The Manic-Depressive Authors Note: So, if you're out there and reading this, I'm extremely grateful! I love writing this and if it's entertaining, all the better. However, you don't get something for nothing. I love writing and Harry Potter(obviously), which is why I write stories like SCK and Disenchanted(If you haven't read this one, check it out!). But without any feedback, there's no point in me continuing these two. From now on, I need at least two more than one sentence reviews or it's just not worth it. Review chaps you've already read. It's really disappointing to write something and then get no feedback. I'm sorry I haven't to give an ultimatum like this and I'm not doing so to be obnoxious, it's just I have college classes and stuff to write for those as well so it's a lot. Again, I'm sorry! And to all of you who have reviewed, I'm sorry if I haven't gotten back to you and thanks so much!
And so, I was discharged from the hospital wing hand in hand with Oliver Wood the next morning. Frankly, I would rather have drank/chewed down another gallon of what I was almost certain was skrewt potion then hold Oliver's hand while we walked through the hallways. Val had brought my clothes down to me that morning: a pair of tight, flared jeans and my Holly-head Harpies tank-top. The look she gave me was unmistakable, the oh-god-what-have-you-done look. Sadly, the thin fabrics were no match for the drafty halls. Which meant(to my great chagrin) I had to huddle so close to Oliver I was practically glued to his side. Plus, everyone was just getting up in time for a really late breakfast(everybody seemed to sleep in on Boxing Day), their bleary eyed gaze coming to rest upon our entwined fingers. Nothing like a fresh romance to wake one up in the morning.
"Come on, let's go get something to eat." Oliver said eagerly, dragging me towards the great hall. I opened my mouth to refuse when I remembered something vital. Boxing Day! It was the day all the Hufflepuff's snuck down to the kitchen's to enjoy a feast. Cedric always dragged me down there on those mornings and we hung out. I was practically part of Hufflepuff house then. But that was before he'd gotten a girlfriend…and before I'd gotten a boyfriend. Urrgh. Why was it so painful to think those words?
"Fin? Are you alright?" Oliver asked, the blotchy pink flush over his pale skin standing out in the blueish winter light. He was so happy.
"Well, yeah…I just-" Somebody called my name and I turned to see Ernie running towards me, beaming. Ernie, running? "What's wrong, Ern?" I asked, twisting out of Oliver's grasp.
"Nothing, I just didn't want you to miss all the fun. Come on, Fin. Let's go!" He grabbed my arm and started to tow me in the direction of the stairs. Suddenly, a hand clamped over my other arm, gripping it tightly at the elbow.
"What's up?" Oliver asked, grinning. He probably didn't realize he was holding my arm in a death grip. Keeper reflex.
"What business is it of yours, Wood?" Ernie asked warily, giving my arm an experimental tug. I didn't even so much as budge. Ernie was a bookworm, his most developed muscle was probably his brain. Which wasn't even a muscle, making his chances less than slim of being able to drag me away. Oliver was a Keeper, and this was a tug-of-war match Ernie definitely couldn't win.
"It's all my business, Macmillan." Oliver's teeth clenched but he kept his dangerous smile.
"Since when is Findabhair you're business?" Ernie snapped, glaring at him and tugging me again.
"Since we started dating, Ernie." I grumbled, twisting my hand around and clawing Oliver's wrist. Ernie needed no further urging and dropped my arm like he'd been burned, staring at me aghast. "Now, before you two start a pissing contest," I spat, ignoring their surprised looks. I didn't swear a lot, and when I did, things were truly wrong. "Let's explain this to one another: Oliver, you're getting in the way of a Boxing Day tradition which I've attended every year for five years. Ernie, shut your mouth before something flies in there and gets lost." He clamped his mouth shut.
"What kind of tradition?" Oliver asked, smiling down at me in a tolerant boyfriend way. I hated that smile, and hated myself even more for being the object of it.
"A Hufflepuff tradition, strictly for Hufflepuff's. Why don't you go back to your house and enjoy your own kind of tradition? Like sitting in front of the fire and cheering on your fake champion?" Ernie snapped defensively.
"Last time I checked, Fin was a Ravenclaw. So it's not strictly for Hufflepuff's then, is it?" Oliver had stopped smiling and his fists were clenched. "I suppose your real champion was chivalrous enough to invite his girlfriend, was he? I'm sure he wont mind if Fin invites someone."
"Who says I'm inviting you? And besides, it's not my call, I'm not a Hufflepuff." Oliver was being an arse, and this was a side of him I'd never seen. Ernie turned towards me with a look of disgust.
"I'm making it your call. Invite him if you want." Ernie turned his back on me and crossed his arms. I didn't like this mean, petty attitude they were both showing. Then, a realization hit me so hard it made my heart try and rip itself from my chest.
"Why didn't Ced come and ask me himself?" I turned to Ernie, who shrank away from me with a guilty look. "Ern? Answer me."
"He's…he was…he asked me to come get you." Ernie muttered, his freckled face turning bright red.
"Because of Cho?" My voice grew bitter as I realized. Oliver muttered something under his breath and tried to grip my arm to steer me away.
"Well, yes and no. Cho didn't want you-" Ernie began.
"Well, then. Let's do this." I said briskly, trying to quell the seething anger in my stomach. "Lead the way, Ernie."
We managed to sneak into the kitchen no problem, though that didn't stop Ernie from leaping about like a frightened mouse at every tiny sound. It took me a while to realize that he didn't trust Oliver, and probably felt intimidated by him.
"I'm back!!" Ernie announced happily as we entered the kitchens, amid the shouts and cheers of the rest of the Hufflepuff's. Susan leapt forward with a squeal and crushed Ernie to her chest in a tight embrace. Justin Finch-Fletchley turned and his face lit up.
"Hey, Fin! How are you-" The words died in his throat as he saw Oliver. Alex and Elie, who'd been chugging butterbeer in the corner stared at me like I had just lead a vampire into their midst. No, they probably wouldn't have minded the vampire as much. In fact, knowing them as I did, they would have come up and asked for his autograph in blood. Knowing the Hufflepuff/Gryffindor animosity as I did, I knew they'd prefer to rip out Oliver's throat themselves.
"Hey, guys." Oliver slid his arm around my shoulder and sneered at them. I smiled uncomfortably and waved as the Hufflepuff's all turned to stare.
"Stop being such an arse." I snapped out of the corner of my mouth, keeping my smile plastered in place. Alex made no attempt to veil his hatred and glared at Oliver.
"What are you all staring at? This is supposed to be a party, isn't it?" Ernie cried, rousing them back into their merriment. A few still remained stonily silent and glared at Oliver, making no effort to hide their loathing.
"Come on," Ernie muttered darkly, dragging me along through the crowd. He glared at Oliver and gestured for him to follow. I wove through the rabble of Hufflepuff's and tried not to trip over any House-elves as I followed Ernie. We made our way into a more open room where some of the more elite Hufflpuffian were crowded around Cedric and Cho. The sight of Ced made my heart pound unevenly. Somehow, I'd been so much braver in the hallway; but now that I was facing him, hand in hand with Oliver Wood…well, I felt like I was going to be sick. It took him a moment to see me, but when he did, his face lit up.
"Findabhair! Ernie did find you! Here, move over." He pushed a couple people aside and swept me into a hug. "Ow." I yelped half-heartedly and he held me out so he could see my face, still beaming.
"How's your ankle after-" But he'd just spotted Oliver, who had(Bless his little cotton socks.) released my hand and stood behind me with a resentful look on his face. Cedric's expression hardened and he gritted his teeth. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, Fin invited me." Oliver stepped up and slid an arm around my waist. I saw Ced visibly stiffen as he glared at the arm like it was a tentacle. I'd rarely seen Cedric angry, it just wasn't in his nature to be short-tempered. But once he did get angry, he was furious. The intense look he got when struggling to repress a strong emotion came to his face readily and easily as Oliver inclined his head to place a kiss on my forehead. "Since we're-"
"Dating." I said the dreaded word and stared at my feet. Oh, Please. Just please let me melt into the ground and disappear.
"You're-" Ced seemed to have trouble uttering the word, like he'd swallowed a ton-tongue toffee and puking pastille all in one gulp. What made it worse is that he was looking at me like I'd just snogged Draco Malfoy . "No, you cant be-"
"Oh! How wonderful!" Cho lunged forward and tried to pull me into a fake hug. I jerked back and ducked under her arm, glaring at her smiling face. I was done trying to act like I liked her. I would no longer fake it. Her slanty little eyes were crinkled at the corners with joy. But there were some people I had to lie to, so I wouldn't hurt them.
"Yeah, he asked me last night." I laughed and turned to peck him on the cheek. The words burned my throat like an acid. Liar. My conscience accused and I felt my throat tighten. Ced stared at me for a fraction of a second, mystified. I was conscious of his stare, but I was a coward. I couldn't meet the silver hazel eyes I loved without throwing myself into his arms and sobbing. Then, quicker then I would have thought possible, Cedric had plastered a smile on his face.
"Congratulations, Oliver." He beamed at Wood's expression of surprise. Then he looked at me, sliding an arm around Cho. The smile stayed, but something seemed to shift in his expression. His mouth may have been smiling, but his eyes weren't. But maybe I was deluding myself, wishful thinking.
"I'm glad you've finally found a boy who takes your fancy." It didn't seem like something Ced would say, too formal. But then again, so much had changed. His new 'friends', Cho. Maybe it was normal for him now.
"And I'm glad you've finally found a girl who's worthy of your attentions." Some part of my brain made my mouth move to speak the lie. I think I forced the appropriate amount of happy emotion into the awkward sentence. Cedric wasn't fooled, though, I saw him wince before I forced myself to stare at his feet. Ernie handed me a butterbeer and I wrapped my fingers around it and made myself smile, ignoring the most exquisite kind of anguish I'd ever felt. "Cheers."
"Cheers!" Everyone else chorused as Cedric and I clinked our bottle's together. Our eyes were blank as our mouths smiled at one another. It was something akin to stabbing a knife deep into my own heart and then laughing as the blood spilled between clasped fingers. I brought my bottle up to my mouth and threw back my head and took a giant swig. I couldn't gulp it down fast enough. I wanted to drown myself in it, drown out everything else. But it's sweet warmth wasn't enough to chase away the dull, dead feeling in my chest. Boy, I was screwed up.
It just got worse and worse as the miserable celebration progressed. I forced myself to make polite conversation with the Hufflepuff's, who kept glaring at Oliver. In the years before this one, the celebration had been wild. They'd gone absolutely crazy with it, and the house-elves had actually enjoyed it, too. Now it was full of polite cordiality. It was a load of dragon dung. Cho had brought along Marietta, Elise and Laurie; her harpies from hell. They monopolized the attention of the crowd, forcing everyone to obey their sense of decorum. At least the house-elves hadn't let Cho decorate the kitchen's pink.
"Hey!" Elise snatched my arm and I nearly dropped what must have been my fifteenth butterbeer.
"Oh," I sighed wearily, ready to endure whatever kind of hell she wanted to drag me through now. "How are you, Elise?"
"I just wanted to tell you both how adorable you look," She gushed, her plastic smile full of mean-spirited glee. "I mean, you're really perfect for each other." She emphasized, still clutching my arm in her talons. "Once we get back to the common room, you'll have to tell me all about it."
"Okay." I agreed weakly, taking another couple of gulps of butterbeer and finishing the bottle. I looked around, I needed to find more. "Excuse me." I told her, and dragged Oliver over to the counter where they'd placed the butterbeer. I reached out to take another bottle and he grabbed my wrist.
"Fin, how many of those have you had?" He asked me, the expression on his face full of alarm. "You're going to drink yourself into a butterbeer coma."
"Don't be stupid, this stuff isn't that strong." I muttered, jerking my arm away and taking another bottle.
"Yeah, but I know you. You drink a pint of Butterbeer and you've had too much." He rolled his eyes. "You're going to become an addict." I ignored him and popped the cap, taking a huge gulp. Why wasn't it helping?!
"Look, at least share that one with me." I let him take it from my hand and raise it to his lips.
"Swapping spit?" Alex called callously and someone 'awed' from across the room. I groaned and clutched my head. Oliver was right, of course. I had way too much butterbeer in my system. My ears rang and my head felt funny. But, at the same time, it was great. I could forget that deeper, more cognizant part of my mind that demanded Cedric. It wasn't happiness, but it wasn't anguish either.
"Here, Fin! A Fizzing Whisbee, pumpkin fizz, Butterbeer, fire whiskey cocktail!" Susan Bones held out another drink to me. Her expression was sympathetic under the weak pretense of a grin.
"I don't think-" Oliver reached for the drink as I snatched it off the platter.
"No! I'm fine! I'll have it!" And I tipped my head back and drank it down. The flavors conflicted in my mouth, bubbling like they were carbonated and creamy with pumpkin fizz and then spicy and hot with the fire whiskey. The dizziness of a whisbee combined with all the fizzing and calming butterbeer made me stumble slightly. As I swallowed the last mouthful I tasted the thick, drowsy purple flavor of a sleeping draught. Thank you, Susan. Oliver held my arms, saying something in my ear. Oh, who cared? Really. I didn't.
My head drooped and I nearly fell forward to the ground. Oliver caught me under the elbows and I started to giggle. It was so funny. All this lying, this falseness. It was hysterical, did they even know how hilarious they were? Oliver was saying something again but I just wasn't listening. It was a goofy paradox, that I could laugh so hard tears started to roll down my cheeks.
Oliver, bless him, dragged me out of there before I could make a fool of myself(and before anyone could tell Ced that I was finally losing it.). I was still laughing as he carried me up the stairs to the Ravenclaw common room. The buzz was starting to wear off, but the endorphins from all the laughter felt good. And I was terrified that if I stopped laughing, I would start crying. He set me on my feet and I gasped, clutching his shoulders and beaming at him.
"Thanks…" I gasped between fits of giggles, going on my tiptoe's to kiss him. It felt good, because in this inebriated state of mind, I could kind of fudge the details a little bit and imagine it was Cedric. Kissing Oliver before had just been kissing, this was all out snogging. His lips were eager on mine and I deepened the kiss, ignoring all ethical considerations. He tried to pull away then, suddenly not so eager. It was definitely taking every once of his strength not to keep kissing me in the corridor, that was obvious.
"No," He groaned and tried to pull his head back, succeeding. "You're not even fully conscious."
"I didn't have too much drink to butterbeer!" I exclaimed, eager to kiss him again. He easily restrained me and I sighed, slumping back against the again. This made me laugh.
"You'll be okay?" I snorted at Oliver's concern and slapped him playfully in the shoulder.
"I'm fine, Olive. Don't worry." I hiccupped, tweaking the tip of his nose. I turned and grabbed the door knocker and slammed it down. The beak of the eagle opened and uttered it's question:
"Name for me a feeling in which one rejoices at the same time they grieve?" It asked. I wondered vaguely if the knocker could read minds.
"Love." I laughed and the door swung open for me. Irony at it's best.
~*~
I dragged myself up to my room and shoved the door open, collapsing on my bed. I let my feelings go then, sucking in huge hiccupping breaths and sobbing into my pillow case. I pressed my face into the pillow to muffle my scream and howled desperately, snatching my wand off the bedside table and pointed it at my throat.
"Muffliato." I croaked, then let out another scream which only I could hear. I sounded like I was dieing. Maybe there was a tiny part of me that was dieing, deep inside. This deplorable little part of me that loved Cedric in that romantic, helpless way…she had to go. She was screaming and putting up a huge fight, but she was dieing. I was the one wielding the knife, too. I had to realize that my league and Ced's were vastly different and the sphere's of our relationships did not touch.
The potion must have finally taken effect after that, because the next moment, I was curled on my side in a ball, staring out the window. My throat ached and my mouth felt dry. Life wasn't fair. I punched my pillow and groaned. There was a loud pounding then that made me jump and I heard Jedda's voice from the stairwell.
"Findabhair!? DINNER!"
"Bugger off," I muttered softly under my breath, yanking the covers over my head.
"Dinner!" She shouted again, running up the stairs.
"I'm not hungry!" I croaked, coughing hard. Her steps paused outside the door and she opened it and walked inside.
"You sound like crap." She said quietly, more quietly then Jedda ever said anything. She reached out to touch my shoulder and I shrugged away.
"I'm sick," I gasped. "It's okay, Jedda, just a cold."
"You want me to smuggle anything up here for you?" She asked.
"Fine." I sniffled, coughing again. "Just need some sleep."
"Well…okay, then. Goodnight." She got up and left.
"Goodnight, Jedda." I breathed softly, letting Susan's sleeping draught drag me down into an uneasy slumber.
"Did she stun herself to sleep again?" Valerie's anxious voice muttered from somewhere to my left. I heard someone rolling out their blanket and sighing.
"She looked dead when I came in to check on her before dinner." Jedda murmured, her voice slightly muffled.
"She can't keep doing this to herself, I'm really worried…" Val's voice trailed off and then something slammed down hard on her bedspread. "Cedric Diggory is such an insensitive arse!!"
"Shush, you'll wake her up." Danica said calmly from the window-seat.
"She needs to wake up! Why can't everyone just wake up!?" Val snapped at her angrily and I heard her flop down onto her bed below me in defeat.
"It's too painful to wake up for some people, the only way they stay sane is to sleep." Danica climbed into the hammock she'd strung up from the corner of one bed to the window ledge.
"Fin is not insane, unlike some people who believe in 'babgils'. For God's sake, your as bad as Loony-"
"Val, just leave her alone." I sighed, curling tighter into a ball on the top bunk.
"Fin?!" Jedda and Val gasped in surprise.
"I told you." Danica spoke softly from her hammock and rolled over to face the glass dome ceiling.
"Can one of you stun me this time?" I asked bitterly, pulling my wand out from under my pillow and setting it on the shelf beside my bed. How pathetic I was, how selfish.
"It's bad for you, it's not actually sleep." Valerie stood up and gripped the edge of my bed, peering at my tear streaked face. "It's like your hyper-alert with your eyes closed-"
"I'll do it to myself then, shall I?" I took my wand and pressed it to my forehead, mentally preparing myself for the instant blackout. It was always a shock, like getting punched in the stomach. Valerie sighed and pulled out her wand, glaring at me as she pressed the tip of it to my chest.
"Thanks." I whispered.
"Hey! Wait a second, Fred and George gave me something to give to you, so you could test it for them! It comes with a note." Jedda said quickly, scrambling out of bed to give me what looked like a butterbeer bottle full of a swirling, pearlescent pale blue potion.
"What is that?" I asked, actually interested despite my depression.
"Cool! Drink it! Chug, chug, chug!" Valerie said, trying to take it from my grasp. That sounded more like her normal self.
"Right." I snorted and pushed her head back with the palm of my hand.
"They sent you a note, too. I tried to open it, but it bit me." Jedda said guiltily, handing me the folded bit of parchment. Along the creases there were jagged cutouts which clenched into a fang-like position as it traded hands. As soon as I tried to open it, however, it popped open peacefully and I read the rough handwriting.
Hey Fin! Got another product for you to try(don't worry, we tested it on each other first and we're still okay!) Wait to use it until your in a boring class and don't you dare think about dumping it down the sink.
Thanks~ F. & G.
P.S. Don't bother asking what it is, we won't tell you.
"Okay, you can stun me now." I folded up the note and tucked the bottle into the cupboard slotted into the wall at the head of my loft bed. I lay back against the pillows and shut my eyes. "Nigh-"
"Stupefy."