The Broken Ones
Chapter Ten:
To Be an Equal
With a huff, Darcy dropped onto her bed, falling face first into the mattress. What had she been thinking? She had said yes to going out with two super soldiers… at the same time, on the same date and she had nothing to wear! None of her clothes were good enough to be seen with two Adonis'. Sure, they had decided on doing something casual so as not to make their first date too intense, but that didn't help her at all. She couldn't just wear the same thing she wore every day, could she?
Pushing herself off the bed she marched over to her closet and pulled it open. Rifling through all of her clothing, she sighed and looked down at her stomach. Bringing up a hand, she pinched the fat around her middle and scowled… anything tight was out of the question. Maybe she could wear what she normally wore and just play up the makeup and do something nice with her hair? That would probably work, they were males after all, they probably wouldn't even notice. Taking out a fancier baggy sweater and a pair of skinny jeans, she nodded to herself. She could do this.
Staring at the clothing in her hands, Darcy let her mind wander. Could this really work? The three of them? Together? How was this possible? What happened if their date didn't go well? Would they still be friends? Probably, she didn't think Steve and Bucky would treat her any differently just because they didn't have the right kind of chemistry. But what happened if it did work? What would happen then? Would they continue to see each other? Again, probably, what reason was there to stop? But then, where did that leave her? How did she fit in to their equation? They had been together for so long, known each other for decades. How could she compete with that? How could she be seen as an equal, when she wouldn't be one? There was no way this dynamic could work. She was setting herself up for failure and heartache. Darcy shook her head but it was too late, a little seed of dread had begun to sprout in the pit of her stomach. She would have to be careful about this.
At exactly 6:01 PM there came a jaunty knock on her door before J.A.R.V.I.S announced that it was, in fact, her two suitors. Two, she still couldn't get over that. She wasn't even used to having one. Walking to the door she stood in front of it and paused… this was it. Could she do this?
The bowling ball flew down the center off the lane, hitting its target and sending the pins flying in all different directions. Steve watched his victory a moment before turning around, a hand on the back of his neck, sheepishly grinning at her.
"It's freaking cheating to let you bowl," said Darcy, getting up and walking over to pick up her bowling ball.
"I find that statement offensive," laughed Steve as he passed her on the way back to check his score.
"I find you offensive. The ball didn't even roll! It just skid all the way into a strike!" Darcy called over her shoulder as she lined up her shot. Holding the ball up to her chest, she wound up and released it. It rolled true for a tenth of a second before becoming a magnificent gutter ball.
"What can I say?" Steve shrugged. "I'm just that good."
"You're just a cheater…" said Darcy as she returned to them. "At least you have to play switch." She pointed at Bucky. Sitting down and reaching for her drink.
"Who knew you were such a sore loser, Doll." Bucky winked at her as she took a sip of her Pepsi. Standing, he tweaked her nose before going to get his ball.
"Who knew Cap was so competitive and I am not a sore loser, I just don't like cheaters." She rubbed her nose. That was such a grandpa thing to do, she couldn't help but smile.
"Would you rather I take it easy on you?" asked Steve semi seriously. He had an inkling of what the answer would be but he wanted to make sure.
"No," she sulked, placing her drink back on the table.
"Then stop whining," he teased.
"Well aren't you Mr. Sassy Pants." Darcy crossed her arms over her chest.
"So Sassy." Bucky returned, a grin on his face and Darcy couldn't help but smile back.
"Next time we go to an arcade," she said, moving over so that he could sit beside her.
"Next time eh?" he questioned, a glint of hope in his eye and his grin transforming into a smirk.
"Shut up."
Darcy stood in front of her door, looking up at both soldiers. They had walked her home and it was kind of weird. Who did that? She had never had someone walk her back to her place before. Though she supposed since they lived in the same vicinity it was easier for them to do… but she had the feeling they would have walked her home regardless of where they lived. Taking a step back, so it was easier to look up at them, she took in the two hulking super soldiers in front of her. They looked nervous and Darcy couldn't help but fight a smile. It made her feel important, they made her feel important, having them wait on an answer from her.
"I had a good time," she said honestly.
"So did we and we'd like to do it again?" asked Bucky, his question hung in the air between them, waiting for a response. She paused, pretending to think it over and letting them stew.
"We can do it again," she answered him, putting them out of their misery.
"Really?" Steve's eyes took on a hopeful gleam, like he couldn't believe she had just said that and honestly, she couldn't either. What was she thinking? This was just asking for her heart to be broken.
"Yes," she affirmed, causing his entire face to break into a wide grin. Rushing forward he scooped her up into his arms. Pressing his lips to hers his in a gentle kiss, his ears reddened at the realization of what he'd just done. He set her down softly and stepped back. Darcy's head was spinning. That was their first kiss and it had been absolutely, perfect.
"I guess and now you?" Darcy asked, looking over at Bucky. He had an expression of utter glee on his face but somehow still managed to smirk through it. She rolled her eyes at him.
"Don't force yourself," he said, his grin widening.
"Get over here." Reaching out, she grabbed his lapel and pulled him forward. This kiss was nothing like their first, it was soft but no less skilled. If there was one thing Bucky Barnes knew how to do, this was it. "Still weird but I'm trying." She stepped back and opened her door, her cheeks going red at the look in Steve's eye. What had she gotten herself into?
"That's all we ask, Doll."
Life was surprising Darcy and it hadn't done that in a long time. It was, for lack of a better term, going well. She loved her job, she wasn't as sad as she normally was and she was dating two seriously hot super soldiers. What had she done to deserve this? It was as if someone was looking out for her. There was a light shining down on her and she could finally see the opening at the end of the tunnel. It was like she could breath for the first time in a while and she was on cloud nine because of it.
Bucky and Steve were great; they were kind, considerate and easy on the eyes. When they weren't on missions, they were always around and that was something she could get used too. Their relationship was going strong and even if she wasn't an equal, it was still nice to be included in something so intimate. Darcy doubted she would ever truly be an equal in this relationship, but right now that didn't matter. Right now, all she wanted to do was enjoy it and not think about the future and what could happen. She wanted to be happy and this was the closest she had come in years.
"You know, when we first started dating, I never thought you'd be this affectionate," said Darcy as Bucky sidled up behind her, casually wrapping his arms around her waist.
"Is being affectionate a bad thing?" he asked, nuzzling her ear.
"No." Darcy put down the bread knife she was using to make sandwiches.
"Good, because I like touching you." He kissed her temple.
"Good, because I like being touched by you." She turned in his embrace to face him, leaning back against the kitchen counter, she looked up. "And you too." She nodded at Steve over Bucky's shoulder. Steve winked at her and she felt her knees go weak.
"Doll, can I ask a question?" The lightness of Bucky's tone offset the seriousness of the question but Darcy couldn't help but feel her stomach drop.
"Uh-oh." She kept her voice airy and her mask in place, preparing for the worst.
"It's nothing bad, I was just wondering why you cover up all the time," said Bucky, tugging on another baggy sweater she was wearing yet again.
"Because no one wants to see this," she laughed off his inquiry and turned away from him. Pulling out of his arms she went back to making their lunch.
"We do," Steve piped up from behind her, shrugging at Bucky and making a face that said he clearly thought she was crazy.
"Doll, are you kidding me? You have an amazing body." Bucky wedged himself into the corner beside her.
"Okay, okay." Darcy rolled her eyes and waved the bread knife dismissively.
"No, you do," affirmed Bucky.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," she huffed and handed him a plate of sandwiches that were all for him.
"Alright, if that's what the reason is then no problem."
"That's the reason, don't worry, have you met me? Please, like I have self-esteem issues." She went back to making more sandwiches for herself and Steve. Trying desperately to keep her mask in place, not wanting them to know how close they'd come to the truth.
"See, I told you, Buck," said Steve, punching Bucky in the shoulder like he should have known better then to ask.
"Okay, you were right," shrugged Bucky, taking a bite out of one of his several sandwiches. "I won't mention it again"
Maybe there was hope. Perhaps, just perhaps, she wasn't so alone and perhaps, just perhaps, she had found people she could rely on. People who weren't perfect, like she had originally thought, but who were cracked and broken just like she was. Boys, who had flaws but still somehow managed to make it work. That gave her hope. If they were able to function and live through all of the stuff they had been through, then, possibly, she could too. She wanted this. God, she wanted this. She wanted to be loved.
Darcy wanted to tell them how they made her feel. How when they were around things weren't so bad. How sometimes she got sad. She wanted to tell them that sometimes there were days where she couldn't get out of bed and how she didn't think that was normal. She wanted to tell them all the things she thought. Things like how she was afraid to sleep and how much she hated herself. She wanted to ask for help because she trusted them and she knew they would take care of her. She was safe when she was with them.
There had been so many times when all of this was on the tip of her tongue. Times where she had been so close to spilling all her dirty little secrets but she always stopped herself. They weren't ready for that, were they? If she looked at them hard enough she could see their cracks too. Cracks that had been filled in and painted over to look like they weren't there. But they could still be seen if one looked hard enough. Cracks that she was afraid she might reopen if she added pressure to them. If she added her troubles to their shoulders, then they would leave her. They would realize how broken she really was and they would leave her and she would be alone in the darkness once more. So she kept her mouth shut but that didn't stop her from wanting to tell them. She counted that as a win in itself because she had never wanted anyone to know before and now… she wanted nothing more than to tell them.
Darcy rolled over in her bed, trying in vain to get comfortable. It looked like it was going to be a sleepless night for her. Darcy sighed. She had been together with the boys for a while now but she had yet to spend the night. They had never asked, so she had never stayed. She wanted to, she really wanted to. She often thought about what it would be like to wake up in their arms. She wondered if Steve snored and if Bucky drooled in his sleep. These were questions she had no answers too and it was keeping her awake. Still, she wouldn't be the one to press the matter. Darcy didn't want to drive them away from her. She wanted them to be comfortable and when they were ready, they would ask her to spend the night. She was afraid that if she pushed them, they would leave her and she didn't know if she could deal with that. Maybe when they asked her, she would feel more like an equal, more like she belonged. Until then, she would cuddle her pillow instead of her boys and dream of being surrounded by their warmth.
They had asked her! They had finally asked her to spend the night! She was so excited. This was a big moment for them, for their relationship. This was another step towards her being on par with them and that was huge. But more importantly, she needed to dig out her cute pajamas.
Darcy jerked awake, something was wrong, a metal hand began to crush her windpipe. Bucky's face swam into view above her except it wasn't him… it was The Winter Soldier, they had never formally met but she had heard stories. His fingers tightened.
"Steve, help!" She barely got the words out but he was there in a second, tackling Bucky and pinning him on the bed.
"Bucky!" shouted Steve as the other man writhed. "Bucky wake up! It was just a dream!" Steve struggled with him a moment before he went limp. With a jerk and a giant shove to get Steve off of him, Bucky sat up and turned to Darcy.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice rough and laced in fear.
"I'm okay," she said trying to sound reassuring and she would have pulled it off too, if her voice hadn't cracked as she said it. Bucky blanched and flung himself off the bed. Storming across the room, he marched into the bathroom and slammed the door. A moment later the lock clicked and the sound of a mirror smashing filled the apartment.
"Darcy, Honey, I think you should go," Steve said as he got off the bed and offered her a hand to help her do the same.
"But-"
"We'll come see you tomorrow." He ushered her out of the bedroom and through the apartment. Within moments she was standing in the hallway, alone and broken. She would never be their equal.
Darcy had taken half the bottle, when the vomiting started. Her body was trying to reject the poison she was force feeding it. Her body shook as she heaved again, emptying her stomach into the toilet. Wiping the vomit from her chin she sat back against the wall and reached for the bottle of Aspirin once more. Hands shaking, she poured out another handful and downed it dry.
God she was so tired of this. She couldn't even die with dignity. Darcy's head lolled to once side before dropping her chin to her chest. She was so tired. Everything ached, which was funny because wasn't Aspirin supposed to stop that? The room began to blur as the edges of her vision blackened. Forcing her head back, it thunked against the wall as she lost consciousness. The bottle she held onto falling from her hand and making a loud clattering as it landed, scattering what little pills remained across the bathroom floor.
A.N: So I tried to be as respectful as possible. I'm sorry if this upsets you or offends you but it was always going to go this way. Also expect a bit of a hiatus, I need to write a chapter of my novel before I write another chapter for my fic.
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