Later that same afternoon, I get ready for one of my therapy chats with Dr. Aurelius. He usually starts off each session with the same question. "So, Katniss, are you ready to talk about your relationship with your Mother?"
"One of these days you're going to ask that and I'm going to slam the phone on the counter until your eardrum ruptures." This is my standard response to his question and is usually followed by him reminding me therapy is part of my agreement to avoid going to jail and slamming the phone could be construed as an act of aggression, which would further jeopardize my 'freedom'. Honestly, by now it's almost become a game as he knows that topic is off-limits but he keeps putting it out there in the hopes he'll get a different answer.
Naturally, I'm thrown off when his first question is not about my Mother, but about Peeta. "So, Katniss, I hear from Peeta that the two of you have been spending a lot more time together over the last few weeks. Can you tell me a little about that?"
As is always the case when I'm thrown off-balance, my first reaction is anger and I snap at him. "What the hell business is it of yours?"
I hear him sigh deeply and can almost picture him shaking his head. "I want you to try something for me, Katniss. Whatever your gut reaction is to a situation or to a question, I want you to take a deep breath and count to ten. Then, do the opposite of that reaction. I think you'll find that things are not always as cut and dry as you first think they are and that no one is out to harm you or make you do anything uncomfortable."
He pauses to collect his thoughts before continuing. "To answer your question, you know perfectly well why it's my business to know what's going on with my patients. Most importantly I need to be aware of any changes to daily routines or upheavals that can cause a back-slide or bring on new symptoms. Look, I'm not asking you to divulge your intimate personal interactions, though that could be helpful as well; I'm merely asking you to tell me how the two of you have been spending your time. Have any issues popped up? Have any been resolved? You may as well know that Peeta has told me everything, in great detail, already. I would just like to know your view of things."
I was stuck on the words 'personal intimate interactions' so it took a moment for the rest of his words to register in my brain.
"Peeta told you everything?" I squeaked, my voice laced with disbelief. "And what do you mean by 'personal intimate interactions'? Nothing like that has happened!" I can feel myself blushing even though I know full well he can't see me.
"Deep breath, Katniss. Don't forget to take a deep breath and count to ten. Now, I'm not saying anything did. Intimate doesn't necessarily mean sexual. It can also mean private moments shared by the two of you that bring you closer to one another. Peeta has mentioned a few situations of this type and I'd like to see how your view of them compares with his." It will never cease to amaze me how this man can make me feel like such an idiot without even trying. Of course, he didn't mean anything sexual; I just assume he knows the thoughts I've been having about Peeta and jump to conclusions like always.
I clear my throat a few times before answering. "Oh, well. I guess if that's what you mean then yeah, there's been quite a few times where I've felt like we've been getting closer. At least more than when he first came back and couldn't be in the same room as me." I'm still uncomfortable talking about these sorts of things, but if Peeta's already told him, all I'm really doing is confirming what he already knows.
I proceed to tell Dr. Aurelius everything that's happened since Peeta came back. I tell him about how he planted the primrose bushes and how he'd started leaving bread for me and now bakes for the entire District; I also tell him about Peeta's angry reactions to the squirrels I brought him and to my kissing him to help bring him back from an episode. He knew about the journal and recipe book, but I told him how much Peeta has improved since he's been reading them but he's still afraid, or unwilling, to go into Town. I tell him all about the winemaking and the various things that have happened – the episode caused by the bee sting, how he's started drawing again, how much more alive and engaged he's been since we started. I even manage to softly tell him about those other moments – the hesitant touches, the heated kisses, the almost kisses, the singing and falling asleep with the phones still connected so I can pretend he's next to me. I go on and on for what feels like hours and Dr. Aurelius let's me talk without interrupting. I talk more in this session than all of those in the last month combined.
Finally, I run out of things to say and lapse into silence, waiting for what the good Doctor has to say. I can almost hear him collecting his thoughts before he speaks.
After a few seconds, I hear him clear his throat. "I must say, Katniss, if I knew that talking about Peeta would get you to open up so much, I'd have asked you a lot sooner." This comment just earns a snort from me.
"That was a very thorough account and pretty much coincides with what Peeta has told me. The only problem is that while you've told me in great detail what's happened, you haven't told me how you feel about what's going on between you two. Are you happy that he's made so much progress and that he's letting you in? Do the recent episodes cause you alarm or concern?" I can just picture him leaning back in his chair, his fingertips steepled and his brow raised questioningly.
"Of course I'm happy he's getting better," I respond immediately. "Why wouldn't I be? Peeta didn't deserve any of the horrible things done to him. If I can help him get back to his old self, then it's the least I can do for everything he's suffered on my account."
"Katniss, we've been over this." The frustration in his voice is evident as he tries to remind me for the hundredth time that all of this is not my fault. "You cannot blame yourself for everything that happened as a result of you volunteering for your sister. That was merely the spark that set off a chain of events that led to a war that was already brewing. Yes, you've had to do horrible things as a result of your actions, but it you didn't choose to do them. You were forced to do what was necessary to protect the ones you loved and I have no doubt that you wouldn't have done anything differently if you'd known then what the end result would be."
"I know that," I whisper, "but I can't help feeling like I should have known better. That I should have tried harder to convince Snow or prevent the rebellion or to at least make sure people were better protected."
"How do you think this feeling of blame affects your relationship now with Peeta? Do you feel obligated to help him recover as a sort of penance for what you perceive as wrongs done to him in the past? Do you feel that you owe him your affection because of what Snow did to him and to his family?" He asks.
I have to pause here because these are the same questions I've been asking myself for a while now. "Maybe at first, but I don't feel that way any longer. I know it's selfish, but I want to help him because I can't heal without him. My life is worth nothing if Peeta's not a part of it."
I hear him let out a breath before he replies, "I cannot tell you exactly what Peeta has told me due to Doctor/Patient confidentiality, but I will tell you that he does not in any way blame you for what happened to him or to his family, regardless of what he may say during a flashback or episode. He is aware that you were both just pieces in a much larger game." His words bring tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. I hope he doesn't expect me to comment because I don't think I could form words right now.
"Peeta has told me, Katniss, that any progress he's made has been a direct result of your friendship. Also, in my professional opinion, I think you've both benefited greatly from spending this time together. In fact, I encourage you to find more ways to do this. You say he won't go into town, but what about the woods? Going out there may bring back memories of your first arena, which could trigger an episode, or being in the woods could help him to clarify what really happened in your first Games, versus what was manipulated by the Capitol. Encourage him to meet new people, to work back up to painting instead of drawing, anything that will get him out of the house and out of his own head. Eventually, you can work him up to going to town." He pauses and I can hear the shuffling of pages as he goes through his notes. His voice has taken on a grave quality when he speaks next.
"There is one other item I'd like you to consider that is of great importance. Peeta needs to see the remains of the bakery in order to have closure over the death of his family. I will tell you that he is in no way ready for this step yet, but I think you should keep it in the back of your mind as something to work up to eventually. He will never fully process his grief until he sees that it is truly gone."
These words send a chill down my spine and even though I know he's right, it's not something I look forward to doing. "I'll do what I can."
"Speaking of closure," he continues, "I'm going to send you some information I found that you might find useful in handling your own grief. Not that you're handling it badly, I just think you'd also benefit from some closure. I've found a...unique way of saying good bye to those who were taken from you so quickly." Immediately my mind conjures images of the people he's referring to: Cinna being beaten and dragged away by the Peacekeepers, seeing Finnick's head pulled back and the Mutt ready to bite as I threw the Holo into the manhole, Prim being engulfed by flames, my Father disappearing in a black cloud of dust and smoke. The tears from earlier make a reappearance and this time I can't stop them from falling.
"What did you have in mind?" I ask him through the tears.
"It'll be easier to understand if you see what I'm talking about, rather than trying to explain over the phone. There will be a large package for you on the next supply train that will have all the information and supplies. Just call me when it comes and I'll go over everything with you." He answers cryptically.
"Sure, Doc. I'll call you once I get the package." I'm still sniffling, trying to hide the tears.
"Katniss, I think you've made a tremendous amount of progress. Don't be afraid to give in and cry if that's what your body needs you to do. Crying is not a sign of weakness; it's a way for your mind and body to release negative energy and it is also a big part of the grieving process. Keeping it all bottled up will only hurt you in the end." I can only sniff in response, my throat tight with tears.
"Keep being a good friend to Peeta. You two are helping each other more than you realize. Soon you won't even need me anymore!"
This thought makes me laugh, which is what I think he was going for, and I finally find my voice. "Thanks, Doc. I'll talk to you next week, ok?"
"Certainly! And maybe next time you'll finally be ready to discuss your mo-"I don't even let him finish the sentence before I hang up the phone. I know he won't be offended; it's not the first time I've hung up on him like that.
It's only after I try to stand up from the chair that I'd been sitting in while talking to him that I realize how much time has passed. Both of my feet have fallen asleep from having them curled up underneath me and all of my muscles are protesting being extended from their previously cramped positions. I have the beginnings of a major headache throbbing behind my eyes and I feel exhausted from running the gamut of emotions during the phone call.
I decide to call it a day and take myself upstairs to bed. I can't handle being around anyone right now, especially Peeta. Everything Dr. Aurelius said is running around my brain in confused circles and I just need to sleep on it before figuring out what to do next.
dwdwdwdwdw
The next morning, I wake feeling even more exhausted than when I'd collapsed into bed last night. My conversation with Dr. Aurelius kept replaying over and over again in my mind, keeping me from getting more than a few hours of troubled sleep.
I scrub my hand over my face and feel that my eyes are puffy and my lashes are glued together by my dried tears. My throat feels raw and scratchy from screaming and my jaw hurts from me clenching my teeth when the nightmares struck. Basically, I look and feel like death, and want nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed all day.
Of course, the moment I settle myself under the blanket again, I hear a loud knock on my front door. I consider ignoring whomever it might be in the hope that they'd go away, but I know that would only lead to someone -most likely Haymitch - forcing their way in to make sure I was still alive, and that would defeat the purpose of staying in bed to begin with. The knock comes again, more insistent this time, as I roll out of bed and pull open my bedroom door.
"I'M COMING." I shout as I stomp loudly down the stairs, just to let whoever it is know that I'm displeased with the early morning wake-up call.
"Katniss? Are you in there?" I hear Peeta's concerned shout through the door before he knocks again and jiggles the handle. Apparently I'd locked it last night before heading upstairs to bed.
"The door is locked. Is everything alright? Katniss!" He sounds almost frantic so I jump down the few remaining stairs and run to the door, whipping it open as he's about to knock again. His eyes widen in shock when he takes in my ragged appearance.
"What?" I barely get the word out before he's crushing me to him in a bear hug, knocking the wind out of my lungs. His arms are wrapped tightly around my torso and he's rubbing his cheek against the top of my head, but I'm not sure if he's trying to comfort me or himself.
"The door was locked and you never lock your door so I thought something had happened and didn't know what to do so I banged on the door." He sounds like he's trying to apologize for being worried about me. It's so much like what the pre-hijacking Peeta would do that I almost laugh.
Instead, I push away slightly so I can breathe and look up into his impossibly blue eyes. "I was exhausted after a long call with Dr. Aurelius and went to bed early last night. I guess I locked the door without realizing. I'm sorry I worried you, Peeta."
His fingertips have begun lightly brushing up and down my ribcage, causing my thoughts to scatter as shots of desire course through me as he comes closer and closer to the underside of my breast. I feel my nipples harden against the thin fabric of my tank top and that's when it sinks in that all I'm wearing is that and cotton panties.
I can tell the exact moment when Peeta realizes it as well. His eyes widen and his pupils darken as he lets his fingers trail lower down my side to linger on the bare skin of my hip. My mouth drops open and my pulse quickens at the sensations radiating out from where his fingers burn against my skin. He begins to softly stroke them back and forth along the edge of my panties, the tips sliding just under as he traces the curve of my backside with his knuckles. The blood begins to pound in my ears as every nerve ending in my body comes alive and I feel a rush of wetness spread between my legs.
I am powerless to stop my hands from sliding up his arms to settle around his neck and my fingers immediately dig themselves into his thick curls. Peeta sighs and leans towards me as I gently scrape his scalp with my nails. This time, I don't wonder if he's going to kiss me because I want, no, NEED to kiss him right now or I may explode. Slowly, I rise up on my toes, trying to get as close as possible to those lips that have taunted me for so long. As I press myself against him, I can feel his arousal, hard against my belly, causing another wave of desire to wash over me. The hand that had been slowly torturing me now palms and squeezes my ass and I swear I nearly come as his lips softly brush mine. I'm seriously considering climbing him like a tree when I hear a bored voice from the porch.
"You're gonna wash that hand before cooking me breakfast, right boy?" Peeta and I freeze and glance out the door to the porch where Haymitch is leaning against the railing. "I didn't realize the dress code had gotten so casual around here, Sweetheart."
"What. The. FUCK, HAYMITCH! Why are you always sneaking up on people?!" I practically growl at him with frustration.
"I didn't sneak anywhere, girlie. In fact, I called out to you as I walked up the path but you and the boy were….otherwise occupied and didn't hear me. Not my fault you weren't listening. Next time, close the door if you want privacy." He stands there, not looking one bit sorry to have interrupted. In fact, if anything, he looks smug, as if he'd just been proven right about something.
"Tell ya what. I'll close my eyes and count to 30. That should give you both time to recover, get dressed or whatever it is you need to do." He doesn't wait for an answer before doing just that.
'I truly am going to kill him one of these days.' I think to myself as I reluctantly let go and turn to head back upstairs.
"I'll go…um…wash…uh, yeah." Peeta's blushing fiercely as he walks past me towards the kitchen.
I turn to run up the stairs and can hear Haymitch's laughter float up behind me as I slam my bedroom door and flop onto my bed. Burying my face in the pillow, I let out a scream of frustration that's been building inside me for what seems like weeks now.
I swear it feels like the world is conspiring against us. Every time we're close to taking that next step, something interrupts us and the moment passes. Maybe this is a sign that we're not meant to have anything more than friendship? I push this thought away immediately and refuse to even acknowledge the possibility. There's mutual attraction there; that's been obvious for some time now. The real concern is that I don't know if that's all there is – a superficial sexual desire with no emotional connection. Suddenly the dream I'd had about Finnick comes back to me, along with what he'd said about the difference between sex and making love. If Peeta and I were to give in to our desires, which would it be? Which do I want it to be?
No one knows me and what I'm going through better than Peeta. No one else can calm my raging inner turmoil the way that Peeta can with just a look or a touch. There are very few people left in this world that I would gladly give my life for, but Peeta is at the top of that list. He gives me a reason to keep going, even when all I want to do is shut down and crawl back into the darkness. After all this time, after the reaping and the games, after the war, the hijacking and other torture, he's still my dandelion in the spring.
With a huff, I toss the pillow aside and drag myself into the bathroom for a shower. Not only am I still a mess from all the crying last night, but my panties are soaked and becoming uncomfortable. I strip down while I wait for the hot water to fill the room with steam. Once that happens, I step under the stream of water and begin to wash, letting my mind wander, as it so often does these days, back to Peeta.
This line of thought does nothing to ease my frustration, so I turn off the hot water with more force than necessary, and let the cold rain down on me. I can only stand it for a few moments, but it does the trick as I quickly finish up and get ready for the day.
dwdwdwdwdw
After an interminably long and uncomfortable breakfast, filled with not so subtle innuendos, Haymitch finally gets ready to go back home and annoy his geese for the rest of the day.
"Now, you kids make sure that table is sanitized again before dinner tonight." He tosses this back to us as he walks down the hall to the front door.
I grab a butter knife off the table with the intent of causing Haymitch grievous bodily harm but before I can take a step, Peeta gently grabs my free hand and holds on, preventing me from following our former mentor. While I seethe with anger, Peeta goes back to clearing the table.
As he does, I think back to yesterday's conversation with Dr. Aurelius about getting Peeta out of his house more. I know going to town is out of the question right now, but I wonder how he'd feel about the woods. Jacob and I were just going to gather today, not hunt, so this would be the perfect opportunity to bring Peeta along without having to worry about him scaring off all of the game.
My mind made up, I join him at the sink where he's washing the dishes. "So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?"
His hands still under the warm water and he turns his head to look at me. "Why?"
"Well, last time we were out in the woods, Jacob and I found a patch of blackberries that were close to being ripe. I was thinking maybe you'd like to come out with us today and if they're ready, we can pick some for you to use." I purposely don't look at him while I'm talking, trying to keep it casual. "It's going to be a nice day and we're not going to hunt today, just forage for berries, plants and maybe check the snare line. What do you think?"
Even though I'm not looking at him, I can feel he's still looking at me. He doesn't answer for what seems like an eternity.
"Do you really think that's a good idea?" The uncertainty in his voice almost breaks my heart and I finally look up at him. I can see worry etched around his eyes and mouth, as if he's concerned something could happen in the woods, but I also see something else. Something that gives me hope that Dr. Aurelius could be right. There's a hint of joy in his eyes, as if he's excited by the prospect of fresh blackberries, but he's hesitant as if it's almost too good to be true.
I give him my biggest smile. "Yes, Jacob and I would love the extra company."
"Are you sure? What if….you know…." The uncertainty is back, making him frown with disappointment.
"Peeta, I am sure." I turn fully to him and take his hands. "Jacob and I will be there if anything happens to make sure you're ok."
"But what about you?" he whispers harshly, "Will he be able to protect you? From…me?"
"That is not even an issue, Peeta." I tell him confidently. "Nothing is going to happen."
We hold each other's gaze for a few tense moments before I see his posture relax and his face soften into a look of bliss. "Ok, then. Yes, I'll come with you guys."
dwdwdwdwdw
A short while later, Peeta and I are off to meet Jacob at the meadow before heading into the woods. As each step brings us closer and closer to the meadow, though, I begin to wonder if bringing him here is such a good idea. The last time he came this way there was a giant gaping hole in the middle, waiting to be filled with those who had perished in the bombing. Granted it has since been filled in and reclaimed by nature, but he must know, or at least suspect, what's hidden under the soft green grass and bright flowers.
We come around a small bend to see the meadow open up before us in its early spring splendor. Birds of all description chase one another in the trees while colorful butterflies and fat bumblebees flit lazily amongst the flowers. The scene would be idyllic if it weren't for the way my stomach knots in anticipation of Peeta's reaction. Jacob is waiting at our usual spot and if he's surprised to see Peeta, his face doesn't show it.
Peeta's steps start to falter and slow down as we approach the edge of the meadow and I notice his back tense as his hands curl into fists at his sides. He stops where the edge of the path gives way to soft green grass and looks around. Jacob and I flank him closely, keeping our eyes out for any signs of this going bad.
"Is…is this" He clears his throat. "Are they…?" Peeta struggles to get the words out as he gazes across the stretch of land.
I look at Jacob, who nods and places his hand on Peeta's shoulder. "Yes, Peeta. The people who didn't survive the bombing are buried here." He speaks softly, giving Peeta's shoulder a gentle squeeze.
Peeta nods in understanding before turning his head towards Jacob. "My family?" His voice breaks and it's all I can to do to keep from reaching out to him. Some instinct tells me to let Jacob handle this; that I'd just make it worse somehow.
Jacob shrugs his shoulders slightly. "I don't know. That all happened before we came here, but I would imagine if they were found, they were brought here. I can ask in Town, if you would like to know for certain."
Peeta doesn't answer, just shakes his head. I share another worried glance with Jacob, who moves to stand closer to the younger man.
"I'm not going to lie and tell you it gets easier, because it doesn't. I lost my own parents when Thirteen was ravaged by the pox. It happened quickly and even though I was fortunate enough to be able to say good-bye, it still hurts. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them and I miss them terribly. What makes it bearable, though, is Lenore. Her love has shown me that it's ok to live; that my parents wouldn't want me to spend the rest of my life grieving the loss of theirs. Plus, I have a new family now, one that includes not only Lenore but you, Katniss, Sae…hell even Haymitch. Family isn't just the people you're related to; it's also the people who love you unconditionally and who you love unconditionally back."
Silence fills the air as Peeta and I both take in Jacob's words. I know he said them for Peeta, but I can't help but feel them resonate with me as well. This ragtag group of Victors, returnees and transplants has become my family, just as much as Prim or my parents ever were.
I know there's a lesson in all of this, but right now I'm more concerned about Peeta's reaction. He'd been staring intently at Jacob as he spoke and I can tell he's emotional from the way his shoulders rise and fall quickly as he fights to keep from sobbing. He turns back to the meadow and I can see the tracks of tears on his cheeks glisten in the sunlight. After a moment of contemplation, Peeta lifts his left hand to his lips, kisses the three raised fingers and lifts his hand to say goodbye. Jacob and I join him then the three of us turn and silently walk to the gate, finally entering the woods.
dwdwdwdwdw
Later, after gorging ourselves on delectable blackberry tarts made from the bounty we brought back from the woods, and some strawberry wine Lenore brought over, everyone stumbles off into the dark night, leaving Peeta and I alone in my kitchen. A weird silence settles over us as we attempt to clean up from the evening's meal. After several dropped utensils and a tense moment where his prosthetic almost gives out, it's clear neither of us is in any shape to be doing anything constructive and manage to find our way to the living room where we plop onto opposite ends of the couch.
Having been drunk once before, thanks to Haymitch, I knew to what to expect – the sensation of spinning even though I'm not moving, feeling as though my body is numb or disconnected from my brain, and the fits of giggles for no reason. A small part of my brain stressed the importance of keeping my mouth shut and my hands to myself but I had a feeling that advice would go unheard.
I glance over to where Peeta is sitting, or attempting to sit as he keeps leaning to the side as if he's going to fall over any second, and notice he has the same goofy smile on his face that's most likely on mine. Despite the headache I'm sure we'll have in the morning, I'm glad he has a chance to just let everything go and enjoy himself for once.
Gravity finally succeeds in pulling him over and he's on his back with his head almost in my lap. It takes every ounce of willpower I can find not to reach out and run my fingers through his messy curls. He closes his eyes and starts to hum softly. It takes a moment for my muddled brain to catch up, but slowly I realize he's humming the lullaby I've sung for him so many times. For some reason, this amuses me and I start to giggle, laughing until I'm doubled over with tears coming out of my eyes. When the fit finally subsides, Peeta is still lying on the couch, but now he's frowning, which makes me laugh even harder.
"Hey! 'M not that bad!" His words come out slightly slurred and his gaze is unfocused as he attempts to jab his finger in my face.
"You're not that good, either." I throw this back at him as I swat his hand away and then both of us start laughing.
Once we've calmed down a bit, Peeta turns and pushes himself upright and settles himself in the corner of the couch. He runs his hand over his face and through his hair, causing it to stick up in all directions, then leans in towards me.
"I have a secret, but you can't tell anyone," he whispers, loudly. I find myself incapable of speech at the moment and just raise my eyebrows.
"You're not t'only one with a schpecial dream plash, Katnisssssh." The end of my name drags out between his wine-numbed lips. I decide it's a sound I like and want to hear him make again sometime. "When I feel a flashback comin', I pull up dis image in my mind and concentrate on that til the feeling pashes. I think ish a mem'ry but mm not shhurrr 'cause ish not shiny." He's smiling that goofy smile again, making him look more like the boy who loved me once. I have a feeling that look will have a starring role in my dreams tonight.
"What's the image?" I ask him, but he shakes his head quickly, which makes him dizzy and he falls back on the couch and closes his eyes.
"Uh-uh, not tellin'." He shakes his head. "Jus' in case ish not real, 'cause that'd break my heart."
A few minutes pass before I work up the courage to tell him my own secret. "I guess since we're confessing things, I should tell you that when I sing to you over the phone, I don't hang up once you've fallen asleep. I leave the phone on my pillow and pretend you're with me, just like on the train." I don't look at him, afraid I'll see disgust or anger on his face.
When he doesn't say anything, I look over and find that he's fallen asleep, his chest rising and falling as he snores softly. Sighing, I grab the blanket from the back of the couch and drape it over him as he settles further into the couch. I struggle with what to do next and ultimately give in to my desire for a decent night's sleep for once and settle myself into the opposite corner, pulling the end of the blanket over myself as well. 'It's just sleeping,' I tell myself before I succumb to the wine, 'What could possibly be the harm?"
dwdwdwdwdw
A Mutt with Rue's eyes is about to tear my throat open when I'm suddenly jerked awake. I have no idea what woke me, but I'm grateful to have been yanked from that particular nightmare. I decide I need to go get a drink of water from the kitchen but realize two things almost simultaneously – first that I'm in my bed wearing nothing but a tank top and panties and second that something warm and hard is pressed up against me.
With my heart pounding in my throat, I peer over my shoulder to find Peeta, in just his undershorts, cocooned around me with his arm draped over my waist. I trudge through my still-wine muddled brain but can't remember when we came upstairs or even taking off my clothes. He must have woken at some point and brought us both up here to be comfortable. Regardless of the reason, I can't think of a better way to sleep. A whisper in my head says we'll most likely regret this in the morning, but for the life of me, right now I couldn't care less.
Peeta sighs and shifts in his sleep, making me realize exactly what woke me moments ago. He is hard, like a rock, and I can clearly feel the length of him pressing against my ass. He must have pushed against me in his sleep and the sensation brought me out of the nightmare.
I'm not really sure what to do. Should I move away from him? Try to wake him up? Neither option appeals to me as he would surely be embarrassed if he knew that I knew and honestly, I like feeling him against me.
As I've been having my internal struggle, his hand has crept underneath my tank top and is now tracing small circles around my belly button. The tingles radiating from his fingertips are like nothing I've felt before and I can feel myself react immediately with a rush of warmth between my thighs. I try to move my body away from his. His big hand opens flat against my stomach, pulling me flush against him as he burrows his nose into my neck and I feel rather than hear him whisper "Katniss…"
All coherent thought leaves my brain as his warm lips begin an exploration of my neck, blazing a trail of wet kisses up to the sensitive skin behind my ear. The feel of his chapped lips causes me to shiver, which makes him push harder against by back and his low groan vibrates across my flesh.
I lie there afraid to move, let alone breathe, and break whatever spell has come over Peeta.
His lips have now descended to my jaw as his hand has slowly crept further up my chest. His fingertips are brushing the lower swell of my breast, leaving me panting and wanting more. I arch my back slightly in silent invitation and he wastes no time palming the soft mound and kneading gently. His hand is calloused and the hard ridges scrape against my tender flesh, causing a tantalizing mix of pleasure and pain. I'm quite happy to let him continue in this fashion until his fingers find the hardened bud of my nipple and give it a squeeze. The electric jolt of pleasure that shoots through me is unlike anything I've ever felt before and I almost jump off of the bed. Strange keening sounds fill the room and it takes a moment for me to realize that I'm the one making them.
With an almost feral growl, Peeta shifts and pulls me down so that I'm lying on my back. I can see desire burning in his bright blue irises as he pulls his hand out from underneath my tank top to cradle my jaw. His eyes lock with mine as his mouth descends, far too slowly for my taste, and our lips meet in a kiss that contains all of the pent up passion from the last few months.
There is nothing soft or gentle about this kiss. It is at once demanding and possessive, branding us both as the others. His tongue traces the seam of my lips in invitation and my hands find their way into his hair, pulling him closer as I open up to him. His scent is everywhere – sweet and earthy, like cinnamon and dill mixed with something uniquely Peeta. Our tongues taste each other repeatedly; our moans and whimpers filling the air as we drink our fill. Hands glide over hard planes and soft valleys, trying desperately to both pull closer and feel as much as possible all at once.
As we've been kissing, our lower bodies have been grinding against each other, searching for that elusive rhythm that would bring us to both to sweet release. His leg is firmly wedged between both of mine, creating the perfect friction for my throbbing core. With an instinct as old as time, I begin to buck my hips, rubbing against his thigh to find relief from the tension that has coiled within me.
"Oh Peeta," I breathe out between kisses. My hands are firmly planted on his taut ass in an attempt to get him as close to me as possible. I can feel his hard length pressing up against my hip as he tries to find his own release.
What finally sends me over the edge into oblivion is when he reaches his hand up from where it's been clutching my hip to my breast and rolls my straining nipple between his fingers.
"Peeta!" I cry out as I come, stars shooting behind my closed eyelids. I feel as though every cell in my body has exploded with bliss.
All I can do is to lay there, boneless and sated, as Peeta continues to thrust against me. His hands are on my shoulders shaking my whole body as he comes, shouting my name. "Katniss….oh fuck, Katniss!" He keeps shaking me and repeating my name like a mantra. "Katniss! Katniss! KATNISS!"
My eyes fly open and are met with wide blue ones in the semi-darkness. I'm confused, but Peeta looks absolutely terrified. Slowly I realize that he's still shaking me but he's not saying my name any longer. "Not real, Katniss! It's not real!" His words bounce around my fuzzy brain until I finally latch on to their meaning.
'Not real?'
A/N: Um, yeah, so I totally went there. A super huge thank you marycontrary82 for the suggestion and as always to Ro for the darling banner. Complaints, threats and other hate mail can be submitted in writing via PM or over on tumblr. Love ya, mean it!