Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Academy or any of its characters. Just having a bit of fun with the characters. I own nothing but the plot and the new characters
Warning: Spoilers for Vampire Academy and Bloodlines
Chapter 10: Barely managing
Present
RPOV
I woke up feeling rested. My body felt stiff, like I'd been asleep in the wrong position for hours. I heard someone talking to each other. Probably in the kitchen. Their voices were hushed so I couldn't hear what they were saying. It was probably for the best. I would probably not like it. My eyes fluttered open and I enjoyed the bright light hitting my eyes form above and not from a door I'm not allowed to go through. I enjoyed the feeling of a soft bed underneath me instead of a hard metal table. And most of all I enjoyed the ability to move however I wanted to. To be able to turn around, lay on my back, my stomach or my side. Whatever my brain could come up with. I creeped out of bed, still dressed in Dimitris old T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and peeked out from the bedroom.
On the couch were Dimitri and Lissa. No Christian in sight. I guess some of my guardian training was still intact because they had yet to spot me. Lissa had one arm around Dimitris shoulder and his head rested in the crook of her neck. To someone else this would look like a lovely couple cuddled up on the couch but I knew better.
"I just don't know what to do. I never thought things would turn out this way" Dimitri sighed.
Of course he didn't. I was Rose Hathaway. Rose Belikova I mean. I was supposed to be strong, a leader. Someone to follow. Who would have ever thought that I was going to break?
"Just give her some time Dimitri. She will come back to us. We just have to help her on the way"
I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and the floorboard creaked under me. Dimitri's and Lissa's heads shoot up and I was met with two pair of surprised eyes.
"Sorry" I said. I don't even know what I apologized for, everything I guess.
"You've got nothing to be sorry for Rose, I should apologize. You wasn't supposed to hear that. I thought you were asleep. I'm sorry.
In the middle of his charade he got up and strided over to me. First when he put his arms around me I could feel truly safe. Just these past few days I've realized how much physical contact can mean. It assures you that you're still in reality and that someone is caring for you.
Suddenly I'm not in my own body anymore. I'm in Lissa's head. When I was away it became so natural for me to go inside her head whenever I could. It was far easier to live someone else's life when yours was a plain hell. Lissa's life had been miserable too, but at least there I could see them. It had been hard not being able to be there and comfort them when they "mourned" me. Dimitri especially. I hated to see how his guardian mask constantly was in place.
I was deep in Lissa's thoughts and mind when I heard a gasp. I peeked over Dimitri's shoulder and into Lisa's wide open eyes. Through the bond I could feel her confusion.
"How…I…I can feel…You" She stuttered out.
"I think they gave me something to block the bond when I was away. I could feel you but you couldn't feel me. I guess it has worn off by now. It was pretty strong." I responded.
"Like a charm?" Dimitri asked.
"Something like that"
After that I hid my head in Dimitri's chest. He tightened his arms and I breathed in and out trying to calm my body. All these feelings and impressions under the last days has taken its toll on me. From being trapped inside a room for two years to trying to live as the girl before all this happened wasn't so easy.
"Well I should get going. I have some… stuff to take care of, you know, queen stuff" Lissa said, not being so subtle in her intentions. But I was grateful. I wasn't so sure that I could handle both Lissa and Dimitri walking on eggshells around me.
After she was out the door Dimitri led me back into the bedroom, not bothering to turn off the light. He probably thought about last night.
We laid down on the bed, facing each other. Our noses almost touched. This was probably one of the few times that we were at the same height. We could look straight into one another's eyes without me looking up and him looking down. It was nice.
"Aren't you going to ask what happened while I was… away?" I wondered. If the roles were reversed I would have asked a long time ago. But this was Dimitri we were talking about, he was well known for his self-control.
"No. I was hoping that you would tell me when you were ready" He answered. Typical Dimitri. It was a mystery why I had even asked in the first place.
I didn't know If I would ever be ready to tell him the whole story, but I could at least give him a part of it.
"I think you probably have figured out what they did to my body, but they didn't do anything more than…drink." I said. My voice wasn't higher than a whisper but he heard me. He nodded and I saw relief pass in his eyes before he covered it up. I knew he was afraid that they had done more to me than bite and I was glad I could at least reassure him of that. I wasn't so sure about the other parts though.
"It was just when they couldn't find any...food. He...He allowed them to use me. Sometimes when I did something bad in his opinion, like waking up to early he would allow them to drink. A lot. And then they didn't feed from me for a few weeks so that I would get withdrawal symptoms, my whole body would shake and I would even beg for them to bite me. They would just stand there and laugh at me." I knew he wouldn't understand everything I had told him but it was better than nothing. I wasn't ready to tell everything right now. He would have to wait, and I knew he would.
The worst part with the biting had been the humiliation. That they had the power over me to do as they wished and I couldn't say no. Correction: I could say no but they wouldn't listen. When I was laying on the floor, begging for just a little bite, they would just laugh and leave the room. Everyone except one.
Zeke.
Without him I would probably be shell of the bleak copy of my former self I am today. Without his superior knowing he would sneak in to my cell/room and sit with me. We didn't talk or try to make the other one feel better but it was enough for us. He was also the one with medical education, so basically he kept me alive during those three years. I think that in some way he still held on to his humanity the same way Dimitri had held on to our love when he was strigoi. Maybe he just longed for his former life or for a lover and friend. Any way we were trapped, both in our own ways. Me in that room and he in his mind. I know that when I tell people many will think that it is some form of Stockholm's syndrome but that wasn't the case. He wasn't the kidnapper and I wasn't the victim. We were both prisoners in that house.
There wasn't anything affectionate going on between us. Nothing could replace Dimitri for me and he wasn't interested. We were just seeking comfort in each other's presence.
If it was anything that I Would miss from that house, how weird that now sounds, it would be him. But nothing else, absolutely nothing else.
-(-)-
A week passed like this. I didn't leave the house, nor did I try. Dimitri didn't push and I didn't bring it up. Lissa and Christian came by a couple of times but no one else. For that I was glad, I wasn't sure that I could handle someone else, especially not a stranger. But luck wasn't on my side.
The news on my return spread like a wildfire, not just around court but all around the vampire world. Soon enough Dimitri's phone was ringing non-stop. Our friend and family was constantly trying to reach us and arrange a meeting.
After a week, I had had enough. Every time someone would call or text I'd jump up and start to panic before I realized that it was just the phone. I figured that if they just came in small group spread out over some time I could manage without freaking out.
-(-)-
My mom and dad went first. They would come over an hour and dine with us. Us being Dimitri and me. I was already sweating and dreading the meeting. And it was one hour left!
45 minutes. It wasn't really my parents that scared me. It was the fact that in my mind they could disappear any second that frightened me. I panicked over the fact that I could wake up in the room again.
30 minutes. I could do this. They're just my parents. Nothing could go wrong, right?
15 minutes. Just breathe. In, out, in, out.
Knock, knock.
I had been sitting in Dimitri's lap all day, mentally preparing myself for this moment. He carefully put me down on the couch and walked up the door to let my parents in.
I heard the door open and close. Dimitri probably talked to my parents about the do's and don'ts when it came to me.
The door opened again and Dimitri was first in. A few seconds later my mom came in and at last my dad. They both froze in the hallway while Dimitri came over to sit with me on the couch. My hand automatically reach for Dimitris and gripped it hard. I'm pretty sure I stopped the blood flow in his fingers but he didn't let go.
"Rose…I…I can't believe you're back" My mom stuttered out. I don't think that I'd even seen her cry, but there is always a first of everything. My dad didn't do much better.
"Little girl…"
And because I needed physical proof of the fact that they were there I stood up and walked over to them. They both looked at each other and then at Dimitri, needing guidance on what to do next. I decided to help them a little on the way.
"Can I touch your hands?" I asked and they did as I asked. Confusion clearly written on their faces.
I understood that not many could understand my fascination with hands. But to me it meant everything in the world to be able to touch someone else's hands. When I was in that house I used to fantasize about coming home. About how I would run into Dimitris arms, hug my friends and cry of relief in my parents embrace. While I was awake I could picture these scenes perfectly in my head but I couldn't control my dreams, or rather nightmares. One particular dream would forever be burned into my memory.
It was very similar the homecoming I had actually experienced but it did have another outcome. When Dimitri would run into the room at the hospital he wouldn't freeze, he would run straight over to me, reaching out for my hand in the process. But he never made it. I would always wake up right before he could reach me. Most of the nightmares had that outcome. We would see each other and then I would wake up. Either by myself or by someone shaking me. It was other people than Dimitri who tried to reach me too. Lissa, Adrian, Victoria and even Stan one time. But mostly it was Dimitri and Lissa.
So if had the ability to touch other people's hands, it gave me a reassurance that I was in reality and not in the land of dreamers. Sometimes I had wondered why they didn't try to reach me in a spirit dream. But I figured that they that that I was dead and that the earth charm blocked them.
Those who kept me paid a moroi to make earth charms that would block Lissa from feeling me and I guess that it made it impossible to dream walk me too. It probably just cut me off from anyone trying to reach me mentally. I don't know who it was who made the charm. Once that he came by once a month delivering a package of bottled mantel blockers. People would do anything if you just paid them enough money.
Under the first months of living in the house I pleaded with the moroi that he would help me escape. Or at least contact someone who could have gotten me out of there. He would always come in alone and dump the package in a corner. He just ignored me and left. My captured probably did it to mess with my head once again. To give me a spark of hope only to take it away a second later. After what I think was a couple of months I stopped asking. It hurt too much to believe.
I understood that it wasn't enough for my parents to just hold my hands so I let them hug me, even if it made it hard to breath.
-(-)-
That's pretty mush how the next couple of weeks looked. I managed to meet all my friends and family even if they were in small groups and not freak out to much about it. It was easier with Dimitri's family. Because of the fact that we were separated by a big ocean and hundreds of thousand kilometres of landmasses they couldn't be here right away. Therefor a video call was our only option. It was easier for me and it gave me a feeling of control.
I'd had a couple of panic attacks. There was no escaping those. The most recent being a couple of days ago when Adrian and Sydney came for their first visit. Adrian had called me "Little dhampir" and my mind instantly connected his word to what the strigoi that captured me said. It caused a panic attack so severe that they had to use a sedative on me. But other than that time and when I first tried to leave the house they didn't have to sedate me. It only required Dimitri and a bit of coaxing to get me back.
But I'm managing. It's getting better for every day. Dimitri's helping a lot. I'm trying to take one day at a time, it makes it easier to not focus on the future and what I could possible never have.
I have therapy sessions twice a week now. Often it's Dimitri who accompanies me there but Lissa comes when she can. We even had a group session once. With me, Dimitri, Lissa and Christian. It's mostly talk about safe zones and safe words to use when I feel that it gets too much or need to get to a place where I can relax. It feels good to be able to talk to someone that won't judge me and that I could talk freely to.
I knew I had that with Dimitri but it just wasn't the same with what he felt for me. I didn't say that he didn't help because he helped a lot, but it was nice talking to someone that was neutral on the subject. Someone who didn't know who I was before everything happened. Someone I could have a clean slate with.
The therapist also recommended starting a journal. To write down feeling and even to be able to let go of them. To make my mind relax and start focusing on the future. So the other day Lissa bough me a journal from a court shop. It was dark, plain and simple. Just like I wanted it to be.
Otherwise not much happened. I tried to get back to a somehow normal life and it felt pretty good. I was nowhere near ready to be out on the field again or even guard a council meeting but I was on my way back.
Just taking one day at the time.
AN: Okay so I realize how much this sound like it's the last chapter but I promise you it's not. I have at least 10 more chapters planned out. They may not be written down but they are planned and will soon be put into words.
So what do you think about this chapter? Was it good? What about Zeke, any thoughts about him? I needed to speed up the pace a little so this chapter may seem a little bit all over the place but I hope most of it will work out in the end.
Next chapter will include a little bigger time jump so be prepared!
Critiques are welcome as well as your opinion! :)
Have a nice day/night, wherever you are!