Chapter 10
Asuka awoke to somewhat familiar surroundings… The same void she had visited when her subconscious first made itself known to her, and the same fool who just happened to be floating next to her seeming to be waiting patiently for her to get her barrings straight. "What the… Okay, so I'm obviously asleep now, but how?... What did you do to me?!"
"I induced sleep is all… It's the easiest way for us to conduct our business…"
"Oh, is that what you call it?" Asuka began circling the hooded man, her suspicions of him growing. "How does one's subconscious induce sleep on a person, or appear to said person while she's awake for that matter?!"
The hooded figure did not respond right away, and for once wasn't smiling. "I suppose it's all a matter of perspective…"
"Don't give me that crap! I'm not a gullible idiot… Even if you're not my subconscious manifested, you should know that by now… Speaking of which, it would seem my hunch was right and you're not… But if your not my subconscious, then what the hell are you?!"
"Does it matter who or what I am? Is it not enough that you know I'm here to help you?"
"Of course it's not enough! I've fought Angels, lived through Instrumentality, I've piloted a giant robot housing the soul of my dead mother! You better be damn sure that I don't take anything at face value, especially from some being who can apparently waltz in and out of my dreams at will, and just happens to be privy to all my darkest fears and desires… I'm not about to participate in any more of your mind games until I know who the fuck you are, and just what the hell it is you want!"
Again, the hooded figure responded with silence before eventually rediscovering his smirk. "I suppose there's no point in pretending to be something I'm not any longer…" There wasn't any time to waste either which is what prompted his decision. "It is my own fault I suppose, for rushing into things."
The hooded man slowly removed his hood, and the face hidden underneath that hood was the last visage Asuka had expected to see. The person in front of her was a complete stranger, yet his face was so familiar that she immediately wanted to punch him in it. Those red eyes… That hair on his head, so white that it almost shined, and the pasty white skin… Basically, he looked like the brother she never knew Wondergirl had. "What the fu… Who or what the hell are you?!"
"That's not important. What is important are my intentions. Let's just say that we have a mutual friend and we both have a mutual interest in you overcoming your demons. I'd explain further, but I'm afraid our time is limited."
"Well make time then! Because I'm not moving from this spot until you tell me exactly who the hell you are?! What exactly is your rush anyway?!"
"Because I'm afraid this will be the last time I'll be able to visit you…" Asuka's eyes widened in surprise, but managed to maintain a look of firm defiance. "Tonight will be your final test I suppose you could say…"
"Final test? What's that supposed to mean?"
"I've noticed a change in you Asuka Soryu… It's subtle and completely invisible to everyone other than myself and you, but it's there… This tells me that our meetings over the past few days have been worth the effort."
"That's your opinion," Asuka growled, stamping her foot impatiently.
"I explained to you before that there wasn't anything physically I could do to help heal the scares that have so defined your life and how you associate with the people around you. All I could offer was a glimpse into your past and how you handled yourself, and did so with the hopes that you may just learn how to cope with your past and interact with others in a less… Self-destructive manor. This test is merely a way to see if any of lessons have sunk in, or if you're going to continue to let your past traumas dictate the rest of your life and how you deal with others."
Asuka did not like the sound of this. "How the hell do you expect to measure that?"
"Simple really… Well, a simple concept, but achieving the desired goal is quite a bit more laborious of a task. Tonight you're going to encounter the people who have been the most important to you in your life, as well as some of the memories that have come to define you."
"That doesn't sound so bad… Wait, there's a catch isn't there?"
You guessed it, the young man smirked. "When you encountered the images of these people, you are to tell them exactly how you feel. From you heart… Not from how rage or your pride forces you to interact with them. Things you will likely never be able to say to them in the waking world. You must face each one of them as the true Asuka Langley Soryu, rather than hidden underneath the protection of the mask you use to try to blind the world to the inner you."
"You're joking right?! That idea's so cliché, it sounds like something some fanboy would come up with for some lame-ass fanfiction!"
"That's one opinion… Though perhaps you'd be better suited to view your predicament as the opportunity that it is…"
"What you call an opportunity, I see as a load of nonsense from some creep that I'm pretty certain I can't trust anymore!
"It really never does get any easier with you does it? My, I do feel for Shinji," the pale skinned man snickered to Asuka's annoyance. "Surely you're intelligent to see how this test can benefit someone like you… Someone who has difficulty opening up to people on a personal level, and who struggles to cope with adversity and difficult memories. This format will allow you to honestly open up and express your secrets, desires, and even your grievances and all without the threat of rejection or scarring that precious pride of yours. No one is going to judge you for what you say or do in your own dream, because there will be no one else here to see or hear it. You can say what you want, however you want to say it. They won't argue, they might not even talk back. They're simply here to listen, and hopefully you'll finally be able to tell them everything you find impossible to say to them when you're awake."
When the albino man put it that way, the premise of this test suddenly didn't seem so bad… Not that she was going to let him know he was managing to sway her opinion. "Let's say, hypothetically, that I play along with your little game… What good can come of confessing anything to anyone while I'm asleep!? That doesn't mean I'll suddenly be able to be honest with everyone while I'm awake!"
"Of course it doesn't… We're talking baby steps here Asuka, not a sudden cure. Surely though, your astute mind can see the benefit in practice can't you?"
"I hate it when you try to oversimplify things… I can practice pouring my heart to some dream induced mannequin until my hair falls out, and that still won't make it any easier for me to interact with people! If there's one thing I hate, it's wasting my time killing myself trying to achieve something that's not obtainable. What exactly are you going to do if I refuse to take this little test of yours, hmm?"
"I cannot force you do anything… I've done everything within my power to help guide you, so now what you choose to do with that aide is strictly up to you. In order to change you have to first be willing to change. I shall make no further attempts to influence you in anyway… Whether you decide to learn something from this experience, or you ultimately decide this entire ordeal was a colossal waste of time is completely up to you."
"Great! Then you shouldn't have any issues with me wanting you to wake me up right this instant!"
"Sorry, I can't do that… That would be interfering. Until you wake up naturally, I'm afraid you're stuck here. If I were you, I'd take full advantage of this opportunity…. Though I suppose you'd be more inclined to pace around this empty void passing blame for being stuck here to everyone you've ever known and ever will know other than yourself. Either way, I wish you the best Ms. Soryu…"
"I'm not giving any merit to a damn thing you say until you explain to me exactly who or what you…" The cloaked man ignored her completely and started walking away towards the vast abyss. "Hey, get back here! You owe me some answers damn it!"
Asuka gave chase, but to her surprise, the image of the being who posed as her subconscious slowly began to fade away. By the time the back of his shoulder was within distance for her fingertips to reach, he was gone, her hand grasping nothing by the emptiness of her dreamscape. She stopped her sprint, and suddenly was overcome by a mild sensation of disorientation. She composed herself, but found she was no longer a figure standing alone in a vast expanse of nothing, but rather standing in the sitting room of a familiar apartment building. The one she had lived in briefly before being transferred to Tokyo 3.
"This is…" Asuka's thought was broken up by the familiar voice of a man calling out her name. "Are you ready to head out yet Red?"
Asuka's knees went weak, but by some miracle she didn't fall over. "Kaji…" He didn't give off the vibe of being a character in some lonely girl's dream at all… He looked so real it was almost frightening. Her former guardian smiled, as only he could, and adjusted the tie that Asuka had never one seen remain straight for more than a couple of minutes at a time.
"Didn't you hear me? We need to be shoving off soon. There are only a few short days before you and Unit 2 will be on that boat sailing towards the Land of the Rising Sun. There are still a lot of things we need to get taken care of…"
Asuka remained silent, still in shock over Kaji's return from the dead… Of course this was just one of her many memories of him that she was currently reliving, so it wasn't like he had actually returned to the world of the living… He just looked and sounded so damn real though, he might as well have. After what felt like a short eternity, Kaji waiting patiently for her response the entire time, Asuka finally responded with a shaky nod of her head. "Okay…"
With only a smile in response, Kaji escorted Asuka outside and to a very familiar vehicle. The very same Opel that Kaji used to escort her to the NERV Branch in Germany, to school, to the mall, or to the occasional restaurant or movie, trips that Asuka used to classify as 'dates'. It was as if the car was ripped straight out of one of her flashbacks. It even had the same stains in the upholstery, and reeked of cheap cigarette smoke.
The man behind the wheel of the car did little to pull Asuka out of the perpetual state of stunned silence she was stuck in, more than likely because he was little more than a fading memory provided to her for… Well, Asuka still wasn't sure what the hell she was supposed to do with this… Opportunity as her fraudulent subconscious had put it. Kaji would look over to her from time to time with that familiar smile, which at one point, could drive Asuka's insides to perform somersaults. She looked back at him with a look that rested somewhere between confusion and fear. Suddenly feeling the urge to look at anything other than the other occupant of the car, Asuka focused on the world that existed outside the vehicle as it sped by. It only took several minutes of observation for Asuka to notice they would travel a mile or so down the road before the scenery began repeating itself… Asuka's sharp mind soon after, surmised that this ride wasn't going to end until she was ready for it too… And damn it was she ever ready.
"Let's stop here Kaji…" she requested seemingly at random, because it was.
"Here? You sure Red?" the driver asked. "We're still nowhere near headquarters…"
"And we both know we'll never get there… Let's just stop for a few minutes and watch the sunset okay?"
"If that's my lady's wish." Kaji polished off his cheesy one-liner with a grin as he pulled off the road and up towards a hill overlooking the German countryside. Quietly, Asuka exited the vehicle and took a seat atop the hill, and waited for Kaji to join her. She no longer felt quite so overwhelmed by the situation, but remained guarded as she didn't want to lose herself in the illusion that Kaji was really there with her.
"Quite the gorgeous view isn't it?" Kaji commented before lighting up a cigarette. "I never took you for one who'd enjoy taking in the sun as it sets on the horizon."
"It's not so bad I guess…" That was an understatement. In truth, Asuka loved watching the sunset, and probably would've loved the sunrise too if it wasn't necessary to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to witness it. She enjoyed the sunset though, especially on cool spring and summer nights but had never shared this information with anyone. She didn't want to be viewed as sentimental or soft because she enjoyed something so universally viewed as romantic.
Another long silence ensued as Kaji's stand-in waited patiently for Asuka to do whatever it was she felt she need to do. The girl in question couldn't help but notice the sun wasn't getting any lower in the sky. She couldn't fight back the small smile tugging at her lips either.
"I've always wanted to watch the sunset with you like this Kaji… Of course, my vision of this moment including us holding hands, making out, and doing… Well, you could probably guess where it went from there…"
"Even though you were well aware that type of relationship was never a possibility for us." There was no indignation in Kaji's voice. He was simply stating a fact and nothing more.
"That was always part of the appeal," Asuka sniffed as she felt tears begin to well up, her memories of Kaji beginning to overcome her. "I was always so terrified of letting people get close to me, and especially that close… What better way to shield myself from getting hurt then by latching myself on to someone I knew would never even consider having that kind of relationship with me. At the same time, I could keep my pride in tact because you were too kind and considerate of my feelings to outright crush my little fantasy. My infatuation with you allowed me to present a normal front to my peers. You were my Ideal vision of what a man should be, and I was able to convince pretty much everyone at school that I was already involved with this great awesome guy, and that's the reason I wasn't interested in dating any of the boys from school…"
Asuka was realizing what a hypocrite she really was. She hated wasting time trying to obtain the unobtainable…. That's what she had said earlier, but that's basically what she'd been doing her entire life… When she entered the Eva program to win back the love and attention of a mother that was no longer aware of her existence. Convincing herself that positioning herself as NERV's top pilot was going to earn her the attention and admiration she felt she deserved, while all along being smart enough to realize that her aggressive attitude and insecurities were going to counteract all the positives she received from excelling as an Eva Pilot… Building up this grand image of herself as this beautiful, tough, intelligent, talented, and just overall superior individual… As if just by exuding confidence, everything she needed in life would just fall at her feet.
One of her worst efforts of all was her abuse of Shinji emotionally, tarring him down as much as possible as if completely destroying his self-worth would kill the intense feelings he had stirred up in her. Ha, it made her laugh now just to think about it. Her entire life she'd been trying to obtain the unobtainable, all the while forsaking what she could've had, never allowing herself to consider that just maybe she could've been happy with what she convinced herself that she didn't want.
"I've wanted to thank you Kaji…" She sniffed as she wiped the moisture from her eyes that was now falling more freely. Kaji was probably the only person she'd ever known that could stir up that kind of emotion in her, and her not feel ashamed to let it show. "You always played your roll perfectly… The caring guardian who, while you never took my advances towards you seriously, you never tried to hurt me by making me feel like my feelings weren't important or genuine because I was so much younger than you… You never once took advantage of me either like a lot of sick bastards would have. You always had the best of intentions at heart, but you never treated me like a child either… That was always so important to me. Whether it was guardian, friend, or comrade, you were always what I needed you to be when I needed you to be it…"
Asuka seemed to chock on those words, as she couldn't help but feel saddened by them. In a way, this is what truly set Kaji and Shinji apart, at least in respect to their dependability. Shinji was rarely what she needed when she needed him to be. He was always Shinji, and there didn't appear to be a lot of layers to him. To be fair, he had been getting better at it recently, and had shown flashes in the past… Still though, he just wasn't someone she could depend on, on a consistent basis, a trait Asuka highly valued. It was one of those things that just made it so difficult for Asuka to accept what her heart was trying to force-feed down her throat.
"That was my job at the time Asuka…" Kaji spoke up suddenly, pulling Asuka's train of thought back on the correct track. "And my favorite job at that. I do apologize that I could never reciprocate the romantic feelings you felt for me. The age difference was just too great, and besides…It would've been like dating my kid sister…"
Surprisingly, Asuka didn't feel the least bit upset by this. Maybe it was because she already knew this, or perhaps because she knew this wasn't actually Kaji sitting next to her… More than likely, it was because that somewhere along the line, Asuka had accepted that the intense adolescent attraction she felt for Kaji was not love despite how convinced she was back then. The crush itself had faded over the years since Kaji's death, and perhaps more prominently, she no longer needed him for camouflage. Her aggressive and bitter attitude accompanied by their peers general assumption that she and Shinji were an item behind the scenes, effectively kept away unwanted male attention. Yes, the spark he at one time could lite in her may have dimmed to a flicker, but there was one thing she could never deny… God damn did she miss that man.
Asuka never responded to Kaji… She had nothing left she needed she say to him, content with what had already been said. "I'm ready to go now Kaji… Let's go to headquarters…"
Asuka followed Kaji back to the car and sat down inside. Before she could fasten the seat-belt though, the car disappeared and Asuka found herself sitting in a darkened room of a very familiar apartment. Sitting across from her was a troubled looking Misato Katsuragi, surrounded by empty cans of beer. Of course there was no way of knowing which of her memories this scene represented at first glance. Around the Katsuragi residence, an scene such as this would typically be referred to as Tuesday. The distress on her guardians face though, hinted this wasn't one of Misatos usual party hardy drinking binges.
Now as for why Asuka was looking over at her drunken guardian was a question Asuka would really like to know. How was a brooding NERV officer, who was obviously smashed out of her mind, supposed to be of any help to her? If Misato's visage was able to see Asuka, she wasn't giving any indication that she could. The silent wait that followed was intensely uncomfortable, and increasingly annoying. Asuka wanted to say something, anything really, just to see if Misato even knew that she was in the room with her. She elected, instead, to wave her hand in front of her face, but received no reaction… The fact that she was no longer alone didn't seem to register with Misato in the least, which led Asuka to assume Misato would not be able to see nor hear her… Why the hell was she even here then?! Great, one more fucking question to add to the pile.
"I'm horrible…" Misato slurred, seemingly to the table and small fort of empty adult beverages, though seeing nothing. Asuka's head perked up, wondering if Misato had finally taken notice of her presence, but just one look at her Guardian was enough to know Misato was oblivious to the world around her… Which meant she must've been speaking to herself. "What the hell was I thinking?! Agreeing to take those kids in… I can barely take care of myself, so how could anyone possibly think I'd be capable of guiding and nurturing two teenage kids?!"
"Oh that's right…" Misato spat, as Asuka listened intently almost against her will. "I was never expected to actually raise them… My only job was to make sure they kept breathing long enough to pilot those damn Eva's just so long as the Angels were still coming… Let's just ignore the fact that they're just fucking kids! Damn you Gendo… Your own son… They deserve so much better than what they've been given… I don't give a damn if we're fighting to preserve the human race! That doesn't excuse the fact that the bastards with all the money and power have decided the future and well-being of our children doesn't matter as long as they live another day to count their damn money!... What's the point of preserving the human race if we forsake everything it means to be human in the process? What the hell are we then?!"
Asuka sat with her mouth half open. Never before had Asuka heard someone speak so openly in her defense as a person, and not just to her value to the organization she worked for.
"I have no Idea what I'm doing… I can't give these kids what they need! I can't pretend to be a mother. I have no idea where to even start! Not to mention how inappropriate that even sounds. They'd probably resent me for even trying, thinking I was trying to replace their mothers or something… I've tried being a friend, I've tried acting like a big sister, and I've even tried to go about like their commanding officer… Nothing works! Asuka seems to get angrier and more resentful of everyone as each day goes by… When Shinji first arrived, it actually seemed like I was getting him to open up at little, but with each Angel battle, which each new adversity, he seems to retreat further and further into his shell. Worst of all, I can't get those two to get along to save my life! I just don't get it, if any two people were better equipped to lean on one another considering what they've been through, than I haven't met them… They seem so determined to hate each other just for the sake of hating each other…"
"I've considered that maybe it would be best to have Asuka live with someone else, but I just can't bring myself to do it… Those kids have been abandoned or pushed to the side more times than anyone deserves, and I refuse to do that too them again!…" Misato was balling now. She hid her face behind her hand which immediately became drenched. "I'm such a failure! I can't connect with those kids for anything, and every time I send them into battle against one of those bastards I'm just pushing them closer and closer to the edge… I don't deserve to have them in my life! They'd be better off with anybody else…"
"SHUT UP!" Asuka screamed, as she slammed her fists atop the table. Misato didn't react to her at all, but that didn't deter Asuka one bit. She was nearly shaking as she spoke. "You're not a damn failure! You were the only person in that damn complex that really gave a single shit about us…" Asuka's voice calmed, unconsciously shedding a few tears of her own. "I know I give you a hard time, but I'm like that with everyone… You and Kaji were always the only two people who have ever really been there for me… Who the fuck else would even want me?! You've got the most difficult job in the world Misato! You were trying to juggle taking care of two emotionally scarred kids who you regularly had to send into combat with the fate of the human race at stake, knowing there was always a chance we might not be coming back… I know I don't act like I appreciate any of it, but I really do… Hell, I guess if anyone does deserve to drink themselves stupid I guess it would be you…"
Asuka knew by this point that Misato couldn't hear her, but wanted to finish her rant anyway. It was something she had to say, something her pride would never let her share with her guardian in the waking world. That's when Misato did something unexpected. She picked her head up off the table and stared Asuka straight in the eyes as if seeing her for the first time… Then she lit up the room with one of the brightest smile's the German girl had ever seen. It turned her slightly red to be honest, but Asuka didn't have time to dwell on it. Misato's visage rapidly displaced into a fog like substance before evaporating entirely… Asuka then found herself standing in front of an apartment door. She immediately recognized the metallic numbers nailed to the wood.
"Hikari's place…" Asuka momentarily wondered why her path would bring her here… "Oh, that's right…" Asuka remembered that things had been less than peachy between the two in recent days. It wasn't even so much because of Hikari siding with Shinji after the infamous lunchroom incident, but rather because Hikari had developed this sudden fascination with *understanding* why Asuka was the way she was… Understanding Asuka meant getting closer to Asuka than she was willing to allow Hikari to get. Long story short, Asuka's defenses went up, and the not at all subtle distancing of herself from Hikari began… Asuka was thankful that she stopped herself and let Hikari back in, though conditionally, before she pushed one of the few true friends she ever had completely out of her life.
"No point in pretending that I don't know why I'm here… Might as well play along till this nightmare is done and over with…" Allowing a nervous breath to escape her lungs, she gently tapped upon the door. Unsurprisingly, the door was answered almost immediately, Hikari standing on the other end. She appeared surprised to see Asuka, the red-head in turn was thankful Hikari could actually see her. With a saddened expression she motioned for Asuka to enter her home.
Asuka took a seat on the sofa, as Hikari prepared two cups of tea for them in the kitchen… What for she didn't know, but Asuka just couldn't turn down the offer for whatever reason. Her absence did give Asuka time to think over exactly what she was going to say to her friend, and to deduce that the two of them must've been the only two people in the home. Hikari appeared next to the German pilot out of seemingly nowhere, holding a tray that supported dual cups of tea. Asuka accepted hers with a nod… Curious, she took a drink and was surprised to note that the beverage had a taste and quite a pleasant one at that. Leaving her tea on the coffee table, Hikari sat down next to her European friend with the same look of saddened reflection as before. Asuka noticed this, and couldn't ignore it anymore as the look was too reminiscent of Shinji, which quickly got under her skin.
"Stop moping like a sad puppy already! You can at least pretend you're happy to see me…"
There was a long pause that followed, which included Hikari taking the first sip of her tea. She placed the cup back on its plate, and then she folded her hands together like a proper young lady should. "It's not that I'm not glad to see you… It's just that I've come to understand that there are usually ulterior motives involved when you come to visit me."
Asuka's brow furrowed. "What do you mean by that?"
"Oh please Asuka, you're not even the smallest bit subtle about it… You rarely call me unless it's to complain, and the only time you ever want to hang out is when you're mad at Shinji or fighting with Misato… Not that I mind being your buffer when you need me to be, but there's really little I can do when you can't even pay me the courtesy of explaining what's bothering you. Who knows, I might actually be able to help.
"Hikari, I've explained this to you already…" Asuka tried to keep her voice level. "I don't need a bunch of friends around trying to play counselor or telling me what I'm supposed to feel and do… I just need someone to be there…"
"I know, you just want a fair weather friend, right… Damn it, get a dog if you want someone trailing behind you sniffing your butt and wagging their tail! It is always about you though isn't it?!"
"What are you talking about?!" Asuka was getting visibly and audibly angry now. "How is not wanting to burden you with my personal issues selfish?!"
"It's not because you keep those burdens to yourself Asuka, it's the reason you do… You're one of the few real friends I've ever had, and I consider you my best friend and I always thought you felt the same… Seeing as you completely shut me out, and only look to me as a tool you use to help kill time, it's obvious you don't see me any differently than some random person you could've pulled off the streets and call them your friend!"
"That's not even fair Hikari! I'm more open with you than I am with anybody else!"
"That's not saying a whole lot… You're not honest with anyone… It's clear you don't value my friendship any more than you would anyone random persons… Maybe you were right to put some distance between us… If you want friends that are mindlessly going to follow you around and agree with everything you say and do, then I'm sure there's no shortage of groupies you can find who'd be willing to fill that position. I'm sorry, I just can't be that person for you. I care about you too much to act like I don't care…"
Asuka hung her head, and starting thinking to herself. She'd had this conversation before… Not with Hikari directly, but with herself. Always terrified of admitting to possible weaknesses, she struggled to come to grips with just how frightened she was at losing Hikari as a friend. In the same breath, she was terrified to let the pig-tailed girl get too close, fearing Hikari would turn on her if she came to know too much about her… Or worse yet, eventually hurt and betray her just like everyone else in her life, that she remotely cared about, had. Just like Shinji did, Hikari could stir up emotions within her that Asuka didn't typically feel. It was these feelings that the Hikari seated next to her clearly represented. That internal struggle forcing her to chose whether she wanted to risk Hikari getting too close and rejecting her, or whether she wanted to cut the girl out of her life altogether if only to say that she ended the friendship on her own terms. Neither option seemed satisfactory to her.
"What do you want to know?" Asuka asked suddenly, causing Hikari to turn to her in surprise.
"What do you mean?..."
"What do you want to know about me? You say you want to understand me? You want to know why I am the way I am?... This is your chance to ask me anything you want… I can't promise you're going to like the answers, but this is supposedly what you want…"
Hikari responded without missing a beat. "Why do you push us away? The people who care about you the most… It's almost seems like it's the people closest to you that are the most expendable…"
Damn it, already this was harder than Asuka had feared it was going to be. She knew this wasn't the actual Hikari sitting next to her, and in essence she was talking to herself, but even this knowledge didn't make opening up to her best friend any easier. All Asuka had to do was look at her and damn… It was really hard to convince herself it wasn't Hikari. Not a single freckle seemed to be out of place. "It's funny that you used the term expendable… Because that's how I feel I've been looked at by people my entire life… My mother and her doll, my father abandoning me once I became a burden to him, living in constant fear that NERV was going to wash their hands of me if I even showed the slightest hint that I might not live up to my potential! Everyone I've ever let get close to me has betrayed or forsaken me on some level… Friends who turned out to be anything but… Misato for stealing Kaji away from me, and then always preferring Shinji to me… Shinji himself for not being strong enough to give me what I really need from him… Even Kaji for never returning my feeling for him, dumping me off with that old drunk who he was also banging behind my back, and then to top it all off, he goes and dies on me…" Asuka sniffed hard as she wiped her eyes… God, she had no idea what had gotten into her, she never cried this much.
"You didn't mention me…" Hikari pointed out softly. "I've never betrayed or forsaken you…"
"Not yet you haven't… Partly because I've never allowed you to get close enough to give you the chance to… You always saw my façade whenever we hung out… The mask of the exotic foreign Eva pilot who created this grand illusion that all was perfect in my world… Then the mess in the cafeteria happened, and you caught a glimpse of the real me… Right away you challenged me, like you were already starting to turn on me… Then, like a good friend does you wanted to try and understand me… That scared the living hell out of me, because I was afraid you wouldn't like the real me… Then you'd turn your back on me like everyone else, so I decided to push you away instead. That way, I could hurt you before you had the chance to hurt me… God, now that I'm thinking about it, I never realized what a lousy friend I really am…"
Asuka laughed, but there was zero merriment behind it. Hikari remained serious with her response. "I'm not those other people Asuka… I've never done anything to hurt you, and you know I never purposely would!"
"You're missing the point though! I used to have those same thoughts about most of those other people too… That they would never do anything to hurt me, and the only thing they all have in common is that they all found a way to hurt me… It's not you, so don't take it personally… It could be anyone else in your shoes, and I'd be just as wary of them… When you've been burned as many times as I have, you learn to keep your hands as far away from the flames as possible…"
Hikari looked solemn, as if starting to feel sorry for her…"Those people must've done some pretty awful things to you if they're still affecting your relationships with people now…"
"Some of them did… But only one truly mattered…"
"Who exactly was that?"
Asuka hesitated, again forgetting this wasn't actually Hikari sitting next to her. There didn't seem to be any reason not to tell her, Asuka was on a roll after all. "Do you remember when I told you that my Mom committed suicide when I was four?"
"Of course… How could I forget?"
"Well, that's only part of the story… What I never told you was that I was the one who found my mother after she hung herself…" Asuka felt no satisfaction at the sound of Hikari's gasp. "Not only that, but she'd strung up the doll she replaced me with right next to her… That one incident, in all honestly, has defined my entire life up until this point… Every fucked up thing I do, everything relationship I've ruined or never had is because of that one incident. That one fragment in time… You want to understand me Hikari, that right there is all you need to understand…"
"Oh Asuka…" Hikari's smile managed to look sympathetic and warm at the same time. "Why would you think I could possibly hate you over something like that?"
"Because it's made me a vindictive, angry, emotionally damaged bitch whose incapable of having a healthy relationship with another human being that isn't built around some childish fantasy!…"
"You have a healthy relationship with me… And nothing is going to change that, and I'm damn sure not going to let you drive me away… And before you go on some tangent about your past and how it's made you who you are, just stop because I don't care about any of that. What's happened in your past is your business, and I'm not going to judge you for it. All I care about is what you do in the future because I know just what an awesome and amazing person you can and will be Asuka."
This was strange… Asuka could almost hear the real Hikari saying those exact words… Thus she couldn't help but smile at them. "Thanks Hikari… It does feel good to hear you say that…"
"Of course it does, because you know I mean it… That's the kind of thing friends do for each other… Or at least try to do for each other when the other's not shutting them out…"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it…" Asuka said meekly. She showed no irritation nor anger, and in fact actually started to laugh. Hikari stared at the red-head momentarily before joining her with a soft snicker of her own. The two friends sat there for a moment or two quietly, when Hikari finally turned back to her dearest friend.
"I think it's time you go home now Asuka… He's waiting for you there."
"Who's waiting?…" Asuka stopped herself, recognizing quickly how stupid that question was. Her facial features suddenly tensed as she got serious. She nodded to her friend in thanks, and sat up from the couch. She started walking as if she knew exactly what was going to happen. Sure enough, Hikari's apartment disappeared and she found herself back in her apartment… In fact, right in front of the door sporting a little sign that read 'Shinji's Lovely Suite'. A Tsunami of dread threatened to drag her back into the sea, but it was lucky for her that her stubbornness to admit Shinji could so easily influence her emotions was significantly stronger than any natural disaster.
Or perhaps the gap wasn't so drastic… Perhaps they were closer to even actually. It's not like she was afraid to face Shinji, let alone a faux version of the dork, it was just that she wasn't quite prepared. Maybe if she had a day or two to ready herself, so she would know exactly how she wanted to attack this conversation with him, then maybe she wouldn't feel quite so apprehensive about it… She wasn't afraid, not at all… There was no way she was intimated by him. Not in the least… Damn it…
She could try and rationalize her feelings on the subject all night long, but that wasn't going to make this encounter any easier. Asuka decided the time for excuses was over… Maybe it was time to finally admit dealing with Shinji was more of a challenge than she ever dared to admit…
"No fuck that… Just open the damn door already, and let's get this bloodbath over with…"
Asuka reached for the doorknob… Then paused, pulled her hand back, then back to the door again, hesitated again, and finally just growled in frustration. "Damn it, I can do this!"
"I'm over here Asuka."
As if his words were made of ice, they seemed to freeze Asuka on the spot. After shaking the icicles off, she warily made her way to the sitting room, where Shinji was on the floor doing just that. He looked towards her warmly wearing a smile that held no hint of sadness. It was simply warm and inviting, and for some reason it made Asuka blush. Shaking the feeling off, she put on her game face and stomped over to Nega-Shinji as she now decided to dub him. Asuka towered over him, her hands on her hips as if waiting for him to do or say something profound. He did nothing but look up at her with the same inviting smile. That smirk was really starting to piss her off.
"Well! Are you going to say something baka, or are you just going to sit there like a stoner?!"
"I'm not planning on saying anything Asuka, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to listen and nothing more…"
"Oh yeah?!" Asuka snapped, almost feeling like she was being challenged. "What exactly are you expecting me to say?!"
"Whatever it is you want to say to me. Tell me exactly how you feel. Do you love me, do you hate me, or do you wish I never came back from Instrumentality? You can say or do unto me whatever you like. I will not respond, I will not get angry or emotional, and most importantly, I won't run away…"
Asuka pondered what the faux Shinji had said. "So, I can say or do anything I want to you and you won't react? Say, if I decided to strangle you right this second, you'd just sit there and stare at me with the same stupid ass smile?"
"Well, I can't promise I can hold the smile while you choke the life out of me, but I won't try to stop you, no. You can inflict any punishment on me you see fit."
"Oh, I can think of a few…" Asuka smirked evilly. "Now stand up baka!"
Shinji complied immediately. Asuka looked the fake Shinji up and down… Good God did he look like that idiot… Which made it so much easier for her to do what she did next...
She reared back her fist and planted it on the side of Ikari's jaw. If the boy had been real, he'd been spitting out teeth, or if not conscious perhaps even swallowing them. Instead, the only satisfaction Asuka received was a surprised grunt and the sound of his body hitting the ground. As promised, Shinji merely sat back up and looked up at her, awaiting whatever further torment she had in store for him… Asuka certainly wasn't done with him that was for sure. Asuka pounced on the boy, knocking him back to the ground, straddling his stomach. Grabbing the collar of his shirt, she slammed the back of his head against the floor and held him there. Shinji braced himself as her free hand rested just below his throat, fearing Asuka was going to make good on her threat to choke the life out of him…. Instead though, she simply held him in place as her eyes blared hatred towards his person.
"You want to know how I feel about you idiot?! I hate you! I hate everything about you! You're a whinny, cowardly wimp, you're selfish, a pushover, and you've never encountered a problem you didn't think you could solve by running away from it! You've bested me at every aspect of being an Eva Pilot when you never even wanted to pilot the damn thing, and you're so oblivious at times it's near maddening!"
Asuka stopped ranting if only to breathe. Her face was red with exasperation, and Shinji wondered if she was now prepared to go in for the kill. Oddly enough, she seemed to calm as her grip on his collar loosened. He was almost shocked to see tears begin leaking from her eyes. Nothing major, but witnessing even one or two from the head-strong German was a borderline wonder of the world.
"Then you go do something like pull my ass out of a volcano while risking serious damage to yourself… You make me breakfast in the morning for no other reason than because you wanted too, even when I show no appreciation for it… Then you defended me after Instrumentality when some of the big shots at NERV wanted to replace me… Then you forced yourself in my room on the anniversary of the worst day of my life, refuse to leave, and make me suffer through you companionship, because for once you finally saw through me when I demanded that I wanted to be alone… All of the sudden, the boy I was so convinced would never be there when I needed him, now seemed to be there every time I turned around… Whenever I close my eyes at night to try and sleep, and you were usually there in my dreams too when I finally did get to sleep. Suddenly, I look at you and have to wonder if maybe you weren't so bad after all, but then you'd immediately do something to make me remember the spineless wimp you always were… You get me so fucking confused! It's infuriating!"
Asuka's grip on the boy's collar tightened. She was actually chocking him a little at this point, but Shinji showed no signs of discomfort… He simply continued to stare up at her, the look on his face as neutral as Switzerland. He knew Asuka wasn't done, and his only purpose was to listen. Asuka's body as a whole began to feel weak, and mercifully her grip on his collar loosened. "I wish I never met you… In the same breath though, I'm afraid to think of where I might be right now if I hadn't… Probably back in Germany laying in some gutter somewhere after losing my usefulness to NERV…I'm not even really sure why I think that way, or why it's become so damn hard to imagine my life without you in it. At the very least, you've always given me something to strive for, whether it was trying to be a better pilot than your or just trying to get your attention."
Asuka chocked on these words as those and the next would be some of the hardest she'd have to say. Her body continued to weaken to a point where she could barely hold herself over top of him. She was forced to release his collar, allowing her arms to fall to the ground beside Shinji's head. "I'm pathetic… Why would someone like me be so concerned over the opinion of a twerp like you?…" Asuka laughed. "There was a time I really did believe most of the nasty things I said about you, and my pride would just never allow me to admit I was wrong about you, not even a little bit…. I used to be so certain of what I wanted out of life before I met you Shinji, but now I can't see the point to any of my potential accomplishments if I don't have you… I have to try though, because I know anything more than what we have together now just isn't going to be possible. I'm too damn pigheaded to tell you myself, and you're just not strong enough to initiate things yourself… Now that damn Aeri's in the picture, and all I can do is fucking watch as you slip away from me for good…"
What remained of the German girl's strength evaporated, and she fell limp atop the boy she'd been straddling. What little strength she did have left she devoted to keeping herself from crying, though with only partial success. Shinji did something unexpected… He reached his arms around her back and pulled her closer to him if that was at all possible. Asuka's first instinct was to rip away from him and start punching and screaming, but her secondary instincts couldn't find the point in bothering. She was still, however, curious over the action. "What are you doing?"
"I'm holding you as you would've liked Shinji to hold you in a similar situation… As unlikely to admit to that as you are."
Asuka might've blushed if she hadn't already lost all sense that any of this might be real. "What's you deal?... I thought you said you were only here to listen, not to feel me up like some perv…"
"I don't know…" the faux Shinji answered honestly. "Something compelled me to comfort you and I couldn't bring myself to resist… This may be your dream, but I'm still in essence a projection of Shinji… I have to say that I find your lament of your feelings puzzling. It almost sounded like you were saying you hated me because you can't completely hate me…"
"What's so confusing about that?… Makes perfect sense to me." Asuka sat up, still straddling the boy. Her face was void of emotion as she looked down at him. "You were never what I wanted… Well, at least what I devised I wanted in my head, but my heart decided it didn't care what I thought… It keeps pulling me towards you while the rest of me is desperately trying to run in the other direction…"
"Any chance you'll stop running someday?"
"Maybe if you'd done a little chasing, I could've stopped running a long time ago," Asuka countered as she stood up. "This is pointless…"
"Why makes you say that?" He sounded almost defensive as he sat up.
"I understand what these dreams were trying to do with Misato and Hikari, those made sense… This though, it's not going to change anything with me and Shinji. This isn't some cheesy made for TV movie where I'm going to wake up in the morning and everything is suddenly going to fall into place. More than likely, I won't even be able to look Shinji in the eye come morning, he'll get concerned about it, and I'll just wind up getting pissed off about that… In the end, we'll just end up worse off than we were before… That's just the way it works in our world…"
"True, tomorrow morning may not be the best time for you take that next step…" Shinji said and he stood up to stand next to her. "What about the day after that, once the shock wears off? You're finally admitting to yourself that these feelings are there… That's more than you would've done for yourself a mere few weeks ago… I'm not promising it's going to happen overnight, but I can promise you that what you desire isn't as far out of your grasp as you might think…"
"What makes you such an expert on what I desire? For all you know, my desire could be for these feelings to go away so I can go back to being completely independent! I like not having to count on anyone else for anything…"
"I know what your heart tells me it desires, and solitude is not among them… It saddens me that you view caring for people or accepting the help of others as weaknesses."
"Sorry, but that's exactly what they are," Asuka responded almost in monotone. "I've spent my entire life fending for myself, able to rely on no one but myself… Accepting the help of others or giving in to the need for companionship would be like saying everything I've achieved up until this point in my life meant nothing…"
"That doesn't even make sense Asuka," said Faux Shinji. "You seem to be confusing accomplishing all those things alone with having accomplished them because you were alone… Maybe you should look at things this way. I have no doubt that you'd be perfectly fine on your own, never having to rely on anyone… But just because you would be fine on you own, doesn't mean you have to be or even want to be by yourself. If you want to be with Shinji, then be with him… Not because you need to be, but because you want to be…"
Asuka's eyes widened briefly, before narrowing back into the beaten and emotionally neutral position. "This just proves you can't really be Shinji… He doesn't have the mental faculties to be so cryptic… Or even half way make sense… "
Shinji smiled towards Asuka sympathetically as she stared back at him with those empty tired eyes. The part of him that knew Asuka intimately, seeing as Asuka's subconscious had help manifest him, knew those eyes belonged to an exhausted young women. One who had grown tired of jumping through the hoops she herself had placed in order to live up to the ridiculous standards she had set for herself.
"So…" Asuka began to speak as the silence began to grate on her. "Are we done, or is there anymore pseudo psychology crap you want to throw in my direction?"
"Not from me… But there is one last door you have to walk through before this test is over…" Shinji motioned with his head towards a door that seemed to have magically appeared in the middle of the living room. Asuka had no idea what was on the other side, but the creepy and foreboding factor was still cranked up to almost immeasurable levels. Enough so to even shake Asuka Langley's steel will. "Before this journey can end, you have to face her…"
Asuka didn't need a name to know who this 'her' was that Shinji was referring to… She'd already had a sinking suspicion, no confirmed, and she found herself slowly going numb to the prospect. "I can't… I can't face her, not after everything I've already been through tonight…"
"I'm afraid you have little choice… Like it or not, she's had the most impact upon your life, more so than any of the rest of us. All your accomplishments, everything that makes up you both positive and negative, have been directly influenced by her… Or at least by your perception of her. Until you're able to face her memory without bowing in submission to her… Well, I doubt you need me to explain this part to you…"
"Fantastic… Just fantastic!..." Asuka sighed, and then turned her attention from Shinji to the foreboding door which had now seemed to have gotten closer. For one reason or another, her initial trepidation was gone… The thought of what she'd have to face behind that door still terrified her, but determination was now overriding fear. Asuka chalked it up to not wanting to look like a coward in front of Shinji, even a fake one her dreams had made up. Stiffly, she walked up to the looming wood frame, and without taking the time to think about it, opened the door and walked through. The door closed behind her, and disappeared leaving her trapped in that pitch black room. Asuka failed to notice any of this as her eyes were fixated on the pair of feet dangling just inches in front her face. The sound of the rope swinging from the ceiling above was near deafening. The German girl's eyes scanned up the pair of legs, past a noticeably female body, and finally rested on a face that was quite reminiscent of the young girl at her feet, though a few years older. She almost seemed to smile, her head cocked slightly to the left, the rope looped so expertly around her neck. Hanging next to the women was small child's plaything, a doll… Asuka's knees buckled at the way the woman's eyes locked onto hers and began to stare, and eerily they both had very similar expressions on their face. Emotionless, colorless…. Lifeless.
"Hello mother…"
End Chapter 10-
-Not sure quite why it is, but I loved ending this chapter on that line. Asuka's stroll through her dreams is near complete, but don't worry, the story itself is nowhere near done. I honestly hate the name of this work, but I had such a hard coming up with a decent title to sum up the story, I settled for what I could get. Anyway, next chapter Asuka will have a heart-to-heart with her biggest demon, and deal with the immediate aftermath of her unconventional form of self-therapy. It's my favorite chapter yet. Thanks for reading!