Chapter 10

Present Day

"He never even said hello."

Maura's head snapped up quickly half because she barely heard what Jane had just said and half because not only did she hear it, she heard the tone behind it. Wounded. She let her eyes lock in on Jane's and the pain that reflected back towards her nearly broke her heart.

"Not a hello. Not a hi. Never once did he ask how I was. How Tommy and Frankie were. I think I expected him not to ask about Ma, but to not even ask about his kids. After two years?" She paused and released a deep sigh. "I wasn't ready for that, Maur."

Maura struggled to think of something to say. She desperately wanted to make things better for Jane. But she didn't know how. What does someone say in a situation like this? She wasn't sure there was anything that could be stated that would make the hurt buried deep within Jane loosen its grip on her.

She didn't have the best past to draw from. Her parents were outside observers to her life. Providing for her materialistic needs throughout her life but never her emotional ones. Her sense of family was nothing like that of Jane's and the Rizzoli clan. She did not have any experience to draw from to advise Jane on how to react to or handle this type of family situation.

Her instinct was to pull from her knowledge. It was what she used to always do. When faced with a situation in which she did not understand or in which she couldn't relate she by default wanted to offer up facts and figures. Statistics and studies. Use the scientific logic and reason that had made her a success in her career to identify and articulate a point or an observation. But that wasn't what was called for here.

She knew that. She knew it now because of Jane. Jane who seemed to always allow Maura to ramble about different facts or studies. Jane who always seemed to better understand what a person needed from an emotional side. Jane who had been the one that slowly broke through Maura's genius and brought her out of that place that could only relate to the dead. Jane who had helped socialize her so that her rambling happened less frequently and seemed to stop being a hindrance for other relationships and personal interactions.

It had been her time with Jane that made Maura realize in this moment the absolute worst thing she could do was start a long diatribe about addiction and impulse control disorders. That's what her head wanted to do. She wanted to tell Jane that the gambling was an impulse control disorder. That Frank, like thousands of others, had fallen victim to his own flawed belief that he would eventually win that one big bet and that would solve all his issues. That the impulse control had manifested itself to such a degree that it had cost him everything in the life he had spent years building. That it was spiraling out of control considering that once removed from his first fall from grace he just found himself right back in the same position with potentially far worse consequences still waiting to realized.

Her head wanted to connect the impulse control disorder with the drug abuse she, and Jane, was now aware of. Her head could easily have connected the addictive behavior and manifestation of self-destruction Frank appeared to be immersing himself in towards biological and chemical imbalances in the brain. She could have cited multiple studies with the latest conclusions on the effects drug use and gambling has on family members.

But because of Jane and all Maura had learned from her in the years they had been friends, Maura understood in that moment those were the last things Jane wanted to hear. Maura looked at Jane and she knew in that moment Jane wasn't seeking scientific knowledge. She wasn't seeking a neutral, clinic observation on the situation. She was seeking compassion and understanding. She wanted to be heard and understood by Maura. Maura's heart understood what Jane needed. She just wasn't sure if she could be of any help. But she was going to try.

"Jane, all of this happened so quickly. You didn't really have a chance to prepare yourself for any of it."

She wasn't even sure if this was a right thing to say. But it was what had occurred to her. Jane was blindsided in that meeting with the FBI agent. She had to have a stranger tell her about the criminal activities of her father. She had not been given a chance to fully process any of the FBI information before she found herself facing a father who was basically a stranger to her now. How could she have been ready for any of this?

Jane looked at Maura and almost smiled. She had expected Maura to cite a study or some statistics about gambling but she hadn't yet. At this point, Jane was pretty sure she wouldn't. And she couldn't help but be a little impressed by that restraint. Jane knew Maura meant well when she went all Googlemouth on her. But there were times when it was the last thing Jane had wanted to hear. This situation was one of those times. And somehow, Maura seemed to understand that.

"I spent the whole way down to Miami trying to run through my head what I was going to do. Going to say. But it just didn't go the way I had thought it would. Then I spent the whole way back to Boston thinking about what didn't get said. What I didn't do. I mean, God Maura, I can't even tell you if I wanted to help him or not. I couldn't figure that out on the way down. I couldn't figure that out when I was face to face with him. And I couldn't figure that out when I left him and came back here."

"Maybe it's ok if you don't figure that out. Maybe this is something that you're not supposed to help him out of Jane. Maybe he is supposed to deal with this on his own."

Jane let that comment settle for a moment but she didn't respond. After a few minutes she stood up and grabbed Maura's wine glass. "More?" she asked. Maura shook her head. Jane took the wine glass along with her half empty beer bottle and carried both into the kitchen. She had needed to stop for a minute. Needed a break.

Maura sensed this and didn't follow Jane into the kitchen. She heard the sink turn on and assumed Jane was rinsing out her glass before placing it in the dishwater. She nearly jumped off the couch when she heard the impact of glass against a wall. She heard the shattering of glass and thought it sounded more like the beer bottle breaking than the wine glass.

"God damn it!"

There was no mistaking the frustration and anger that echoed throughout Jane's shout. Maura quickly got up and headed into the kitchen now mad at herself for letting Jane walk out of her sight even for a moment. She reached the kitchen and saw immediately that she was right about what had gotten thrown. There were pieces of brown glass scattered on both the floor and the countertop.

Maura looked down at Jane who by now had sunk down to the floor. She was sitting with her back up against the refrigerator. Her knees were pulled up tight into her and she was resting her elbows on her knees. She had threaded her hands behind her head and Maura didn't even need to see her face to realize that she was crying again. The shaking, lurching movements of her shoulders already tipping it off to Maura.

She quietly approached Jane and knelt down in front of her. Gently, she reached out. "Jane."

Jane didn't look up and kept her face and head shielded away from Maura.

"Jane, honey. Look at me." Maura delicately worked to free Jane's head from its hiding place. She needed to make eye contact. She worked to unlace Jane's fingers and as that happened Jane sat up a little straighter and leaned back resting her head against the refrigerator door. Fresh tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"I didn't….I couldn't….oh God Maura! What did I do? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!"

Maura had absolutely no idea what Jane was reacting to or apologizing for. She knew it wasn't for throwing the beer bottle. There was still something Jane hadn't explained to Maura. Something had happened on that second trip to Miami. Maura had been worried by Jane's behavior when she got called to the Robber but now, seeing Jane breaking down for a second time, Maura's fear increased. Whatever was still left to be told was not pleasant.

Maura moved a little closer to Jane and sat down. She pulled Jane into her arms and tightened her grip as best she could. Jane rested her head into the crook of Maura's shoulder and continued to cry but it was dissipating towards a whimper instead of a heavy sob.

"I'm right here. Shhhh. I've got you. I'm right here." Maura repeated this over and over trying to sooth Jane. She wanted Jane to tell her what was really going on. What was wrong but she knew that the conversation wasn't going to progress until Jane had calmed down a bit from her outburst. Maura wasn't in any kind of hurry. She'd stay with Jane all night if that's what it took.

After a few minutes Maura felt Jane's body calming down and Jane's breathing was returning to normal. She slowly pushed herself out of Maura's embrace and leaned with her head back. Maura gently wiped away the last of the tears that had fallen down Jane's cheeks. She didn't want to be the first to speak at this point. She wanted Jane to feel comfortable continuing the story so she waited. Jane would know when she was ready to talk again.

It took a few minutes but Jane finally cleared her throat and spoke.

"I didn't mean to break that bottle. I should pick up the glass."

Maura just nodded. She backed away from Jane and gave her room to stand up. Jane moved over to where some of the broken glass had fallen on the floor and she picked up a few of the pieces. She looked over at Maura and paused.

"You aren't wearing any shoes. You should wait in the other room until I can clean this up. I don't want you to cut yourself."

Maura stood and nodded. "I'll be careful. I think you got all the pieces that fell on the floor." She wanted to tell her not to bother. Or ask to help. Even to tell her that she didn't care about a beer bottle that she just wanted to know what was wrong. But she didn't. She decided in that moment it was more important for Jane to feel like she was regaining some sense of control. Even if that only meant control of picking up some glass and protecting Maura from cutting herself.

So she merely nodded at Jane and carefully made her way into the other room. That was what Jane wanted in that brief moment and that was what Maura was going to give her. There wasn't much glass. It wouldn't take Jane long to clean it up. Just long enough, Maura surmised, for Jane to compose herself and rejoin Maura in the living room. So Maura retreated and returned to the couch. Holding her breath and waiting for Jane.

A few moments later a more composed Jane walked back into the living room and sat down right next to Maura. Closer to her than Maura expected. Which was absolutely fine with her. She wanted the contact with Jane. She wanted Jane to know, without a doubt, that she was there and wasn't going anywhere until she wasn't needed anymore. Jane quietly rested her head on Maura's shoulder. Maura moved her arm so it rested behind Jane's head and she let her fingers absently run through Jane's hair. They stayed like that for a minute until Maura finally felt like it was her place to speak again.

"The night I gave you the tox screen results you were about to tell me something. But your phone rang and you left. Was it Agent Nixon that called you back to Miami?"

Jane was quiet for a moment but then answered. "No. It wasn't Nixon who called."