A/N: Here we are once again, people. Where we last left off, Snake went to Arizona to "retrieve" Dr. Mario for Wario's barbecue party. But now Tabuu has entered the picture… oy vey, things could get quite ugly…
Anyhow, it's time once again for le spiel:
I don't own Super Smash Brothers, Solid Snake or any of the characters featured in this story. I merely lured them into my house with the smell of home cooking and have them locked in my basement. I do however own The Drunken Slurs (A shameless sort of parody of The Black Keys and Radio Moscow, who are two of the greatest bands in existence today IMHO) and two Druken Slurs songs that appear in this chapter.
Tabuu's wings beat with a thunderous sound as he boomed, "SOLID SNAKE! YOU SHALL NOT TAKE DR. MARIO TO WARIO'S BARBECUE PARTY, BECAUSE I WANT TO BRING HIM TO SUBSPACE'S BARBECUE PARTY!" He laughed in the stereotypical villain-ish way, because, you know, he was a stereotypical villain dude.
Snake pulled out his SOCOM as some heroic, cinematic music played from some unseen speaker somewhere. He trained his gun on the being and said, "No deal, Tabuu. Dr. Mario's coming with me and nothing in heaven or hell is going to stop me from getting him to back to Washington."
Snake looked around the area and cursed silently. He had hoped that Konami had sent some covert script writers to write down that incredibly epic statement he just made.
Tabuu slumped his shoulders and then moaned in a very unTabuu-like way, "Awww… Come on, Snake. The Primids are gonna kill me if I go back to Subspace empty handed…"
"Sorry," said Snake, his voice as cold as steel, "but I don't make deals with interdimensional megalomaniacs."
Upon hearing these words, Tabuu's face contorted into a grimace of pure hatred and his head grew as large as Rose O'Donnell's mouth. Once his head had pretty much engulfed most of his watery nekkidness, he opened wide his cavernous maw and roared in a voice that would have even sent Chuck Norris running in terror, "THEN YOU SHALL DIE!"
Then all of a sudden, the Blue Falcon came out of nowhere and Captain Falcon, F-Zero champion, Olympic track and field superstar and former U.S. Ambassador to Brazil, jumped out, looking as heroic and anime-like as ever. A really epic anime theme song boomed from the speakers of his racer.
Captain Falcon flew towards the ground in slow motion, just to show how cool he was. Once his feet made contact with terra firma, he ran in front of Snake and Dr. Mario.
"Stand back, you two!" he shouted in his most macho voice possible. "I'll take care of Tabuu!" Captain Falcon then beckoned to the billowing blue behemoth with his hand. "Come on!"
Tabuu was none too happy about this new wrinkle in the sweater that symbolically represented his plans. His face grew into a form so hideous, it could not even be described in words because if it was described, your computer/mobile device's screen would crack and your parents would make you spend your college fund and/or life savings having it repaired.
The being opened his cavernous maw and bellowed, "WATASHI WA SHINEN… SHINENNNZUUUU!"
At this point, most men would have ran away screaming for a maternal figure, but Captain Falcon was a real man. And if Masaru Daimon from Digimon Savers taught us anything, it's that a real man never backs down from a fight.
The real man jumped high in the air, his helmet flying off because of the sheer epicness of the moment and he cried "FALCON PUNNNNNCH!" He extended his right fist, which burst into flames of holy frickfire, and brought it down hard on Tabuu's giant forehead.
When Captain Falcon's fist connected, there was a momentous explosion of fire and water and a massive wave of light engulfed the surrounding area. For no reason, Dr. Mario screamed "CHOP THEM HOT DOGS! Uh, I mean, CAPTAIN FALCON!"
Tabuu let out a baneful scream of death, defeat and disappointment that he forgot to send his mom flowers for Mother's Day as he shattered into a million pieces and was swallowed up by the light. Captain Falcon gave Snake and Dr. Mario an epic stare as the light engulfed him as well, but the other two men were unable to see his face because it was so bright and if they had seen his face, they would have either died from the awesomeness of it all or would have gotten a yeast infection.
And then just like that, the bright light winked out of existence and the awesome insert/theme song stopped playing. Snake bent over and picked up Captain Falcon's helmet, tears running down his face.
"That brave man…" he said, his voice cracking in an uncharacteristic way that would make a Smash Brothers/Metal Gear Solid purist cringe in disgust if this wasn't supposed to be a humor fic. "He gave it all up to save us…"
Dr. Mario came over to Snake and was going to say something of a motivational nature, when suddenly Captain Falcon dropped down from the sky and landed squarely on his feet in front of the two men, just because he was too cool to stay dead. His awesome face was obscured by one of those blurry boxes they use on COPS to hide stuff that can't be shown on network television.
"Thanks for holding on to my helmet, Snake," said Captain Falcon as he took the aforementioned object from the operative and put it on. Part Eight from "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" by Pink Floyd played as he walked back to his racer.
"Well, that was my good deed for the day…" The captain reached into the sole pocket of his trousers, took out a pen and piece of paper and crossed something out. "I hope this means that Scoutmaster Ellis will finally give me that badge I've been working for since I was twelve."
Once the man had finally made his way back to his racer (he had taken a brief detour in order to fight a vulture and eat an unidentified carcass, in that order), he jumped inside and saluted Snake and Dr. Mario.
"See you out there in the race of life! And if trouble ever comes your way, be sure to FALCON PAWWWNCH it in the gut!" The captain closed his racer's hatch and sped away, his awesomeness killing a flock of birds flying overhead (Either that, or it was the racer's fumes that did them in, as the liberal media would have you believe).
Snake and Dr. Mario stared dumbly off into the distance for several minutes because the author had no idea what else to write down at the moment. Dr. Mario popped another handful of pills in his mouth and listened to some Pink Floyd on his iPod to kill some time.
Suddenly, the not-so good doctor saw something out of the corner of his eye that pulled him out of his prescription drug-induced euphoria; it was a large semi, barreling towards him and the bearded loner standing next to him like a rabid fangirl squeeing over a bad Marth/Ike fic. In the driver's seat sat an enraged man of Mexican descent, who was cursing and ranting in Spanish something about brutally killing a wolf-man and reclaiming his lost honor.
"Snake, get out of the way!" shouted Dr. Mario as he knocked the operative out of the proverbial way simply because he hadn't much of a role so far in the story. He opened up a bottle of his patented arthritis/pain relief supplication Painosaurus® and emptied the entire bottle in his mouth. In an act of pure heroic awesomeness, Dr. Mario leaped at the truck and cried "PHARMA PAWWNNCH!"
Dr. Mario's right fist grew twenty times larger than normal and he punched the front end of the truck. It exploded into a prodigious orb of shrapnel and fire and then from on high, a heavenly choir sang the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah. The doctor's fist shrunk; he then made a fighting stance, brought his hands together and bowed his head.
He walked over to where Snake was and asked, "Uh, now where were we at before all this happened…?"
Snake, who just wanted to go home, said in an angry growl, "You said that if I wanted to take you to Wario's party, I would have to fight you and then you took out your stethoscope and twirled it around and made karate noises and some other stuff like that."
"Oh, right," said Dr. Mario, twirling the stethoscope and again doing a karate scream. Just then, his eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he fell to the ground. Standing behind him was Major Aholl, who was holding his blowgun, and Heli-Doctor, who wore a camouflage shawl around her shoulders, a white blouse, a tan skirt and black high heels, was holding a large black garbage bag.
Snake walked over to them, flashed a brief smile to Dr. Kent and watched as she scooped the doctor up into the bag and tied it shut. She looked so sexy, stuffing guys into bags. Rawr!
"Well, Snake," said Major Aholl lighting a cigar. "Another mission completed successfully." He offered Snake a cigar, but the bearded man refused, taking out a cigarette for himself and lighting it.
After a couple minutes of inhaling carcinogenic tobacco and tar vapors, Snake took his cigarette out of his mouth. He had an emo look on his face, the kind of look that warned you that he was about to launch into a lengthy speech.
"Am I a monster, Major?" He asked, staring into the flaming end of the eyeball-colored stick. "Am I just a cog in an infernal machine of tyranny?"
He turned to face the field of barbecues and shouted, "Are we all just cogs in someone's machine, rather than our own machine? Wouldn't be good if we all could find the machine within us and—"
He was cut off when he felt a dart from Aholl's blowgun embedded in his neck. He hit the dusty ground and the major said to Dr. Kent, "Get a bag for him, too. I swear, with the way he carries on, you would think that he's fourteen years old…"
The next day, every bigwig in D.C. came out for Wario's White House party, which was held out on the White House's North Lawn. All of those guys from the House and Senate who are usually at each other's throats were able to, at least for a few hours, pretend that they actually liked each other. Some people from town were invited as well, but they were far and few between, seeing as how Wario made everybody pay $400 a person for admission.
The aforementioned world leader was stationed at his own barbecue, smiling with his trademarked Sleazy Smile™ and offering guests some onion and garlic kebabs and veal scaloppini with garlic and horseradish sauce. Vice President Dedede was grilling a colossal piece of beef brisket with his wife and son standing nearby. Dr. Mario stood at a large kettle grill, grilling bananas dipped in coconut milk and brown sugar, portabella burgers and Mexican grilled corn while two Secret Service agents stood behind him with their guns trained on him in case he should try to run off.
There was no day-off for Solid Snake however; he was forced to carry serving trays and drinks to the guests while everybody else was having fun. At one point during the festivities, he stopped at a table where Dr. Crygor, Penny and her parents were sitting. Snake stood there and talked to Penny's parents for awhile about what a good daughter she was and how she would grow up to be a fine young woman like her grandfather (Who was neither young nor a woman, except back in 1921).
Some meaningful and heartfelt dialogue was exchanged, but the author chose not to record it. This chapter is long enough, after all.
After leaving the table and getting even more grief from Dr. Crygor about wrecking his modified Chevy Impala, Snake stopped dead in his tracks. He saw a table nearby where Otacon was seated with his adopted daughter Sunny along with Mei Ling and Meryl.
Eager to take a break, he sat down and talked with them for a bit. To spare the reader from the monotony of more Metal Gear-ish speeches, the author elected only to record the bits that he felt had any real significance to the story.
"Mei Ling, what happened to Colonel Campbell? Is he, you know…?"
"No, Snake," said Mei Ling, shaking her head. "Colonel Campbell isn't dead, he's just in a place that's about the same as death: a VA retirement home in Virginia."
"Oh," said Snake in a kind of purr, trying to subconsciously hit on Mei Ling while wanting to go out with Dr. Kent at the same time.
He turned now to Meryl. "Meryl, where's Johnny?"
"Oh, he ate some of Dr. Mario's ribs and, uh…" she had a very uncomfortable look on her face. "You know."
"Ah," said Snake, making a mental note not to come within fifty yards of the porta johns. He then wondered to himself why Kojima made Johnny marry Meryl in MGS4: Guns of the Patriots instead of him. Well, there was that whole "Snake looked like an old guy and only had a year to live" thing…
After some more pointless banter, Snake and Otacon watched as Penny and Sunny danced around a few feet away, singing along to some sugary J-Pop song. Snake smiled as he watched the two of them, silently wishing that he was one of them, except still a dude. Someday… he thought, Someday I will be free. Someday I will play for the children again… He could feel tears forming in his eyes while a sad cellist played a sad song in his mind.
After a couple minutes, Snake turned around and grabbed a hot dog from a platter on the table. He had just put a mound of sauerkraut and copious amounts of brown mustard on the thing and was ready to take a bite out of it when Otacon said in an angry tone, "Snake, you're not eating a hot dog, are you?!"
Snake turned to the dark-haired man. "Yeah, so what if I am?"
"Don't you realize that most hot dogs commonly contain the chemical compound sodium nitrate, which is known to contribute to cellular degeneration and even cause stomach or rectal cancer?"
Snake growled furiously, throwing the hot dog on the table. First, everybody would gang up on him whenever he tried to enjoy a good cigarette, now he couldn't even eat a hot dog! What was the world coming to?
He got up, fighting the urge to unleash his Final Smash powers on the world at large. He could hear that The Drunken Slurs were starting to play on some crappy stage they had set up and went over there. As soon as Snake was out of sight, Otacon quickly grabbed the hot dog that the operative had left behind and ate it.
Snake came up by the makeshift stage and saw Fox, Falco and that nerdy guy who looked like Pit who was wearing glasses, a white shirt, gray pants and sandals, were getting ready to play. Fox stepped up to the microphone and said, "Hi, everybody. We're The Drunken Slurs and we're from Cincinnati, Ohio. We're gonna play some songs for you, so sit back and enjoy."
Snake could see that everybody in the crowd was sitting on picnic blankets and that Dr. Kent was waving for him nearby. He went where she was and sat down; he noticed that she was still dressed in the same ensemble she had worn in the desert. Hmm, I wonder if she has a closet full of the same clothes like I do…
The woman handed him a can of Coke and he opened it. Fox and the band began to play up on the stage. Fox started playing a really cool-sounding guitar riff that reminded Snake of something that Jimi Hendrix would've played. He sipped from the can. Man, I've got to get one of these guys' CDs.
The nerdy guy joined in with a slow drumbeat and Falco started quietly picking his bass with his nonexistent thumb. After a minute or so, Fox began singing in a high falsetto:
My girl, she look me in the eye,
She say, 'Why you try to sing like a black guy?'
Now she make me sit and wonder why,
Every night, she make lay in bed and cry.
He played a mournful blues tune on his guitar. Snake was so totally engrossed in the concert, he didn't feel Heli-Doctor put an arm around his shoulders or steal his wallet, which she then gave back because her conscience bothered her.
An hour later, the sun had begun to set and the Slurs were still going strong. Fox played a psychedelic tune on his guitar as the drummer guy beat his drums so fast that Snake thought the man was going to give himself a heart attack.
Fox sang in a slurring voice:
I see a girl with long socks,
There's an angry black fox,
Pokémon are runnin' through my brain,
All them mons are makin' me insane.
As the drummer guy who looked like Pit (Who actually was Pit) banged on his drums, he saw a terrifying sight in the crowd: it was Palutena! Pit swallowed hard. He had been on the run from his goddess for the last three years because he had realized that he was in love with her and whenever he saw her…
Suddenly, he felt that all too familiar sensation spread across his face. He closed his eyes and silently prayed that it wasn't happening, but then he saw the horrible truth. Shooting out from his nose like a raging river was a geyser of blood that flew all over Fox, Falco and everyone in the crowd. Pit screamed trying to cover his face, but was knocked down from the pressure of trying to hold it back.
While he was on the floor spraying like some gory fountain, Fox and Falco came over to him, drenched in blood, and smacked Pit with their instruments. The crowd was so caught up in the music and the booze and stuff that they were totally oblivious to what was really going on and they cheered as the two anthropoids murdalized Pit.
Some guy pulled the curtain shut and the crowd still cheered. Then, there was a loud explosion and a giant cloud of black smoke appeared in the sky above the stage. The smoke dissipated and Lucario appeared, his eyes glowing like Edward Cullen and his fur as blue as a boy could be. An unseen Japanese flute played a tune that sounded like a wolf howling. His fists were encased in holy frickfire, much like Harry Potter's were in Thirty Hs. Everyone was so plastered that they didn't get what was happening and applauded.
Dr. Mario's eyes went wide, as did the eyes of the two guns holding him at gunpoint. Seeing that his moment was now, Dr. Mario used his stethoscope to grab one of the suits around the neck and then he unrealistically flung the guy into the other agent nearby. Both men's faces collided and they were both sent to Concussion Land, both with very bad concussions that would guarantee them entry therein.
Dr. Mario ran away from his grill and came up to the stage, where Lucario floated high above. "Master Lucario," he said bowing at the waist, talking like he was in a martial arts movie once again. "I knew you would hear my inner grill marks calling for you."
"This had better be good," said Lucario in a stereotyped martial arts master-like voice. "I was playing chess with the Dalai Lama, and he always cheats!"
"Master, rescue me and The Drunken Slurs from Wario!" said Dr. McDreamy, uh, I mean Dr. Mario. "It would bring great honor upon you."
Lucario nodded slowly. Using the powers of his mind, he grabbed Dr. Mario and lifted him up to where he stood in the heavens. The blue jackal then flew behind the stage, mentally grabbed the brawling Drunken Slurs (Pit's nose at least had stopped bleeding since he had plenty of wounds for his blood to come out of now) and flew above the White House.
The blue jackal creature that looked like he had been stolen from Egyptian Mythology looked down in disgust at the mortals below. He shook his head with an equal amount of contempt, mixed with disappointment. If only they could all learn the Way of the Barbecue and could speak to one another with their inner grill marks, the people of this world could dwell together in harmony with one another…
Rather than wasting his time shedding any tears for their pitiful condition, Lucario closed his Edward Cullen eyes and flew swiftly back to his Tibetan sanctuary with Dr. Mario and his three new manslaves, uh, acolytes.
After the crowd realized that The Drunken Slurs had left the building, their good feelings had worn out. They then all surrounded Wario and were preparing to take their anger out on him. Wario called for the Secret Service guys to help him out, but then he could see that even they had joined in with the crowd and wanted a piece of grilled Wario tuchas.
The fat man realized that he was now up the proverbial creek without a paddle. He had to act quickly to save his sorry hide. Using what little brainwaves he possessed, Wario willed Roachie to stimulate his brain cells to come up with some kind of idea to get everyone off of his butt. And sure enough, Roachie did just that and a brilliant idea came to Wario.
"STOP!" shouted Wario. Everyone stopped like the obedient sheep they were. "I've got-a good news and-a bad news. The bad-a news is that I had to have everybody's car impounded in order to pay for this party and to get-a The Drunken Slurs and Dr. Mario here."
Everyone started booing loudly and they began to march towards him again. Wario then quickly added in a more cheerful tune and once again, the sheeple ceased their movement. "But-a the good news is-a your cars are impounded in-a the most crime-ridden area of-a D.C. Whoever survives gets-a free tickets to Wario World!" He chuckled, pulling out fake ticket stubs printed on graham crackers.
The angry crowd grumbled as they turned around and left to find their cars. Wario wiped his brow and sighed. "Wooh, was that-a close-a one." Then Wario started having an MGS moment in his mind about if it was really worth it being President, but the author chose to leave that for a later chapter because of time constraints.
As Snake and Heli-Doctor held hands and headed off with the angry crowd, Vice President Dedede stood off in the distance with his wife and son, staring intensely at the President.
"What a despicable outrage!" he drawled, punching one of his hands. "That incompetent buffoon is the President of the United States? Ah tell ya honey, George Washington and all the men who gave their lives for the freedom of this great nation must be rollin' ovah in their graves to see a man like Wario as President!"
He stomped a foot and pointed at himself. "And Ah for one swear today that man is goin' down!"
Dedede's wife tapped him on the shoulder, "Uh, honey? Remember what the doctah said about your blood pressure."
Dedede slumped. "Yes, ma'am."
A/N: I apologize for the length of this chapter. Chapters 9 and 10 were once one chapter, but I spilt it up because I was worried that I would inadvertently kill some of my readers due to the length. O_o
Unfortunately, the thing that Otacon said about the hot dogs is true. I thought I would throw that in since in every single Metal Gear Solid game somebody warns Snake about the health hazards of smoking.
Just a quick note: this is technically the last chapter that I have written for this story so far, so it may be some time before the next one comes out. But don't worry; you haven't seen the last of Snake and Wario's crazy antics.