Chapter 10

Matt was holed up in his room. It had been three weeks and he was still holed up in his room. He came down to raid the fridge if he felt like trying to eat his emotions, other than that he was burrowed in his bed hiding from the world, sobbing into his pillow, until his eyes were so sore he couldn't open them, until his throat was so raw he couldn't speak, until his chest was so tired it hurt to breathe. Right now Jeff could hear music coming from Matt's room. It was painful, yet appropriate to Matt's situation. Jeff listened as the song played on repeat. It was Black Sabbath, Solitude.

My name it means nothing
My fortune is less
My future is shrouded in dark wilderness
Sunshine is far away, clouds linger on
Everything I possessed - Now they are gone

Oh where can I go to and what can I do?
Nothing can please me only thoughts are of you
You just laughed when I begged you to stay
I've not stopped crying since you went away

The world is a lonely place - you're on your own
Guess I will go home - sit down and moan.
Crying and thinking is all that I do
Memories I have remind me of you

Jeff was at his wit's end. He didn't know what to do anymore. Jilly, a vulture, had swept in and devoured his brother, and Matt had mistaken it for love. She left, and now there were only bones of something that once was, something that never really was, but for Matt it had been. Another shattered promise, another broken heart, a thousand tears.

Matt had been depressed before, all the times before he had hurt, and he had suffered. Each time he fell down further, no, each time he was thrown down further. The story just repeated in declining repetitions. Just as he would be climbing back up, someone would come along and grab his hand and help him. Someone would come along and pretend to help him. They would pull him to safety only to shove him off the ledge and let him disappear back into the void, deeper. How deep was Matt this time? Could he see the light at the top of the hole? Could he blink at it and wonder if it was worth it to try and claw his way out of the pit, or was the light now so tiny, it was naught but a miniscule pinhole?

Jeff couldn't take it. Someone had to pry Matt out of his depression. He was done just trying to comfort, Matt didn't need comforting, he needed prodding, he needed someone to pull him out of the darkness, someone who wouldn't let go, someone who would help him out of the pit so he could walk away from it and never turn back to peek over the treacherous rim. Jeff, can you do this? I might need Shannon to help, I'm only one person…

"Matt?" Jeff opened his brother's door. The lights were off. He had put blankets up to the windows to block out light. Sabbath started to repeat. Jeff turned the player off. There was silence, broken periodically by rough breathing coming from Matt's raw throat. Jeff felt a lump forming in his own throat. He couldn't stand to see his brother this way, it killed him inside. It made him angry at her.

Jeff sat on the edge of the bed. Matt was wrapped in his covers, his head was hiding under his pillow. Jeff moved the pillow away and Matt covered his eyes with his arm.

"Matt, look at me."

"Nuh-uh.."

"Matt…" Jeff moved his brother's arm. Matt squinted at him from swollen eyes. "I know…I don't know how much this must hurt you, but, you need to try to…"

To what? Move on? That was easy to say. Isn't that what he'd been trying to do for a long time with no luck?

"I don't like seeing you this way." Jeff tried. "You need to realize that you don't need a woman to complete you. You're Matt Hardy, you're complete in yourself."

"No…no." Tears leaked from Matt's painful eyes. "…alone…why? It hurts…I don't care anymore."

"You better care, because I care Matt, I fucking care! I'm here…you're not alone, I'm here. I know it's not the same as a woman but you can trust in me. I'm not going anywhere."

"I…know."

Jeff hated this. It looked like it was hurting Matt just to say a few words. As much as he sobbed up here, his throat was probably torn to hell.

"Pillow back, Rainbow."

Jeff clutched the pillow to his chest.

"I will give it to you…if you promise to come down tomorrow and stay out of your room all day."

No reply.

"Then you don't want your pillow very bad."

"…okay…"

Jeff rubbed the side of his brother's face.

"I don't care shit what anyone else thinks or says, you mean the world to me. Don't forget it, Matt. You mean something to me, a lot."

Jeff returned Matt's pillow and Matt promptly buried his head beneath it. Jeff got up and left reluctantly. Did he say anything that helped? Did he make any kind of difference? Jeff went back down stairs feeling kind of down himself. He wanted Matt back, but he had to be realistic. It was going to take time. Right now, Jeff wanted to take time by himself to think. He wondered to himself, why is it we fear being alone, yet in our most desperate times, we isolate ourselves? Why is it we are terrified of being abandoned, but in our time of need, we choose solitude?