Elevator Music
A/N: I love Dove chocolate, and I do happen to collect the wrappers. It has taken me a while to get the few I have, and I'm very proud of my collection. Confused? Well, read on…
"Angelus?"
"Yes."
"Do you believe in fortune cookies?"
"Buffy, as your species only hope of survival, don't you think you should be worrying about more important things?"
"I think I might believe in them."
"Good God."
"What?"
"Don't believe in fortune cookies, Buffy."
"Why not?"
"Because it ruins my brief delusion of you having any intelligence in that pretty little head of yours."
"Stop it, I'm serious."
"So am I. You should never believe anything that you read on the inside of a food."
"That's not true!"
"Yes, Buffy; yes, it is."
"What about Snapple Facts?"
"Excuse me?"
"Snapple Facts. They're these cool, little trivia things that are printed on the bottom Snapple caps."
"And you believe them."
"They're Snapple Facts, Angelus. Facts."
"You are without a doubt the most ignorant woman I have ever come in contact with."
"Oh, really. Well, here's some ignorance for you: Did you know that Chinese is the most spoken language in the world?"
"What? No, it's not. English is."
"Ah! Ugly American, party of one."
"Hey! I am not an American."
"Oh, please. I think after nearly a century of living here, you're pretty much a citizen."
"You know what? It doesn't matter. Chinese is not the most spoken language in the world. Where'd you even hear that trash?"
"From a Snapple cap, Angelus. Honestly, I'm concerned. Why can't you make these connections in your head?"
"Fuck off. That Snapple crap stuff is ridiculous. So are the fortune cookies."
"Really? Cause one of mine said that I would endure enormous aggression to get to the utter pinnacle of my spiritual peace in bed."
"It said that?"
"Yep."
"It told you, you were going to have spiritual peace in bed?"
"Well, it didn't actually say, 'in bed', but you're supposed to add it on."
"Oh, dear Lord."
"Everybody does it."
"You mean to say that this entire time I've known you, you've been adding 'in bed' to the ends of fortune cookies?"
"Hey, way to overreact."
"Is there any other ludicrasly terrifying behavior I should know about?"
"…No…"
"Buffy…?"
"Look, what I do…it is not, ludicrasly terriying. It's quirky."
"What do you do?"
"I collect…things?"
"Oh, God help me. What…things?"
"Wrappers."
"Oh, Buffy, that's so unsanitary."
"No, it's not. They're clean."
"You collect clean wrappers?"
"From chocolate. Dove chocolate."
"I'm almost afraid to ask why."
"They have little sayings on the inside. I just think they're pretty funny."
"Sayings?"
"Yeah, here, I'll show you."
"Holy shit. You have hundreds!"
"I have eleven. Go away."
"Huh. They do have sayings on them. Don't they?"
"Don't touch them. They'll rip."
"You're touching them."
"I'm not a savage animal. I have grace and careful fingers."
"Oh, I'll show you careful fingers."
"You know what Angelus? Age is nothing but a number."
"Excuse me?"
"Naughty can be nice."
"If you say so."
"Live your dreams."
"I do."
"Go to your special place."
"But she won't let me. She's reading chocolate wrappers."
"Love without rules."
"Or don't love at all."
"Watch reruns, they replay your memories."
"Photogenic memory, dear."
"Smile before bed. You'll sleep better."
"Wonderful. Will do."
"You know what? You look good in red."
"I look good in everything."
"Be mischievous. It feels good."
"No argument there."
"Smile. People will wonder what you've been up to."
"Is that why I do it?"
"And my personal favorite: Sing along with the elevator music."
"Elevator music?"
"Yeah, you know, that horribly jaunty stuff they play in elevators…"
"Yes, but why would one want to sing along with it. It doesn't even have words."
"I don't know. I guess it makes you feel good."
"Trying to sing a song with no words makes you feel good?"
"Maybe."
"Ridiculous."
"They're supposed to be funny."
"Well, then, they fail miserably."
"Nah, you're just grumpy today."
"No, I'm not."
"Sure you are. You're upset that Chinese has over-taken your beloved English, and now you're too mad to experience the hilariousness of Dove chocolate."
"No, Buffy, it's just not funny."
"Ooh, wait, I forgot one. 'Do what feels right'."
"Hmm, hilarious."
"Should I?"
"Should you?"
"Should I do what feels right?"
"Mmm, I think you should."
"Should I find my spiritual pinnacle?"
"Yeah…in bed."
Hey, I heard this rumor that all the cool kids are sending me reviews. Come on, you know you want to. No one will find out. It'll be our little secret.
Kay, now I'm scaring myself. Please, review.