Well, we are working towards the end of the story. This chapter is very intense and dark. As always, a big shout out to all my reviewers. And to those of you who read and don't review, I appreciate you too!

I don't own Twilight, just this plot.

How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey...this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me...
Why
Why

I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard it said too many times
That you'd be better off
Besides...
Why can't you see this boat is sinking
(This boat is sinking this boat is sinking)
Let's go down to the water's edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out turning inside out
Tell me...
Why
Tell me...
Why

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel

Annie Lennox - Why


November


When Bella turned onto the long, winding road that lead to their house, she had settled into a state of numbness. The pain threatening to crush her was too much, so she pushed it away into the deep recesses of her mind. She was surprised how easy it was to do, but then again, it hadn't been that long ago that Edward had left her alone in the forest. Perhaps repressing pain was just like riding a bicycle - a skill learned and not easily forgotten. There were no other houses on their lane, so there was no avoiding the light that poured out of their living room window. Bella knew she had turned out all the lights before she left, which could mean only one thing: Edward was home. She held tight to her numbness, willing it to wrap around every cell. She couldn't allow Edward to see the pain he had inflicted, the damage he had caused.

Her hand automatically rose to the visor to click the garage door opener as she drove up their driveway. She maneuvered the Volvo next to Edward's Vanquish and turned off the ignition. She quickly called Charlie to let him know she had made it home and clicked the button to lower the garage door. It was so tempting just to stay in the car, but Bella willed herself to open the door and make her way into the house. The kitchen was dark, but she could see the light from the living room spilling down the hall. She dropped her bag and purse on the floor and froze, unsure what to do next. Should she walk into the living room and confront Edward, or take the stairs and head straight to the bedroom? Finally, she decided to find Edward. It's not like she would be able to concentrate in her bedroom, knowing that he was in the house. With leaden feet, Bella made her way down the hall and into the living room. Edward was sitting on the couch, looking like a statue carved out of the whitest of marble.

"Hi," she said, not making a move to walk any further into the room. She wasn't sure what to say. Just this once, she wished that Edward could read her mind. How could she adequately explain the depth of her pain and anger to this man, her husband, whom she didn't seem to recognize anymore? What could she say to take them back in time - to make them work again?

"Bella, I came home because I wanted to apologize for my behavior tonight. Trying to start a war, putting my family at risk, was incredibly impulsive of me."

She was not expecting the first words out of Edward's mouth to be an apology. Part of her was relieved that he realized how wrong his actions had been, but she couldn't help but wait for the other shoe to drop.

"Thank you, Edward. I want things to get better between us, but that won't help if you start a war with the pack. We've got enough on our plate already." Bella's mouth was dry, so her words came out no more than a raspy whisper. Edward still hadn't moved or given any sign that he was, in fact, happy to see his wife. She would have felt better about his apology had he come forward and wrapped his arms around her - told her he loved her.

"No, war isn't the answer, but I think from now on you need to stay away from Forks. The temptation is just too great there, and with Charlie spending more and more time with Billy, I would feel better if he came here to visit instead."

With a sickening thud, Bella felt the other shoe drop. He actually expected her to stay away from Forks, from her father? "Are you kidding me? You actually expect me not to visit Charlie? What am I supposed to tell him when he asks why I've stopped coming to see him?" She couldn't keep the panic from creeping into her voice. Did he expect her to become a prisoner in her own home?

Edward finally stood up from the couch and came to stand next to Bella. "I'm not saying you can't visit Charlie. I'm just saying that it would be easier if he came here. I can't be with you every second, and evidently Jacob is too much of a temptation for you to resist. If I could trust you to obey me, I wouldn't be asking this of you," he said, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "You know I love you. This is for your own good, love. I'm just trying to put things right between us again."

Jacob is too much of a temptation...If I could trust you to obey me...This is for your own good... His words careened around in her head until the last threads holding her together snapped. Edward had just pushed her too far. After everything she had put up with, every humiliation, every hurt, every tear, she just couldn't take any more. Maybe Jake and Rose were right - maybe there was no future left for them. She launched herself at Edward, grabbing at his shirt with one hand and his hair with the other. Tears rolled down her face, and for a moment her screams were incoherent and savage. She pushed and tugged at him as she tried not to choke on the bile building in her throat.

"Fuck you, Edward. Fuck you and your self righteous attitude. Fuck you for only looking at me and seeing a weak human. Fuck you for thinking you're so much better than me. You know what? Maybe you are the soulless bastard you've claimed to be all these years. " She pulled on his hair with all her strength, even though she knew it would be impossible for her to actually hurt him. She was tired of hurting, tired of carrying all the pain of her perceived failures on her mortal shoulders. The only way she could think of to banish it all was to make him hurt. If only she was a vampire; she would rip him limb from fucking limb and burn the pieces one at a time. She knew that she had to be losing her mind, but the thought of killing him brought a savage smile to her lips.

"Bella, calm down," he replied, a tinge of panic in his voice. She probably looked like a lunatic, but she didn't care. It was finally her turn to let Edward see what she had been holding inside. It was her turn to be cruel and she would relish every moment.

"Don't you dare tell me to calm down! I've put up with your shit for way too long. But I won't do it anymore. I'm done." She sucked in a lungful of air and tried to steady her erratic breathing. She could hardly hear anything but the blood whooshing through her ears.

"What do you mean you're done?" The panic in his voice was gone, replaced by a sinister tone that would have once caused Bella to retreat. Not today - not anymore.

"I mean," she said, twisting one hand in his shirt and the other in his hair, "things are going to change or I'm leaving."

Edward laughed, grabbed her hand from his hair, and placed it back at her side. She was so fucking sick and tired of being weak – something was going to change, and it was going to change tonight. As Edward continued to laugh, Bella felt a rage that she had never experienced bubble up inside her.

"Don't you fucking laugh at me!"

"Then don't be ridiculous."

He really didn't respect her; perhaps he never had. All of the years they had been together, and the entire time he had looked at her as weak: physically, mentally and emotionally. To Edward, she was just a human girl who constantly needed saving. Well, she had news for him – she didn't need saving anymore. Her hands beat against his chest, a futile gesture, but she couldn't stop herself. Tears rolled down her face as her dreams, which had been fading slowly for years, finally sputtered and died.

Edward stood there motionless as she poured out every ounce of her anger on him. She scratched at his face, pulled his hair, her fists beat into his granite flesh, but try as she might she was never going to hurt him. Her hands were bruised and bloody by the time the fight had left her body. He still hadn't said a word; Bella assumed it was from indifference or shock – either way he let her beat herself against his body, like a ship battering against rocks in a storm, and never raised a hand to stop her.

She stepped away from him, spent and aching. Bella knew in her heart that things would never change. But a life without Edward was not a life she could live. She knew what she had to do. It wasn't something she relished, but it was the only way out. She would give Edward one last chance to save her, but one way or the other she was leaving this shell of a body, this mockery of a life. Bella turned away from Edward and took a step towards the kitchen.

"I'm going to clean up – don't follow me."

She walked into the kitchen and quietly slid the boning knife from the butcher block. It was so light in her hand, just a few inches of steel and wood, but it was all she needed to end her life. She pressed the blade against her wrist and said a prayer that God would forgive her. In one swift motion, she sliced through the skin of her left wrist, severing tendons and veins. The pain blinded her instantly, but she welcomed it because for that moment, she forgot the agonizing feeling of her heart rending in two. She stilled for a moment, but knew she only had a few seconds, if that, to slit her other wrist before Edward would be at her side. She couldn't let herself falter; her hands shook as she transferred the knife to her left

"Bella, no!" Edward stood in the doorway, looking at her in horror.

"Don't act like you care, Edward. I was going to die one day – I just decided to accelerate the process."

The blood from her wrist dropped to the tile in a steady stream. Drip. Drip. Drip. She watched it pool on the floor in macabre fascination. It was like she was outside her body, watching some other girl as her life drained onto the tile.

"Please, don't do this. Let me take you to the hospital…we can figure this out, just please don't do this." He moved a step closer, reaching out his hand for the knife.

"No closer! Change me or let me die. I can't live like this anymore. Don't you see you've already destroyed my soul? I just don't want to hurt anymore, Edward. I've loved you with everything I have, but I know now that it isn't enough."

She sucked in her breath, but before she could draw the knife against her other wrist Edward plucked it from her hand. He reached out for her, but even with blood pouring from her wrist, she flinched away.

"Don't touch me. If you don't want me; if you're never going to change me, I might as well die now and save us both the trouble of going on like this. Now I understand the phrase can't live with you, can't live without you."

She slumped down to the floor, landing in the pool of blood that had been collecting on the tile. Edward was still watching her with frantic eyes, but he didn't make the slightest move in her direction. She began to draw swirls in the blood, thinking about everyone she was leaving behind. Her parents, Angela, the Cullens; she knew they would mourn her, but she couldn't bring herself to change her mind.

"Edward, please make this look like an accident. I don't want Charlie and Renee knowing I did this to myself, and please, tell them how much I loved them. Tell your family I'm sorry. I don't want to leave them, but I just...this is the only way."

"Bella," Edward choked out. His words were cut off by the sound of his phone. He took it out of his pocked and brought it to his ear. "Thank god, Alice. Please, hurry." Hearing from Alice evidently broke him out of his stupor because he ran to the counter and flung open a drawer, sending it crashing into the wall. He fell to his knees at her side and took her wris tin his hands.

"No, no, no," Bella cried, weakly attempting to pull her arm away. "Can't you just let me die...can't you just fucking change me? Please, just change me and everything will be so much better; we'll be so much better." Sobs wracked her body as she realized that once again, she had failed. She watched the blood soak through the towel and prayed that Carlisle would take pity on her and change her himself.

"Shhhh," Edward whispered as he wrapped her wrist with another layer of towels, binding them tightly. When he was done, he pulled her into his lap and held her gently. She felt his shoulders start to shake and a mournful cry broke through his lips. Soon, her tears joined his dry sobs, and they cried together, both lost to their own, private despair, both mourning all they had lost. Edward brought his hand to her face, trailing a thin line of blood over her cheeks. "You can't leave me. I don't know what I would do without you."

Bella was too weak and exhausted to speak, and even if she could, she had no idea what she would say. What kind of person was she if she couldn't even succeed at killing herself? She was still alive and still human - shattered beyond repair. Taking in a shallow breath, Bella willed herself back to that place she went when Edward left her, when the darkness surrounded her and there was no pain or fear, just a vast expanse of nothing. Her eyes slipped shut, and the world mercifully went black.