My thanks to Sylvain for the beta work.
Runaway
Part 10
As he settled in bed beside Micah, Aaron was again having doubts, what had happened with Jackson suddenly very much on his mind.
"You're not sure about this, are you?"
Micah was doing it again, reading his mind or seeming to. It had to be his body language that was giving him away; he knew he was unbelievably tense. His uncertainty had to be coming off him in waves, so there was no point trying to deny it, "No."
Micah was now looking intently into his eyes, probably wondering what to say, just what to do, maybe even having seconds thoughts about this, too; he wouldn't blame him if he was, he was making things so difficult.
"Well, now you're here, I'm not about to tell you to go."
After first reaching to switch off the bedside light, Micah had then wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. He knew that was as far as things would go between them tonight. Micah seemed to have sensed that what he really needed right now was to be held, to not be alone.
Warmed now, both physically and emotionally, he started to relax, and with the resulting sense of calm came a need to talk, to share something with Micah, something he hoped would help explain him... the way he was. He let the words Micah had used earlier that day echo back at him, "I've only ever slept with one man, he was special... only I realised that too late..." He suddenly wanted to tell Micah everything, every ugly, painful detail. He knew he needed to tell him about the terrible thing he'd done, he needed this man's understanding, he needed his acceptance, but that need, as great as it was, was far outweighed by the fear of his reaction, his rejection, and so the words refused to come, he couldn't get them passed his lips.
"Aaron?"
With that prompt, he heard himself say, "I messed up. I always mess up and I'm scared I'll mess this... us, up too."
"I'm not going to let you."
He had to fight the urge to say that it was too late, that he already had, because by not being totally honest, by not telling the entire truth, he had already messed up. He'd thrown a spanner into the works, and at some point, it would make its destructive presence known.
Micah would now believe that he had an ex out there, alright one no longer in the picture, but one who was alive and kicking all the same... his heart lurched painfully in his chest as the poignancy of his phrasing hit home.
Micah had tightened his hold on him, adding emphasis to the words he had used. He'd genuinely meant what he said, and Aaron knew he should have taken comfort from that fact, but he couldn't. He still didn't understand what they had, what it was they seemed to have found with each other, how they could connect so quickly, so easily. But he did know that whatever it was, he wanted it desperately, and he wanted to hold on to it. He knew he could be happy with Micah, that this was his chance to get it right.
They'd fallen quiet, Micah seemingly content with what had just passed between them, for now anyway. But it was eating away at him, his thoughts, his guilt tormenting him. The truth would come out, wouldn't it? According to the old saying, it always did. He didn't want to hurt Micah, he didn't want to disappoint him, he didn't want him to think bad of him. He didn't want Micah to ever look at him like Ashley and like a lot of people had done, with disbelief and then with disgust.
He knew he had a decision to make. Did he perpetuate the lie, and it was a lie, albeit an unintentional one? Did he let Micah keep on thinking what he did now or did he tell him everything, and risk losing everything in the process? He didn't like the answer he kept getting to his question, but knew it was the right one. It was best he told Micah everything before they got in any deeper, before they got too close, too involved, when rejection really would be too much to bear.
Tomorrow he was going to have to man-up and do the right thing... he'd tell Micah tomorrow. He was at least spared the ordeal tonight, because Micah was now asleep, his soft, rhythmic breathing telling him that much.
It took a little while but he, too, began to succumb to sleep... only there was some annoying noise in the background, irritating and insistent, stopping him just short of falling into the black abyss...
Someone was knocking and knocking loudly on the front door!
"Micah!" Getting some indiscernible response back, he nudged the older man none so gently in an effort to rouse him from his slumber.
"What?"
"There's someone at the door." Right on cue had come the knocking again, and on hearing it, Micah had leapt from the bed, hurriedly pulling on his clothes.
His clothes being in the next room, Aaron had made for the door."
"Where you going?"
"To make myself decent." Surely Micah, as vicar, wouldn't want him seen parading around in his boxers?
"It's alright, go back to bed," Micah insisted evenly as he edged passed Aaron on his way out of the room.
But things obviously weren't alright, they couldn't be, not if someone was pounding on his door at gone one in the morning! Micah seemed unfazed by it though, like it was the sort of thing that happened all the time.
Aaron hovered at the top of the stairs, eavesdropping shamelessly, he could hear a woman's voice, she was obviously upset, verging on hysterical. It was hard to make out what she was saying but he could hear Micah trying to calm her down, to reassure her. Just minutes later, Micah was bounding back up the stairs, taking them two at a time.
Aaron followed him back into his bedroom, where in a hushed voice the older man started to explain what was going on.
"There's a woman's refuge in Medfort, I'm going to take her there."
"Refuge?"
"Yeah, she's had one slap in the mouth too many, has finally seen sense!"
He didn't know what to say, or what to do, but he thought he should be saying or doing something to help, "Do you want me to come with you?" He realised that probably wouldn't be at all helpful, the minute the suggestion had left his lips, but Micah had smiled at him, reached out and caressed his cheek before saying, "No, no need, I'll get her settled and be back as soon as I can, you keep the bed warm."
He had gone back to bed, but was finding it impossible to sleep, having just had a small taste of Micah's life. Yesterday he'd told him he was on call more or less 24/7 and he'd just had proof of that.
He'd mocked him yesterday, tried to belittle him for wanting to help him. Now, he realised it was something he did, that service to the community was his way of life. It was an untimely reminder of just how very different they were, that they were poles apart!
He'd been kidding himself, hadn't he? They both had. It would never work. They were both lonely, both in need of some affection, some intimacy, something they'd both had with someone they had cared deeply about... and then all of that had been stolen from them.
That was the connection! It was that need that was pulling them together. He realised with a jolt that it was never destined to last!
It was half past three before he heard the front door creak open, five minutes later, Micah was climbing into bed beside him, dropping a kiss on his lips on finding him still awake. Suddenly, that kiss wasn't enough for him, he wanted Micah, needed him one last time...
The alarm had woken them and while Micah had showered and readied himself for his Sunday obligations, he'd gone downstairs to make them both a drink.
As he stirred the heaped spoonfuls of sugar into his mug, he told himself he had to stay strong, that he couldn't give Micah any indication of what was coming, that when he came home later that morning, he would be returning to an empty house, finding him long since gone. His resolve was set, but when Micah had walked into the room, a smile on his face, believing everything to be right with his world, he found he couldn't look him in the eye.
"What's wrong, Aaron?"
Micah didn't miss a thing, now he had him cornered, leaving him with no option but to say it like it was.
"This, us, it's not going to work." He could tell by the look on the other man's face that he hadn't seen that coming, he seemed at a loss as to what to say and he wasn't much better, but as he struggled to find the words he needed, Micah began to speak.
"Is this to do with what you told me last night? You still have feelings for the man you talked about, don't you? He's still on your mind, you still love him. That's what you're running from, isn't it?"
"No. No, it's not like that, it's not what you think."
"Then, what..."
"Something happened between us, he thought... then his van, it... it went off the road. He almost died, and maybe it would have been better if he had because... he was paralysed from the neck down. I tried, me and his mum, we both tried so hard but he didn't want to live that way. He asked her to help him end his life, he asked me to understand. I didn't, not at first, but he made me see it was what he wanted, the only thing he wanted.
''When the time came, she couldn't, Hazel just couldn't do it. He was begging, pleading, so I did what his mum couldn't do." He could see the shock on Micah's face, knew he was struggling with what he'd just been told. Maybe he needed a bit of time for it to sink in, but he couldn't give him that time, he had to keep talking, he had to get it all said.
"It went to trial, I was up for murder. They should have found me guilty... but they didn't, they let me go. You wanted to know what I was running from, well now you do. I'm running from what I did... and I'm always going to be running from it."
TBC