Disclaimer: All characters are borrowed from JE, the title is borrowed from Bon Jovi

Warning: Just language, no spoilers

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This chapter wouldn't be the same without Stayce's tireless efforts. Her nudges, her editing and her help made this possible. Thanks Babe.

Keep the Faith

Chapter 10

Bells started clanging in my head and I had to hold on to the door knob to keep my balance. My shoulder bag slipped from my fingers and landed on the floor with a soft 'thump'.

I'd never had that kind of reaction to seeing anyone before, probably it was the stress I'd been on the last few days that made me overreact.

"Wha…" I started, but my voice only came out as a hoarse croak. I cleared my throat and licked my lips. "What are you doing here?"

Of all the things I'd had on my mind when I was on my way to the bathroom, Ranger wasn't one of them for a change. Yet here he was, sitting on my bed with his long legs stretched out in front of him on the floor, his arms crossed over his chest, dressed in black from his skin-tight t-shirt to his combat boots.

His face didn't give any emotions away, he was looking at me calmly, but I had a feeling he wasn't missing anything.

"Waiting for you," he finally said, still not moving.

My heart rate was still struggling to return to normal. When I opened the door, I hadn't recognized Ranger. My eyes had seen him, but my brain had screamed 'INTRUDER' and clicked into panic mode. Only panic mode had been used a little too much lately, so it didn't contemplate flight or fight, only faint or stay conscious. Luckily I managed to stay conscious.

Now the 'safety mode' had come on and was slowly telling all my body parts to relax. Except my blood pressure. That was going into stroke range, and it had nothing to do with panic, it was outrage, it was anger. The momentary joy I felt at recognizing Ranger was replaced by the piercing pain of knowing he wanted nothing to do with me and the pain was replaced by anger that he had purposely scared me.

I narrowed my eyes at him and before I had a chance to rein it in, my tongue lashed out.

"Again, what are you doing here? You thought I hadn't been surprised enough lately? You thought it was time I had someone lurking in my bedroom, maybe that would add some excitement to my dull life? Maybe you thought it's been too quiet here lately?" My voice had been steadily rising and was now approaching screaming level. I was gripping the door knob until my knuckles stood out white.

I knew the reason for Ranger's presence was probably neither of those things, but I couldn't help it. My anger isn't known to always be reasonable. I couldn't deal with his leaving and showing up whenever he felt like it, scaring the shit out of me both ways.

I was angry at him for leaving me, and I was angry at him for just sneaking in and I was angry at him for just sitting there, all emotionless and watching.

But most of all, I was angry at myself because I still let him have so much power over me and for what I felt when I saw him.

Ranger didn't respond and I knew why. He thought this was a tantrum that would blow over, knowing fully well that it drove me up a wall when he waited silently for me to 'come down', as he called it.

If I continued, he'd eventually ask me if I was finished or something equally infuriating. Just thinking about that made me angrier.

Of course he thought he was acting out of experience. Once, either right before or during a fight, I'd called it my Italian temper and then he'd said that Italians had nothing on Cubans; did I see him kicking and screaming? Adult persons cannot have adult conversations above a certain decibel, he'd said, to which I'd shown him the finger and said something mature like 'adult this!' on my way out.

I think we had that argument a couple times, then he'd just kept quiet and waited. We never had serious fights anyway, I'm sure he called our arguments 'differences of opinion' or something.

But it drove me insane the way he wouldn't argue, the way he didn't respond, the way he didn't bang his fist against a wall to vent, the way he wasn't like anyone I knew, of either Italian or Cuban descent. He always kept his cool and that made me lose mine faster.

Well, this was different. He was not going to be the cool one while I lost it.

I had a lot to say, but I knew I'd start crying if I let it all out, and then I'd be mad at myself and wouldn't find the right words. And then he'd think that I was just upset, when really I was livid.

I was about to say 'fuck you' or something as eloquent, but in the end, I threw up my hands and grunted, then I turned around and slammed the door shut behind me. It felt good to throw something.

I marched back into the kitchen with my hands balled into fists and grabbed a beer to cool off. I still wanted to yell, but I wanted to be in control of what I said. And for that, I needed my hands to stop shaking.

Rex stopped running on his wheel and twitched his whiskers in my direction and Bob raised his head from his dog bed. "Some watch dogs you two are," I fumed. I hoped they knew I wasn't really angry at them, but I had no patience to explain it.

I heard the bedroom door open when I took my beer back to the living room and plopped down on the couch, finally taking my shoes off so I could fold my legs under me.

I had a few seconds to 'pull myself together', as my mom would have called it, to take a couple calming breaths and get my heart rate down.

Then he was in the doorway, leaning against the jamb.

I ignored him as best as I could and took a long pull from my beer, determined to let him speak first this time, and also trying to count to ten slowly to keep a lid on the explosion for now.

There was a lot I wanted to ask him, starting with how the hell he'd gotten into my apartment without Tank noticing, but it would have to wait.

Along with biting my tongue, I also had to keep that part of me that just wanted to throw my arms around him and kiss him under control. That annoying part that just wanted to kiss and make up and have the hottest make-up sex known to man.

First of all, I didn't know how he'd react to that, and my ego really wouldn't be able to deal with rejection.

A while ago, before we were actually together, Ranger had turned me down and it had hurt like hell. I didn't want to repeat that experience. It had been the right thing to do, the noble thing as they say, but that hadn't made the moment any less humiliating for me.

Second of all, that would make it too easy for him, show him my cards so to speak, and I wanted to keep my momentum. I'd walked away from him, he hated that. I hope he knew this was serious.

I knew my silence and faked indifference didn't fool him for a second. Ranger read people very well and he'd known me for far too long, I couldn't slip any emotion by him.

Also my blank face wasn't nearly as blank as his; I just wasn't good at hiding feelings. But right now, that was okay because all my face was probably showing was that I was pissed as all hell.

I was still staring straight ahead or down at the bottle in my hand, ignoring him, but out of the corner of my eye I could see he hadn't moved after crossing his arms over his chest again.

Bob had rushed in to greet him and Ranger had acknowledged him, but nothing since. Now Bob was sitting in front of the couch to my left making whimpering noises, clearly confused, not liking the vibes he got.

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep quiet, and that only fueled my anger because I knew Ranger knew I was waiting for him to speak first.

When he finally did, I flinched before I could stop myself, it was just too sudden and, after several minutes, totally unexpected.

"The important question is, what are you doing here?" His voice was calm and emotionless. And despite my resolution to ignore him, I looked up just as he was pushing himself off the doorjamb and walked over. He sat down in front of me on the coffee table and I pulled my knees closer so they wouldn't touch his legs.

I know he noticed because his eyes flicked to my legs before he looked directly into my eyes. The way he was sitting, it was impossible to avoid his eyes without doing something childish like squeezing my eyes shut.

"I mean it, Stephanie, why are you here, unprotected in your apartment, and not at RangeMan?"

'Stephanie'. Hearing him address me by my full name hurt me more than his emotionless voice or his hard face. 'Miss Plum' couldn't have hurt more.

"Tank is…" I started, but the look in his eyes made me stop. There was fury there I hadn't seen before.

"Outside?" He almost mocked. A man who actually showed emotions would have sneered. Ranger was above that. "Is he keeping you safe from outside? He didn't see me, he could have overlooked anyone else just as easily."

While I had to acknowledge he was right to some extent, he was also very wrong. He'd probably used some elaborate maneuver to outsmart Tank and the majority of my stalkers or psychos, or whatever, were a lot dumber than that.

"You weren't in the bedroom when he checked," I pointed out. I was trying to keep the emotion out of my voice like Ranger was, but already I could feel tears of frustration sting my eyes.

"And I wasn't on the fire escape when you were outside either," Ranger said. "Christ, Steph, a five-year-old could have snuck in while you two weren't looking!"

Now there was anger in his voice as well. Or maybe I just wanted to hear some emotion. Had he said 'you two' with a funny twist to his voice or was that my imagination?

Was he angry at me or at Tank? It didn't really matter because he had no right to be angry at either of us when he'd been the one to leave me in the first place and then almost give me a heart attack.

"Was it too cold in Boston? You sure change your plans often, must be hell on your travel expenses." I didn't know how I was able to meet his stare and I didn't really know how I'd been able to ignore his accusations and change the subject on him and make it sound like I didn't care. I really didn't know I had that in me.

Look out world; don't fuck with me when I'm angry. Or something.

Ranger's eyes widened marginally, the equivalent of a dropped jaw in a regular person. I'd surprised him. Well, good, he'd pissed me off.

"Damn it, Steph," he started, leaning forward, but I held up my hand in the universal 'stop' gesture and he pulled back.

"No Ranger," I said, my voice losing some of its calm. "You don't get to break into my apartment and lecture me anymore. You only get to let me live the life that you chose not to be a part of." I had to swallow hard to fight the tears back now. I really didn't want to cry.

Ranger reached out but I pulled back, and that made him jerk his hand back as if it had been burned.

For a split-second, I thought I saw pain flicker in his eyes and I didn't know if I was glad I'd gotten through or sorry I'd hurt him. It didn't matter, all that mattered was that he was listening.

It irritated me that he could just show up and blow my newly acquired independence out of the water.

Actually it was more that he just had to show up unexpectedly to strip me of all my defenses and expose the heart-broken girl that just wanted to be with him. I didn't stop to consider that it had only been a couple days, I was angry at myself for not getting over him.

And I really didn't even want to get over him, I wanted him back, but I wanted for him to realize he wanted me back first because I did not want him in the falling-to-my-knees-and-begging-him fashion and now I was frustrated in addition to being angry.

I hugged my knees and pulled them towards me, burying my head in the space between my knees and my chest, so I no longer looked at Ranger. My heart physically ached and I was shaking from the effort to hold back the sobs that I knew were coming.

I was taking deep breaths to calm down while I was trying to come up with the best course of action. Or rather the best course of action I could stick with instead of flip-flopping between wanting to hit him and wanting to kiss him.

I heard the rustle of clothes and knew Ranger was getting up. Was he going to gather me up in his arms, begging for my forgiveness? Yeah, because that was so Ranger. Not.

Then what? Was he leaving? Was this my last chance to ask him to stay, had I gone too far? Did I want him to stay? Shit, I was driving myself insane.

I held my breath until I heard the refrigerator door open in the kitchen and I realized I was relieved he hadn't left. He was just going for something to drink.

'OK, Stephanie', I thought. It was time to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. If I wanted Ranger, I had to show him. I didn't have to throw myself at him and tell him how much I loved him, but I had to stop bitching.

Wasn't that why I'd jumped at Lula's idea so readily? To show him what he was missing to make him wonder if he could bear missing it?

I hadn't had a chance to show Ranger the plan in action because he'd run away, but maybe this was a chance to set the stage for it. All I had to do was let my anger out, I didn't have to make up any feelings, they were all there.

I thought he getting a water or maybe a beer and then return to the living room. But he didn't come back. I waited five minutes, then ten, give or take, and he hadn't come back.

I sniffed and got up so fast, I almost jumped. No, this time, he didn't get to stay away until I had 'come down', I decided. Bob looked at me curiously from his place on the couch, but probably decided it was safer to stay behind. I straightened my shoulders and took a few deep breaths.

This time, Ranger was going to hear it all because I'd already crossed the point where I cared what I said. I just wanted to let it all out now, fuck planning my words. And it was just him and me, no one to interrupt us or hold me back.

"Just out of curiosity," I said as soon as I stepped into the kitchen where Ranger was leaning against the counter, holding a bottle of water and watching Rex run on his wheel. "What was it you came to tell me? What were you doing here in the first place? And why did you hide?" I no longer tried to keep my voice neutral, I was pissed and I didn't want there to be any doubt in his mind as to how angry I was. But I didn't raise my voice; it had come out even and under control. And I had my fists on my hips for good measure.

Ranger looked at me and I met his eyes, they weren't giving away his thoughts while I was sure he could read all of mine. As angry as I was, as confused as I was, at that moment, my only thought was how handsome he was and how I longed to touch him. Damned hormones.

I leaned against the counter so I was directly in front of him, separated only by a few feet. I crossed my arms over my chest and willed myself to wait for his answer.

"I asked Tank to make arrangements for you to stay at RangeMan," he said, his voice calm and even. He took a sip of his water and looked at me, expecting me to answer. I shrugged. As far as I was concerned, he hadn't answered my question, why should I answer his? Nana, nana…

Ranger put the water bottle on the counter and closed the distance between us in two strides. He stood close to me, very close, but he didn't touch me. He waited for me to lift my eyes and meet his gaze and I was unable to look away.

"Babe," he said so softly it was almost a whisper and touched the back of my hand with his fingertips.
His touch sent sparks of electricity through my skin that traveled up my arm and tingled in my chest and I gripped my arm tighter. My mouth was suddenly dry and the temperature seemed to have risen about 20 degrees.

I swallowed and shook my head once to clear it, I was still unable to look away, his eyes were mesmerizing.

I felt my intention to vent my anger melt away, Ranger was standing so close I felt like I was in his 'force field', I could feel his energy. Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't have backed away; I was trapped between Ranger and the counter.

"You came back early," I said, as if that was of any consequence. I just couldn't bare the silence between us and I didn't allow myself to throw my arms around him to kiss and make up. And he didn't want to make up, he wanted us broken up, I reminded myself.

I wondered if he was trying to intimidate me, but for what purpose? Okay, so now I was confused again as well as angry as well as…hurt.

"I came back because I needed to know you were safe," he said. What he said sounded like he cared for me but how he said it didn't give any feelings away. His voice was neutral, he might have commented on the weather.

"I'm safe here," I said, biting back a snippy 'what do you care?', knowing he'd sort of proven me wrong just by showing up. "I'm armed," I added for good measure.

Ranger's raised an eyebrow and let his gaze travel down my body and felt a heat that had nothing to do with the room temperature.

"I was just about to get my gun and my cell phone out of my bag when I saw you." Well, okay, so I was going to get my cell phone to call Lula, but it was a small fib. I used the time Ranger's eyes weren't boring into mine to lower my eyes, I was now staring straight at his chest.

He took a step back. He was still close enough so I could have easily reached out and touched him, but I couldn't feel his body heat anymore.

"I saw you come home," he said and jerked his head in the direction of my bedroom. "So I went out to the fire escape and up a level. When I knew the inspection was over, I went back into your bedroom."

I'd thought he outsmarted Tank in some clever way, but what he had done sounded simple enough.

So I asked the simple question. "Why?"

Ranger lifted his eyebrows. "Why?" He repeated, sounding incredulous.

"Yes, why? Why didn't you come out of the bedroom when we came in to make your point? You knew you were gonna scare the shit out of me if you kept quiet, is that it? Did you enjoy that?"

Ranger's eyes narrowed. "I knew it was a long shot when I asked Tank to offer you RangeMan protection. I showed up to prove to you…"

I held up my hand to stop him and pushed forward a little to get away. I couldn't hear the speech again. "Save it."

I got as far as Ranger's shoulder, then he took a step to the side and put his hands on either side of me on the counter. Now I was really trapped.

And when I'm trapped while I'm angry, hurt, frustrated or, as in this case, all of the above, I can't be held responsible for what I do or say. Really, I look back later and usually shake my head in disbelief. And this was no exception.

I pushed Ranger as hard as I could, planting the palms of my hands on his broad chest. Probably he hadn't expected that, because he actually fell back a step so his hands came off the counter and I tried to squeeze past him.

But he recovered fast and held me by the elbow. "No, Steph, no running away. We're doing this now." He didn't sound angry or hurt, and the lack of emotion in his voice was irritating.

"What do you care, Ranger?" I asked when I turned around, able to keep my voice down for the time being. I glared at his hand on my elbow although his grip wasn't strong and he released me. "You gave up the right to tell me what to do when you broke up with me." I was amazed at the icy quality of my voice as I repeated what I'd told Tank earlier. I knew I was trying to hurt him, and I was unable to stop myself.

"I never tried to tell you what to do," Ranger said, his voice still even, but no longer neutral. It sounded…wounded almost. I looked up and this time, I was sure I saw pain in his eyes.

"So you tell Tank to tell me what to do," I said, my voice lowering the room temperature. "Same difference. Either you care or you don't, Ranger, you don't get to care when it's convenient for you!"

I knew my face was probably beet-red from the anger and the effort to keep my voice down, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that I hadn't lost it. No yelling, no tears.

I started to turn and leave but I thought better of it. He was right, we had to finish this. Now.

I met his eyes and was startled for a moment because the blank face was gone. He was frowning and I couldn't name the emotions that I saw, but they were definitely there.

"I don't choose. I always care, I never stopped and you know that," he said, raising his hand, but stopping short of touching me. He just let it drop to his side. "You know I love you."

That wasn't fair, and he knew it. He had to. How long had I waited for him to say those three little words without a disclaimer? And now they brought tears to my eyes again. I swallowed hard to bite them back.

"This was never about caring," he said softly, and now he took my hand. "It's because I love you that I have to stay away," he said and took a deep breath. "I can't be with you because I could be hurting you just like them," he waved in the general direction of the parking lot. "But the bottom line is your safety is my priority."

I blinked away the stupid tears and when I met his eyes, I could tell he was struggling to put his blank face on again and that his breathing was uneven.

"You are my priority," he said, stepping closer again and cupping my face in his hand. "I love you."

"Then stay," I whispered, my anger fading, but the need to hold him growing.

"That's the only thing I can't do," Ranger said, brushing his lips over mine, "But I won't leave Trenton again. I tried the physical distance and I ended up wondering if you were in trouble all the time."

I finally took that deep breath and found my inner bitch that was appalled at how easily I'd given up and almost begged him. All he had had to do was say 'I love you'. But I was determined not to let him take that route out. Not this time.

"No," I said and took a step back so I wouldn't be tempted to hold on to him. "You are wrong. I'm not your priority, you are."

Ranger raised his eyebrows. "Babe, I…"

I raised my hand and slapped him as hard as I could. It was an instinct, I was trying to show him what my words couldn't make him understand. I could practically hear my mom screaming 'Stephanie!' in outrage and I didn't care.

Ranger's head jerked to the side and he took a step back to keep his balance, but in an instant, his eyes found mine again.

"Did that hurt less because I love you?" I asked, sick of arguing, sick of talking even. It was time for action. I was proud of the fact that I still wasn't yelling. "You are hurting me Ranger. You're hurting me more than any of them could ever do." I mimicked Ranger's earlier wave in the direction of the outside world. "Just because you can."

I took another step away from him to ready myself for the final blow. "You do what you think is best for you. Don't pretend to be the martyr here, you're taking the easy way out and you know it!" I spat that last bit as my voice was beginning to break and pointed stiff armed at the door.

"Get out of my house!"

As long as I'd known Ranger, I'd never thrown him out of my apartment. It broke my heart to do it now. My finger was still pointing, but now it started to shake as well. And Ranger never broke the eye contact.

On the left side of his face, my handprint stood out in an angry red and I mentally cringed when I saw what I'd done. I knew it hurt. I knew because the hand that had slapped him burned like a motherfucker.

But now Ranger had pushed back all emotions and was wearing his blank face again, his eyes fixed on me coolly.

He didn't say another word. He just slowly turned and walked out. I didn't know if he took the door to avoid Tank or the fire escape, and who cared. All I knew was that he was gone. And I had made him gone. For good.

Now that he was gone, I finally let go. I crumbled to the floor and sobbed. I was crying because I hadn't told him I loved him and because I hadn't told him that I hadn't meant to be mean, that it was frustration and not anger. And I cried because I was sure I had fucked it up but good, all the king's horses and all the king's men wouldn't put Ranger and Stephanie back together again. But most of all, I cried because I couldn't stop.

Five minutes or five hours later, I don't know which, I heard heavy footsteps and looked up because I thought Ranger had come back. I was still on the floor, hugging myself and rocking back and forth, but my tears had thankfully dried up.

Black combat boots came into my field of vision and relief washed over me until I heard Tank's voice.

"Christ, Steph, are you okay?" He crouched down but instead of pulling me to my feet, he just lifted my torso to hug me and held me.

I felt I had to explain because I didn't want Tank to think I'd had a heart attack on the kitchen floor. "R…Ra...Ranger was here," I hiccupped.

Now Tank sat down with his back to the rest of the apartment and pulled me into his lap. "I know," he said. "Saw him on his way out and got my ass chewed."

He pulled a crisp white handkerchief out of his pocket. In a million years, I wouldn't have thought Tank carried linen handkerchiefs, or any for that matter, and in any other situation I would have laughed out loud, but now I just took it gratefully and blew my nose.

I took a few deep breaths to make sure I wouldn't start crying again and that's when I realized I was sitting in Tank's lap and his right arm was supporting my back. I figured he had just acted instinctively; he was so much more caring and loving than I'd ever given him credit for. A week ago, it would have felt pretty awkward to be so close to Tank, but now it seemed natural.

"Thank you," I said and managed a watery smile. "I must look pretty pathetic, huh? Now you come even when I don't need rescuing…"

He smiled and lowered his head so that his face was only a couple inches from mine. "I changed my mind," he said and touched his index finger to the tip of my nose. "Figured too many things could happen to you when I was all those miles away in the parking lot."

My own smile widened at the sight of Tank's, it was so contagious. "I guess Ranger outsmarted us, huh?"

Tank shrugged, or did his version of shrugging rather, his left shoulder lifted an eighth of an inch. I put my hand on the back of his neck to steady myself.

"I mean it though. Thank you," I said, hoping he'd understand I was thanking him for being there for me as well as for everything he was doing for me. His smile told me he did. I found it impossible not to feel safe so close to Tank, it felt like I had a bear to protect me. Next to him, I must have looked like a child in her daddy's lap, he had to lower his head to be face to face with me.

"You're welcome."

I was amazed to find over the last few days, Tank had become one of my best friends, rather than Lula's boyfriend or Ranger's second-in-command or my colleague. For a long moment, I just looked at Tank and was grateful.

There was some noise coming from the living room and I thought Bob would join us any second now until I heard a sharp intake of breath and Tank's head snapped around.

When he dropped his hand from my back I knew who he was looking at before I craned my neck to see over his shoulder.

Ranger was standing in the kitchen archway, and this time, his face was not just blank, it was made of stone. One of his jaw muscles tensed, it was the only movement on his face. He never blinked.

Desperate to say something, anything, as long as it was not 'this is not what it looks like', I put my hands on Tank's shoulders to push myself up and realized way too late what an intimate gesture it must have looked like. Later, when I tried to imagine Ranger's point of view, I also realized that he might have thought he'd walked in on us kissing, the way Tank sat on the floor and his head was bent.

"Ranger, I…" I didn't even know what I wanted to say, but I never got the chance since Ranger turned and walked away without even looking at me. I flinched when the front door slammed shut a few seconds later.

"Fuck."

TBC

A/N: So now Steph got what she wanted, right? The question is, will it have the desired effect or backfire on her? What do YOU think?