Chapter X: Too Far Gone
"Please speak slowly,
My heart is learning.
Teach me heartache,
Stop this burning now."
-Too Far Gone, All American Rejects
Kaidan
Kaidan stood in the med bay of the Normandy hours later, handing supplies to Dr. Chakwas while the physician tended to a very discontent Commander Shepard.
"Doc, really I'm fine." Shepard claimed, signs of being annoyed slipping into her voice. Kaidan just smiled at Shepard's constant arguments and Chakwas' retorts, which had become quicker and snarkier over the course of time thanks to the influence of some of the other members of the crew. However her remarks were more motherly than insubordinate.
"Forget it, Commander." Chakwas warned, running her fingers along Shepard's jaw line to see if her encounter with the krogan mercs had dealt her anything worse than a busted lip. "Besides, Wrex already ratted you out and told me about your little wrestling match with Karx, I need to make sure you're okay."
Kaidan tried to suppress the grin pulling at the sides of his mouth when Shepard gloomed. She had no idea how cute that was.
"Tattle tale." She said, letting out an exasperated sigh.
"So what happened here?" Chakwas asked in her pleasant accent. The doctor held a wet cloth to a cut along Shepard's hairline where dried blood had left the illusion of a more gruesome injury then had actually been sustained.
"Hell if I know, Doc." Shepard shrugged. "It's fine. I feel fine, the crew's fine, everyone is fine. It's nothing really, can I go now?"
Chakwas gave Shepard a look that very clearly stated that she hadn't believed the younger woman.
"Do you remember the last time you were in my medical room with a head injury? You didn't seem to think getting knocked unconscious for fifteen hours by a sixty thousand year old prothean artifact was a big deal either. And yet, here you are almost a year later sill trying to sort out what that little incident started."
Chakwas expertly lined the wound with antibiotics, and snatching a cotton seal-strip from Kaidan's open palm, taped the edges of the slash together.
After the doctor's comment about Shepard's tendency to downplay her injuries Kaidan had tried to hide any signs that he found it funny. The lines of his lips were firm in their attempt to keep him from laughing. But his amusement was still evident, and Shepard glared at him in such a way he could almost hear her voice say "stay out of it." Her look only served to make it more difficult for him to maintain composure.
As if to sense the mental exchange between the two, Chakwas rounded on him. "Well, then you tell me, since our commander is not feeling particularly generous today."
Talk about a lose-lose situation. "I'm not sure, Doctor. We had our helmets on most the time, I wouldn't have been able to see when she got it." Alenko opted to save Shepard the embarrassment of admitting she'd tripped on some of the rubble crawling out of what was left of the krogan base. Plus, he felt guilty himself since he had been the one to remove her helmet after the explosion.
It was extremely apparent however that the physician didn't believe him.
"I really can't be certain." He repeated. "She had a nasty run in with a krogan that knocked her up pretty good; I suppose it could've been from that."
Chakwas finally bought it, but when Kaidan turned his attention back to Shepard he was met by her accusatory glare. Thanks a ton Tenderfoot, she scowled.
He shrugged at her, trying to appear as innocent as he could.
"Alright Shepard, one last thing." Chakwas' fingers flew over her nearby keyboard to enter new data into the commander's file. "I heard Karx gave your shoulder quite the working, I want to take a look.
Shepard is going to increase her krogan kill-total one more point if Wrex doesn't have a good hiding place by now. Kaidan thought fondly.
"What happened in there?" He asked aloud, wondering what else Shepard had not told him yet.
Again she didn't say anything, just looked at him. And just like all the other expressions she had offered, he had seen it before enough times to recognize it. You're not helping!
"I was going to let everyone know at the debriefing." Shepard said icily after he had shrugged again. "But it's taking a little longer than I expected to get there." The commander shot Chakwas a glance.
Chakwas rolled her eyes. "Shirt off. Now. The sooner we get through this the sooner you can leave here and have your oh-so-more-important-than-your-personal-health meeting."
"Ummm… Should I leave or…?" Kaidan asked uncomfortably as Shepard made moves to do as the doctor asked. On the citadel after she had been shot he hadn't even thought about staying or going, but they were back on duty now. Would it be appropriate?
"Sure, you can stay, I don't mind." Chakwas answered; unaware the question had been aimed at Shepard. For awhile Kaidan was surprised that Chakwas had even said anything, let alone consent for Kaidan to stay present. But then again, she most likely had either expected them to be professional, or understood their relationship enough to not care. It was probably the latter; Chakwas had witnessed the tiniest of hints in their attraction way back to Eden Prime. Kaidan had tried to hide his smile when Shepard had insisted her injury was not his fault, but he was sure at least the doctor had caught it. Perhaps it really was that Chakwas understood.
After Chakwas had given her permission it would've been difficult for Shepard to justify sending him out of the room, even if she hadn't wanted him there.
He tried to be as subtle as possible when admiring the soft lines covering well-worked muscle, but he swallowed heavily. It's only been twelve days Alenko, calm down. You can go twelve days without sleeping with her.
"Does this hurt?" Chakwas asked, squeezing Shepard where her shoulder met her clavicle.
Despite Shepard's visible wince, the commander answered "No."
"How about this?" Chakwas continued, moving her hand farther out into the shoulder bone.
Kaidan could hear his girlfriend's sharp intake of breath.
"No." She answered stubbornly.
Chakwas shook her head and ran her hand along the commander's underarms. She squeezed from underneath into the center of the joint. "And this?"
For a second Shepard had literally grimaced, but she had been so quick to cover it up, Kaidan wondered if the doctor had noticed. Though, if Chakwas hadn't noticed, the pain that laced Shepard's third 'no' was evidence enough.
Then there was an actually groan of pain as Chakwas pinched the commander as hard as she could into the shoulder. As the field medic, Kaidan had noticed that it was much more forceful than necessary.
"What was that for?!" Shepard asked incredulously, absently rubbing her shoulder when Chackwas stepped away.
"Don't lie to me! I hate it when you do that." Chakwas lectured, punching some more keys on her computer pad. Shepard glared at the doctor, but Chakwas ignored her. "As far as I can tell it's just a bruised bone. I'm giving you something for the pain but you'll have to take it easy on that shoulder the next few days. And don't go firing anything with a lot of kickback."
Kaidan watched Shepard replace her shirt while Chakwas retrieved the meds. She handed them to Shepard. "Assuming that you aren't lying about anything else I'd have to say you're going to be fine and can go now. Take it easy."
"Thanks, Doc!" Shepard said happily, hopping off the examination table. "Alenko, assemble the teams, tell them I want a meeting in the comm room thirty seconds ago. And make sure Drellis is there so we can plan our next move, got it?"
"Yes, Ma'am." He said, silently making fun of her persistence.
"Oh, don't give me that look. You think you're so clever!" She said to him and then stalked out of the room.
Kaidan took the time to personally thank Doctor Chakwas for all the help before leaving the med bay himself.
Kaidan sat patiently as Alliance personnel and aliens alike filed into the comm room for debriefing. He watched as Shepard easily herded Sarah to Ash's seat. It felt good to have a Williams in the debriefing. Sarah almost seemed to heal the small void that had been in place ever since Ashley's untimely death. Almost. Drellis unofficially held Garrus' spot, leaving Dr. T'Soni's chair for Franklin.
Kaidan surprised himself with the little pang of feeling he had for Liara. He was beginning to miss her curious nature and undeniable logic. He wondered briefly what she was doing right now, and if she would be in charge of the unpleasant task of emptying the failed cryogenic pods on Ilos.
"Jones, what's the status on the hostages? I assume everything went smoothly?"
Kaidan was jerked out of his thoughts, not realizing that they'd already begun. He sat forward in his chair and leaned on his elbows.
"Yes ma'am." The toe-headed marine answered. "Joker's already arranged for a fifth fleet cruiser to pick them up. However, they have asked that we stay here in Port Yarlon until they arrive, at least for the night."
Kaidan knew Shepard wouldn't like wasting any more time than they already were, especially since it was near noon now. They could probably reach Syba by tonight if they left now.
Sure enough Shepard sighed to his left. "I doubt we have a choice in the matter. Good work getting the civilians here, Corporal."
Alenko watched an exchange of glances between the commander and the turian, but after a moment Drellis inclined his head in understanding. The turian couldn't honestly believe that Shepard wanted to get to Garrus any less than he did.
"So," Tali began. "What actually happened in there, what was all this about?"
Everyone threw their attention back to Shepard. "They were all hired." She said, taking turns directing herself to each of them. "By who, we don't know, and why they all belong to the same krogan organization I have no idea. I'm hoping we've stopped them, but I have a feeling it won't be the last we've heard from them."
"They were all hired to kill you? I think my life expectancy just went down a few decades." Jones put in. Wrex released a laugh that gave the impression he thought a lower life expectancy was obvious.
Out of his peripheral vision Kaidan saw Shepard go rigid for a moment. It was really subtle, and hidden through many years of practice. He doubted anyone else had noticed, it was something only he would pick up on.
"For now, this case is closed then." Shepard said quickly. "While we're here we should discuss the plan for Garrus' rescue. Did you find anything in the maps, Drellis?"
Kaidan examined the turian, the only one in the room not to be included on the previous mission. He felt sorry for him, sitting helpless on the ship while everyone else was in battle. He pictured the turian pacing in restlessness while contemplating what he could do to get closer to Garrus sooner.
"It's pretty straight forward." Drellis explained. "There's only one structure on the grid that I've seen, but no way to drop a team. We could try to hike in from the lake as your lieutenant suggested, but it would definitely give them the advantage of seeing us coming. I suppose if you had a powerful enough group…"
"Negative." Shepard disagreed. "I don't want one giant group. Two teams seem to work well enough for us with this many people, and I'm not going to risk them killing Garrus if we hit too hard too fast." Kaidan met her eyes. "Alenko. You, Drellis, Wrex, and Tali will find Garrus wherever they're holding him, most likely in the lowest level. My team will work on tracking Polaris down. If we can keep her distracted you will have a better chance at getting out."
"With all due respect," Kaidan said. "Don't you think I should be the team against Pol-"
"I'll need my best to lead the second team." She interrupted.
There's something else. Kaidan felt it in his gut, and as receptive as Shepard was she seemed to read his mind. She leaned over to talk quietly to him. "I don't want you getting close to her. She was trying to kill you, remember?"
Kaidan didn't like it. Something wasn't right. Shepard must know how badly he wanted to face this with her right? Polaris had broken into their home and shot her, Shepard couldn't honestly expect him to contentedly stay behind.
Kaidan felt a scowl of concern cross his face. She was watching his expression very carefully. "We'll talk about it later." She offered.
Sarah was next to speak. "Are we looking at one building, three levels, or compound? Do we even know?"
"When we flew over it, there was just one structure. It had multiple levels though. Until we get inside they'll have height and cover." Drellis said grimly.
"Is there any way we can stealth in?" Jones asked.
"Negative." It was Shepard who answered this time. "Polaris knows Alenko and possibly me, and she captured Garrus, not killed him on sight. She must know we're already coming."
"Well, it doesn't sound like we have too many options." Wrex grumbled.
Shepard nodded. "Okay, so we drop in at the lake, hike through the trees, and take out the front on the building. Once we're inside we split into two groups. Understood?"
There was almost a dull roar as everyone agreed. Finally Shepard stood.
"Good. Dismissed." The crew all began moving towards the exit, but Kaidan waited a few seconds before standing.
"Alenko, could you stay for a moment?"
Of course, she would want to talk. There was still the incident with the Mako. He shouldn't have lost it, and what kind of CO would she be if she didn't admonish him for his outburst? He should have expected it.
"Yes, ma'am." He said simply, sitting back in his chair.
Shepard politely waited for the last of the crew to leave and the door to slide closed before addressing him. "I think we need to talk."
"I figured." It sounded like a trap to him. He tried to collect himself. "Look Commander, if this is a personal conversation I need to know right now that I can speak as your boyfriend. I don't think we can talk anything out if I'm walking on eggshells."
It was a fair request, but he knew he was asking her to move out of her comfort zone, giving up her control over the situation. The look on her face told him she was thinking it over.
"Shepard, it takes two people to be in a relationship. Two equal people. And based on today, I'm assuming we've got some things to work out."
She looked at him and nodded. "Yeah okay, agreed. Let's just be us for this. I don't want to have another day like this one. First things first I guess." She said, getting right to it. He tried to relax a little bit, and make this easier to take. She looked from him to her hands.
"I don't appreciate getting reprimanded in front of the crew. I could understand your concern, but the second we let it affect the team as well as ourselves- that's when we start causing problems." She said it a little more angrily then he was sure she'd meant to, but she didn't show any signs of taking her tone back, and as default, his voice strengthened to meet hers.
"Shepard, you tried to drive off the face of a cliff-"
"You and I have done worse than that stunt in the Mako before." She countered, her voice rising the tiniest bit.
"So what, I have to keep myself from being concerned about you?" He retorted. How could she even ask him to do that? They had agreed up front that their relationship would not dictate their decisions, but he couldn't just make himself stop caring about her. His own words sounded angry, and he was angry if only the smallest bit, an emotion he hadn't really felt towards Shepard before.
"No, but you can refrain from shouting at me in front of my team!" She was officially shouting herself now, and he felt bitter about how the conversation was going. She wasn't being very reasonable.
"Yeah okay, Shepard!" He stood and walked a few paces to the middle of the floor and rounded on her. "Maybe I could feel more comfortable with your crazy stunt shit if you ever let me help you when you get injured!" Or let me help you at all.
"What is that supposed to mean?!" She said, standing herself.
"Well what about the problem you seem to have with me patching you up in the field?! Fine, sure, maybe I should've just let you do it, but you got huffy over it and you let it affect your attitude just as much as your little Mako escapade did mine!" He refused to believe it had all been his fault. She had been just as responsible for her own actions.
"We were in the middle of a mission and I let myself get distracted, how am I supposed to be okay with that!?" She argued.
"And then in the blast room! We had just run our asses off and you lost consciousness Shepard! And still you wouldn't allow me to do so much as cheer you up!"
"Damn it, Kaidan, there are more people in our unit than just us, we need to think about them!"
"Fine! Let's think about them! Do you think for one moment that none of them would've asked you if you were okay?! Tried to pitch you crap, or try to inspect your injuries? Do you think none of them worry about your well-being?! I did nothing that any of them would not do! In your effort to keep us one team, you divide us! What do you think they notice more, me holding you up, or you pushing me away!?"
In his frustration he turned away from her and walked to the rail that lined the observation window. He leaned over on it. He was so… confused. He honestly hadn't believed he and Shepard would have any problems when returning to the Normandy. He shook his head and took a deep breath. Then he felt a distinctly female hand on his back.
"Hey, hey… What is this?" She asked, sounding much gentler.
He looked up at her, softening his own voice. "Nothing. It's just… w-we don't-"
"Argue… I know." She finished for him. They had never had a dispute that lasted more than thirty seconds. That was something very beautiful about their relationship.
"We were bound to have this conversation sooner or later." She said pressing on his shoulder trying to get him to turn to her.
He took advantage of the slight crack in her anger and grabbed both her hands in his own, letting out a sigh.
"I'm sorry." He started. "It's just when it comes to the rest of the team, they aren't the ones involved in this thing, we are. They don't know what it's like for us, trying so hard to separate ourselves after being so close for so long. All for them."
He looked at her and felt a little twinge of delight when she suddenly snapped herself into him, tightly wrapping her arms around his waist and snuggling her face into his chest. For the moment at least, she was back where she belonged. He slid one arm around her back and used his other hand to hold her head to him, gathering what warmth he could from her. Knowing it would most likely have to last him for a long time.
Her body relaxed into him. "God, when did this all get so complicated?"
He kissed her head and squeezed her. "When it became more serious than mere attraction." Much more. "So what do we do?"
"Well," she said quietly, not pulling away from him. "There's nothing we really can do. We have to be less uptight about the little stuff in the field, but more careful. As if that in itself isn't confusing."
"In exchange for a little less uptightness onboard the ship?" He asked, hopeful. On the ship was when he really needed the extra help to control himself.
She tilted her head back to look at him. "Okay, maybe just a little bit, but let's keep confined to off-duty time."
"Yeah, yeah, okay." He touched his forehead to hers.
"And no sleeping together no matter what." She added as an afterthought.
He felt his stomach tighten at the thought. He hadn't expected to really go that far on the ship ever again, but she could at least spare him the images that made him want it and stop bringing it up.
"Well, aren't you the stickler?" He teased her. He felt the intense need to kiss her, and given that they'd just had their first argument he felt they were entitled to their first make-up kiss.
They both leaned in.
"Uh, Commander?" The ship commed tuned in, and the couple groaned in unison.
"If that's Joker I'm going to gift wrap him and give him to Wrex for a chew toy." Shepard grumbled.
Kaidan smiled at her, not wanting to let her go, but she stepped away from him. "Joker, if you ever wanted a medal you could always apply for the bad timing awards." She said to the room.
"Oh… sorry ma'am."
Yeah, sure he is… Jackass. Kaidan thought playfully.
"What is it, Joker?" Shepard asked.
Feeling spontaneous Kaidan stepped behind her and wrapped his arms around her chest and shoulders.
"Kaidan," she whispered, more playful than irritated. "He's probably spying."
"Good." He whispered back. "Let's make him wish he hadn't." Shepard gently nudged him in the ribs.
"Hackett wants to do his official 'after mission thank you' bull shit. You're needed on the bridge." Joker's voice said.
"I'll be there soon." She said, sighing. The channel clicked closed. She turned back to him. "Meet you for lunch in about fifteen?"
"Sure. I'll invite Jones and Williams?" He offered.
She nodded. "See you then."
He let her walk away, taking her warmth with her.
She is going to get me into so much trouble someday.