A/N: Hey hey! I know I left you with a cliffhanger in the last chapter, because… I'm evil like that. ;) But I've picked it up now! And this fic is coming to a close, as sad as it is… But hey, we had some good times.

9: There's Always Chance For Redemption

Sawyer isn't sure how much time has passed.

He doesn't have a watch. And he usually measures it in how many and which activities he's managed to complete. Catching enough fish to make dinner to at least half of the camp takes an hour, and it usually takes Sun an hour and a half to cook it. Bringing dinner to Kate where she's sitting in the tent takes one minute, eating with her takes thirty.

Half-sleeping with her head in your lap, hearing her faint breathing, watching her grey eyes glimmering from the darkness. The warm hand on his cheek, that moment when he can't contain himself anymore and everything becomes sweaty and blurry and heated, her fingers in his hair and the nails buried his back. That takes about an hour.

But how can you measure time with this? How can you measure time when all it is is the darkness that's spreading inside and the knowledge that it was true, what she said?

He won't survive without her. She's a part of him, a part that's been torn off, and now he's bleeding. It's gushing from his chest, the empty void there. That part of his heart that belongs to her.

The loss is bad enough, but it's not the worst part. Hell, not even the fact that it's his fault is the worst.

If he'd told her. If he'd told her the words. If he'd made the most of his time with her.

Just that would be enough to get him through this time. Knowing that there's nothing more he could've done to show her how much she meant to him.

The things you regret the most are the ones you wanted, but didn't dare to do.

That's his mom's voice again.

For the first time in a very long time, it doesn't make him feel better.

xxxxxxxxxxx

It's starting to get dark. Sawyer's been staring at the same point for the past hour, somewhere around the horizon, wondering where America is and if he'd been happier staying there, never having killed that guy and never having met Kate, without coming up with an answer for that question. But now, he suddenly looks up, at the stars that are starting to appear, one by one, across the blue velvet sky. It feels like a giant shell, enclosing him, protecting him.

Everything could be so easy. He can't help but thinking that.

Even now, in the misery that's so big that it really feels like that beautiful sky has just cracked and fallen down on him, it actually does feel easy. Just this moment, everything's easy and beautiful and the sorrow melts away, just for a second, and it could always be like this. If he'd allowed it to be.

Things would've been different if he'd told Kate the words every day. Things wouldn't be quite as heartbreaking as they are right now. So if she dies and he becomes an even worse person than he was before, it'll be his fault, and his fault only. And in that way, it feels kind of liberating.

He's so sick of turning all his anger outwards.

Suddenly, Jack walks out of the tent. He looks down at Sawyer, and Sawyer really wishes he could've given him a look that he was able to interpret.

"She's awake," Jack says.

He says it in such a neutral tone, Sawyer first thinks that Kate's awakening has a downside of some sort, like that she's alive but in a coma, or that she's alive but has gotten amnesia and doesn't remember any of them. But no. Jack doesn't add anything. Just looks down at Sawyer like he doesn't believe it, and right now, Sawyer can for the first time actually share Jack's feeling.

"Okay," he says.

Jack nods. They're quiet for a bit.

"You should go in to her," Jack says then. "She's… She's in pretty bad shape, but she can take a visitor."

Sawyer raises his eyebrows briefly.

"Don't you wanna…"

"No, you go," Jack says and waves his hand dismissively. "You saved her, and… She did ask for you."

The last part comes out as a mumble, a bitter attempt to make it seem like it doesn't bother him.

Sawyer owes Jack big thanks. For keeping Kate alive as long as he did, and for daring to show his affection, unlike some.

But he doesn't care about that right now. The only things that exist are the crack in the opening to the tent, the heartbeats in his ears.

And when Sawyer lifts the tent door and walks inside, the only thing that exists is her.

Sawyer slowly walks up to the bed, sits down next to her. Kate looks up at him.

Quiet.

Sawyer manages to get the courage to grab her hand, but just the feeling of her skin, god, he's missed it, is enough to make his nerves tighten like violin strings.

He knows that she waits for him to say something. But the truth is, as he realizes when their eyes lock and his heart swells, that even now, when he knows that she's safe and that he'll never let anything happen to her again, is he afraid that this is unreal in some way, that she'll vanish in thin air and he'll be left with nothing but the warmth lingering in his hand and memories, so many memories.

But at last, Sawyer clears his throat and pushes the tears back.

"Hey there, Freckles," he says, an attempt to make it sound ordinary.

Kate smiles wearily. Seeing her awake feels like a whole new experience.

"Hey there, Sawyer," she mumbles.

Her voice sounds frail. Sawyer finds himself gripping her hand harder.

"You gave us quite a scare, you know," Sawyer goes on.

Kate chuckles.

"I gave myself quite a scare, too."

Pause.

"Jack… Jack took good care of you, though," Sawyer continues awkwardly. "Don't you wanna see him?"

What the hell is he doing? He saved her, and even if he didn't, he won't let Kate near Jack even if she's wearing a ten-inch thick armor from now on.

Kate seems to be thinking the same. She frowns slightly, even in her dazed condition.

"You saved me, James," she says. "He told me that."

"Yeah…" Sawyer mumbles, and the rest slips out before he's managed to register the thought, "but I was the one who killed you, too."

Kate's frown disappears. Before she answers, she lifts her free hand and puts it on his cheek. Her eyes are getting wet, and Sawyer feels something burning and gooey in his throat, and despite what he's learned by all this thinks keep it together, you goddamn sissy.

"You never killed me," Kate says softly. "You tried to save me that first time, too. You just wanted to show that you…"

Her voice fades out, and it takes Sawyer a few seconds to realize what she was going to say. When he does, the horror is like a cold hand around that warm and gooey in his throat, and he suddenly clutches to Kate's hand like she's about to go away again.

She was going to say it, say it for him, but changed her mind.

She thinks he doesn't love her.

"What the hell are you saying?" Sawyer says, half-yells, glaring at her through anger and hot, searing tears, and Kate flinches. "Who killed you if not me? And if not with those goddamn herbs, then with… You think I don't…"

A sob rips over his vocal chords, and he can't go on, can't even look at her, just takes her hand and presses it against his forehead, feels the warmth, the skin, and her, he feels her.

He could've lost her. He could've fucking lost her.

The hand that keeps him in gear, those eyes that can keep his feet on the ground and his heart in the clouds. He could've lost it all.

"I never told you," Sawyer finally growls out, and looks at Kate again, even though he can barely see her through the mist of tears. "I never told you, and I should've told you… Every goddamn day. Don't you get it? I killed you, and pushed you straight into Jack's arms by… Never telling you. I…"

Kate is crying. Her sobs mingle with Sawyer's, and he can't help but thinking about that time in the cages. When everything was lost and their lives had fallen to the ground like shot-down birds, and they made love for the first time.

They'd done it right then, because they're two completely broken, messed up individuals, two lonely souls who need each other for that exact reason. And now is going to be the first time he tells her, when he's clutching to her and they're crying like little girls.

Because they can never show affection before it's almost too late. But that's going to change now.

"I love you," Sawyer blurts out.

Not in the most romantic notion imaginable. The words sort of stumble on his tongue, not used to saying them and mean it.

Then he grabs her shoulders and pulls her into his arms.

It's like that time he held her after he'd killed his father. He clutches to her, aching for her, feels the body in his arms and it feels unreal, like she's a gift from the heavens that's too good for him, damn it, why does he have to almost lose her before he realizes how lucky he is to have her?

"I love you… More than I can tell you," Sawyer rambles on when he feels her arms closing around his back. "You can't ever do that to me again, because if I don't have you, I… What am I supposed to do? Huh? What… What the hell would I do without you? Do you get it?"

He cranes Kate's head back to get a look into her eyes, needs to know that she's understood, and she nods, cries and laughs at the same time.

"Yeah, I get it," she says and puts her hand on his cheek again. "And I love you, too, Sawyer… James…"

Sawyer nods.

No, James. He's James right then.

"I love you so much," she finishes off.

James nods again. And then he hugs her, buries his nose in her hair, and tries to relish every second of this wonderful, heart-wrenching pain, because he doesn't know when he's going to lose it again.

James cries. Kate cries.

They're two completely damaged individuals who cry and hug each other on a bed made of straws and half-rotten palm trees on a goddamn island of mystery. He's not perfect. She's not perfect.

But it's as close as it can get right now.

Wiiie! They're reunited, Kate's alive and Sawyer's gone soft, so I won't have anyone hating me, right? :) Review and make my day!