AN: I'm hopeless! Here I was supposed to have this story finished by now, but obviously it didn't turn out that way. Well, things don't always go according to plan. I'll try to have the next (last) chapter out as soon as possible but let's not put any deadlines on it for me to miss. Huge thanks to everyone who has ever reviewed, marked as favourite, followed or even just silently read this story. You guys are what keeps me going and your reviews always make my day. Love to you all.
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Snape honestly considered keying Lupin into his wards, not that he'd ever tell the man. At least it would solve problems like the one he was having right now. Because Lupin hadn't shown up yet, and since Severus had just come home from a meeting Remus was sure to be here anytime.
It had never happened that Severus had left the door unlocked on purpose, and it never would, so Lupin needed to show up soon. If Remus came to check on him after a meeting and Severus didn't open he feared the werewolf would do something stupid. Probably alerting Dumbledore and having him break through the wards, which would be tremendously embarrassing.
The rising panic, constricting throat and quickening heartbeat told the spy clearly enough that it wouldn't be long until he was unable to open the door. It could after all be someone else out there.
The moment the long awaited knock finally came Severus wrenched the door open, arranging his face in a proper scowl. Lupin looked quite surprised at the quick response.
"Dragging our legs are we?" The potions master asked snappily as Remus stepped through the door looking slightly wary. "I have a report that needed to be done five minutes ago."
During the short time it took him to speak Severus had already warded the door and crossed the room. Stepping into his office he desperately flung the door shut behind him. He had time to take one more breath before it was upon him.
Severus had a feeling that he sunk to the floor in what could only be described as an undignified heap, but he couldn't bring himself to care. All his energy and willpower was used to keep him breathing, and to try to tell himself that his furiously racing heart wouldn't just give in. Even as he gasped for air he intellectually knew that he was suffering from a panic attack, but for once his brain wasn't in command.
After his attack in October Severus had researched what might have happened to him. When he first stumbled over the mentioning of panic attacks he had been in denial; he was far too strong for that. But as time passed and he suffered more attacks he slowly came to accept the fact.
Since Christmas the attacks had been far more frequent, especially after Death Eater meetings. Luckily Remus didn't know that there was no need to write reports after some of the gatherings. It presented the perfect opportunity to lock himself in his office and be alone for awhile as he got himself back under control.
Calming himself down usually took no more than a few minutes for Severus, he was after all skilled in the mental arts. Tonight however nothing he did seemed to really matter. As soon as he begun to regain control the family that they had killed tonight floated back to the surface. A family that reminded him so much of the one they had captured right before Christmas, the family that had been fed to the werewolf. By then it was too late to stop as he remembered what he'd felt then, who he'd been, and he fell back down into that dark pit.
It was unclear to Severus how long he had been laying on the floor when he felt another presence in the room and heard Remus calling out his name. Feeling the defence teacher crouch down in front of him Severus kept his eyes closed. He didn't particularly want the werewolf's company at the moment.
"Severus?" Remus called again, softer this time. He sounded worried, but Severus couldn't bring himself to respond
"I'll get Poppy." The declaration shocked Severus enough to make him open his eyes and shake his head.
"Don't." He managed to rasp out. "It. Will. Pass." He had to take several shallow breathes between each word to have enough oxygen to speak. Remus looked at him with an uncomfortably knowing look.
"Panic attack?" Lupin asked. Severus closed his eyes.
There was no way he could answer the question. He might have admitted to himself that this occasionally happened, but he would never do so out loud. On the other hand he couldn't lie either. He had no ready explanation for why it would be something else, and speaking was practically impossible anyway. There was also the embarrassing revelation that he did not want to lie to Lupin. Not that he wanted to tell him the truth either.
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It came as no surprise to Remus that his implied question went unanswered. But then again; the silence spoke as clearly as a nod would have.
During the years when Remus had lived cut off from the magical community he had mostly earned his rent by substituting at an elementary school. One of the teachers that was absent the most was a woman named Sophie. Remus still remembered the first time he met her. He had been covering for someone else when she stepped up to him in the teacher's lounge and introduced herself, thanking him for taking excellent care of her class.
Sophie hadn't hesitated to tell him she was sick so often because of her anxiety disorder. She explained how she'd had it since her teenage years and that she refused to be ashamed of it. "I have a fault in my brain chemistry. It makes me worried and anxiety-ridden and occasionally gives me panic attacks but it doesn't mean I'm crazy." Remus had been slightly shocked by her honesty, but he'd also felt it was refreshing.
After that Sophie and Remus had spent many lunches and breaks together on the days they were both working. If she hadn't been twenty years older than Remus maybe something would have happened between them, but as it was they were only friends. When Remus first left to work at Hogwarts she had been about to retire and they lost contact.
For a split second Remus wished Sophie was around now to tell him how to deal with Severus. Having never been around for a panic attack before Remus could at least recall what she had said about them. How she could lay shaking on the floor convinced she was dying. How it felt like all the good things in her life just disappeared into a dark swirl around her. How she isolated herself when she really needed people the most.
Something inside of Remus told him that when people were feeling this bad you should really just pick them up and hold them close. Something also told him that Severus might have a bit of an adverse reaction to that. The few times he had been close to the man it had been brought by a sudden necessity that didn't exist here. No, he needed to find a compromise. It would be sad to destroy what Remus had spent so long working on by taking a too big step too soon.
"I..." Remus retook his opening and tried a softer approach. "Severus..." He hesitated again. "If it's okay I'm going to put a hand on your shoulder?" He didn't want to spook the man after all.
Carefully reaching out Remus felt a strong trepidation, he got the unwelcome image he was sticking his hand into a hornet's nest. For a short moment he almost retracted his hand, but the only other way of showing he was around was speaking. Considering how mined the ground between them was Remus preferred to be silent.
Suddenly angry with himself for his indecisiveness Remus placed his hand on Severus shoulder. Forgetting about himself for awhile he focused fully on the man in front of him. Severus was curled up on the hard floor, his laboured breathing jagged. The shoulder under Remus hand was tense enough to be shaking and he worried that his colleague would damage his teeth if he didn't stop clenching his jaws.
"Severus, I need you to try to relax." The black fabric was coarse under Remus fingers as he traced slow circles between his colleague's shoulder blades. "Just breathe okay. In through your nose and out through your mouth. That's right. In... And Out. In... And out."
The combined hand on his back and the soft words at least seemed to make a difference to Snape's condition. It was small, almost impossible to detect, but it was there and it gave Remus hope. So he continued with his calming gestures.
Not until Severus had relaxed and his breathing was back under control did Remus still his hand. Leaving it in place for a little longer he broke the silence that had settled over the room.
"You back?"
Severus seemed exhausted but nodded in response.
"You know, things like this never happened before you decided to put your nose where it doesn't belong." Snape's voice was hoarse. "I was fine before you had to come and mess everything up."
"Were you really? Fine before?" Remus asked, and the silence he got in return was all the answer he needed.
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The stone floor had been cold and harsh against Severus thin body, not that he'd minded at the time. He could admit though that upgrading to his armchair by the fireplace had been a wise move. Remus placed a burning cup of hot chocolate in his hands, and he took it gratefully. Not that he let it show.
The smell of cocoa and cinnamon wafted up to fill his senses, dissolving the last of the swirling tumour that had settled in his chest. Severus closed his eyes for a second as he breathed in deeply. Beside him Remus sat in his usual manner, peacefully watching the fire, and Severus didn't know if he wanted him to stay or to go.
Everything had gotten so complicated lately, and Lupin was the one to blame. Severus didn't know what to think about what had been said earlier. He had been honest when he said everything was easier before, but maybe it had been just easier, not better. No matter how much he wanted to believe that everything was okay before he knew it wasn't. He hadn't been fine. But it hadn't been this bad either.
Earlier his life had been plain. He had been deep down, but he had been there so long he hadn't known the difference. It had been a constant sinking, but at least he couldn't really say that one day was worse than the one before. He had simply been trudging along, convinced that his life would never be any better. It hadn't been easy, but it had at least been predictable and straight forward.
Then Lupin had shown up. Of course it had to be on a night when he'd been crucioed until he couldn't stand, and of course the annoyingly righteous man had to care. Severus world had suddenly been turned upside-down. If everything had been a smooth slope down it was now a very confusing rollercoaster.
In average Severus' world was as grey now as it had been before Remus came along. The problem was that average didn't exist anymore. Now he had moments that could even be classified as bright, when he felt lighter than he had ever done, because he knew someone cared. But he also had moments that were far darker than his old memories, moments when everything inside of him felt like a broken chaos of razor-sharp shards.
So in the end Severus couldn't decide if he wanted Remus to stay or to go. For the man had brought him worse pain than Severus had thought possible, but he had also brought him some kind of hope.