside of the farmhouse, her new favorite retreat, drinking white wine after spending the past two hours on the phone with Ava. She hated having to break the news to her about Jeffery and she hated still that everyone had someone else to mourn with while she had her bottle of White Zinfandel to console her. Her entire world was collapsing and it had only been a handful of days since the barbecue; did sand really pass through an hourglass like this, or was it just that she was much more painfully aware of the world around her now that Natalia was gone? She closed her eyes, defiant tears squeezing through her shut lids as she listened to the sounds of the woods around her, the creaking of the trees, the birds and the sound of her own heartbeat, ticking away the moments she was alone.

I really am alone in this. Her mind spat bitterly, pouring herself another glass. She toasted to Jeffery, her glass held up to the gray sky, before taking a deep swig from the glass and letting the gentle buzz that was warming her skin wrap its arms around her tightly.

Shayne's question burned in her head. "Who are you going home to?" Olivia tried to avoid his curious gaze as she thought of an answer while watching Dinah's arm snake around his. She thought quickly, "Emma's going to be home from camp…" she felt better having said it but foolish at the same time. She didn't want to have to tell two children the same terrible news and not have respite from it; she didn't want to cry alone like she had been doing as of late without having someone to console her. At least I get to cry about something other than Natalia. She shivered at how bitter her thoughts about Natalia were becoming; they were almost venomous as she felt that piece of her heart that belonged to Natalia slowly freeze up. She brought her right hand up to her scar, her fingertips brushing it softly as though the friction could dislodge some of the frosty chill that was settling between her ribs. She knocked the bottle back again, her mouth filling with wine before her throat knotted up with emotion.

Her cell phone rang and she grabbed it as though her life depended on it. She grimaced at the voice on the other end. She'd forgotten to pick up Emma. She swallowed hard, hung up and stood up, the movement knocking the wine bottle into the glass tossing it to the floor. It shattered. Olivia glanced over her shoulder at the broken glass, rolled her eyes and headed to the car.

*******

Olivia was grateful Christina had taken Emma but the gratitude was quickly replaced by her mounting disgust with her lack of sobriety. Do I really look that drunk? She rubbed at her temples, eyes closed as she sat in her car, the air conditioning on full blast. She had to return to the farmhouse and clean up the mess she'd left behind but bitter reasoning kept her from rushing back. Natalia's not here to complain. She twisted the key in the ignition, the car humming to life. She had no idea where she should go, where she could go and what she would do if confronted with other people. She knew they could see right through her, her grief was too heavily weighed on Natalia's disappearance and her misery was too great with Jeffery's death. She wanted to go home to The Beacon but that would only inspire even lonelier drinking and if she went back to the farmhouse, which would only bring about lonelier drinking outdoors.

She opted to go to Farley's.

*********

Olivia found a strange comfort in finding Josh seated at the bar, his head propped up on his folded up under his chin, sunglasses on a beer sitting in front of him.

"Well I'm glad to see I'm not the only one drinking in the middle of the day." Olivia mused watching Josh shift in his seat. He glanced at her, shades still on.

"Well, sometimes the day just calls for it." He drawled.

"You got that right my friend." Olivia replied, her hands folded in front of her in the middle of the countertop. She banged the bottoms of her still folded palms together on the counter in frustration. I really shouldn't be drinking like this.

Josh pushed back from the bar, took his beer and ambled over towards Olivia. "Actually," he slid his shades off, pocketing them. He braced himself on his elbows on the countertop. "I could use a friend right now"

"Let's hear it. They're dropping like flies" Olivia replied, her head propped up in her left hand. She stared at the back wall of the bar, eying the hard liquor that started back at her. She closed her eyes, realizing what she'd just said. "That didn't…I didn't mean…" She kept her eyes closed, chiding herself for the slip.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it." Josh replied. "Here's what I think. You've had the same kinda day that I've had. Somehow the universe is conspiring to put us together to cheer each other up."

Olivia suppressed a smirk. "I don't think I'm capable of cheering anybody up right now."

"I think you could cheer me up." Josh insisted, bringing his eyes to meet Olivia's intently.

"Uhhh…I can't." Olivia managed, pink coloring her cheeks. For a moment, she wasn't sure if it was the wine she had earlier that caused the flush in cheeks or the fact that there was a genuine connection between her and Josh.

"I'm not talking about that, don't flatter yourself." Josh remarked. "Here's the deal. I hope you have a lot of cash on you right now because I'm gonna take you over to that pool table and I'm gonna kick your butt. How's that?"

A small smile crossed Olivia's face as she looked up at Josh who stood up with squared shoulders as he nodded towards the pool table at the back.

"We'll just turn our brains off for a few minutes." He added, enjoying the smile that was lighting up Olivia's features.

"Yeah. I could stand to forget who I am for a little while." Olivia replied, pushing up from the bar.

"And I could stand to be with somebody who's not gonna throw things at me. So. Let's get it on." Josh quipped as Olivia hopped from her seat and strutted towards the back of the bar, a smirking Josh in tow.

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Olivia burped into her palm as she watched Josh break. He smirked as two striped balls sank into the right corner pocket one after the other. "I guess I have high balls."

"That's nothing to be proud of." Olivia grinned, taking a deep swig of the beer. Pace yourself. She warned herself as Josh squared off his shot again. He scratched and groaned as he watched the cue ball sink into the middle pocket, disappear and re-emerged at the top of the table in the return pocket. Olivia slid off her barstool and grabbed her pool stick.

"What? That's probably the only time you're ever going to refer to my balls…" Josh remarked, gesturing to the table as Olivia placed the cue ball on the table with a thud.

"Always a classy guy…" Olivia quipped, squaring her shot, her right eye squinting dramatically. She fired and knocked her billiard ball into the center pocket with ease. She fired away again, easily making that shot and shot that followed. She winced as she eyed the table, remembering the night she and Natalia were in Farley's playing pool with Josh and Jeffery. She reached for her bottle of beer again, swallowing the hard knot that was forming in her throat.

"I think you're gonna hustle me…" Josh quipped, leaning against his own barstool, eyeing Olivia as she felt the knot fall into the pit of her stomach.

"Probably right." Olivia replied with a nod, chalking up the tip of her pool stick before she bent at the hip to line up her shot. She fired and let out a groan when her shot missed, sending the ball ricocheting around the table.

Josh smiled and rubbed his palms together. He took his pool stick and studied the table intently. "Kinda fitting that we're here right now isn't it?" he asked, lining up his shot.

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked, finishing her beer in one gulp.

"Wasn't too long ago that we here with Jeffery and Natalia." Olivia nodded silently in agreement, wincing at the mention of Natalia. Am I that transparent? She wandered over to the bar, placing her empty bottle on the counter top. She watched as another one appeared in front of her, icy cold. Pace yourself. She took a small sip and watched Josh for a moment.

"It's weird isn't it?" she asked, as he fired and missed his shot altogether. "How we can be here and there's nothing but terrible things happening out there…?"

Josh nodded as he leaned against the wall and took a swig from his own bottle. "It is weird." he agreed, folding his arms across his chest. "Weirder still when you know that life goes on…"

"Why did he do it? Why did he leave?" Olivia asked. She realized it was a loaded question; she was asking more about Natalia than she was about Jeffery. "There was so much good going on for him…I mean he had Reva and Colin…He was happy."

"He and Reva were framed for that John Doe murder and you know him…he was never one to back down from a fight." Josh paused and watched Olivia as she thought about what he said. "He was protecting his family. Us, really. He was convinced that Edmund was still alive somewhere. I tried to keep him safe, but…"

"What do you mean? John Doe? It wasn't Edmund?" Olivia asked, the game forgotten. Did I really miss that much?

"There was a mix up at the hospital and it looked like the guy that was killed, looked a lot like Edmund but it wasn't him. Jeffery and I were busy trying to solve the case ourselves and I was supposed to go and track down Edmund. He and I had been working on it for months…" he shook his head. "I feel responsible for what happened to them. To Colin and Reva."

"You can't blame yourself." Olivia replied, her left hand resting on his left shoulder. "All you can do is be there for Colin and Reva."

Josh nodded absently as he stared at the pool table. "What about you? How are you?"

"Hanging on." Olivia replied simply.

He stared at her profile. "Olivia. Really."

Olivia stared at the pool table quietly, trying to figure a way out of answering the question. She bit her lip and nodded. "I think I'm gonna sit down for a bit." She said nodding towards a nearby table.

"Talk to me." Josh urged. Olivia slid into a nearby table and set her beer on a coaster, watching a bead of sweat slide slowly down the green glass.

"What do you want me to say?" Olivia mumbled absently at the bottle, her eyes glancing at Josh who was still propped up against the wall.

"Whatever it is you're thinking."

"What I'm thinking? I'm thinking that life is just one long joke but nobody but God gets to laugh." She lifted the bottle to her lips and drank slowly, relishing the chill of the beer as it coursed down her hot throat.

"I don't think so." Josh replied, watching Olivia closely. "Life isn't a long joke."

"Then what is it?" Olivia shot back.

"A journey."

"A journey? What? Are you gonna tell me don't stop believing while you're at it?"

Josh chuckled. "If you like." He finished his beer before speaking. "Life is a journey and many many people have walked it before you or I. They have learned so much from it and one of those things is that life is marked with trials and tribulations…Love and loss. We learn from them everyday."

Olivia nodded, as she clutched her beer in both hands her right thumb rubbing out a drop before it moistened the coaster her bottle sat on. Josh ordered another beer and sat down across from Olivia.

"How's Ava?"

"She took the news better than I am. I think…I think both my girls are stronger than I am."

"Well, they get their strength from you." Josh replied.

"All this news about Jeffery all this tragedy…I always thought that he had a spare life or two up his sleeve y'know? In case he wanted to bail out of this one. Keep expecting him to show up. Say surprise." She took another pull from the beer.

"He did seem invincible, didn't he?" Josh asked, staring off at the ground.

"Why aren't you with Reva?" Olivia asked, staring Josh down.

"Who?"

"Reva…"

"Ah…yes…" Josh replied with a broad smile. "Well, she needs to be alone right now, she's mourning her husband and uh, I think my presence reminds her that I'm alive and he's gone."

"Doesn't she know how lucky she is to have you lookin' out for her?"

Josh waved off Olivia's question. "No no no…Do not blame her for anything right now…"

Olivia held the bottle to her lips, eyeing Josh as he eyed her warily. "You're not showin up with casserole to try and get her in the sack are ya?" she asked, her tone surly before taking another pull from the bottle.

Josh blushed. "That's true…I just feel like she needs her space. I need to know when to be there and when to back off." He watched Olivia as she fidgeted with her beer bottle on the tabletop, listening to him. She brought her eyes up to meet his and saw the sadness that filled her eyes. She broke the contact.

"Y'know I wish…I wish I could do that. I'm just afraid that if I actually step back than it's all REALLY gonna be over." She stared at the neck of her beer bottle intently, running her thumb along the neck label. Josh eyed her curiously as she stared ahead of her, her face the definition of melancholy as she eyed the label with an almost exaggerated interest.

"Are you okay?" he asked, realizing that she'd avoided the question the first time he'd asked her. Olivia busied herself by tearing at the label, feeling microscopic under Josh's gaze. "And by the way, where's Emma?"

"Emma…Emma is with uhm…with Christina." She answered, pulling a small piece of the label away from the bottle with her right thumb and forefinger. "Y'know Remy's wife? She saw that I wasn't in the best shape so she offered to take Emma for a little bit." She tore off another scrap of paper, rolling it between her thumb and forefinger before leaving the mess on the table next to the bottle. "Didn't want me driving around with my kid in the car." A sardonic smile crossed her glum features. "Didn't want me driving around."

"Well you listened. That's a good thing." Josh said silently, watching Olivia admiring her handiwork with the destroyed label.

"Y'know I make mistakes on a daily basis but I never show up drunk to pick up my kid." Olivia's words choked out of her as she angrily flicked a piece of the beer label at the table, watching it flutter towards the tabletop. "I dunno. I'm just a mess." She moved her hands away from the bottle, looking at Josh. "I guess everything just feels wrong when the person you love is gone right?" she asked, her voice thick with emotion, grabbing the bottle and knocking it back, hoping that the lump in her throat would be swallowed along with the beer.

"Right…" Josh breathed. He shifted closer to Olivia in his seat, his features etched with concern.

"Mhm." Olivia replied, her mouth busy with the bottle her eyes welling with tears.

"It's okay…" Josh whispered.

"Right?" Olivia nodded empathically, her eyes wide as though she could keep the tears from spilling.

"It's okay…" Josh repeated.

"I'm right? Right?" Olivia pressed, her left hand clutching the bottle like it would anchor her to sanity for a moment or two longer.

"Yes. You're right." Josh admitted finally.

Olivia nodded, her teeth holding her bottom lip. Everything is wrong. She absently nodded again at Josh who was leaning back in his chair, lost in his own thoughts. She took a deep swig from the bottle, holding it at the neck ad she drank, hoping that Josh wouldn't notice the fact that she hadn't come up for air. She finished the bottle and rolled her eyes behind closed lids hoping to chase away the tears that threatened to spill. She leaned her head back and stared at the ceiling as thought noticing it for the first time. She was embarrassed twice in one day, first with Christina and now with Josh. That's got to be a personal best for me. She bit the inside of her bottom lip absently, biting until she felt the tiny pricks of pain which caused her to let go and inhale deeply.

"Another round?" Josh asked, nodding towards her empty bottle with his chin.

"Oh…no…I was thinking of getting out of here actually…" Olivia admitted with a small smile. "I think I should try and let myself together at least…"

"Well, let me get you some water then." He said, grabbing his own bottle and crossing towards the bar.

"Thanks." Olivia said to his back. She sighed again and rolled the bottle between her palms, taking whatever moisture remained on the glass and wiping her hands with it. She sat up straighter as Josh placed the large glass of water with a straw in front of her.

"There ya go." He said as he sat down again.

"Thanks." Olivia drank the water appreciatively, laughing to herself at her surprise that it didn't taste like the stuff she'd been drinking the past few hours. She came up for air and gave Josh a half smile.

"Thirsty?"

"Just a little bit. I'm gonna go to the ladies room…" she replied, standing up and fixing herself up.

She stood in the stall for five minutes, clutching herself as silent tears slid down her cheeks.

Olivia left the restroom and found Josh still seated at the table, finishing his beer. He stood up, rounded the table and met her half way. "Ready to go?"

Olivia nodded and led the way out.

The sound of the street hit them and she found herself blushing as she realized that Josh had been a good friend to her, despite the fact that she was miserable and he felt like crap. It dawned on her that Josh was only around her when there wasn't anything good happening in her life.

"I'm sorry." She blurted out, Josh's hand braced on her right shoulder as he followed her. "You always seem to come around when I'm in such bad shape." She gave him a small smile, hoping to mask her embarrassment and sadness..

"Don't be sorry. You're gonna be okay." he replied.

"I'm…I'm drinking alone. I drink so much that some nice person that I barely even know has my kid because I was too drunk to drive. And what did I do? Did I go get a cup of coffee and sober up? No."

"No no, you went and you ended up shootin' some pool with your amazingly handsome ex husband, one of them anyway, probably the most handsome of them…"

"He is…you are…stop" Olivia agreed, smiling and covering her face with her left hand. "I wish I could laugh about this." Her smile faded.

"I'm sorry I feel like I was a bad influence." Josh replied solemnly.

Olivia shook her head no. "You were great." She reached across towards him, grabbing the middle of his button down shirt and pulling him towards her. "You've always been great." She smiled at him as his right arm reached across her shoulder and pulled her into a tight hug. "You keep me out of trouble."

********

Josh insisted on driving Olivia back to the Beacon, despite her assurance that she was okay. They sat in the car quietly, lost in their own thoughts as he drove and she looked out of the passenger window, watching the scenery fly by. She wondered where Natalia was and her hand slid into her pocket to find her phone. Maybe she could just sneak in a quick text message…She released the phone from her grip, letting it slide back into her pocket. She wouldn't answer it anyway. She hasn't called you or sent you a message, why bother? She sighed as Josh pulled into the parking lot. Home sweet home. I wish I meant that.

She let herself into the apartment and stood in the doorway, blocking Josh from entering. "Thanks for getting me home okay." She braced her left arm across the threshold, watching Josh shifting his weight from foot to foot as he eyed the interior of the apartment. He gave a mhm response.

"You sure you're gonna be alright…?" he asked, eyeing Olivia intently, his arms behind his back a smirk on his face.

"I need a shower…" Olivia blushed again. She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or if it was the fact that out of her exes, Josh was the handsomest of them. Charming bastard.

"Aw, me too!" he replied, the smile widening.

Olivia nodded. "That wasn't an invitation."

"Yeah…"

"Yeah…"

"I'm just a very visual guy…and I have seen you nak…"

Olivia brought her left hand over his mouth, clasping it shut cutting off the rest of his sentence. She snickered at him, smothering his smug smirk under her palm. "Thank you. For trying to cheer me up. I promise next time I'll be good company."

"I might hold you to that." He replied, all manner of joking wiped from his face. He reached over and cupped Olivia's face in his hands, tipping her head forward to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. "You take care of yourself alright?"

"Yeah…" Olivia breathed. She stepped back and pulled the door between them.

"I could do your back…" Josh offered as the door closed on him,

"AH! Stop!" Olivia shot back, her finger pointing at him in warning as she closed the door between them. She dumped her purse and keys nearby and rounded her bed towards the nightstand on the right. Her smiled faded as her eyes landed on the New Years' photo of herself, Natalia and Emma. She picked it up gingerly and studied it, the smile replaced by sadness. She ran her fingertips across the glass, brushing them over Natalia's image and placed it back on the table. She slid off her jacket and tossed it onto the bed.

Her stomach grumbled.

She hadn't eaten. See Natalia, I told you I could have a liquid diet. She rummaged around the apartment for the snacks she kept stashed around and let out a sigh as she rummaged through the liquor cabinet for a snack. She shoved the bottles aside and grimaced as she found nothing but more wine and whiskey. She sat on the edge of her bed, her stomach grumbling as she eyed the photo warily. She'd lost track of how long it'd been since Natalia left and the fact that all manner of time was kept using Natalia as the timekeeper scared her. She realized that virtually every waking moment she'd had since, what? When? February? were marked entirely around the things she'd done with Natalia. She kicked her heels off and slid father up the bed, resting against the headboard. She pulled the photo into her lap and stared at it, trying to commit it into memory even though she already remembered every detail of the photo. She was mesmerized by the fact that the picture had been taken in that strange time when they'd become a team; they were a real family and she was caught off guard with how comfortable they were with the idea. She was surprised she'd managed to function for as long as she had before Natalia had entered her life. It's almost embarrassing to think that I could even be THAT needy, sickness or health. Her stomach growled again, reminding her that she needed to put something in there besides booze.

Olivia reached for the landline and dialed downstairs, deciding for once, she'd use her power for good. She asked for the mini fridge to be stocked with soda, juice and some fruit for Emma and the saltiest chips they had in the kitchen. She hung up and stared at her cell phone as it lay on the bedspread staring up at the ceiling, it's screen dark. Are you even thinking about me? Do you even care? Does it bother you at all that Jeffery is dead, no one knows who killed that man who looked like Edmund and you're nowhere to be found? Has it occurred to you at all that if you're scared of what's going between us all you have to do is speak to me? Just tell me what's wrong…I'm going to listen to you…

She put the photo back on the nightstand and sighed heavily as she reached for the cell phone and pressed the center button to unlock it and go to her contacts list. She warily eyed Natalia's name, the photo Emma had taken staring back at her blankly, her thumb hovering over the 'send message' prompt. Olivia chewed her bottom lip pensive as she stared at the screen. I have no idea what I would say. She let the screen go dark before she let it slide from her lap as she slid out of bed and double checked the liquor cabinet, certain she'd missed something in her search for something to shut her stomach up.

Olivia let out a sigh of relief as she pulled out a bag of potato chips from the back of the cabinet. She tore into the bag and made her way to the bathroom, determined to take the shower she said she was going to take and clear her mind. She munched away as she turned the shower on, the warm water spraying her hands. She stood in the bathroom, fully clothed, listening to the sound of the shower as it overpowered the sound of her crunching on the potato chips. What the hell is going on with me? I wonder if she's thinking of me. She has to be, she has to be thinking about me…she has to have some idea of what this is doing to me…to us. I hope she's not hurt…God. That's all I'd need, to know that she left and I didn't find her in time and something horrible happened to her…Olivia slid against the wall, sliding until she sat down on the bathroom floor, still shoveling chips absently in her mouth. She felt a sharp pain in her ribcage. She felt another little fracture in her heart. That's great. That's just great. She rubbed her pinky against the scar, massaging the pain. She heard the front door open. She kicked the door closed, listening to the sound of his footfalls on the carpet as he puttered around the apartment, loading the fridge with her requests and leaving snacks on the table before quickly exiting. She wasn't sure if she heard the door close. She didn't care either.

I remember when Natalia did that. She'd come in, do her job, try to avoid me and get out fast. I should've taken away her pass card the moment it thought of it. Made her knock instead of letting her in the way I did…I should've done a lot of things differently but…I told Dinah that if I ever fell in love again I would do it all differently. I did it differently for sure. She shoved another handful of chips into her mouth. I fell in love with her. I fell in love with someone I couldn't deal with. I fell in love. She groaned. She hated this. She hated waiting. She couldn't be patient the way Natalia wanted her to be. Maybe she's right, I want what I want now. Then again if that were true, I could've slept with Josh right now and not have thought twice about it, good company or not. I want her and I can't have her. Stop thinking. She shoveled another handful of chips in her mouth, mumbling to herself. "These are way too good…"

She heard a knock on the front door, a groan escaped her lips as she waited for whoever was intruding on her sulking time to get a hint and leave.

"Livia…The door's wide open I'm just comin in. Are you here?" a voice called out over the din of the shower.

Olivia winced. Blake. She hadn't spoken to or seen her since Natalia left and she was sure as hell the last person that Olivia wanted to be around. Closing her eyes she weighed her options before saying anything.

"Come on in!" Olivia called back, her mouth full of potato chips.

Blake blinked fro a moment before closing the door behind her, dropping her purse on the bed and heading towards the bathroom door.

Olivia moved herself from just inside the door to the edge of the linen cabinet, her back leaned up against it. She was clutching the chips and eating them slower now, realizing that she was making a complete mess of herself. She looked up as Blake entered the bathroom, another mess of chips in her mouth. "Hey. Ya want some?" Olivia asked holding up the bag towards Blake. Blake stared at her for a moment before sitting just inside the door where Olivia had been moments before. "They're good." Olivia mumbled as Blake made herself comfortable. She reached over and took a handful, staring at Olivia as Olivia stared absently ahead of her. "See what I'm sayin?" Olivia asked, watching as Blake ate and she shoved more chips into her mouth.

"Sup?" Blake asked, watching Olivia dig deeper into the bag.

"Christina saw that I was drinking," Olivia held another chip before her lips, rubbing her nose with the back of that hand "so she took Emma for the day. I can't even hide what I mess I am in front of my own kid." She mumbled before she shoved the chip in her mouth. "You think Natalia's gonna come back?" she asked quietly, glancing over to Blake, a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"I don't know." Blake replied.

"You have to know something. You were the last person who saw her." Olivia pressed, sadness replacing the hope in her tone.

"You're here. Rafe is here."

Olivia looked down at the chips as the bag sat in her lap. That's not the answer I was looking for Blake. Maybe something like, yes a thousand times over…or…something. "Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Did I do something to make her run away like that?"

"I don't think so."

"Well…when she told you about us did she say anything? I mean, c'mon…" Olivia pressed, her shoulders bunching up into her neck, eyes welling with tears. Don't lose it again.

"Do you mind if I turn the water off?" Blake asked.

"Meh, I don't feel like taking a shower anyway." Olivia grumbled, popping another chip into her mouth. She sat in her place as Blake pulled herself up, climbed over her to get to the shower to shut off the water. Olivia popped another chip into her mouth. Making a face, she stood up and left Blake in the bathroom, still clutching the potato chips. She crammed another handful into her mouth as she re-entered her bedroom and sat on foot of the bed. She could still hear the water running. Blake followed her into the bedroom.

"What's going on? I thought you were gonna turn off the shower." Olivia said around a mouthful of chips. She rooted through the bag for another handful, watching Blake as she made her way towards her.

"Uh. Change of plans." Blake replied, flopping next to Olivia on the edge of the bed. "Here. Give me the chips." She reached over for the bag. Olivia pulled them away just out of Blake's reach, the fingers of her left hand shoving another helping into her mouth. Blake captured the bag, rolling it up and tossed it onto the bed behind Olivia, who groaned at the act.

Olivia smacked her hands together, wiping away some of the salt and grease "C'mon honey." Blake urged, grabbing the neck of Olivia's blazer and tugging it off. "We gotta put you in the shower." They stood up side by side with Blake successfully tugging Olivia's left arm out of the sleeve.

"No." Olivia whined, not putting up much of a fight. "What're you doing…?" She let her right arm slide out of the blazer as Blake pulled it off her shoulders from behind.

"I'm gonna put you in the shower. You need to get in there because you need to figure out what you want your life to be." Blake said, folding the blazer up and tossing it on the bed where Olivia had been sitting. Olivia finished chewing her chips and tugged on the hem of her red tank top.

"I do know what I want my life to be. Natalia is my life and she's gone." Olivia replied, scratching absently at her elbow and backing away slowly from an over helpful Blake.

"Yeah. I gotta tell you something, here, come here. I gotta take this off because she's not here anymore, at least, for now." Blake replied, grabbing Olivia's left wrist and undoing the clasp of her watch. I forgot I had that…Olivia watched as Blake worked and spoke. "She's doing whatever she needs to do and you, you're gonna have to live with that." Blake used Olivia's watch to emphasis it. "You have to figure out what you need to do."

"I don't know what I need to do." Olivia barked.

"Go back to your roots. That's gonna tell you everything. Ok? Just go, take a hot shower relax. It's gonna look so much better afterwards and so will you. C'mon." Blake replied, holding Olivia be the shoulders, gently squeezing them before marching her off back to the bathroom. "Go. Go. Go." Blake ordered.

Olivia eyed Blake as she turned her on her heels and shuttled her to the bathroom. What the hell does my hair color have to do with anything?

Blake closed the door between them and exhaled, bracing her right hand against the closed door.

Olivia stood awkwardly in the bathroom, watching the water as it splashed against the curtains, pooled at the drain and disappeared. She sniffed at the collar of her tank top. I don't smell like booze which is a good thing. She tugged the top off and tossed it onto the closed toilet lid. She shucked her shoes and jeans, piling them on along with the tank. She let the water hit her, her eyes feeling dull as she stared at the condensation that built up on the tiles. She watched the bead of water she flicked from the edge of her right index finger land on a tile and slide down before disappearing into the grouting. What am I supposed to do when she is my life and she's out of it? How can I just sit and wait? I can't. I'm impatient. She hates that I'm impatient but that's just who I am. I'm not rushing for an answer I just…yes I am I'm rushing for an answer. I just want to know what I can do to make it better. I'm willing to leave her alone if that'll make it better…I just need to know. She soaped up and scrubbed her face quickly, hoping that Blake would be gone by the time she got out. Probably not. She stood and let the water rinse the soap off her neck and shoulders before she shut the water off and reached for a towel. Roots. She meant Natalia's roots. Maybe that's a hint, maybe she really did go to Chicago.

Blake was flipping through a magazine when Olivia emerged from the shower, clad in the clothes she'd been wearing moments before.

"Feel better?" Blake asked looking up from the magazine a small smile on her face.

"Tons." Olivia lied. "I think I'm just gonna hang here and wait for Emma to come home."

"Good. See. Nothing a good shower can't fix." Blake stood up from her seat and tucked the magazine back into her purse. "Try and relax okay? You'll see, it's all going to be okay." she squeezed Olivia's right bicep before heading to the door.

"Thanks Blake." Olivia replied, following her.

"Don't worry about it. I'm here if you need me." Blake replied, standing in the doorway. She gave Olivia a hopeful smile, a small wave and left. Olivia didn't reciprocate. She braced herself against the door and looked around the room for her phone. Finding it was still on the bed, she crossed the room, reached for it, checked the battery on it and tucked it into her pocket, hoping that at some point, maybe, Natalia would see fit to call her. Maybe she'll have some pity. She grabbed her purse and waited ten minutes, making sure she'd given Blake enough time to go wherever it was she was going. She reached for the bag of chips and munched on some as she came up with a game plan.

If Frank wasn't going to help, then she knew someone who could.

****************

Olivia resisted the urge to jump for joy when she found Remy seated at his desk. Frank was nowhere to be found. She entered the room and walked slowly towards Remy who looked up in surprise.

"How you feeling?" he asked as she approached his desk. Olivia's fingers fumbled around with a scrap of paper.

"Fine." Olivia responded automatically with an affirmative nod. I have no idea if he's asking about Jeffery or if Frank told him about Natalia and I.

"Christina said you were a little under the weather that's why she…" his voice trailed off as she watched Olivia shift nervously from one foot to the other. Olivia avoided his gaze, staring at the scrap of paper instead.

"I'm fine." she repeated. "Look, I…I need some information. This is one of my uhm, employees' social security number so, could you…I need a list…of previous employers…" This isn't going very well.

"Olivia, this is the police department we don't do that. Why don't you just contact the employee?" Remy responded, leaning back in his chair, the springs creaking under the shift in weight.

Jesus he sounds like Frank. "I can't." Olivia said, still fidgeting with the scrap of paper with Natalia's social security number scribbled on it. This isn't going to work.

"If you think someone's stealing money from you and you wanna do a background check you have to go to PI first, Ok?" He stood up in one fluid motion and brushed past her to leave the room.

What is with the cops in this town?! "Natalia's missing." Olivia blurted out, turning and preparing to follow Remy wherever he went.He stopped in his tracks and gaped at her. See that Natalia. All your exes are worried about you.

"What do you mean, she's missing?" he asked, his boots squeaking as he moved.

"I mean she's gone any nobody knows where she is. And if they know, they're not talking. And I'm worried about her."

Remy gaped at her. "Rafe?"

"He doesn't know."

"How long has she been gone?"

"Fourth of July."

Remy grimaced.

"Look I know, I have no right to ask you for anything but, uhm, it's not like her to disappear like this, right?" Olivia replied, a hint of fear in her voice.

"Yeah, no no it's not. Do you think the whole….the whole wedding thing with Frank?"

Olivia flinched at the suggestion. How long ago was that? Who cares at this point? I'm so beyond that right now. "I think she's been having a really hard time so…can you help me with this?" she held out the paper to Remy, pleading with her eyes. "Please?"

"Yeah." Remy took the scrap and looked at it. "I'll check her tax records to see if there's any old addresses."

"Great" Olivia breathed as sigh of relief. "You were a good friend to her." She tacked it on almost like an after thought.

Remy gave her a tight lipped nod, turned on his heel and walked out. Olivia tried to hide her disappointment and left the precinct. She sat in the car for fifteen minutes, her eyes glazed over with tears. What the hell was I thinking? Asking Remy to do a background check on her like that? Like that's going to make a difference. She did a great job not wanting to be found. I'm getting desperate now but what else can I do? Frank was no help, Blake isn't talking and I'll be damned if I have to ask Doris for more help. And Ray. She slammed her right palm against the top of her steering wheel. I wish I had a friggen drink right now. She shook her head.

"No. No you don't. You don't need that, you need her and you need to find her and bring her home." Olivia said out loud, the sound of her voice in the car startling her. This has got to work. It has to. I've tried everything else. What's the worse that could happen? She started the car and left the parking lot.

**********

How many times have I driven this car here? Why do I bother doing it? Why do I sit here, alone, in the car and stare at it like some clue is going to fall out of a window or a drain pipe? Olivia was parked outside of the farmhouse alongside Natalia's car. She glanced out of the passenger window to the car, as though Natalia herself would be sitting in it.

It was empty, just like the house.

She stared at the curtains as they sat motionless in the windows, the window sills probably collecting dust. Her eyes flicked over to the mess she'd left on the front steps, chastising herself for leaving it there in her haste to get Emma. God. Emma. What am I going to say to her? Sorry Jellybean, mommy scared off Natalia just like she scares off everybody. Have a cookie. She rubbed at her nose with the heel of her right palm, it was sore from being blown too much. She climbed out of the car and ambled slowly towards the shattered glass that lay on the ground. You're a mess. A freaking mess.

Olivia climbed out of the car and took her time walking to the front of the house. She stooped over and gingerly picked up the larger pieces and piled them together into what remained of the dome of the wine glass. This was a good glass too. She returned the car and popped the trunk, looking for a plastic bag to dump the shards in. Finding one, she walked back to the front of the house and picked up the shards, gingerly tossing them into the plastic bag. I have no idea why I'm doing this? It's not like she's going to just show up one day and find this. She picked up the empty bottle and tossed it into the plastic bag alongside the shards. She looked at the car then at the bag. Great. The last thing I need is for one of Springfield's finest to pull me over with a shattered wine glass and empty bottle in the front seat. She looked around the house, trying to track down where the trash was. She rounded towards the back, finding the garbage bins pristine as far as garbage goes. She found the blue bin and flipped it up to drop the bag in.

It was empty.

She deposited the glass into the recycling bin, closing it and opened the bin on its immediate right.

It was also empty.

"You've got to be kidding me." she muttered to herself. "You leave me without a word but you take out the damned garbage." She slammed the lid down on the bin and rounded to the front of the house in a fury. "Natalia?!" She bellowed again. "Are you here? Are you screwing with me?!" she yelled at the expressionless windows. She stormed up the steps again, tore the screen door back and tugged furiously at the front door knob. It didn't give. She banged her clenched fists on the door, causing it to rattle in the frame. "Open up. I know you're in there! I know you're there! You're watching me! C'mon Natalia open the damn door!!" she shook the knob again and kicked at the base of it with her foot. Sharp pain shot up through her toes rattling her knee as she released the knob to hobble back from the door, muttering curses under her breath. She sat on the stairs and grit her teeth as she pulled off her shoe to rub the aching toes. She suddenly realized as she gingerly rubbed the injured digits that she could've easily broken her foot. What good would that do you? You need to calm the hell down, Olivia, you're coming apart and everyone can see it. She grimaced as she flexed her toes. Nothing was broken but her heart. She slid her shoe back on and limped back to the car, slamming her door shut and sulking in the driver's seat before starting the car again and driving away from the house.

The street slid slowly past her as she drove, knowing that she needed to get back home quickly but in no real rush to do so. Her phone rang in her pocket and she picked it up, not caring about S.P.D or traffic laws. She remembered the headset she bought for herself and Natalia. Load of good it'll do me now, I have no clue where the hell it is.

"Hello?"

"Hey Olivia? It's Remy."

"Hey Remy, what's going on?" Olivia replied, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice. She was hoping it was Natalia.

"I've got a list of places back in Chicago for you…" he replied as he shifted papers around on his desk. "Where are you?"

"Oh. I'm on my way back to The Beacon. You can fax the information directly to my office. Got a pen?"

"Yeah, sure." He reached over on his end and jotted down the number Olivia gave him. "I hope it helps."

"Me too. Thanks Remy." Olivia replied, hanging up. She felt better knowing that there was a piece of good news waiting for her when she got in.

***********

Olivia burst into her office, cell phone pressed against her ear as she rounded the desk to check out the papers that had come in. "Hey Christina if you could just drop off Emma at my office as soon as possible I'd really appreciate that. We're going on a little field trip to Chicago. I have to get her packed. I'm great, much better now. Thank you so much. Bye!" she hung up and gathered her planner and whatever else she needed before exiting the office.

I can do this. I'm not going to give up just yet.

************

Olivia crammed as much clothing as she could into her luggage bag, shoving it down with her palms putting her weight into it. She had gotten a handful of hours of sleep, shot up at 7 am, showered and prepared herself for another trek to find Natalia. She'd gotten Emma packed up and was busy finishing off her own packing. This is going to work. I have the information I need and I know what I'm going to say. " C'mon Em! Let's go!" she called, clapping her palms against her black jean clad thighs. "We have to hit the road early, go pick up your brush."

"Why do I have to miss camp?" Emma whined, propping her luggage back up next to her.

"Cos sweetie, this is important. It's gonna be fun, it's gonna be an adventure. Did you pack everything on your list?" Olivia replied, still cramming things into her bag.

"I think…" Emma said with a shrug, watching her mother warily as she packed and repacked her luggage.

"C'mon Emma this is important to me." Olivia pleaded.

"But we were gonna make cupcakes…" said Emma.

"Enough, alright? It's gonna be fun, it's gonna be like a scavenger hunt now go pack you're your toothbrush and use the bathroom because we're gonna stop we have a plan. Ok?" Emma dutifully entered the bathroom while Olivia reached for the framed photo of Natalia that sat on her desk. She crossed back to the open luggage bag, gazing at the photo. "Everything's gonna be good." She reassuringly whispered to the photo. She clutched it to her chest before placing it right on top of her folded clothes and closing the bag. Her mind drifted to Blake's warning about going back to roots. Roots. I'm going to dig through Natalia's past and see if I can't find something of use.

Olivia had somehow managed to herd Emma downstairs, praying she wouldn't snap at her daughter as she complained about missing camp, her friends and cupcakes. I'll buy you a dozen if you just go with me on this one, Jellybean. She put their bags in the trunk before walking to the driver's side and sliding in. She clipped her seatbelt and turned around as Emma spoke, hoping she was hiding her irritation.

"I wanna see my friends at camp." Emma complained.

"Honey, I know you do but you're gonna be a great helper to me. You're good at navigating and you can…can sing songs and keep me awake." God, just tell her already. "We're gonna find Natalia and we're gonna tell her we want her to come back home."

Emma's face lit up at the mention of Natalia. "We're gonna find Natalia?"

"We're gonna find her and we're gonna bring her home." Olivia replied, feeling her own excitement matching Emma's.

"Why can't we just call her?" Emma asked.

Why do you have to be so logical? "Cos that's not the way it works. She has to…she has to see us you know? She has to see that we care about her and then she's gonna give us hugs and kisses…" her mind wandered on the thought of kisses. "Why don't you pick a song? Okay? Just pick a song and start singing it and we'll just get there faster, okay? Em?"

Emma was crestfallen. She watched her mother as she seemed to twitch in her seat, hoping that she was convincing.

"C'mon. Sing." Olivia pressed, trying to be as cheerful as possible. "Why aren't you singing…?"

"Because you're scaring me." Emma replied, wincing as the words left her mouth.

I'm scaring me too, kiddo. Olivia closed her eyes and sighed. She reached into her purse as it sat on the passenger seat and dialed up Jane. She pressed herself against her seat, waiting for an answer. She heard Emma shift in the back, clicking her seatbelt as she watched her mother's brows knit together. Olivia pressed the fingers of her right hand to her temple, massaging it absently as she waited for Jane to answer.

"Hi Jane its Olivia. I'm going to drop Emma off to you in a bit because I've got to head out of town on business and she really wants to stay for camp. D'you think you can take her for the day? Okay. Great." She hung up the phone and tossed it into her still open purse. She turned in her seat to face Emma. "Okay Jellybean, I'm taking you to Jane and you're gonna get your cupcakes. How's that sound?"

Emma beamed and nodded emphatically.

Olivia started the car. At least one of us gets what they want.

***************

The needle flirted with 70 mph and she knew she need to slow down but she'd already lost so much time dropping Emma off and promising her that she'd find Natalia. Everything is going to be okay. She felt like a broken record promising something that really wasn't hers to promise; she wasn't guaranteed to find Natalia on this trip, let alone that if she did that she could get her to come home. She eased her foot on the gas, the needle dropping to a comfortable 65. The right speed. Her eyes flicked towards the dashboard to check the time. It was still early enough for her to hit at least two of Natalia's old jobs between now and getting back in time for Jeffery's memorial.

He's really gone. Everybody leaves.

She pulled into the empty parking lot of the first bar listed in Natalia's list of previous employers. No wonder she knew how to make a mean martini. Olivia mused, shutting the car off and exhaling sharply. She climbed out of the car and entered the bar. She tsked as her phone vibrated in her pocket. "Yeah, Jane, thanks for taking Emma to camp. You're gonna stay with her until I get back?" Olivia eyed the back of the bartender's head as he moved behind the bar, loading up the shelves with fresh glasses. "Great. Tell her she can call me okay?" she shifted her weight nervously from foot to foot. "Great. Bye."

She slid the phone into her pocket and crossed towards the bar, resting her back on the seat of a nearby stool. "Hi. Hello."

"Hey. Hi…" the bartender replied, wiping down a glass before placing it on the back runner of the bar and turning to face Olivia.

"Are you Jonesy?" Olivia asked, her hands braced along the backs of the chairs that lined the bar.

"Jonsey, that's me, hi. Do we know each other?"

"No we don't. We have a mutual friend, Natalia Rivera."

"Nat!" Jonesy beamed, wiping his hands into his rag. "Yes, great girl. I think she married Nicky!" he said jovially, his left hand on his hip as he gestured towards Olivia with his right.

"Yeah, she did." Olivia replied with an emphatic nod and small smile. "Uhm, Nicky's dead." He doesn't have to know when it happened, just that it happened…

Jonesy stared at Olivia in disbelief. "Nicky's dead?"

"Yeah. Sorry…I…Natalia's really upset obviously and she took off any nobody knows where she is and I thought that maybe she came back here?" Olivia replied. This is getting me nowhere fast.

"I haven't seen her." said Jonesy. He seemed genuinely upset that he hadn't.

Olivia cocked her head to the left, eying Jonesy suspiciously. Enough crap already. It's impossible that nobody in this state has seen her. "See…I think you're lying to me." Olivia could feel her grip on sanity slowly slipping. Where the hell would you go?!

"No…" Jonesy replied.

"Yeah…I think you are. I can see it in your eyes. You are. She's been here, you've seen her, and you know where she is so why don't you just tell me."

"Look lady I'm telling you…"

"I want to know. I need to talk to her d'you understand? So I need you to tell me just tell me where she is and I'll go."

"Well like I said…I don't know."

Olivia twitched. If she wasn't near Springfield, she was close to Chicago and I'm in freaking Chicago with someone who said he's never seen her. "Okay. You know what, I've got time. I can hang out here so don't mind me alright?" She rummaged through her purse to pull out a pair of handcuffs. I was going to drag her back in these but you know what? She's gotta stop by at some point to use a bathroom or or or to stop by somewhere to say hi before she moves on to another town or city…She crossed the floor towards the empty window frame and hooked one end of the cuff around the slat, the other around her wrist. She stood facing out of the bar, determined to get an answer. OK what the hell am I thinking? This isn't going to do anything besides get me tossed in jail. She braced herself against the frame and waited for something to happen.

She wasn't surprised when she heard Jonesy reach for the phone under the bar and dial for the cops. She hadn't thought of a game plan going beyond the driving to every job Natalia had ever had. Tracking her down based on her habits didn't work the first time why would it work now? Because Remy did some illegal social security tracking to find her jobs? Because this time felt better than the last time? What the hell Olivia?! She stared out of the window, waiting for the inevitable police car to roll up. Wouldn't it be great if it was Frank that showed up to get me? That'd be great. Icing on the cake of my life at the moment.

"Look lady, I called the cops, I hope you have the keys for them cuffs there." Jonesy said, bracing his hands on the countertop, staring Olivia's back as she waited. "I already told you, she's not here, I haven't seen her and if she's gone, it's probably for a good reason. I'm sorry."

Olivia ignored him. You're not sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm pathetic. I keep chasing after someone who doesn't want to be found. I don't think I have the key either, it might be buried somewhere in the bottom of the bag. Who cares? She shifted her weight from foot to foot as a police patrol car rolled into the parking lot. She heard the sound of the car doors open and shut before she saw the door swing open and a uniformed officer walked in.

"What's going on Jonesy?" he asked, ambling over towards the bar, eyeing Olivia as he approached.

"This woman came in here asking for someone who I haven't seen and when she didn't like the answer I gave her, she just cuffed herself to the frame."

The officer turned his gaze to Olivia's back, watching her as she shifted her in place. "That true, miss?" he asked.

Olivia didn't move. She stared ahead of her, staring out of the window. What're you gonna say? No officer, see, what happened was that the love of your life walked out on me without a word, left me no freaking breadcrumbs leaving me in my diminishing mental state to go on a wild goose chase…digging through her past in the hopes that I'll catch her somewhere and what I did just to clear my mind was cuff myself to the bar so I could think. No. None of it is true. Jonesy's making it up. Have a good day.

"Excuse me, miss, I'm talking to you." The officer's voice butted into Olivia's thoughts. He stood on her right, standing akimbo, eyeing her.

"Mhm?" Good answer Olivia.

"Do you have the key for that lock?" he asked.

Olivia winced. "Probably somewhere in my bag…" she looked at his badge. Cooper. Perfect.

"Probably isn't an answer. Do you have the keys or not?"

"I don't know. I didn't think to check…"

"Okay." Officer Cooper nodded. "I need some I.D. Have ya got that at least?"

Olivia nodded. "My purse…" He picked up the purse gingerly and deposited it in front of her. Olivia picked up her wallet with her free right hand and held out her id. He nodded.

"Springfield eh?" he fished into the utility pocket of his belt and pulled out the dead man's key.

"You wouldn't happen to have family there would you?" Olivia asked, hoping the answer was no. Maybe God is merciful.

"No, Ms. Spencer, I don't. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put you under arrest for trespassing." He unlocked the cuffs and put on his own handcuffs. "You have the right to remain silent…"

**********

"This is ridiculous! I wasn't trespassing I was waiting for a friend, you can't possibly keep me in here for doing something as simple as that!" Olivia whined, staring at the profile of the police officer that stood just outside of her cell. "I wasn't even bothering the guy! I just…"

"Listen, I need you to keep it down." The guard urged.

"Oh what? Am I annoying the other prisoners? There's nobody here!" Olivia fired back. "Hey! Don't I get a phone call, I want a phone call!"

The guard shook his head and stared ahead of him, ignoring her. Olivia turned on her heel and sat on the small concrete bench at the back of the cell, staring at her shackled wrists in disbelief. Great work, Olivia. Great. You get arrested for trespassing in a bar Natalia worked in probably when she just turned 21, a bar she hasn't thought about in God knows how long. You get arrested by a guy whose last name is freaking Cooper and you're alone in the middle of a Chicago suburb no where NEAR closer to finding her. She rested her chin in her hands, staring at the concrete floor, feeling like the world was crumbling around her. I have nowhere else to go. Remy's list is useless, they're all going to say the same damn thing. I haven't seen her, I don't know where she is and then call the cops. The rate I'm going I'm going to have a rap sheet a mile long.

"Hey…" she whispered after a moment of silence. "Can I get that call now?"

He stared at Olivia as she sat quietly, her hands held out pleading. "Yeah. Hang on." He disappeared down the hall and returned with a cell phone. "One call." He held it out to her.

She dialed the only other number she knew by heart.

"Hey Josh, it's me."

Josh smiled as she added sugar to his cup of coffee. "Well be still my beating heart. You up for a little pool today, I'm feeling lucky."

"Well, if you come and get me I'm in." Olivia replied.

Josh's brows knit together in confusion. "Oh, I see, you're already ahead of me on the drinking thing then and you need a ride. Okay. Where are you?" he smiled at the thought of having to be the white knight to Olivia's damsel in distress.

Olivia crossed her fingers. "Chicago. I have my car. I just need some bail money."

"I'll be there ASAP." He hung up and shook his head. He pocketed his phone and headed out, coffee cup in hand.

**************

"I'm pretty sure there's a misunderstanding here…" Olivia said, speaking to the guard as though he cared.

"Lady. I told you, keep it down, okay? Your friend will pay your bail and you can be on your way."

Olivia sucked her teeth. "Have you ever lost someone you loved for reasons you can't explain? Not to death, but just because they couldn't talk to you? They just up and left you in the dust without a word or a message or a reason. Has that ever happened to you?"

The guard, Officer Mason, cricked his neck, his arms folded across his chest. "Listen, I'm gonna put you in solitary in a second if you don't stop talking to me."

"I already am in solitary…" Olivia grumbled.

Mason shifted on his feet and gave Olivia a sideways glance. "Y'know, a lot of people have hard times dealing with things, some of them go on vacation, get a drink or just do something to keep them occupied. If you cared about your friend so much, you would've done one of those things insteada getting arrested."

"I tried all of that, didn't work."

"Try harder next time."

Olivia grunted and pushed away from the bars, her hands held uselessly in front of her in the cuffs. He doesn't care. The world doesn't care if you're miserable, Olivia, deal with it. It's bad enough you're going to have to owe Josh an explanation, how are you going to explain it to Emma when you have to come back to Chicago for a court date or something? This is exactly what happens when you don't think things through. I wonder if Natalia has gotten into trouble…I wonder if she's okay…I wonder if she's in the same place as I am…

"I don't even think she cares at this point." She said aloud without realizing.

"What's that?" Mason asked, glancing into the cell.

"Nothing…"

***************
***************

"Spencer!" Officer Cooper's voice boomed down the hallway as he rounded the corner from the office towards the tombs. "Congratulations, you made bail." He nodded for Mason to open the cell. "You're very lucky, Jonesy's not pressing charges." Olivia mentally thanked God for small miracles. She stepped back as the door swung open and Mason entered.

"Hands up." Mason ordered and Olivia obediently held up her wrists, watching as Mason unlocked the cuffs. She rubbed her wrists and exited the cell.

She followed Officer Cooper as he headed back to the front office where Josh stood waiting, a smug look on his face. "Hey you." He greeted watching as Olivia took a seat next to the processing desk. She watched Cooper sign off on a few forms before he slid the paperwork over to Olivia who signed it dutifully and waited for her personal items to be handed over to her. "Now Ms. Spencer, I'd like to think you won't be doing something like this again. Am I right in this assumption?"

"Yep." Olivia replied, rummaging through her purse, blushing at the sound of the cuffs as they clinked at the top of her bag. She hoped Josh hadn't seen them. "I'll keep the cuffs in the bedroom."

Officer Cooper glanced up at Josh. "She's all yours."

*********************************

Olivia rubbed her sore wrists as she followed Josh out of the precinct. "Thank you, so much. That guard was unbearable."

"He said the same thing about you." Josh replied, a smirk on his face.

"How much do I owe you for this?" Olivia asked, ignoring his playful barb.

"I'm not gonna tell you."

"How am I gonna pay you back?"

"Oh, you'll pay me back, Olivia, you will pay me back." Josh countered, sliding off his shades, a cocky grin brightening his face.

"Alright, I at least owe you an explanation cos you came all this way to bail me out…"

"Stop. You don't owe me anything at all okay? I have several scenarios in my head about what was going on and I like them all and I think I'll stick with them."

"It was a good…explanation." Olivia offered.

"I'm sure." Josh said, turning to get into his side of the car.

Olivia made herself comfortable in the passenger seat, clicking her seatbelt and watching Josh out of the corner of her eye. She bit her bottom lip, hoping he wouldn't ask any more questions but she felt herself wanting to share.

"So, where's your car?" Josh asked, backing out of the parking space.

"Jonesy's Bar on Route 19."

"Ah. What's it doing there?" he asked casually as he reached over and punched in the bar's name into his GPS.

Doris was right, everyone has one of those. "I stopped there…"

"To drink? Long way from Farley's."

"To look for Natalia." She blurted out.

"Natalia?"

Olivia swallowed hard. "She's missing and I just…I wanted to know why she left and the only thing I could think of was going through her past…."

"This isn't about the wedding is it?"

"No."

Josh nodded. "How long have you two been…"

"Not long. Well. Long but…"

"Since before the wedding I'm guessing…"

Olivia blanched. "Yeah…is it obvious?"

"It was obvious the day I stopped by the wedding shower, you had that unnatural glow that comes over a person when they're in love. You had it with me, but to be fair I think it was brighter…" he chuckled as he glanced over at Olivia who was staring wistfully out of the windshield. "So you thought that handcuffing yourself to a bar in Chicago was the best way to find Natalia."

"I wasn't thinking?" Olivia replied with a shrug. "I'm lost Josh. I miss her."

"So you were talking about her at the bar the other day."

"Yes." She looked down at her hands and flexed her fingers. "Jeffery was the only person who'd figured it out…"

"He always was a smart guy."

Olivia nodded and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I just wish I knew why she left…she seemed so…God, would you believe that I don't even remember what she was like before she disappeared?"

"Grief does that to people."

"If she wanted to leave, she could've just said goodbye, I would've understood…."

"Sometimes Olivia, the hardest thing to do is say goodbye…That it?" Josh gestured with his chin at the parking lot of Jonesy's, her car still sat in the same place she had parked it.

"Yeah. That's it." she said, grateful that he was dropping the subject. That's two more on you, Natalia. I can say that I love you to my ex-husband but you can't even say you love me at all. She winced at the old stabbing pain that lanced through her ribs. I have to stop being so cold. She slid out of Josh's car and fished around her purse for her car keys.

"Hey, Olivia?" Josh called, turning putting the car in park and stepping out.

"Yeah?"

"I won't tell, okay?"

"Thanks…but it doesn't matter at this point. She's gone and that's that."

"I don't think so…if she left, she probably has a good reason and when she's ready to come home, she'll go running to you. I know I would."

Olivia blushed. She crossed the front of the car and grabbed Josh into a tight hug. "You always know how to talk to a lady." She chuckled, her face buried in his neck.

"I never said you were a lady…" Josh quipped, wrapping his arms around Olivia and matching her tight squeeze. "Just promise me you'll take care of yourself for real this time. I don't think the Lewis' have enough money to bail out one Spencer." He chucked her gently under the chin with his right hand. "Race you back to Springfield?"

"Loser buys a round." Olivia replied with a small smile.

*************
*************

Olivia let Josh beat her to Springfield, opting to drive slower and figuring with all that he had done, she at least owed him beers. She pulled the car into the park and sat quietly, watching the summer breeze catch the bright green leaves in the trees.

She remembered sitting on a bench in the spring watching these same leaves move in the breeze, her head resting on Natalia's shoulder. There was nothing more perfect that moment of just sitting and being with her. Her right hand slid up her shirt, unbuttoning the topmost button to rub at the scar, phantom pain radiating from it. She was tired of this near constant state of misery she found herself in and telling Josh hadn't made it better, it only made worse, made the fact that she was alone even more real. It made the fact that she had to face Ava at her father's memorial service even worse because when she said what she had to say, the fear or the relief wouldn't be celebrated with Natalia, it would be a small victory that no one but Ava and herself would know. She cricked her neck and rolled her head on her shoulders preparing to get out of the car and stretch her legs. She had spent hours sitting in a car, sitting in a jail cell, sitting in a car and the pattern needed to be stopped. At least for a little while.

Do you see the things I'd do for you Natalia?

She was crossing the baseball field when the sound of a bat cracking against a baseball brought her eyes up from the grass towards the sound. Rafe was at the plate in his own imaginary baseball game, hitting balls as hard as he could, sending them careening off into the outfield. He dropped the bat and trotted towards Olivia.

"Hey!" he barked, closing the gap between them in several long strides. "Where the hell is my mother?"

"I dunno, where is she?" Olivia replied, her hands held up at her chest, fingers fidgeting and trying her best to not smack Rafe.

"You tell me, you're the one who drove her away."

"I didn't drive her away, she left."

"No, I know that, she left me because of you."

I have no time or patience for this. Can't a person live a miserable existence alone? "What?" Olivia asked, failing to see Rafe's logic.

"Look you tired to take advantage of her alright?" Rafe explained, watching as Olivia scratched her nose, staring off into right field.

The hell with this. "What, what is it with you?! Maybe it was you maybe it was because your church made her feel dirty. Maybe it's because you tried treated her like she was a bad person because she fell in love with someone!" Olivia had taken two steps closer to Rafe, slowly losing her firm grip on control.

"'Scuse me?" Rafe replied incredulously.

"Yeah. You." Olivia barked, her face inches from his.

"First of all. You. Ok. It was your fault."

"My fault."

"Yeah…"

"What is wrong with you? How could you do that? How could you make her feel that loving anyone could be wrong? How could you not be happy for her?"

"You don't love her!" Rafe exclaimed over Olivia. "You didn't love her. You didn't care about her or care about what made her happy you just wanted someone to love you you couldn't find somebody so you chose my mother. Okay? You took advantage of her because she was weak"

Olivia pulled her glasses off to get a better look at the kid that was yelling at her about how messed up her life was. "Oh God…" she murmured, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Whatever." Rafe replied, turning on his heels and stalking off.

Way to blow that one. No only did you blow your top on him but he's probably going to tell his mother what happened and I'll be the bad guy. She stood stock still for a moment, blinking against the sun as it shone down brighter than before. She eyed the baseballs and bat that Rafe had been messing around with and headed towards them, anger and hurt still bubbling under her skin. She tossed her purse angrily on the floor and grabbed two baseballs in her right and left hand, hurling them one after the other with her right, watching as they ricocheted off the chain link fence and bounced off somewhere over her shoulder. Those could've gotten me in the face. She thought angrily as she stalked towards the fence, kicking a clump of rocks and dirt with her right foot, watching it explode and hid alongside the storage shed. She tried counting to ten, going slowly but losing count her heart slamming violently against her chest. One. Two. Three. Four…She slammed her hands against the fence, an angry sob tearing from her throat.

****************
****************

She was going to pick up Ava and it was going to be okay. She'd use the grief for her daughter and Jeffery to cover up the fact that inside, she was falling to pieces. She was going to go through the motions of grief for Jeffery and was certain that for the fist time in her life, she'd agree with Reva on the level of loss they were experiencing.

Olivia wanted to do things right for once and so far, she'd been batting zeros but she decided the best thing to do was to tell Ava like she had wanted to the first time around. Just after the spa…I should've told her then because then, I had Natalia right there with me. at some point, I'm going to have to grow a spine.

********************
The memorial was quiet and dignified, the way Jeffery would've wanted it. Everyone gave passionate eulogies honoring Jeffery, leaving mementos in a box along with their heartfelt apologies to Reva. Olivia flinched as Rafe spoke, apologizing for his violence towards Jeffery, the act that had put him in jail. You'll never know how hard I tried to get you out for your mother. Or how I tore the doorframe she used to track how tall you were getting out of a rundown apartment for her just so she could have it installed in the farmhouse to keep a piece of you with her. You'll never know any of that. You'll never know how hard I tried to keep her going when she wanted to quit or how she kept me going when I wanted to die. You're absolutely right, Rafael, I don't love her.

Reva lost control, screaming at the blown up photo of Jeffery as it stood at the front of the congregation. She kicked over the stand and stormed off, effectively cutting off the service and causing everyone to roam around the park while waiting for Reva to either return or calm down.

Olivia trailed behind Ava as she made her way to a bench and sat down. Olivia listened to her daughter as she spoke about Jeffery, the things he used to do with her. Olivia nodded, upset that she'd robbed her of her time with him. I just keep screwing up everything don't I? She tried giving advice, hating that she felt completely useless and resigning herself to her own words "This is one of those days where you have to let yourself be sad." What if I've had one of those months or weeks? Shouldn't I be exempt from that? She let Ava excuse herself and watched as she spoke to Remy. This kid had been through hell and I just can't protect her from it.

Philip broke into her thoughts as he complimented her on her great Ava is. "I kinda wish someone could be here for me…just…feel like I'm dealing with everything on my own." Olivia admitted to Philip, fixing her shoulder strap.

"I don't think that's true, you're a huge part of this town…you're connected to practically everybody."

I think Phillip just indirectly called me a social matrix. Or a skank. "Then why do I feel so alone?"

Phillip shrugged. "Same reason everybody does…you don't ask for help, no one will know what to do for you." He squeezed her shoulder and gave her a small smile. "It's gonna be okay."

It's always going to be just okay. Why can't it just be perfect? Why can't it be easy or just simple? She watched as Ava stood up and crossed towards her. Olivia felt a small smile cross her face. "I've got to talk to you…"

They sat in the baseball dugout, knees touching as Olivia took a deep breath and reached for her daughters hand. "There are things you don't know about me…things that I would rather you hear from me than somebody else. It was really, a hard year last year. A lot of loss. With Gus and the baby…Coop and then finally your father."

"It's been overwhelming…" Ava admitted, blinking quickly at the rush of fresh tears.

"I know. I know. I don't know if I could've gotten through that without a really special person in my life…I mean…Natalia she…she saved me."

"I know. She gave you Gus' heart."

Olivia nodded. Now or never. "She gave me more than that. She…she…nursed me back to health and she stood by me when I probably didn't deserve it and made me realize how precious life is. And she…taught me how to love."

Ava watched her mother intently, unsure of where this was going. "She's a very special woman." She admitted, looking down at the ground for a moment before looking up at Olivia.

"We fell in love."

Ava stared at her mother, a look of confusion on her face while Olivia was feeling strangely confident. After all, she'd already lost Natalia, what else was there left to lose?

"You…you love…you love Natalia?" Ava stammered, grasping the words out of thin air.

"More than I have ever loved anyone in my life."

Ava paused, Olivia's words sinking in. "I think that's wonderful. And I'm really happy for you."

Olivia felt a rush of relief spill into her bloodstream, the warmth chasing the ice cold chill that had been running through her veins as of late. She still could save me. She felt overwhelmed because in that same instant, the cold swelled up again, the bitter chill reminding her that while she'd just admitted that she was in love with Natalia, Natalia wasn't there with her, repeating it, consoling her, congratulating her, reveling in her courage. She felt tears well up in her eyes and tired to fight them back.

"I said I was happy for you…" Ava repeated, her arm looping around Olivia's shoulder. "What's wrong?"

Olivia sniffled and tilted her head, trying to regain composure. "It should be a really great thing, it really should," she replied mechanically, wiping at her cheeks and eyes "but y'know it got to be too hard for her and she left so…"

"Well where did she go?" Ava pressed, her heart breaking for Olivia. "I'll go get her."

"She doesn't wanna be found."

"Mom are you okay?"

"No." Olivia bit back a sardonic laugh. "No honey, I'm not." She cupped Ava's face with her right hand, squeezing her cheeks gently as she tried to calm herself down. She let Ava pull her into a tight embrace, the feeling of loss overtaking them both.

**********************************

Olivia agreed to take Remy and Ava to the cemetery to visit Max's grave. They drove in silence, Remy in the backseat while Ava rode passenger, her eyes focused out of her window, watching the scenery. Remy sat awkwardly, studying the back of Ava's head intently, his right hand fiddling with his wedding band on his left ring finger.

After Olivia parked, the separated and Olivia realized that the one place she needed to look for answers, she hadn't gone to. She stood before Gus' memorial, remembering the last time she'd been there was the hour before the wedding. Before it all changed, before I said something I couldn't take back and wouldn't in a million years ever take back because it's just like you said Natalia, once those words come out, you can't ever take them back. "So if you have any pull with Natalia…could you please just tell her to come home? I'll make her happy…we'll make each other happy. I promise." She heard footfalls in front of her and looked up from Gus' marker to see Rafe ambling towards her, his suit jacket clutched in his left hand, sleeves rolled up.

He looks like Gus. They made eye contact. Hers was subdued; she just didn't have it in her to fight or scream anymore. His was a stone cold glare. Olivia took the high road, turned and left the scene, leaving Rafe to amble down the two steps and sit.

It's a day of loss all around isn't it? She thought to herself as she made her way back to the car to wait for Remy and Ava. I made a list of things to do and all of them failed. I failed. Maybe it's just that I need to wait. Maybe it's a test. Maybe that's what I'm missing. It's not about me, it's about her and what she wants. She leaned against the hood of the car, scratching her inner wrist absently as she thought to herself. What she needs to do for herself, the things that'll make her happy. It's about her. Maybe it'll be good. It'll be great because clearly, I want to be with her…I'd do anything for her…I have done everything I could possibly do for her. "God, if you're listening…just…please…make it better. Help her find her way home."