Happy New Year, everyone! I'm sorry for the wait between chapters. I planned for this chapter to belong
to Edward, but he was being shy and refused to talk to me, so that'll be next chapter, hopefully. I hope you
all had a lovely holiday season if you celebrate, and if not, I hope you've had a good couple of weeks since
we last saw this gang.
Thank you all for your continued support with reviews, kind comments, encouragement, and recc'ing. You're
all wonderful and now everything has quietened down a bit, I'll try and get to all of your reviews.
Uh, this one is a bit of a toughie and sort of came out of left field, but bear with me. Time jump after this
chapter and then we're on the downward slope toward their HEA. Have faith and buckle in, friends! xoxo
~ oOo ~
Summary: Maybe we were fooling ourselves, thinking we'd make it. In some respects, we have. We've created a comfortable life for ourselves and our beautiful children. If nothing else, they'll be our legacy. Proof that although we weren't destined to be together forever, we were always meant to create something worthwhile. Our love story is the same as many others. It was never meant to last.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the recognisable characters; those are all Stephenie Meyer's.
No copyright infringement is intended.
~ oOo ~
Dandelions
One Last Time To Hold You
September 22nd, 2018…
Always looking immaculate, presentable, and harboring a major crush on all things designer, Rosalie planned a lavish, glamorous affair for her wedding to Emmett three years ago. They had a lengthy engagement made longer by their spur-of-the-moment decision to move over to England, culminating in likely the biggest, fanciest wedding Eastbourne has ever seen.
By then, Esme and Carlisle had followed us out here, so there wasn't much holding them back. Rosalie's parents are both long-gone and she's an only child. Before landing in Forks, the Cullens moved around a lot, so to them, it wasn't such a big deal to skip across the Atlantic.
It sounds crazy when I think about it—the fact that two entire families moved continents—but we've always been a close family unit. I couldn't have lived without my parents, and my brother has always wanted to live in England after visiting with friends as a teen. Honestly, I hadn't put much thought into it until my parents had already settled here. I could do my job anywhere, so that wasn't a factor, and Edward was never dead-set on trying to play for the NFL. He sort of fell into football after discovering his talent in high school, but he enjoyed it enough that he made sure to figure out his options before we moved.
Not that it mattered much in the end. The accident took football away from him anyway.
When Emmett and Rosalie decided to cross the ocean, too, they put off their wedding and took the leap of faith, packing up their life and bringing themselves over to the south-east of England.
Their wedding followed shortly after; the fairytale winter theme was perfect for them. They were even lucky enough to have snow flurries in the afternoon, their December date just days before Christmas. Rosalie wore a stunning diamante-encrusted princess gown and Emmett rocked a dapper black morning suit complete with tails and a cravat. They looked every bit the regal winter prince and princess.
With all that in mind, their simple vow renewal this mild September Saturday is a welcome surprise.
The trees around the park are dropping their russet, red, and gold leaves; the cool breeze lifts them from the ground and carries them across the lawn to create a multi-colored carpet around the makeshift altar. Soft, romantic music serenades the intimate crowd waiting patiently. They had a harpist at their wedding and I know, thanks to my chats with Rosalie in recent weeks, that the music playing through the portable speakers is a playlist of that same harpist.
A soft sigh from my side pulls my attention away from the registrar at the altar.
"This is so beautiful," Esme breathes, her smile wide and wistful.
"It really is," I agree easily, a mixture of emotions swirling through me.
In the lead-up to today I didn't think too hard about what it might feel like to be here. As we wait for Emmett and Rosalie to finish taking pictures on the other side of the park, I wonder if this is as weird for Edward as it is for me. Unbidden, my eyes seek him out, an instinctive half-smile curling my lips when I spot him.
Far from a formal event, Emmett and Rosalie opted not to have a bridal party or groomsmen. They also decided against suits and extravagant dresses. In the playground a few dozen feet away, Edward is keeping all of the children occupied. In a charcoal knit jumper and chino pants, he looks smart but still casual, if that makes sense. He's also wearing a big grin as he pushes Lily and Sadie on the swings; I know I'm not the only one watching him.
Changing a glance at the other guests, I spy several women with their eyes on Edward and the children. It feels wrong to accept that jealousy is one of the predominant emotions in my bloodstream. He's not mine to covet, not anymore, but I can't help it. He's been mine for nearly half my life. It's weird to think of other women looking at him as a single man, but I know I'm going to have to get used to it.
The music eventually changes and Edward corrals the children—Jace, Dillan, Sadie, Lily, AJ, Aaron, and the two daughters of one of Rosalie's neighbors—before bringing them all back over to take their seats. He breathes a soft sigh as he takes the empty seat beside me in the front row of picnic chairs. I stifle the urge to turn and look at him, instead twisting the other way to watch a beaming Emmett and Rosalie make their way up the short aisle.
She's radiant in a simple blush dress and short white cardigan, and he looks handsome in a shirt with the sleeves rolled up and dress pants. Casual but effective. We all stand until they reach the registrar, who smiles as he tells us all to sit.
"We're gathered here today to celebrate the continued union of Emmett and Rosalie Cullen."
From Carlisle's arms, now-eight-month-old Henry gives a screech. Titters of laughter spread through the group, and Rosalie turns to blow her son a kiss.
The ceremony is beautiful. The words that are spoken, the way Emmett and Rosalie look at each other throughout, the smiles on their faces when Lily and Henry join them for a family picture before they make their way as a foursome back down the aisle.
Tears topple over my cheeks, my heart full to bursting.
When I stood in front of my friends and family eleven years ago, Edward at my side and a smile not unlike Rosalie's plastered across my face, I never thought I'd be here now, separated and co-parenting our three children.
There are a lot of things about my life that I never expected.
"Here," Edward murmurs, passing me a handkerchief from his pocket.
Blinking back a fresh onslaught of tears, I croak my thank you and dry my face.
"Are you...are you okay?"
Peering up into his eyes, I see sincerity and genuine worry. I see the familiar boy I married and the unfamiliar man he's turned into.
"I'm fine."
Sadie slams into my legs before he can ask the question hovering on the tip of his tongue. "Mama, can we go? Jay say there gonna be cake at the recep...uh…"
"Reception, baby. Yes, there's going to be cake. Come on, you." Scooping her into my arms, I ask Edward if it's okay for him to take the boys to the hotel across town where the reception is being held. Jace and Dillan asked to go with him earlier this morning, so I promised I'd ask.
"Of course," he smiles, grabbing the boys—one under each arm as they cackle and writhe. "We'll meet you there."
~ i ~
In the warmth of the hotel, I find a seat at the same table as my brother and sister-in-law and our parents. Sadie took off to join her cousins as soon as we arrived; a couple of minutes after I sit down with Mom, Dad, Alex, and Vanessa, I spot Edward, Jace and Dillan. The boys visit me just to offload their fleeces before running over to the buffet table where the other children are ransacking the candy jars.
"Jace, baby?" I call before he can get too far. "Tell your brother and sister to have no more than one cup of candy, please. You, too."
He grumbles his agreement and trudges after Dillan—no doubt to complain about what a killjoy their mama is. I smile to myself and sip my lemonade and lime; I won't be drinking anything stronger until the sitter has taken the children home later this evening, but I do plan on letting my hair down a bit. I rarely get the chance, like most parents.
"So, sis…" Alex trails off, fiddling with the label of his beer. "What's new with you?"
Maybe it's his tone, or maybe it's the way everyone else suddenly averts their eyes, but I get the distinct feeling there's more to his seemingly innocent enquiry than I'm realizing.
"Uh, not much. I ordered a bunch of new screens for the studio this week…"
It's clear from the uncomfortable coughs around the table that nobody is interested. I've missed the mark.
"That's, uh, that's good." Alex clears his throat. "And, ah...have you been up to much? You know...outside of work? Socialising, friends…"
The unsaid dating is loud even though it doesn't fall from his lips. As I flick my narrowed eyes around at Mom, Dad, Alex, and Vanessa, I wonder when they decided that four months is an appropriate amount of time to mourn an eleven-year marriage. I mean, for some people I'm sure it is. I don't think there's a set amount of time that anyone 'should' or 'shouldn't' expect to spend getting over the collapse of a relationship, but still…
My family know me. Or, I thought they did. The fact that they seem to think I'd move on so soon tells me otherwise.
"I don't think I like where you're going with this, Alex…" I murmur, trying to control the snippy bite to my tone. "Edward and I are still trying to figure out the best way to co-parent our children and keep up with everything else. Careers, friends, family…"
Chastened, Alex nods and takes a long pull from his beer bottle. "Of course, sis, I didn't mean anything by it. I just…" Blowing out a long breath, he shakes his head. "I just want to see you happy."
Sadie yelling 'Mama' from somewhere behind me has me turning away, but not before I hear Alex mumble 'both of you'.
~ i ~
Swaying on the dance floor with Dillan's head resting on my shoulder, I can't help but smile into his hair and breathe in the emotions all around us. It's joy, contentment, relaxation. Pride for the wonderful couple who've brought us all here today.
Rosalie and Emmett mingling with enormous smiles on their faces and Lily giggling from her daddy's shoulders.
Esme, Mom, and Vanessa supervising the few children left—Henry, AJ, Aaron, Jace, and Sadie.
Carlisle and Dad are over by the bar chit-chatting, and I spot Alex making his way over as Dillan sleepily asks me to 'do the twirl thing' again.
Grinning, I squeeze my boy a little tighter and do a quick twist just to hear his happy giggles in my ear. The band on the small stage serenades us as we move around the big parquet square, narrowly avoiding some of the more buzzed dancers.
There are few things I enjoy more than holding my babies. Dillan came to me a little while ago asking for snuggles and I'll never say 'no' to that unless I absolutely have to. This...dancing with him in my arms, is the best part of my day so far. It's been beautiful and lovely spending time with family and friends, but with much less time spent with my babies now I share their time with Edward, it feels extra special getting to be with them today.
"Mama?"
"Yeah, baby?"
Dillan pulls back a little, smiling lopsidedly. "I love you."
Welling up, I lean in and rest our foreheads together. My smile couldn't be any wider. "I love you, sweetheart."
"Uh, Bella, Carmen's here."
Turning to peer over my shoulder, I see Edward just behind us and then spot Carmen over with the children. She's a friend of Mom's and a baby whisperer with our children, particularly Jace. He adores her. Dillan sees her at the same time as I do and scrambles down to run over, leaving me with Edward on the edge of the dance floor.
It's...a little awkward, actually. We both realize it.
His sheepish smile makes me snort a laugh.
How did we get here?
"Would you, er...do you want to dance?"
Surprise takes over my features and Edward laughs at me as his eyes harden with resolve and he gently but firmly takes my hand to lead me deeper into the throng of dancers.
We've done this a hundred or more times before. At weddings, parties, the annual gala thrown by the hospital where Alex works...his arm curling around my middle and my hand sliding to rest on his shoulder is as easy as breathing.
Just as we begin to step in a comfortable, simple sequence, the current song changes; it segues into something low and lilting and romantic. It makes us both sigh.
"Have you had a good day?" I ask softly, afraid of the silence between us. It never spells good things when we don't talk.
Flicking my eyes up, I watch his lips curl into a smile. His gaze wanders behind me and I'm fairly sure they're on his brother and sister-in-law. "It's been great," he murmurs. "Those two are meant for each other, you know?"
I nod because I do, and I chew the inside of my cheek and blink my stinging eyes hard because I once thought we were made for each other, too.
"Hey…" he whispers, giving our joined hands a squeeze. I pull my eyes from our feet and in a moment of total vulnerability, I let him see everything. Everything I've been feeling and bottling up as I focused on our babies and tried to figure out who I am without him. The widening of his eyes and the clenching of his jaw is proof he sees it, he sees it all.
We're at a junction here. A fork in the road. We can pretend it's all all right or be real, be honest with each other.
"Bella, I…I'm sorry. For avoiding you. I was already feeling guilty as all hell for what happened with Irina at the bar, and then what you said at Tanya's office that day...it killed me because I already knew it." Blowing out a big breath, he adds, "I think I knew it before you did, that's why I was pulling away. I know I've screwed this up—"
"No, Edward," I interrupt, because the blame...it's not all on him. "I messed up, too. This wasn't all your fault, but it wasn't all mine, either."
"That's fair," Edward concedes. "Like I said, though, I shouldn't have avoided you. I...honestly, I missed you. A lot. I found myself almost calling you so many times."
Tears gather in my eyes and a rock lands square in the pit of my stomach.
"I've missed you, too."
My admission seems to surprise him, but he relaxes slightly.
"I should have stayed that day and given you the chance to explain. Storming off didn't help anybody."
"I think I'd have done the same," I tell him softly. He cocks his head. "It was hard to say, so I have some idea of how it must have felt to hear out of the blue like that."
We sway together, pausing our circuit to kiss the children and thank Carmen for taking them home. I'll pick them up from her house tomorrow, where she's also taking care of Lily and Henry.
When they've gone, we head to the bar and each get our first alcoholic drinks of the day before Edward silently takes my hand again and we continue our dance as if we never stopped. It's nice. Comforting.
As if this past six months never happened.
Except it did, and there are reminders everywhere. In the stories we tell about our separate time with Jace, Dillan, and Sadie, in the unfamiliar suit he's wearing, in our agreement to coordinate schedules for the Christmas nativity the children have started rehearsing.
It happened and it's the big elephant in the room. We skirt around its haunches but we're both well aware of its presence. It's impossible not to be, but with the warmth of his hand in mine, our bodies close together and his lips curling into a content smile as he narrows his eyes before murmuring "spin" and quickly twirling me under his arm...it feels like home. Like everything is okay.
~ i ~
"So I told him 'you can't just draw on the walls, buddy' and he shrugged and offered to paint over it for me."
I snort into my third...or is it fourth?...glass of wine. "So he still got to do his wall art, then."
Edward nods wryly, swirling the dregs of his whiskey in the bottom of his tumbler. We've migrated to one of the tables now, the younger generation taking over the dance floor now the band has swapped with the house DJ. I'm not even forty yet but I feel a hundred years old compared with the twenty-somethings letting their hair down.
Mom and Dad have gone home, and Alex and Vanessa had to get their boys to bed so they left shortly after. I don't know many of the people left, although there are considerably more people here at the reception than there were at the ceremony. 'Over a hundred' Rosalie told us as she hung off Emmett's arm a little while ago.
With a relaxed sigh, I sip my rosé and cross my legs, rubbing an itch on my calf with the socked toes of my other foot. The boots I've worn all day are gorgeous, but they're also new and not all that comfortable just yet. I ditched them under the table as soon as we sat down.
As my gaze sweeps around the room, I realize I'm not the only one observing.
I can feel Edward's eyes on me. They're like branding irons travelling up my legs. The cream knit dress I'm wearing is new; it hugs my figure and flatters the curves I've developed since hitting thirty before falling to my knees. My crossed legs mean the hem has ridden up a little.
I take a gulp of my wine in an attempt to cool myself, a hot flush spreading across my skin, and remember he's always been a leg man.
The look in his slightly glazed eyes when I meet them...I haven't seen it for such a long time. It's want and desire. Longing and fire. It ignites me.
The one-too-many wines I've consumed make me brave; maybe the whiskeys he's been drinking give him liquid courage, too. When he reaches over with his free hand to lightly caress my knee, I don't pull away. I raise an eyebrow ever so slightly in challenge. I have no idea how far he'll take this, no idea how far I'll let him, but just once, I want to pretend this perfect day is ours. I want to pretend we haven't fallen apart at the seams and that we're still the couple we were when Rosalie and Emmett were married the first time.
~ i ~
"Oh, God…"
My eyes pop open, then immediately snap shut. Shit. The light...too bright.
That groan, that deep voice at my back...I'd know it anywhere.
Slowly, it all starts coming back to me.
"Another wine?"
"Sure, why not? I'll get the next round."
A crooked grin… "So there'll be another round, then. Good to know."
My stomach rolls.
Warmth and safety, a hand on my waist and lips at my ear. A heavy beat and a drugging stare.
"Did we…" I mouth, touching my lips.
Intense forest green and a flash of pink as he licks his lips. Swaying and soft singing. Sweet rosé and whiskey mixed with something inherently him. Familiar. Comforting.
Missed. I miss this, I miss him.
He's close but not close enough, then he's there—lips against mine, hands pressing me closer, hungry kisses stealing my breath.
A blurry memory of an amused receptionist makes me wince as I scrunch my eyes tight and turn my face into the pillow.
A warm hand tugging me toward the elevators.
Stumbling feet and fumbling fingers. Too many buttons. A ping, a room key, a bed…
Holding my breath, I carefully push myself up to lean on one elbow and peer around the room. What I see makes me wince, my dull headache worsening.
His sweater goes first, followed by his shirt. My dress...his fingertips tickle my thighs as he tugs the hem upward, his breath hot on my belly, my neck, and my dress is gone; it lands across the room with our hastily discarded shoes.
I spot my bra hanging from a lampshade and mumble a curse under my breath before slowly rising and hot-footing it into the en-suite bathroom. The door closes with a quiet click; the cool wood feels great against my too-warm back as I lean against it, closing my eyes and wondering how the hell this happened.
Too many glasses of wine and a bunch of poor decisions, that's how it happened, my oddly snarky subconscious tells me.
Stepping over to the mirror, I lean against the counter and stare at my reflection. My hair is a total bird's nest. Thankfully, the minimal amount of make-up I applied yesterday means that I don't look a complete state this morning; my mascara is a little smudged, but that's the worst of it. It only takes a minute or two to scrub my face, then I decide a shower is most definitely in order. And thank God for fluffy hotel towels. By the time I've had a thorough wash and towel dried my hair enough to stick it in a messy bun on top of my head, I feel much better—well, as good as I'm going to feel after this colossal fuck-up, anyway.
It didn't occur to me to grab my clothes before showering, so I suck in a deep breath and exhale deeply as I step back into the room wrapped in the biggest towel on offer.
I expect to be mortified when I make eye-contact with Edward.
I expect to see him either still sleeping on the plush king-size bed, or sitting there waiting for the no-doubt awkward conversation ahead of us.
Instead, the bed is empty, his clothes noticeably absent and mine folded haphazardly on the ottoman.
Tears sting my eyes as I cross the room to snatch up my dress; it's then that I spot the paper sitting on top of my clothes.
Bella, I'm sorry. I think we both know this shouldn't have happened, but I had an amazing night with you. I waited as long as I could but I have a meeting I can't miss. I'll call you. E.
~ oOo ~
Over the course of the day, as my hangover wears off and the children drive me to the brink of insanity with their overtired whining and fighting, more of the night comes back to me.
As I cut sandwiches into shapes—stars for Sadie, squares for Dillan, and triangles for Jace—I remember Edward's fingers as he slid my underwear down my legs and kissed the tattoo I have on my hip.
02-10-15 bookended by a pair of blue elephants on one side and a smaller, pink elephant on the other. February tenth, two-thousand-fifteen—the day we received the phone call to say we'd been matched with a sibling group, two little boys and their as-yet unborn sibling.
While I pop two paracetamol and set the children up with a board game in the living room, I feel the phantom trail of kisses Edward left up my neck, over my jaw, and to my lips.
By the time I tuck Jace, Dillan, and Sadie into their beds, I've remembered it all. Every touch, every kiss, every thump of the headboard and every whispered word.
I miss you.
Too good—it's too good.
There, more…
Kiss me.
Edward...Bella…
Tears blur the TV screen I'm not even watching as I trace an invisible line from my lips to my hairline with my fingertips.
His lips burn my skin as he kisses my forehead. "Will you stay with me tonight?"
I choke on a breath as his fingers roam.
"Pretend it's all all right...please. Give me one last time to hold you." His words are slowed down by alcohol; mine, too.
"Yes. Yes, I'll stay. God, Edward…"
My stomach twists as I picture his face, his glassy eyes hovering over me.
"Give me the chance to tell you all the things...all the things I should've said before but I was too fucking stupid to say."
I did. I stayed. I listened to everything, all the things he wanted to say, all the things he wanted to whisper in my ear as his body made promises he couldn't keep.
But his words...they don't help. I don't feel better.
I feel broken. Used and tossed aside. Empty—like every word he uttered last night.
Blissful and sated, I feel unconsciousness tugging me into its cottony folds. Edward's arms wrap around me, his chest to my back. Humming, I snuggle back into his comforting warmth.
As I'm drifting, floating off into a safe, perfect world where nothing can hurt me, I think I hear him speaking, pleading, but it's probably my silly imagination.
"Tell me you love me, the way you used to. Please."
A sob tears its way up and out of my throat. "Oh, God."
What have we done?
Across the room, my phone pings. Edward. Nerves twist me up in knots but I rise shakily from the couch and walk on wobbly legs until my cell is in my hand.
Mom - I love you, sweetheart xoxo
Tears pour unabated over my cheeks. I tap out a reply telling my mom that I love her, too, before I give up on staying up and start my usual before-bed routine, locking every door and checking all the windows. Upstairs, in bed, I pull one of the spare pillows over and hug it to my chest, staring at the black screen of my cell on the mattress beside me.
It doesn't light up. It doesn't ping.
Edward doesn't call.
Eek, so that happened! Anybody still with me?