Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.

Author's Note: Thank you for reading and commenting. This song, "Fear" by Sarah McLachlan is simply beautiful, I listened to it a lot when I wrote this chapter, the song really moves, I don't know how to explain it really. Take a listen if you have the means.

Lyrics for Sarah McLachlan's, "Fear":

Morning smiles
Like the face of a newborn child
Innocent unknowing
Winters end
Promises of a long lost friend
Speaks to me of comfort

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing Id like
Better than to fall
But I fear I have nothing to give

Wind in time
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine
Nothing yields to shelter it
From above
They say temptation will destroy our love
The never ending hunger

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing Id like
Better than to fall
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to lose...

Chapter 6 – Fear – Part 1 of 4

As I stood at the Nurses' Station giving myself one final review of the copious notes on my patient's death, dotting every "i" and crossing every "t" before handing in the last of the paperwork – every stroke of my pen meant something, this was the end of her story – the end of her journey. The loss of life was palpable; the pain of losing a patient was too real sometimes, especially when it may have been prevented. My heart sank into my chest; I could find no solace from the events of the day, a small piece of me was lost too – and later I would have the chance to rejuvenate – but for the moment there was a void.

I know as a surgeon, we aren't supposed to become emotional over patients, but human compassion is a must, otherwise why do it at all? So an emotional connection on some level is inevitable really, even if my patient was a stalker whack job, she was still a woman who had been in love, only her timing was way off and I more than knew what that felt like. I lay my pen down on the counter and massaged my temples, I was suddenly exhausted. I wanted to go home, but I couldn't dare myself to move for some reason.

I didn't want to be alone tonight, I just didn't. Nights alone were the worst.

My head was full with random thoughts that flew around my brain like an unyielding meteor shower ping, ping, ping – the death cluster … superstitions … Addison and her juju … Burke and his lucky scrub cap – it all seemed so completely ridiculous to me.

I would have to remember this one day, years from now, when I myself might have a luck ritual of my own. I would have to remember that bad or good juju aside, when your number is up, it's up and there probably isn't too much you can do to avoid it. I mean, look at me; I'm living proof of that with my narrow escape of death, it must mean something. Even with life-giving surgeries, something else had to be on the side of good to have our desired result come to fruition … to survive, to persevere, to live through it.

And then it hit me again out of nowhere – I'm living my second chance – I could be dead right now, so what would be my outcome, my life-altering outcome? How could I change my course, my destiny, my fate so this all meant something, so Dylan's death would not be in vain? Was I doing him justice so far? Fear crippled me because if I really went after what I wanted, I would have far more to lose, but given the second chance, I had no choice but to try.

I was quite sure I would be haunted with sudden impulses to monitor my life and my choices for quite some time, that I could be doing some completely mundane task like laundry or taking a shower and be overcome by the need to think about Dylan or the incident and take stock of what I had accomplished since that day. I honestly hope I never forget that I'm living my second chance.

I looked up and saw Addison out of the corner of my eye. Shit. She was dressed to go home or her hotel or wherever she was staying. She was wearing a pair of ridiculous shoes, her flawless alabaster skin glowed despite the ugly florescent lights and her long red hair sashayed behind her, just gloating with untamed beauty.

She held two coffee cups, no doubt filled with more juju and walked carefully towards me. I have to admit, it wasn't too terrible working with her this morning. I could see in her eyes that she seemed relieved – although not the perfect word for it – she did seem a bit more relaxed, like she wasn't trying as hard or something. After all, everyone knew what she did to Derek, she had a lot to overcome since she got here and I could only imagine that conceding might have been difficult on some level. She had lost her battle, although from the moment he chose her, in the back of my mind even I knew their magic was lost. At any rate, she was tolerable and like I've said before, one hell of a doctor and really hard to hate.

My heart sped up as she approached; a litany of thoughts slammed my already tired brain … I had to wonder: was she still okay with me? She was nice this morning, I reasoned, but now was she planning to toss one of those cups of scalding hot liquid in my face? Bad juju was abound after all.

I turned slightly; trying to avoid eye contact with her and my vision was clouded with Derek's piercing blue eyes. He scanned my face from across the counter and his eyes smiled, he winked, how long had he been there? He smiled again and I returned one in kind. He was dressed to go home too; he looked worn out, but good. He walked around the counter, never shifting his eyes from mine.

"Hi," was all he said.

"Hi," I choked out.

"Are you okay, Meredith, I heard about your patient," he offered, his eyes sad from the loss of his own patient.

"I'm sad, I'm … I'll be fine, you remember what it was like when you were an intern, does it ever get easier?" I asked, praying he would say it yes.

"Not easier, you just adapt, become accepting to saving most lives and losing some, you'll be fine over time," he smiled weakly.

"Promise?" I squeaked out.

"Promise," he reassured me with another small smile, one meant just for me and suddenly I was lost in his gaze.

"Hey," I heard Addison's forced-friendly voice behind me. I turned with haste to greet her, faltering as I did … I had all but forgotten about her and her cups of juju.

"Hey," I said, because what else was there to say.

"I'm sorry to hear about your patient," she offered with honest sympathy.

"Thank you, Addison," I said on auto-pilot as she handed a cup of the juju cocoa to me for the second time in twenty-four hours.

Addison turned to Derek as he stood next to me. At first he seemed to take a protective stance to intervene, pounce, or punch if need be, but instead they both seemed oddly – okay – for lack of a better word.

"Here you go, Derek," she said with a tight smile.

"Thank you," he said sincerely as he took a sip.

"Well, I'm off, I'm heading back to New York the day after tomorrow," she scanned my face and then moved to scan Derek's. "Meredith, it was nice knowing you, um, well, take care of yourself and ah …him … each other, take care of each other," she rambled softly and smiled through her words while I just stood there in shock, surely raising an eyebrow.

"Don't everyone look so surprised, there isn't too much out here for me now is there?" she asked evenly.

Derek took a step forward and hugged Addison, "I'll be in touch to finalize everything, take good care of yourself Addison," he said.

"The same for you too, I mean the two of you," she said, her eyes darted to mine as she embraced him and pulled out of their hug.

My heart pounded into my chest as Derek moved out of her personal space and stood with me. She smiled curtly, but her light blue eyes were warm and gentle.

"See you around, this was all you ever wanted Derek, Seattle will be good to you," she said.

"Yeah, I think so," he smiled, the twinkle returning to his eyes.

"Bye Addison," I said and then she turned her back to us.

The automatic doors opened via their sensors and she was gone, into the Seattle night, just like she arrived all those months ago.

Derek placed his hand on the small of my back; the heat radiated from his touch and warmed my whole body from the inside out. I turned slightly and looked him square in his eyes, he wore an expression … what was it – relief, sadness, grief, and liberation – something like all of that mashed together.

He held up his cocoa. "Cheers," he said breathlessly, his eyes sparkled albeit the dim lights. I mock-toasted my cup to his and we both took one last sip, making sure not to diss that juju, especially considering the source from which it came.

I smiled and Derek took my cup from me and tossed them both in a nearby trashcan. Suddenly, I had an idea.

"I, um, know this place where there's an amazing view of the sunrise over the ferryboats," I offered with a knowing smile. "We can stop and get some wine on the way there."

"I have a thing for ferryboats," he smiled, his eyes suddenly shining.

"I remember," I said with a smile. "I'll drive, although I doubt we'll make it until sunrise," I teased.

And then we turned to walk out of the hospital, together, and as we did Derek's knuckles grazed mine and I was shocked by the current that ran from my hairline all the way down to my toes, suddenly weak in the knees, my heart went completely nuts as we crossed the threshold into the cool night air.

Temptation was raw in the air and I had no plans to fight it, at least for this moment in time.

Chapter 6 – Fear – Part 2 of 4 to follow.