Drowning
Chapter 10 – Forever
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Summary: Some choices change us forever. But forever is a foreign concept to most.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.
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Blair's nails cascaded against the limo window, her tapping the only sound.
There were no words. Words weren't necessary. All that had happened spoke for itself.
She was numb, cold. It was a feeling that she couldn't explain further and it was a feeling that she deeply hated. But lately, it had kept on returning, turning her blood into ice.
She didn't know what to say. Her mind couldn't form one coherent sentence. He said nothing. So there was no conversation. She wasn't sure if she liked it that way.
She returned with him to the Palace once more. She didn't know why she did; she desperately wanted to go home, where she'd be alone.
So as soon as they got into the suite she grabbed her things and walked out of the door.
She turned around once, but when she saw that he had not followed her, she was satisfied and kept on moving.
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She had gone straight upstairs into her room, and then the bathroom. The place seemed unsanitary, soiled, now. She had instructed Dorota not to enter it under any circumstances. This place was different now.
She finally took the wastebasket and emptied the twelve tests out. She couldn't look at them anymore. They were some type of mark on her. She would never be the same.
Once she had done the dirty deed, she just lay on her bed and thought. After a while, she closed her eyes. She wanted to dream of a place far away from the one she was standing in.
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There was light, only light in this place. Peaceful, serene. The type of escape she needed.
She was dancing with him, ever so slowly, to no music. It was the type of moment one could never forget.
He looked amazing, and she felt amazing. It was a rarity she could only find in a dream.
He was holding her close, tight, as if not wanting to let go. She didn't want to let go.
It only spelled out one concept, one that she had never thought of, at least, not about them.
Them, together forever.
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When she woke up, she pondered the idea and decided that it would never happen.
Things were too different now. She had changed, and in her eyes, she had changed for the worse.
He couldn't possibly want her. He only took pity on her.
He took pity on her because she had gone to such extremes, obviously for him.
She finally broke out of her numb state as she felt a tear slide down her cheek, another one following in tandem.
She needed a good cry. She just wanted to feel.
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Once a few hours had gone and her cell phone rang one too many times, she got up from her bed and took a few breaths.
She looked in the mirror. Standing there was the ghost of her former self. She wanted to touch her. She wanted to be her again. But there was just the image, not the girl. That Blair Waldorf had disappeared.
And she cried yet again, wanting to scream out, wanting to be Blair Waldorf again. But no one would hear her.
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Her eyes were bloodshot and throbbing once another hour had passed. It was getting dark outside and her heart broke with the darker streaks in the sky.
She had to get it all out. She was cried out. There had to be something else.
She searched behind her pillow and found a leather bound book. It was empty; she had yet to write in it.
She supposed now would be a good time to start.
She took out her red pen and began scribbling her fury, her tears, everything.
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Once she had written on four pages, she closed the book and placed it behind her pillow once more.
She was numb once again, her feelings all written down.
She was searching for happiness but she didn't know where to find it.
So she just waited after that. She waited for something magical to happen.
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He arrived at around nine o'clock, his face frozen.
He seemed as numb as she was, until he opened his mouth.
"Please, just talk to me." He was pleading with her, trying to find some feeling in her, looking for something that wasn't there.
But she spoke because he asked her to.
"I just don't know what to say."
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He sat on her bed and situated himself a bit before speaking again.
"I don't know what we're doing, Blair," He sighed. "I'm just lost."
"I can't help you there." She said abruptly.
He made a bold gesture and grabbed her hand.
"You know I'd do anything for you."
She didn't know how to respond to that. Her eyes were still bloodshot, intense as ever.
"I had a dream a couple of hours ago." She said softly
He seemed genuinely interested, his head snapping up.
"We were just dancing to no music. And there was light everywhere." She finally cracked a smile. "It was the first time…"
"What?"
"It was the first time I actually thought about forever for us." She closed her eyes again and tried to recapture the impossible dream.
He nodded, his jaw tightening as he thought about the statement.
"Look, I don't want you to think that I need your help." She stiffened again. "I don't."
"But I want to help." He was pleading again. "Please."
"This is my choice." She said abruptly. "I'm not looking for anyone to save me."
"I know that." He accepted the terms. "But can't we try to make this work?"
She just shook her head slowly as more tears fell. "I don't know if I can do this."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm…" She gulped. "I'm just waiting for the day that you'll realize you don't want me. It's just going to happen all over again."
That was the first moment they both realized what an impact this choice would make. This was their future. This was everything. There was no going back.
"I'm not going to leave you."
He wiped her tears, his attempt to try to reach out to her.
"You promise?" Her voice broke.
She realized she was still holding his hand.
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Author's Note: And there ends another chapter. I know I'm really slow at updating, but I'm really trying as his fic is becoming tedious for me. And that's just not good.
That book is going to appear again. It's actually going to play a big role in a few chapters, so stay tuned.
Reviews, please! They keep me going (even though sometimes I don't want to). Thanks, Cass