Masae 4: A Question of Commitment
Masae then moved on to what she realized would be one of the more difficult subjects in her story. She wanted to make it clear that this was not an accusation against Shiho, but her stating her point of view.
"I would like to reiterate and clarify a few things before I start, Instructor Nishizumi," Masae said. "There was no one reason, person or event that caused me to leave Black Forest."
"Perhaps not," Shiho said. "People have good reasons and bad ones for leaving, but if they're not able to do what we need them to do, we don't need them on the team."
"Why not just tell Instructor Nishizumi the story, and let her draw her own conclusions, Aunt Masae?" Hiroko said.
Masae nodded. While her niece was not quite as blunt as her elder daughter, Masae knew that Hiroko was somewhat outspoken by nature, and she had no real desire for Shiho's approval. Perhaps it would be best to let her account speak for itself.
"We should start when my doubt became more than a mere nagging feeling," Masae said. "But before that, let's talk about my sister. As a tanker, she was more skilled than most, but had more difficulty measuring up to Black Forest or the Nishizumi school's standards. She was not especially inherently talented, but she was hard-working, reliable and had good character."
Shiho nodded. Masae, her sister absent, hoped Masaki's daughter would be able to say more.
"For Mom, participating in tankery was about being near Aunt Masae and helping her out," Hiroko said, "which is why she did tankery alongside her older sister in middle and high school. Perhaps Black Forest doesn't think much of such a motivation, but it was enough for her to press on, and it's not very different from why I do tankery with my cousins."
"Hiroko put it quite nicely, as might be expected of Masaki's daughter," Masae said. "My sister is one of the kindest people I have ever known, as well as steadfast and dependable. The Atago School is meant to include people like her, and also to recognize that, like Masaki, people can learn valuable lessons through tankery even if they're not the most successful at it; one of the first honorary graduates was a Pravda student who had an extremely positive and helpful attitude despite never making the main team."
"That's all well and good, but those are not the traits we judge tankers by," Shiho said. "Black Forest and the Nishizumi school do not only require their tankers to give their all, but to reliably achieve victory through those efforts."
"That may be so, Instructor Nishizumi, but I had thought that my sister was, at the very least, keeping up with the rest," Masae said. "She did her best, both for its own sake, and so that no one would suspect that she was on the team as a favor to me, and both of us thought that was enough. This belief was shattered one day, after practice, when my sister announced that she had been demoted to the bench."
23 years ago
Masae waited outside the Black Forest tankery commander's office. While she and Masaki usually walked home together, Masaki had told her that she had a meeting with the commander. Masae, while curious as to why she was not included, waited outside. After five minutes, Masaki came out.
"So what did the Commander want to see you about, Masaki?" Masae said.
"Nee-san…" Masaki said, blinking back tears, "I've been cut from the regular team, effective immediately."
"Just like that?" Masae said. Masaki nodded.
"The Commander told me about it just now," Masaki said. "She honestly didn't have much more to say than that; it seemed as though she'd made her decision. As such, I didn't have anything to say to that."
"Perhaps I might," Masae said. "I'm going to have a talk with the commander."
"For my sake?" Masaki said, incredulous. "I… don't want you to make waves for me, especially considering your position."
"That's not the only reason, Masaki," Masae said. "It seems less than fair to treat you like that; you earned your spot on the team, and did well enough to keep it, especially when we're still winning handily. And I'm also curious about just how far the Commander will go."
"I see," Masaki said. "But Nee-san, are you prepared for the possibility that the answers you get might not be the answers you want to hear?"
Masae sighed.
"That's a possibility," Masae said. "But it's also possible that I've known them all along and didn't want to acknowledge them. In any case, not acknowledging them doesn't mean that they're not true, and the time has come to find out."
"I understand," Masaki said. "Well, then, Nee-san, I hope you can find those answers when you meet with the Commander."
"Thank you, Masaki; I'll see you back at our room when I'm done," Masae said, and walked back toward the commander's office.
Present day
"The more sentimental part of me was unhappy about my sister being treated in such a way," Masae said. "And the more logical part of me wondered what sort of future the team had if its commander seemingly made judgments like that on a whim, or at the very least, refused to explain her reasons for those decisions."
Masae then turned directly to Shiho.
"Instructor Nishizumi, do you remember the meeting you had with my sister?" Masae said.
"Unfortunately, no," Shiho said. "I do remember that she was on the team, but I spoke with several different people that day, and gave them all more or less the same speech- a short, brief one that said they were no longer on the team, and the only way they could return was by earning the privilege. I remember little else beyond the fact that your sister was removed from the main team."
Masae sighed, knowing the answer was more plausible than she had hoped. Of all the students who had come through the Atago School over the years, she could only remember a handful of names without looking them up.
"As much as I had hoped otherwise, I suppose that was to be expected," Masae said. "You make such decisions frequently, so I suppose that it was too much to expect you to remember a specific one."
"I suspect that you do, as well," Shiho said, considering pulling up the graduation rate for the Atago School, which was significantly higher than the Nishizumi School, but not at 100 percent.
"That's true, and I am often asked to explain myself," Masae said. "I can't remember everyone who's been affected in such a way by my decisions, but I can strive to treat them fairly."
Shiiho nodded.
"That's why I never truly expected you to give me a better answer than you did back then," Masae said. "I can, however, express what i was feeling back then, but was hesitant to do so out of fear of reprisal."
"Then let's hear it," Shiho said, "although I suspect that whatever you say now will only confirm what I suspected back then; that you and I were at cross-purposes."
23 years ago
Masae walked into the commander's office, where Shiho was seated at her desk.
"Commander?" Masae said, standing at attention. "Do you have a minute?"
"State your business, Vice-captain," Shiho said. She was willing to speak with her vice captain regarding matters relating to the team, but was quite busy and hoped Masae would get to the point.
"Yes, ma'am," Masae said. "I would like to speak with you about the changes made to the team roster."
"Very well, speak," Shiho said, "But know that they have already been finalized and approved by the coach, so unless something happens, I will not make any changes."
Masae let off a faint sigh, realizing that the meeting was not off to a good start.
"The first issue I have is the fact that I was not consulted at any point," Masae said. "Part of my responsibilities are advising the Commander on any changes to the roster."
"And yet, the Commander is not required to follow the Vice-Captain's counsel, nor is she required to even hear it," Shiho said. "I needed unbiased advice for this- you should know why you were not consulted if your second issue is what I believe it to be."
"I understand what you're saying, and your assumption is correct, Commander," Masae said, "but Masaki did not receive any warnings before she was dropped from the regular team, nor any advice as to where she needed to improve. In spite of my being less than fully impartial, I believe that the decision was too hastily made."
"Every member of the team is replaceable, and should not take their spot for granted," Shiho said. "Your sister was always one of the lower performers on the main team, and should not have needed a warning to better herself."
Masae realized that she and Shiho were arguing in circles, so long as Shiho kept maintaining that victory mattered above all else.
"Is victory truly the be-all and end-all, Commander?" Masae said. "Is it worth so much more than fun, comradeship and one's personal growth?"
"Yes," Shiho said. "Whatever one fights for, it can be achieved by winning. And there is no compelling reason to give less than your full efforts to the team, lest you cheat yourself and your comrades out of the chance to achieve your respective goals."
Masae slowly shook her head, but remained silent, unsure of how she could respond to that. Back then, she was not a teacher, but a girl who was still learning about tankery. She had to wonder- was the Nishizumi way the "true" way to do tankery? Clearly, many people did not think so. But what, then, should she do? What should she believe in?
However, it was obvious to Masae what Shiho wanted her to believe, as well as the fact that she knew Masae did not accept what she was saying.
"I do not expect you to agree with me, Vice-captain," Shiho continued. "I only expect you to do whatever is necessary to win. If you don't… then I can simply find someone who will."
Mindful of her position, and the fact that her sister did not want her to risk herself for her sake, Masae relented, rather than fight a battle with Shiho without knowing why she was truly fighting.
"Yes, ma'am," Masae said. "I understand what you expect of me, and as such, have no more questions."
"Then you are dismissed," Shiho said, her tone more suited to giving an order than granting permission.
As Masae took her leave, she realized that she had not merely said yes as a means of politely accepting Shiho's point, but had subconsciously said it in response to Shiho's suggestion. Clearly, Shiho saw the entire issue as a question of commitment, and having found Masaki lacking, wanted to see whether the same went for Masae. Perhaps Masae could remain in Shiho's good graces, but did she want to?
Masae still remembered the day when she submitted her resignation letter, but saw this day as the beginning of the end of her time in Black Forest's tankery team.
Present day
"I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't get you to change your mind," Masae said. "But I wanted answers, and was disappointed with the answers that I got."
"You're not the only one to feel this way, Instructor Atago," Shiho said. "But the Nishizumi school does not seek to please everyone, and neither should you."
"Not everyone agrees with my decisions," Hiroe said. "But I think when they ask me about them, they usually come away understanding why I did what I did."
"That's true," Masae said. "I was somewhat disillusioned at the time, although I tried to push it out of my mind, now that I was on a successful team. But seeing that victory mattered above all else, and realizing that it was not what was most important for me, I began to question myself, and ask whether I should continue."
"And you ultimately didn't" was the conclusion the three Nishizumis at the table reached, in their own way. But Masae's daughters and niece knew that it had not happened immediately.
"I then turned to my sister," Masae said. "People who know the two of us say I'm the more confident sister, but it's because whenever I doubt myself or feel burdened by despair, I can talk to Masaki, who's a good listener, kind and supportive. When I'm around her, I don't have to worry about how I come across."
24 years ago
Masae met with Masaki in their shared apartment, and told her what had happened.
"Thank you for talking to the commander, Nee-san," Masaki said. "But you needn't go any farther on my account. I have no desire to cause you trouble or drive a wedge between you and the commander. It's quite impressive that you managed to become vice-captain at a school like this, and I hope you'll be able to continue."
"I appreciate your concern, Masaki," Masae said. "But that's not why I am troubled. The commander made it clear that victory was something she valued above everything else. Dismissing you, while unfair to both of us, is perhaps a small sacrifice to her; she considers all of us expendable, and our feelings to have no weight. And no one is willing to openly say anything to the contrary; even the rest of our friends are unwilling to criticize the Commander."
"Is this not what you wanted, when you searched for a team that tried harder in pursuit of victory?" Masaki said.
Masae paused, slightly taken aback by her sister's question. While Masaki was typically polite and respectful to her older sister, she had, largely unwittingly, asked an uncomfortable question. Masae was at Black Forest because she had chosen to be there, but she was starting to regret that choice.
"Maybe it was what I was looking for, and as Kumakura-sensei said, it's not quite what I truly wanted," Masae said. "But you do have a good question. Why am I in tankery? What am I hoping to accomplish?"
"I really can't tell you, Nee-san," Masaki said. "I only got involved in tankery because you did. After all, Mother said you can't dictate to people the reasons why they should do something."
"That may be true," Masae said. "But all the same, it seems as though our teammates in Black Forest, or at least the commander, don't seem willing to help us find out. The commander made it clear that we had to give our all without asking why, to sacrifice our individual ambitions for the sake of the collective goal. That principle's understandable, but doing it on this level is going too far."
"I imagine the Commander had to do so in the past," Masaki said, "or at least, many of her family's students did."
"That's possible, Masaki, but in any event, we're not like them," Masae said. "The person I'm closest to personally is probably my classmate Midori, who could only represent us in the tournament if every single commander in the team were unable to compete."
"Ah, yes, Aoyama-senpai," Masaki said. "But you do realize, don't you, Nee-san? If you leave school, you'll leave her and all your other friends behind. And, since I'd follow you, so would I."
Masae solemnly nodded. Midori, despite her low standing on the team, had no plans on leaving Black Forest. Neither did the more ambitious and skilled Keiko, who had competed with Masae and the others for the position of vice-captain. If Masae switched schools, she would spend the latter half of her high school career among a school full of strangers, unsure of how well she would fit in there, how good the school would be, or how much she would enjoy it.
"Yes, Masaki, I am aware," Masae said. "It's not such an easy thing to take up roots and go to a place you know next to nothing about. Still, I may soon get to the point at which any place would seem better than here."
"Perhaps that doesn't have to be the case, Nee-san," Masaki said. "Perhaps there are still things you can do, here at Black Forest."
"Like what?" Masae said.
Masae simply shrugged.
"To be honest, I don't know," Masaki said. "But I, for one, plan to do my best to see if I can re-earn my position on the team, regardless of whether the Commander is fickle, overly strict, or both. You still have your position, so perhaps there is something you can do- at the very least, you owe it to yourself to try. Perhaps you can change the tankery team yourself, making it a team that is more inclusive and fairer, but no less able to win."
Masae nodded, agreeing more with the general principle of what her sister was saying than her specific advice. Rather than run away, there was still something she could do.
"I suppose so," Masae said.
Masaki placed a hand on her sister's shoulder and looked her in the eye.
"Remember Nee-san," Masaki said, "you earned the position of vice-captain of Black Forest, as well as Troika. Last year, everyone was talking about how much they missed you, and how much you had contributed to the team. I'm sure you can think of something."
"Thank you, Masaki," Masae said, touched by Masaki's words but unsure of what she should do or why she should continue.
Present day
"That evening, I considered writing up a letter of resignation, but never ended up writing it," Masae said, "because every time I thought about the part in which I had to say why I was leaving, I couldn't quite put it into words."
Shiho merely nodded, unsurprised by Masae making clear what she had implied all those years ago.
"So why didn't you resign?" Shiho said. "Or better said, why didn't you resign at that time?"
"A few reasons," Masae said. "The first reason was because I still found tankery fun, even if I had grown disillusioned with Black Forest. The second reason was because I still believed I could make a difference, or at least, was hesitant about leaving behind my old school. The third reason was that I felt that giving up on the team would essentially be a betrayal of my sister's faith in me."
Miho nodded. Having come to reconnect with a few of her old friends at Black Forest, she realized that she missed them. And, even before that, she realized that tankery was fun, even if her mother's expectations were almost unbearable.
"Incidentally, Instructor Atago," Miho said, "I, too, had some reservations about leaving my friends and my sister behind. So what happened? Why did you ultimately leave Black Forest if you had your own misgivings about leaving the team?"
"You could call it circumstances beyond my control," Masae said, "and, I may add, not necessarily unwelcome ones, at that. Much like you, it took leaving my school to find my own way of tankery."
Author's Notes
Japan seems to favor collectivism over individualism, and one can see the difference between Miho and Shiho as a matter of their interpretations of it. Miho could be considered the "light" side of this, being selfless, valuing cooperation and seeing her success in the tournament as a matter of everyone working together to a common end, without sacrificing their individuality or personal desires. Shiho could be considered the "dark" side of this principle, demanding sacrifice in the name of victory, conforming to the style, and believing individuals are subservient to the greater good.
For the chapter titles from here on out, you may see references to certain passages in the text that fit the story of the chapter, a trend somewhat inspired by Puella Magi Madoka Magica.
Character Analysis: Masaki Funakubo
If Masae sees her eldest daughter as a shining example of a strong and committed Atago style practitioner, she sees her younger sister as an example of a less dedicated but still acceptable person, one who would be a failure in the Nishizumis' eyes, but a success in hers.
Masaki never possessed her older sister's acumen for tank combat or leadership, nor did she have much desire to continue in it after graduating, even if Masae believes, possibly correctly, that Shiho was wrong to cut her from the team. But she believes that even if she was ultimately mediocre by most standards, and a failure to the Nishizumis, she benefited from her time in tankery.
Masaki wants to help her sister how she can, even if she realizes that she can't do much as far as tankery goes. She doesn't know enough to teach tankery, but she can look after Hiroe or Kinue if Masaki is busy. She didn't take the same marketing classes that her sister did, but she can put in a good word for the Atago School to any friends who might be interested in teaching their daughters tankery. Above all else, she's good at giving emotional support to Masae, allowing her usually confident older sister to voice doubt and vulnerability.
The fact that Masaki is judged as a success by the Atago school and a failure by the Nishizumi school gives some indication of how the schools differ, and how Masae differs from Shiho. Masae believes that even if Masaki was less than stellar, her time in tankery was not in vain, and that it has helped he become a good woman, a loving wife and a kind mother, in addition to being Masae's beloved younger sister.