Prelude: Logan on "The Kiss"

Logan's POV

When Logan was 14 years old he came to a realization. He cared about very few people and, in turn, very few people cared about him. He wasn't particularly repulsed or hurt by this realizaton but it made him come to a conclusion which shaped his life: The few people in his life who cared about him mattered more than anything and there is nothing he wouldn't do to ensure that they were a continued presence in his world. In essence he couldn't afford, nor did he want, to lose any of these people from his life.

At the age of 16 one of these people was brutally murdered and he decided that if he couldn't have Lily anymore at least he'd have Duncan and Veronica. It took Logan one look at Duncan to realize that things were never going to be the same but Logan accepted that and stood by Duncan even though his own grief made him a rather fragile pillar. It took Logan a week to realize that he had lost Duncan as well because this emotionless shell walking around like a zombie was not his best friend. Logan , however, decided that if he couldn't have Duncan a zombie that looked like him would have to do so hours were spent trying to coax a reaction from his best friend.

Logan's other best friend was his own pillar. Logan wasn't quite sure when he decided Veronica Mars was the eternal band-aid to his many wounds. It was quite possibly the night Lily died Veronica crawled through his window, lay in bed with him while he refused to get up and, somehow in her silence, convinced him a world without Lily was still worth living. A day later her father went after Jake Kane. It took all of Logan's rationality, and he didn't have much at that point, to convince himself that Veronica wasn't to blame and that Keith was following procedure. A week later the crime scene video came up and in a moment of anger he blamed Veronica and left her crying in a computer lab, staring at an image of her best friend's body wondering how life got this bad.

Losing Duncan and Veronica sent Logan into a tailspin. He had always been mordant and defensive with those he didn't allow in his small, small inner circle but he turned callous and cruel. He didn't flinch before breaking Veronica's headlights or before exposing the secrets she so tentatively had told him in their most tender moments of friendship. He dated Caitlin, which in itself was self-destructive, pissed his father of more than usual and did his work even less than usual.

Then one day he got Duncan back. One day he was a zombie and the next he was singing musicals on the bleachers and although he never wants to hear Duncan sing again, at that moment he heard nothing 

better. He showed up at Keith Mars' office because Duncan told him too and at that point there wasn't a whole lot Logan wasn't going to do to make sure Duncan remained a real boy. He probably knew he had Veronica back the moment she handed him painkillers and stroked his hair as he fell asleep after his father had beat him. If he had any doubts she cleared them when she tearfully hugged him breathing out that she missed him in barely a whisper. Logan had two of the most important people back in his life and he loved it.

It took him 3 minutes to screw it up. He could blame the almost kiss on the mistletoe or the fact that he is a healthy teenage boy or her undeniable beauty but really it wasn't any of that. Logan wanted to kiss Veronica. It helped that she was beautiful and that there was mistletoe but Logan figured that his desire had little to do with her beauty or the stupid Christmas tradition. So he brushed her cheek and she melted like butter in the palm of his hand and their lips were a few merciless inches apart because, believe it or not, Veronica Mars wanted to kiss Logan Echolls too.

This is when Duncan decides to call and of course the guilt sets in. Here he was about to kiss Duncan's ex-girlfriend, whom he once swore on videogames (something eternally important to 15 year old boys), that she was the one, the love his life, the future Mrs. Kane. Meanwhile Duncan is on the phone calling Veronica at 2am, his pants half-on after realizing Logan's father has been stabbed and Logan needed him and so let's go to the hospital. People don't do that for Logan. He doesn't mean to sound like a crybaby but people don't leap out of bed at 2am just to see if he's ok. So when Duncan asked him, against all guy codes, if he was really ok Logan knew what he had to do. He had to not kiss Veronica Mars. So he didn't. She shyly waited by the mistletoe looking a touch guilty and confused herself and since the way she bit her lip really turned him on he knew he had to take her back to the ER before he ruined his friendship with both Duncan and Veronica with one swift kiss.

Part of Logan knew she understood. So she put up her own boundaries and refused to be privy to the Aaron Echolls show. Even though Logan wanted to beg her to not let him confront his father alone he knew her borders were right and fair. That and Logan Echolls does not beg.

His father denies having ever slept with or heard of the waitress. The only thing more ridiculous is that his mother believes it. Logan's rant will earn him more beatings than he's ever had because Logan spills out all his affairs. All the ones he has seen first-hand and knows better than to talk about but he's angry. He's angry because his mother is placating Aaron again, because Aaron is going to get away with it but mostly because he's angry because he didn't kiss Veronica Mars. He knows he'll be punished. He sees it in his father's glare, his eyes holding that foreboding coldness that no amount of morphine can quell. He storms out of the room before he can hear his mother believe that Aaron has never heard of Jennifer Garner.

He punches a vending machine. It's immature, over-dramatic and has the sense of a tantrum but he does it anyways because that kind of petulance suits him perfectly. All the sudden Veronica is standing beside him. I don't think you understand Logan you have to put the money in before you get a drink. Her tone is light but he can hear what she's not saying. She's saying that she's there and that she's not afraid to approach him even though he is beating the shit out of an inanimate object because she knows he'll 

never hit her. That even when the nurses are looking at him like he's about to explode and the other patients give him a wide berth she'll calmly stand-by him even if he does look like he's about to have a emotional breakdown in the middle of the hallway. "Jennifer Garner? Really? I mean as much as I don't like your Dad I'm a little impressed." She plays the whole thing off as a joke because really what else do you do when the guy who hated you becomes your friend again, almost kisses you and then accuses his father of numerous counts of adultery before punching a vending machine? Her lips quirk into a smile and something about it immediately calms me down. Are you ok? We spend about 90 of our time speaking in subtext. Every comment is laced with witticisms and we never quite say exactly what we mean because when we do it opens a Pandora's box that really should be kept shut. She just entered that 10. She's not smirking, crossing her arms or holding back any of the painfully genuine concern that registers on her usually hard features.

Of course he's not ok. He tried to start a fight with a vending machine and almost wished it hit him back. His girfriend's dead, his father's stabbed, he mother's an idiot and he almost kissed my best friends ex-girlfriend. Logan is so far from ok he is bordering on disaster. She asked an honest question, by all rights he should give an honest answer but he doesn't. She doesn't push it and he knew she wouldn't. Veronica may be a pusher but she hates talking about feelings and crap almost as much as Logan does and the sane part of her knows that she can't fix what's broken. Except she probably can. She's babbling about having to go and he thinks that if he could really have this. Have her. That maybe everything would be fine and that even if Duncan hated him that he wouldn't care because he'd have her. In that brief moment of irrationality Logan is kissing her. He's kissing her and he's so sure she's going to pull away but she doesn't. It takes her a moment to respond and even when she does, he can all but hear her weighing the pro's and con's of continuing the kiss. Logan wants to tell her to stop thinking because then she'd realize exactly how bad of an idea this really is but that would cause me to break contact and he really doesn't want to do that. For a moment she stops thinking and she kisses me like she means it and he can't help but think that Lily has – had- nothing on her. Then she thinks again. She remembers that kissing Logan Echolls is, indeed a very, very bad idea. I have to go. Rule #1 in The Echolls guide to dating women: Do not harass them mercilessly for a year.

Season 1 Episode 10: Dream of another half-naked woman

Episode guide: Both Logan and Veronica start moving on and Aaron's return is worse than imagined.

A/N: They're not mine but they sure are fun to play with

Veronica's POV:

Ok Veronica Logan Echolls kissed you. One moment you were thinking about gracefully leaving the Echolls to deal with their family issues (or at least scratch the surface) then all the sudden you are pinned between the surgical gloves and the vending machine thinking that kissing Logan may be alright after all. I pull up at Wallace's and pound on his window.

"Girl you better have a good reason for waking me up at 7am." Right there is an appropriate time to make social calls. I must be out of practice. Another thing I can thank Logan for, actually I'm sure if I try hard enough I can blame Logan for pretty much anything.

"I brought bagels?" He smiles and opens window wider allowing me to crawl through.

"So what's the case?" Right I don't do girl talk with Wallace either. Oh god.

"I kissed Logan Echolls." Great segway Veronica way to lay it all out there. "Well technically he kissed me but you get the picture." Not that I tried to stop him. Logan was addictive, the perfect mix of blinding passion and intensity with the kind of security that I never thought he would be able to convey. His kiss was sheer power because Logan doesn't touch when he can caress, hold when he can embrace and he certainly doesn't kiss when he can make out. I am pulled out of my rather enjoyable memory of the forbidden kiss by Wallace's laughter.

"For a Private Eye you're kind of blind there Mars." I look at him incredulously for a moment "The guy's been eying you like a fat guy ordering at Burger King for weeks now." This is not good. Logan cannot be looking at me.

It took Logan 4 days after Lilly's death to hook-up with another girl. She was stick thin, brunette and easier than a Playboy bunny on GHB. Everyone thought this meant he was over Lilly and, therefore, fair game. They didn't hear him retching and sobbing in the bathroom after-wards. Ever since then Logan has surrounded himself with a plethora of easy, vapid girls who want him for nothing more than his name, his influence and/or his money and Logan doesn't care. He doesn't care because for all of Lilly's faults she never cared about his money or power she cared that he was just rough around the edges to make Celeste worry but not tarnished enough to make him any real danger to her and she loved him. She may have fooled around, treated him like shit and then expected all to be forgiven with a coy smile (which it was of course) but in her own way she truly cared about Logan and had often said that they just needed to get the bitching and cheating out of their systems while they were young so they could be together forever. Basically she challenged Logan and when she died he refused to be with another girl who would push him. So he didn't, choosing to play in the shallow end with the girls who were tamed with his trademark smirk. To the world he was moving on. To Duncan and me he was floundering and wouldn't dare test deeper waters. I am deep water. Even when I was the bubblegum princess dating Duncan there was never a time when I would have been described as undemanding. Logan looking at me means he is thinking of deep waters and really moving on.

"Wallace this is bad. Like really bad." Wallace just raises his eyebrows as I plow on. "That's Lilly's boyfriend." The topic of Lilly has always been tough for Wallace because he didn't know her. He wasn't sad that she died, he didn't have to rebuild his life because someone bashed her head in with an ashtray and he definitely didn't know exactly how possessive she was over Logan. To his credit he was always tactful. He listened to my random stories about her, went to the memorial, and I once saw him almost hit a freshman whom he heard calling Lilly a slut. But Wallace did those things because he cared about me and Duncan and even Logan, not because he loved Lilly.

"Look I know I don't know Lilly but wouldn't she want Logan to be happy?"

"Wallace I love Lilly and Lilly loved Logan but I'm pretty sure she'd rather see Logan dragged through glass than really happy without her."

"Then maybe she didn't really love him." Wallace says softly. He's waiting for me to laugh and give him one of those looks I give when he totally misjudges Lilly's character but I take a second to think about it. What is my basis for Lilly loving Logan? That she said it once or twice in that off-hand way she did when something was so unimportant to her it didn't merit her looking up from her magazine? She crushed Logan, publically, numerous times, slept with Weevil and I'm willing to bet she'd rather Logan pine away for her for years then have him in love with someone else. No, Lilly didn't love Logan she loved that Logan loved her.

"Yeah, maybe." Wallace and I share a pensive moment of silence before I realize I have to go home and change for school. "Thanks Wallace."

"Anytime superfly."

Logan's POV

So I kissed Veronica. She kissed back but the point is I initiated it. This is the reason for the overwhelming amount of guilt I feel as I knock on the Kane's door.

"Hey man how's your Dad?" Great and he's even pulling the good friend card. God why couldn't Duncan have fallen for Shelley Pomroy?

"Fine." And coming home in T-minus 4 hours. Something I am personally not excited for. We do the guy stuff play video games, discuss Madison's impending party and I try to find a way to subtly bring up Veronica.

"So anything happening on the case?" We don't say Lilly's murder or even Lilly's case anymore. Not when we're talking about the clues and looking at the pictures of her bloody head. It is easier to make it impersonal.

"Uh not really." Duncan sticks his tongue out in concentration zapping on of my characters on the screen. "Dude what's with you? You're playing worse than Lil-" We've gotten to that awkward point in moving on where we'll blurt out something like remember when Lily…and then we stop cold because we realize for about 2.5 seconds we forgot that Lilly is dead and we aren't nearly moved on enough to deal with that.

"No man Lilly was totally worse she just liked that all the guys had 6-packs. No skill at all." I'm the first to take the next step. To talk about Lilly without a shrink making me, or wanting to vomit. I think this is what they call progress. Duncan just nods with a little smile probably remembering his sister petulantly demanding he play for her so she could finally beat me.

"Yeah good call. Nothing more on the case though. There's this deputy that was all flirty with Veronica when she went down to visit her Dad so she's thinking of trying to flirt her way into the evidence room." Duncan curses under his breath as a bomb takes one of his player's lives. Ok Veronica has been brought up. Target acquired.

"Really dude that doesn't bother you?" Because it bothers me and I've only kissed her once.

"I don't particularly like that idea but we need the crime scene recordings. Plus Weevil is going to come in and distract the officer while gets the tape and she carries a tazor in her purse. I think she'll be fine." Oh well if Weevil's there. What is the appeal seriously? Anyways moving on.

"So are you going to get back on the horse anytime soon?" Wow that was a pathetic attempt at nonchalance. Duncan pauses the video game and looks at me curiously.

"Logan if you want to ask something just ask it. Subtly isn't you're strong suit." The guy does have a point.

"Are you and Veronica going to go all Dawson and Joey on us?" Duncan rolls his eyes.

"I thought she was my sister for a year. She thought I hated her for a year." This is going exceptionally well. "It's going to take some time Logan." Fuck Fuckiddy Fuck.

"So you still have feelings for her?" Please laugh in my face. He simply scoffs indignantly.

"Of course Logan. The future Mrs. Kane remember?" Oh god he was serious about that. I spend the rest of the afternoon trying, unsuccessfully, to put thoughts of Veronica out of my head. Duncan Kane makes Prince Charming looks like sleeze bag. He's doing the noble thing, patiently biding his time until Veronica is ready to turn back in to his Princess and she will. They will have a tastefully large mansion, little blue-eyed kids and a trendy-yet-family-friendly SUV before you can say Stepford Wives. Duncan is dependability and exactly what Veronica should have. Duncan may have ignored her for a year but he took 2 minutes not 2 months to apologize, he makes her laugh, swoon and cry and really no one can compete with anyone who evokes such conflicted emotions.

Veronica's POV

Avoiding Logan was extremely easy as he took the day off for his Dad's recovery, something I am sure he is more than happy to be helping with. So since I couldn't busy myself with ducking in to classrooms Wallace and I decided to make some chunk change digging up 09er's parental feux pauxs. A job that was harmless until Mac showed up. How do you tell someone they were switched at bitch with the queen of the bitches. She promises to leave the Sinclair's alone if I promise to crash a party with her. Something that shouldn't be to challenging since Duncan already invited Wallace and me. In order to quell the guilt for not calling Logan to ask about his Dad and for telling Mac her little life-changing tidbit I sink in to the world of crazy conspiracy theorists as I try to weed out the caller who gift wrapped Koontz for Lamb. Naturally I am stopped by a knock on the door at…mid-night. This is when having a father who doesn't 

run away to Texas to chase bail jumpers would be advantageous. I grab my tazor and open the door slowly.

"Logan?" He is either holding his body funny or his shoulder is severly dislocated, he has black eyes and a split lip and the worst part about this whole thing is I can tell from his stance that the worst marks are on his back. "Oh my god Logan, come inside you're shaking like a leaf." I wonder exactly how long he has been standing out there debating knocking as I wrap a blanket around his shivering shoulders. From the pain on his face the shaking isn't doing wonders for the shoulder that is unnaturally close to his ear and I decide that is worse than the fact he is cold. "I need to look at that shoulder Logan." He nods wordlessly and goes to shrug off both the blanket and the jacket. The excruciating pain this dumbass move caused him explains why he is suddenly unconscious on my couch. While he's still out I cautiously remove his arm from his jacket sleeve causing his face to contort in agony but still leaving him senseless. I'm guessing the fact that his is lying on his back isn't doing much for the pain. God-damn Aaron Echolls wasn't a guy who just recovered from a near fatal stab wound supposed to appreciate life and be a better person all that second chance crap. I wet a washcloth with cold water and hold it against the least damaged part of his face.

"Logan. Open your eyes Logan common." He groans and his eyes flutter open he stares at me momentarily in confusion then seems to piece it together.

"Wow that was suave." He says with a mix between a chuckle and a moan. No wonder he wears himself out, he spends 99 of his time pretending he's fine. He's bleeding on my couch and trying to make jokes. I lace my fingers through his hair and stroke his pale face with the pad of my thumb. The fresh shiners do nothing to curb the intensity in his stare and if it wouldn't hurt him I think I'd be kissing him right now.

"Logan I need to take you to the hospital." I say softly not breaking contact. "That shoulder is pretty rough." Logan gulps down air and looks away to the ceiling

"No the tabloids are all over my family right now. They would make it their mission to find out everything." The bitterness is obvious in his words. "Can't you just, I don't know, pop it back in or something." Ok I watch Grey's Anatomy but mostly because the MerDer drama is too intense to miss not because I know anything about medicine. I think I heard once you can do permanent damage both if you wait too long and if you do it the wrong way. I need a solution and fast.

"I have a neighbor whose a nurse let her look at." Logan looks at me apprehensively but he's not completely shutting down the idea. "She won't tell anyone and we can tell her you got in a bar fight or crashed your car something like that." I run to my Dad's room before he can respond and bring out one of my Dad's old undershirts. "Put this on and she won't have to see your back." He doesn't even respond to the back comment but nods wordlessly. "Here let me" I say when he tries to lift the hem of his shirt. I go slowly, knowing that some blood will have scabbed onto the shirt. His good arm and his head are fairly easy but there is a defiantly awkward moment when I brush my hand over his shoulder to guide the shirt off. His eyes haven't left my face and I know better than to show shock at the deep purple bruises trailing down his side.

"Do you think any are broken?" I ask as I softly run my fingers down his sides checking for any misplaced ribs. He shivers slightly at my touch and shakes his head no. The bruises are going to kill for days maybe even weeks but nothing seems broken so I help him wrestle the shirt on. I haven't looked at his back yet but judging from the blood on his previous shirt, I'm not going to like what I see.

I run to Sarah's apartment quickly babbling some crap stories about a bar fight and Logan not wanting to further tarnish his family name in the tabloids. She swears her secrecy and I believe her mostly because I threaten to destroy her if this gets leaked and she know I can. Logan is sitting hunched on the couch beads of sweat on his brow probably from the pain considering the cold weather.

"Hi Logan." Sarah says with enough sweetness to convey she cares but not enough to make him think she's going to ask for an autograph when this is all over. Logan gives her a weak smile. "I'm Sarah I'm going to pop you're shoulder back for you ok. Lay down here on the floor you'll be more comfortable" Logan pales a little but nods. At the pained look on his face I instinctively kneel by his side and grab his free hand which he clutches fiercely.

"On the bright side Logan you'll have freshman girls wanting to kiss you better all week." He tries to laugh at that but Sarah rolling his shoulder is causing him too much pain. "Just relax it's almost over." I use my other can to brush away the sweat-laden hairs from his forehead as she rolls the shoulder outward the most painful part. I'm not surprised when he doesn't scream or whine just clenches his jaw determinedly and squeezes my hand. I wonder how many time's he's clenched his jaw to stop from screaming out in pain and the thought makes my stomach roll. Sarah rolls it again and he is out cold but she's got his shoulder back in place. She carefully drapes his arm over his chest as if there was a sling and then gets up to leave.

"He'll wake up in a bit that was pretty bad." She says and leaves the room not asking how a guy who was so obviously sober and wearing pajama pants got in to a bar fight.

I bring out the cloth again taking the dried tracks of blood of his face and wondering what happened for Aaron to completely lose control. I have his head resting on my lap and I lean against couch knowing full well it is too late to dull the bruising on his eyes with ice. He comes too, blinking groggily a few times before focusing on my face.

"I'll have you know most of my female encounters are much more pleasurable and end with her peacefully unconscious."

"From discomfort?" I ask with a little laugh and he manages to stick his tongue out. "Here take these you stud." I pass him two of the extra strength Tylenol Sarah had and he swallows them gratefully and sits up. I help him to his feet., well not really given the size difference but I try, and lead him to my bedroom. Considering the circumstances this shouldn't feel as forward as it does. He manages to lay face down and, since it doesn't move his shoulder, the discomfort comes only from the bruised ribs.

"I feel like a dropped peach." He mumbles miserably as he attempts to get comfortable. I'm about to laugh when I pull his shit up to reveal the angry red marks. What I saw last time was what some sick 

people could claim to be discipline. There is no one I know who would deny this as abuse. Bruises from the belt buckle and haphazard red gashes pepper his back and there are some excruciatingly painful looking spots that hold both. Suddenly I notice intense red marks doting his arm. If I thought his back was bad that is nothing compared to the ash-filled burns on the inside of his arms.

"My Dad took up smoking again." Logan says almost apologetically. Yeah cause it's his fault his father is a sadistic fuck.

"Oh my god Logan." I forgot at that moment the importance of not gawking since his pride is far more wounded than his back. I catch myself jaw-dropping , eyes-widening and place a hand on the one unmarked sport I can find. "I'm sorry Logan it's just didn't realize it gets this bad."

Logan's POV

To her credit she did only stare, dumbfounded for a second and then touched me instead of recoiling in horror. So far she's surpassed my expectations.

"It usually doesn't" His uncontrollable rage only gets brought out in special circumstances and me spilling his affairs at the top of my lungs in a public hospital apparently draws out the beast.

"Common we have to get the ash out of these." She's trying to play it like she's said that sentence a million times before. Somehow I don't think third degree burns are a feature in the Mars residence. I'm glad she doesn't make an overly big deal about them. She puts my arms under the cold running water and holy shit it stings like a bitch. She does it with all of them desperately trying to subdue the burning sensation. She efficient and as gentle as humanly possible and though the water stings while its running, afterwards, when she puts polyporin on them and carefully wraps them in gauze,I can't help but notice the burn isn't quite so bad.

"Better?" She asks quietly as if she's worried she's done it wrong. I nod silently willing myself to meet her eyes. The vanilla perfume wraps around me as she comes closer and all I want to do is kiss her, right there in the bathroom beside her gun-totting's father's shave kit and make her forget that she ever enjoyed another guys kiss. Reality hits me as she pours disinfectant over the gashes on my back and I suddenly remember that girls like her don't need a fix-er-upper when they can have a Kane. The antiseptic stings must not quite as much as the loss of contact when she finishes and pulls me off the toilet seat to her bedroom. "Lay down." She says with such gentleness that I can't help but comply. Maybe it's the painkillers, or the crappy day or the fact that I'm lying in Veronica's bed and she's there beside me weaving her fingers through my hands but my eyelids are unbelievable heavy and I can feel myself drift off.

Veronica's POV

The painkillers knock him out and he is immediately tangled up in my pink sheets and I can't help but think he looks almost peaceful for the first time in a long time. When I'm sure he's out cold I peel the sheets down and lift up his shirt snapping pictures on the grotesque bruises before carefully rolling him over to zoom in on belt buckle imprints and the angry welts on his back. He still doesn't wake up so I carefully remove the gauze strips protecting his burned arms and click a few images quickly before bandaging him back up. I breathe a sigh of relief when I'm done and hide the camera irrationally afraid he is going to spring to life. It feels sleazy snapping pictures of him when he's asleep but damnit if he decides he'll let me really help him and I can't. The jury will need the gory shoots so they can clench their jaws in rage and know that anyone who can burn the flesh of their own child is not fit to be a father. I get a glass of water and place it beside him on the table. It's a gesture he probably won't notice or appreciate but it's my way of telling him that he's going to be ok and that he's safe here. I leave the room oddly reluctant to leave Logan alone in the bed. I don't want him to feel alone anymore. I also don't want him to wake up wondering why Veronica Mars is curled into his side so I tiptoe out of the room and sink into my father's bed.

A while later I am woken by the sounds of screaming and pleading. My eyes shoot open as I remember Logan in my room. Quickly I jump out of bed and run into my room. Logan's face is pale and damp with a mixture of sweat and tears and he is thrashing around pleading for something to stop. God I hate Aaron.

"Logan!" I shake him away quickly and my heart pangs at the look of sheer horror when his eyes fly open and he bolts upright. "You're ok. Everything's ok". I gently push his shoulders back down and he lets me but he is breathing heavily and shutting his eyes trying to disappear from the situation.

"So I guess you won't believe me when I tell you I dreamt of naked Jessica Alba" He says with a shaky laugh.

"I don't know, after her stint in Sin City she seemed kind of freaky to me." I play along gently placing a concerned hand on his cheek. "Maybe you should dream of another half-naked woman."

"Suggestions?" He says with a suggestive smirk and I slap him on the chest in response. He may have a smirk on but I can still feel him tremble under my fingers and his eyes still hold a trace of fear. Something inside me churns when I realize that his dreams are probably too close to reality for waking up to be any real comfort.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask quietly pushing myself further on to the bed. He let's out a shaky breath and I think the fact he is even considering talking is progress.

"Just the usual: violent fathers, laughing sisters, drugged mothers." He says with a wry laugh and I can't help but note that there is more honesty in that statement than anything he has ever said to me. He is admitting he's scared which in itself is just so big for him that I feel like I owe him something. I owe it to him to let him know it's ok that he's scared and shaking in my twin bed and it's ok that the brave mask is slowly peeling off because I know that he is tough and strong and everything else he so desperately thinks he has to pretend to be.

"Too close to reality for comfort." My answer is honest and provocative because his was too and maybe I can't make him see that he is going to be ok but I can strip my words of their sarcasm and give him some genuine empathy. Because I know. I know that his father hits him and Trina doesn't believe him and his mother is too ambivalent to stop it. More importantly I know that he is scared of his father, mad 

at his sister and disappointed in his mother. The belts might hurt him but his mother sitting there watery eyes, drink in hand listening as the leather smarts against his back is what crushes him.

So this is how I end up slipping into bed beside him desperately wanting to give him a warm body to latch on to.

Veronica's POV

Of all the times I imagined getting Veronica Mars in bed, and trust me there were multiple variations, having her squeeze into a twin bed because of my nightmares never came up. Then again I'm a teenage boy, I'll take what I can get. She rolls over to face me and I can't help but think it is way too reminiscent of the kiss to be comfortable and she doesn't actually expect me to sleep now does she?

"I have nightmares about Lily sometimes." She offers quietly. It's a big thing for Veronica bring up Lily at all let alone the fact that she is has nightmares. We haven't talk about Lily since before our little vendetta and I don't know how we're supposed to talk about her now. So we don't. I just nod at the comment accepting it as what it is: an admission to show that she too is one big emotional disaster and maybe that's ok right now.

Our noses are almost touching and it's so painfully intimate I can hardly stand it. We lay like that for a while staring at each other in silence and I think that it is so fricken wack that it suits us perfectly. Is there an us? The future Mrs. Kane. I used to see her as the future Mrs. Kane. I thought that she would wear tasteful Chanel suits, and organize charity events while Duncan expanded Kane Software. This was also when I thought they would be living near enough to Lily and I that I would end up sleeping on their couch when Lily got mad at me. It was stupid and childish to think we'd end up with matching mansions and our kids would play together as we reminisce about the good ole days. Even if Lilly had survived and the marriages happened I would have eventually had to notice that she had someone else's smell on her when she came home and the Old Veronica would have slowly cracked under the pressure of being a Kane while Duncan worked too late to notice.

Amazingly it is her who makes contact first. Her feather-light fingers outline the dark bruise forming on my eye. She lets her fingers run over the dislocated shoulder to my back. Careful not to hit the new welts she traces the old scars. The whole thing is so gentle and raw that between our almost touching noses, the shivers her touch gives me, and the comfortable silence it is hard to remember why this is such a bad idea. Her serene looks suddenly changes to distress and she bolts upright immediately.

"The bong." I furrow my eyebrows figuring she's just made a break in some case. Then again how can she could she have been thinking of work while she was an inch from my face looking in to my eyes like a friggin Harlequin romance novel.

"This is what my little joke cost you isn't it." Oh shit. I'm not exactly good with girls and tears. Lilly rarely cried and when she did it was usually my fault so I wasn't exactly doing the comforting. Veronica puts a distressed hand to her head, a stray tear or two trailing down her cheeks. I sit up slowly partly because 

of my sore ribs but mostly because I don't really know what to do. As much as I don't want to spiral into a full-fledged discussion of Daddy dearest past-times I do owe her a synopsis.

"It was months ago Veronica." I say quietly putting an arm awkwardly around her which she thankfully doesn't shake off. "Just forget about it. It was a long time ago it's not a big deal." Truth: One of the worst beatings in my life but she doesn't need to know that.

"Forget about it!" She says indignantly. "Gee Logan I'm sorry that I can't immediately get past the fact I was directly responsible for your being whipped!" If I didn't know Veronica so well the vehemence would have been surprising. She chokes a little on the word whipped and put her head in her hands disgusted with herself, with him and probably a little with me.

"Hey it's not like that ok." I brush a strand of hair away from her face and looking into her watery, red-rimmed eyes trying to figure out why she feels that this is such a big deal. "He would have found another reason Veronica; sometimes he doesn't even need one it's just his way of dealing with his embarrassment of a son." I say with a half-hearted smile.

Veronica's POV

It's just his way with dealing with his embarrassment of a son. Oh god. I know it's common for people in abusive situations to think they deserve the horrible treatment they receive but surely Logan doesn't think that. Logan is bravado and entitlement he is not self-doubt and vulnerability.

"Logan what your fathers does it's not your fault either." Logan looks at me wondering how it went from him calming me down to me reassuring him, or at least trying to.

"Are we about to reenact Good Will Hunting?" Logan asks with a smirk but his eyes betray him. They shift nervously from my face to the face and I want desperately to tell him over and over again that it's not his fault but damnit I don't want to sound like Robin Williams.

"You don't deserve any of it." Similar angle, different words. Logan is starting to look increasingly uncomfortable and it dawns on me that he really believes this is acceptable.

"Common, remember the bum fights?" He says with a humorless laugh.

"Yeah." I said softly shuffling so I was facing him fully our foreheads and knees almost making contact. "You deserved community service work, grounding, having your car taken away something like that." He's suddenly really interested in the stitching on my comforter. Trying not to think of Duncan or Lily or the million other reasons why I should just let this go I bring a hand up to cup his face letting my thumb stroke the edge of his bruise. "You did not deserve this." The contact makes him lock eyes with me and although the words aren't a miracle maybe it's a start and maybe someday he'll believe me. We're inches apart now and my hand moves from his bruise through his hair and I kiss him again. He's surprisingly tentative but it heats up quickly.

"What are we doing?" He says with a laugh breaking the kiss. A new surge of butterflies take flight in my stomach. Does he want this? Is he just hurting? Is he trying to replace Lilly."

"I don't know." I say with a half-hearted laugh. He leans in and kisses me softly hearing the unasked questions in my voice.

Logan's POV

"Are you sure about this?" Sure she has apprehension but she's not competing with friggin Duncan Kane. "What about Duncan?" Her face holds something akin to confusion and she still is running her hands through my hair so I figure it's a good sign.

"What about Duncan?" Should I tell her? Prince Charming is getting the shoe fitted for you and is just waiting for your hair to grow three inches and your face to soften slightly so don't waste your time with the pale replacement.

"He's still in love with you." I say softly waiting for her confused expression to turn to elation. She doesn't say anything for a while but she doesn't move away either.

"I'm not in love with Duncan anymore." She says in answer to my unasked question. I'm unconvinced but I figure that being a place holder is better than nothing. "So, how are we going to play this?" She asks curled next to me her legs intertwined with mine. Play this? Personally I was figuring that we'd just kind of walk in to Neptune High holding hands but I have always been a fan of the low-concept plans.

"I mean with Duncan." Right the ex-boyfriend who happens to also be my best friend/the only person in the world who has always been there for me. "And the fact that we supposedly hate each other."

"Uh I think that stone has been uncovered." If anyone thought I still hated Veronica punching Dick in the face when he called her a slut definitely set them straight.

"Maybe we should just keep this to ourselves for a while." I am so most definitely holding Duncan's place.

"What like meet in broom closets and send each other secret messages?"Shockingly she picks up on the slight bitterness in my voice and cups my cheek. God how can I deny this girl anything when she does that? She leans and kisses me again.

"I just think we should tell Duncan first." She puts her hands on my chest in a placating manner. "Look I don't want to keep this a secret but I don't want to lose my friendship with Duncan. More importantly I don't want you to lose your friendship with him. He's your best friend Logan." I know she's right and that's the worst part of all of this. I nod and force a smile and she rewards me with a lingering kiss.

"Secrets are kind of hot too." I can feel her smile against my lips and it's no wonder she got her claws so far in to Duncan.

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ps..thanks to those who PM'd me with the title of the story for those interested it is called "The One Who Loves You." and its good