Chapter 10
For the first time in all her years at Avalon Records Santana strolled passed the security guard and out the door at 5 pm.
"Ms. Spencer?" the older Hispanic guard asked with a curious cock of his head. "Going to get coffee?"
Santana shook her head, "Javier, it's Lopez now." she sighed,
every time she thought. "I'm actually leaving for the day." He looked shocked, Santana Lopez never left at 5:00pm. Never.
"Are you sick, ma'am? I mean, you never go home at a normal time you're usually the last person out." He was worried about the young woman.
"I'm fine, I just have to go see some people." She said as she walked out waving goodbye to him. She walked the few blocks to the Hospital where Jesse was. All day she had had a bad feeling and she needed to see Rachel, to see the kids, to see Jesse so it would go away. She headed to his room and poked her head in side. No one was there but Jesse. A chill ran through her body as she entered the stale hospital room. "Hey Jesse." She said softly as she moved closer to him.
His eyes opened slowly. He had trouble focusing on her - he always did these days - but he smiled vaguely at the sound of her voice. It was a bit before he could remember who she was - it was harder for him and he got confused to easily that it often frustrated him - but eventually his hand twitched towards her and fumbled at her hand to squeeze if faintly. "'Tana..." his voice was soft, barely more than a whisper and almost hard to hear even in the quiet of the room, "hello."
"Hey." She smiled softly, sitting down in the chair next to him. "You okay?" She asked as she watched him. She felt how cold his hand's were, how translucent he had become. "Where is Rachel and the kids?" She asked, it was unlikely for them to not be here.
"Mom took them," he paused for a moment to catch his breath, brow furrowing as he struggled to remember the hazy details, "out." He finally responded with a vague shrug and a helpless smile. "Things are..." his eyes closed for a moment and for a long minute it seemed like he might have fallen back asleep, but eventually his eyes opened again and he seemed to look directly at her instead of past or through her, "soon, 'Tana. Not much longer. Tired."
Santana watched him and nodded, "It's okay." She whispered, "You fought so hard." she whispered, as she holds his hand. "So hard, Jesse. You made a beautiful family who will miss you, but understand that you have to leave them now. They don't want you to hurt anymore." She whispered as she looked up at the heart monitor noticing the change in his vitals. She hoped Rachel would come quickly.
Jesse nodded slowly, his eyes remaining trained on Santana. "Always thought Finn would... take care of Rachel after I was... gone." A little smile twitched his thin, dry lips, "Glad it's you instead. Won't let her cry forever, right?" His heartbeat picked up slightly as he fought for breath for a moment, but still seemed to go slower than a normal heartbeat should, "I can see... might be dying, but I can still see..." he squeezed her hand, smiling vaguely as his words trailed off to let him focus on just breathing for a bit.
Santana was confused, what could he see? "What do you mean, Jesse?" she asked as she moved closer. "I promise. I promise I will try to help her. I promise." Her head was spinning. What did Finn have to do with this? She tried to not dwell on it as she turned back to him. "I'll help her."
It took almost another two minutes before he slowly opened his eyes again and nodded, "Good. I want her to be... happy 'Tana." He raised one hand to rest on his chest as if it could help him breathe, his nostrils flaring slightly with each slow breath, "you make her happy. As..." he blinked slowly, "as long as you make her happy, it's okay. I give my blessing."
He smiled at her and one eye drooped in something like a wink - a hint of his old Broadway flair for dramatics showing through, "Just take care of her and my little ones." His breath rasped in the still room, only the soft chirp of the heart monitor interrupting the stillness - the steady green line showing longer spaces between spikes as the end approached, 'Promise me you'll take care of them, Santana. I need to know they'll be loved." The grip of his chilly hand on hers tightened suddenly and for a moment, he seemed 100% there and focused entirely on her waiting for her answer.
She was trying to process what he was saying. Did he think? Did he think that she and Rachel... were cheating on him? "Jesse. Rachel and I are... we're friends. We wouldn't! We wouldn't have.. she's with you." She whispered softly. "I care about them so much. I promise that I'll love them. I promise that." She nodded and she held his hand. "I'll care for them."
He seemed to relax at her promise, like one last burden was lifting off of his shoulders. "I know." He whispered, "Rachel is sweet and loyal and she wouldn't, but I can see, 'Tana, and it's okay. If it happens," he squeezed her hand, that quiet smile back on his lips, "when it happens. It's okay. I won't be mad as long as you make her happy."
His words trailed off and his breathing slowed back into that strange very slow pattern from the quicker - almost normal - pace it had gained while they spoke. His eyes watched her though. "She deserves happiness, Santana." His voice had softened again, the fire that had made him seem almost healthy had faded, "I just want her to be happy because I love her..."
His eyes blinked slowly, each closed phase lasting a little longer than the last. It was hard for him to stay awake, but he wanted to see his family one last time before the end. It was all he wanted, so he held on. "Don't let the little ones see me go..."
"They'll be here soon. Just hold on a bit longer okay?" She whispered, "Come on, J. Please." She looked around breathing a sigh of relief when the family comes in. She looks at Rachel sadly and motions for her to come closer and sit down after she vacated the chair. "Jesse? Rachel and the kids are back..."
Jesse's eyes open slowly, taking in his family with a soft smile, "Hi..." he croaked, Rachel automatically taking his hand as he spoke, her eyes bright, but she didn't cry, "let the children come up. I want to hug them."
Rachel nodded almost jerkily, reaching down to lift first Kayla - though she wasn't sure she'd be able to do so for much longer - then Cale to snuggle into their father's side. Kayla immediately wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tight, tears trickling down her cheeks. "Don't go, Daddy," she whispered. Cale didn't say anything, but his hand tightened in the fistful of blanket covering his father's chest and he blinked quickly.
"I'm sorry, angel," Jesse whispered, leaning down to kiss her head - the simple gesture took so much effort that he trembled when he finally relaxed back into the bed after blessing his son with the same gesture, "I don't want to."
"Then don'!" Cale finally shouted, turning to bury his face in his father's side as if he wouldn't really be crying, "Don' go! Can see he'ven other time!"
He reached up with a shaky hand to tug his son closer. "I have to, tiger. I'm sorry. I love you both so much. Daddy will always love you more than anything or anyone."
"I miss you," Kayla whispered, squeezing him tight like she knew she wouldn't have a chance again.
"Miss you... too." Jesse's breathing had slowed again and his eyes drooped closed as he fell asleep, his children snuggled into his side.
Santana reached out and took Rachel's hand. She wrapped her arms around her shoulders and held her as they watched the kids. She held her tightly and whispered that it's going to be okay into her ear. She didn't believe it herself in that moment, but she needed to say it.
The Latina watched Cale and Kayla as she blinked away tears at their pain. She knew that Jesse was going to pass away in a matter of hours, but more likely minutes. Santana sniffled and spoke into Rachel's ears.
"I'll take them out... You need to say goodbye."
Rachel had leaned back into the comfort of Santana's embrace, but she nodded and stepped forward when Santana offered to take the children away. Jesse and her had discussed this, and they agreed that it would be better for the children not to see their father pass on. She swallowed and bent down to lift Kayla. "Come on, little star, I need you to go with Santana now for a little while, okay?"
Kayla clung to her father, not wanting to be separated from him, shaking her head wildly, "No! No! Don't want Daddy to go! No!"
It took so much effort not to cry at the painful timber of her daughter's cries, but Rachel blinked back the tears and gently pulled the tantruming girl from Jesse's side, "I know, Kayla, I know. I don't him to go either, but he has to, baby girl. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."
Kayla transferred her embrace to her mother, clinging tightly, "Make him stay, Mama..."
"I wish I could, little star," Rachel whispered, kissing the side of her head, "I wish I could."
Silently, Santana moved closer and picked up Cale. She watched as he gave his father a tiny kiss on the head then crawled into the Latina's hold. He clung onto her and Santana moved closer to the door. She rocked him back and forth trying to comfort him. She watched Rachel and Kayla. She didn't know how to help, how to comfort the child bawling into her mother's embrace.
"Kayla... come give mommy a chance to say goodbye." Santana said softly, as she reached her hand out to the little girl.
Slowly, Kayla released her hold on her mom and let Rachel put her down. Rachel's eyes shimmered with unshed tears as she smiled at Santana, giving Kayla a gentle push in the Latina's direction. "Go on, now, Kayla. Be good for Santana, okay?"
The little girl nodded sadly, rubbing at the tears on her cheeks with a little fist as she stumbled over to take Santana's hand. Turning one last time to look at the almost completely still figure on the bed before they left, she raised her free hand and made a little wave, "Bye bye, Daddy. I love you." Just the effort of saying those words seemed to make her cry more and she tightened her grip on Santana's hand.
"Santana?" Rachel called out just before they left, "Could you... David and Maria are in the waiting area. Could you," her voice cracked slightly, and she coughed to clear it, "send them in?" To be with their son one last time went unsaid.
Santana nodded and led the kids out. She quietly told Jesse's parents that it was time and they quickly headed into the room. Santana took the kids to the quietest place she knew - the chapel. She sat down with the little ones and pulled them both onto her lap and hugged them tightly. "It's going to be okay." She whispered as she held the small children. "It's going to be okay."
"No," Kayla whispered into Santana's neck, holding on, "Daddy's going away." And she started crying again. Not the loud attention getting sobs more normal for a young child, but soft, wrenching sobs that shook her entire body and dampened Santana's shirt.
Cale didn't say anything just clung to Santana's side and looked up at her for reassurance before trembling and letting his own fat tears streak down his cheeks. "Want Daddy to not go 'way, Santa," he whispered, burying his face in her side.
"I know baby." She whispered, kissing his head and then Kayla's. "It sucks. But, babies you know he's not like he was. He's really sick and sometimes you have to let people you love go... It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and mommy." She cuddled them singing softly to them in the almost silent room.
In the room, Rachel sat at Jesse's side, his hand grasped in both of hers as she intently watched his face. David and Maria came in a couple moments later, gathering on the other side of his bed, David's arm reassuringly around Maria's shoulders as the older woman took their son's hand in hers, tears softly streaking her face. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Parents weren't supposed to outlast their children. Even David's strong features and square jaw were marked with the grief of seeing their only son in such a state, thin rivulets of tears of tears cutting across the lines of age on his tanned skin and soaking into his beard.
The older man reached down to grasp his son's shoulder, wanting his boy to know that he was not alone, that everyone who cares for him was with him or thinking about him in his final hour. The firm pressure on his shoulder gave Jesse the impetus to fight off the heavy curtain of sleep. He was tired. So very tired. His eyes barely opened half way and he seemed half gone already, but he smiled to see them.
"Hello, love," Rachel whispered, squeezing his hand gently and smiling at him, doing her best not to cry for the loss hanging over their heads, but to show him her happiest smile, just grateful for this final moment with him. "We're here. Rachel, your mom and dad. We're here with you. Santana is taking care of the children right now."
He smiled and there was a vague movement in his chilled hand that she decided to take as an attempt at a return squeeze, but he didn't even attempt to speak. The strength to form words had escaped him, granted to their children for a final goodbye. Rachel mourned that she'd never hear him say he loved her again, not get to hear him say goodbye, but she couldn't find it in herself to begrudge that final gift to their children.
"Oh my precious boy," Maria whispered, reaching up to stroke his cheek gently. He turned into the soft pressure of her hand, his jaw slipping slightly further in that direction as he lost the strength to hold it in place.
He was there, with them, but at the same time he was already leaving. His eyes looked past them at something none of them could see. The slow chirp of the heart monitor slowed even further, the numbers showing his blood pressure dropping as his heart slowly started to shut down. His father smiled down at him through his tears, his lips tight as he tried to resist crying, seeing his son - the little boy he'd taught to climb trees and catch a ball - so frail, but struggling to stay there with them.
"It's okay," David's voice was rough, almost inaudible under the tears choking him. He cleared his throat, swallowed, "It's okay, Jesse. You don't have to fight anymore. You can let go."
Rachel squeezed his hand, her voice soft, "You don't have to worry about us, Jesse. We'll be okay. I'll be okay. I promise I will. Just..." she swallowed softly, turning away to wipe at her eyes with one hand, "just stop hurting, love. You can sleep now. Everything will be okay."
Jesse watched her with eyes that seemed a little cloudier than before, that barely looked at her as if they couldn't see her any more. His parents watched the husband and wife's last interaction quietly, giving them both the space they needed and the support of their presence. Rachel stood awkwardly and leaned forward, not letting go of his hand, to brush her lips across his one last time.
As she pulled away, she whispered against them, "Thank you, my love, for..." she blinked back a tear, "everything. I'll miss you, but you can lay down your burdens now..."
He seemed to understand. As she sat back down, a tremble passed through him as a long breath escaped his lips. His eyes blinked slowly once, barely opening, then falling closed again.
They didn't open again.
The steady chirp of the heart monitor turned into a low drone as the line steadied, the numbers falling to zero. Maria finally released Jesse's now limp hand and turned into her husband's chest to sob softly, his strong arms wrapping around her shoulders and holding her close, his face buried in her soft brown hair as his own tears escaped him. Rachel just sat there, dry eyed, Jesse's hand still in hers, her eyes still on him.
After several long minutes, Maria gathered control of herself and turned to help her daughter-in-law only to find her still sitting there, watching Jesse as if waiting for him to move. No tear on her cheek, her expression calm, almost blank. For a moment, she reached towards the younger woman, then she let her hand fall as she looked up at her husband, who nodded. This wasn't their place. They couldn't help Rachel.
They made their way out of the room quietly, leaving their daughter-in-law alone with their son and asked at the desk where Santana and the children had gone. After being directed to the chapel, David paused in the door way, watching sadly as his wife went in to crouch before Santana, the children asleep in the Latina's arms. She carefully brushed her fingers over the woman's arm to get her attention before speaking softly, so not to wake the little ones.
"Santana?" She smiled sadly, the pain in her eyes letting her know that it had happened, "She... she needs you."
She nodded, gently kissing the kids heads before handing them over to their grandparents. Santana stood up and walked back to Jesse's room. She watched for a moment as Rachel stared at his body. She closed her eyes and prayed for the strength to give her friend, but as she waited and spoke to an undefined god she felt the empty presence of the room. Even sick, Jesse's presence and aura took up the whole room. Now... now there was a void. She walked over and stood behind Rachel, putting her hands around the woman's shoulders. She crouched down so she could hug her from behind as they watched the body.
Santana couldn't find anything to say. She just held Rachel.
As soon as Santana's hands touched her shoulders, it was as if a switch was thrown and a shudder rippled through her body. She finally released her grip on Jesse's hand and let it drop back to the bed at his side. "He's gone," she mumbled, turning slowly to face Santana with bright eyes that seemed lost and broken now, tears shimmering in the corners, "he's gone, Santana. What do I do now?"
She all but flung herself at the taller woman, arms wrapping around her neck as she finally broke down. All the pain and heartache of watching the man she loved, the father of her children, slowly waste away into nothing tore itself from her. The sobs that shook her body were silent, but no less heartrending for it. She buried herself against the Latina. All she wanted was to escape the pain of knowing Jesse was gone and never coming back. That he'd never hold her again. They'd never sing together again in the mornings, or as they played with their children.
Her youngest son would never know his father in even the dimmest memory as more than a face in a photograph or a voice on a recording.
It made her sob all the harder. She wanted him back. Wanted him to be able to see their children grow up. She just wanted him.
She wrapped her arms around the girl, lifted her up and carried her over to the tiny sofa in the room. She cradled Rachel as she cried, rocking her back and forth and whispering words of support and admiration into her ear. She stroked the girl's hair and held her tightly.
"He's gone." She whispered back, her own tears silently slipping out. She wasn't crying because Jesse's passing, but she was crying because she know how much it can tear apart a family. She was crying because Jesse on his death bed told her to take care of his family. She realized the responsibility she would be undertaking.
"Everything will be okay." She whispered into Rachel's hair. "It will be okay."
Rachel shook her head, just staying close to the person offering her comfort, "No, it won't," she mumbled into Santana's tear soaked shirt, "he's gone and i'm alone and I don't know what to do anymore, Santana."
She drew in a shaky breath and just curled closer, clinging to the other woman, "I don't know what to do without him..."