A kind word, genuine amazement, sincere gestures
Small things. Little things. Easily overlooked
Never unimportant though. Never inconsequential
A little kindness, a bit of concern…
For a thing to be lovable, it must first be loved.
Chapter 8: The Way to the Heart
[WEEK 2]
"I think," Shizuo said over dinner, "I made a friend."
Immediately, all movements ceased. Two pairs of brown eyes stared at him unblinkingly, before his mother dropped her bowl on the table and pushed back her chair, leaning sideways to reach over and hugged him. Embraced tightly in her arms, he could feel the mark of her grin against his shoulder, and looking over her head, Shizuo could see the small smile pull his lips upwards.
(Perhaps it was because he and their mother emote so openly that Kasuka appeared stoic in contrast, but they all know that a smile like that was the equivalent of a big hug.)
"Who is it?" their mother, Heiwajima Namiko, excitedly asked, pulling back just enough for him to see her wide grin. "What's their name? What are they like? Oooh, I'm so glad for you, Shizu-chan!"
He ducked his head, cheeks flaring red, inordinately shy. This was the same response she gave when he told her that he befriended a senior during middle school. She was so happy to hear it, that she didn't mind helping her son bleach his hair. It made him a bit embarrassed, to be honest, but also relieved and glad at seeing how the simplest accomplishments in his life made her happy.
(Even if it was little, she always celebrated with such gusto that Shizuo's self-loathing couldn't touch him at that moment.)
From the other end of the table, he saw Kasuka leaned forward in interest.
"His name is Orihara Izaya," Shizuo answered, "He's an annoying louse, setting gangs on me every morning, cackling away while I chase him during break, and taunting me during lunch. He even had a truck run over me three days after we met. Kept harassing me at school too. I think it's because he wants me to lose my temper. Honestly, he's such a pain to deal with."
Kasuka raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't sound like something a friend would do."
The blond shrugged, absently stirring the rice in his bowl with his chopsticks. "I don't think he considers me a friend…"
"But you want him to?" Their mother asked, returning to her seat properly and giving him an inquisitive look.
Shizuo looked down at his meal and nodded shyly, murmuring. "He's just like me. Different," amber eyes slid sideways, avoiding their gazes as he mumbled out, "A monster."
"Shizu-chan…" their mother sighed, warm chocolate eyes gentle and smile soft. "Don't call yourself that. Just because you have incredible strength does not mean you are a monster," her gaze shifted downwards, at her reflection on the glass. The kind smile gained a tint of ruefulness. "Besides, I've seen real monsters, and you're not one of them."
"Mom is right," Kasuka added, the middle-schooler looking at him with an expression that may seem apathetic to an outsider but caring to those who knew him, "They just don't see what we can see."
The blond looked up from his rice bowl, staring at his family, before a small, shy smile broke out. "Thanks, Mom, Kasuka."
His mother beamed at him, grinning so wide her eyes were squinted. Kasuka was much more reserved in comparison, giving him a small smile. Coming from his normally stoic younger brother that felt like a hug and a pat on the back.
"So," the brunette woman returned back to the topic at hand, chin on her hand and braid swinging over a shoulder, "Shizu-chan wants to be friends with this Orihara Izaya kid but doesn't know how to do it?"
The blond nodded quietly.
"Right then!" The brunette leaned back, her thumb pressed against her chest as she declared. "Leave it to your mother! I know just the thing to make him like you."
(In hindsight, following her advice was either the best thing he did or the absolute worst.)
The next day, Shizuo brought two lunchboxes to school.
Both homemade bento were almost ruined on his way to Raijin High, as the now daily gang attack in the morning had nearly made him spilled the boxes. Thankfully, his mother had foresaw it (he had been complaining about the recent increase in assaults) and wrapped the lunchboxes extra tight, making sure that not even a five-story drop would be enough to crack it. This was the only reason Shizuo didn't cause more damage to the gang attacking him that day.
(Today's gang was the Jyan Jakka Jyan*. Odd name aside, they were a large group, Shizuo knew, and almost as influential as the Red Hounds back in their heyday. Yet they were being absorbed into the Awakusu-kai, and their power slowly waned as the Dragon Zombies and Blue Squares rose to prominence.)
As was now routine, he arrived at school in a foul mood, metaphorical storm cloud hovering over his head and darkening everything. The mood remained dark until break, scaring his classmates and teachers as usual, until it was time for him to chase Izaya across the school hall. At the end of the period, he stormed out of class and easily sniffed the brunet out, leaving the lunchboxes in his class. No one would dare mess with his stuff anyway.
As usual, Izaya ran away laughing, but at least the thrill of the chase was enough to used up some of the leftover rage from the morning's assault. When Shizuo returned to class, he was still somewhat irritated, but noticeably calmer as well. The entire class and teachers collectively sighed a breath of relief.
When lunch rolled around though, Izaya didn't come.
Shizuo frowned as he glanced at the clock in front of the class, right on top of the whiteboard. The clock read 12.45, and their lunch ended at 1.20 p.m. Idly, he tapped a finger against the table, looking out the window and scowling at his reflection. It had been five minutes since lunch began, and yet there were still no signs of his current headache and probable friend (or, at the very least, frenemy).
Typically, Izaya headed straight to his class once lunch started.
Maybe he got side-tracked…?
His gaze slid down from the window to the lunchboxes, still stacked on top of one another inside a plastic bag. It was possible that the brunet had someone else to harass, but given how he had pretty much been tormenting him with his presence during lunch made it seem unlikely to him. Besides, who else here would be more interesting than a monster in human flesh? If there was anyone like that, Shizuo would pity the person for attracting Izaya's attention.
I'll give him five more minutes, the blond decided, glaring at the clock as if he could make time move faster by sheer will alone.
It felt like an eternity before the clock ticked 12.50.
Izaya, he thought as he climbed the stairs to the rooftop, plastic bag containing the lunchboxes dangling in his hand, have a distinctive scent.
Izaya's scent, just like everything else about him, was an abnormality. Everyone else's scent was normal, catchable in close distance but faded into nothingness with time and space. It wasn't as if Shizuo had an incredible sense of smell either. Unlike his strength and temper, his sense of smell was average. Normal. It was Izaya's scent that was strange.
(He didn't understand how no one had commented on it yet.)
Fire—that was what the crimson-eyed brunet smelled like. Not smoke or gasoline or any other things commonly associated with it, but pure, undiluted fire. Something white-hot and searing, purifying and destroying, and cleansing and tainting everything it touched in a flurry of flames. It prickled something in his sense, making him uncomfortable by its fierceness and unfamiliarity, another reason why Shizuo had disliked Izaya on sight.
Red eyes, Shizuo thought, fit him perfectly.
(It must be something in Izaya that was odd, because he never experienced this with anyone else. Not his mother, not his brother, nor the two friends he had in elementary and middle school. Shizuo's strangeness was limited to his monstrous strength, unstoppable rage, and the rare glimpses of transparent, colourless strings intertwining and connecting and tangling people's lives.)
He pushed the door open, clear blue sky greeting him as he stepped out onto the rooftop. A mild breeze blew his way, carrying a hint of spring in the air. In the distance, beyond the fences railing the edges, the courtyard spread out, a few trees sprawled here and there retaining a hint of pale pink despite the peak cherry blossom season being over. As he stepped forward, the door swung shut behind him, and the blond looked left and right for signs of the brunet.
He tilted his head up, breathed, and there—a hint of fire amongst the cherry blossoms.
Following the distinct scent, he rounded the rooftop and headed to the back areas, where there should be some benches for students or staff to enjoy their break in the sun. The area however, was empty save for two brunets, one of which Shizuo was familiar with. Izaya had his back towards him, facing the other brunet, and even though the blond couldn't see his expression from where he stood, he could still tell that Izaya was smirking, sneering at the boy in front of him with condescending amusement, given that he had spent enough time with the crimson-eyed teen to know his body language.
"Nakura-kun," Izaya purred, amusement and arrogance so heavy Shizuo could practically taste it, "Whatever do you mean, 'return my money'? As far as both of us are concerned, you lost it fair and square."
"B-but that's not my money!" The other brunet, Nakura, shrieked, panic clear in his wide eyes, "I need it back! If I don't get it back, the Dragon Zombies are going after my head!"
"You borrowed money from a biker gang?" Izaya tilted his head, affecting an air of mock concern, "Sorry, but I don't see how that concerns me. You should know better than to make deals with such shady people in the first place."
"Gaaah!" Nakura threw his arms up in frustration, pointing an accusing finger at the smirking teen. "I should have never approached you in the first place. Why the hell did I thought knowing you would be a good idea!? All you do is ruin my life!"
Izaya took it all calmly, even chuckling in the face of the other's anger. "If you want to blame anyone, blame your past self. What will blaming me do but prove that you are a fool to begin with?"
"You-you-!" His arms were flailing, grasping and fisting as if unsure whether to punch the crimson-eyed teen, cry, or run away. Seeing Nakura's pathetic reactions and Izaya's aloofness made Shizuo pursed his lips into a tight line.
The blond walked straight towards them, calling out clearly. "Oi! What's going on here?"
The cowardly brunet, Nakura, jumped, turning on his heel in wide-eyed shock at his arrival. "He-Heiwajima Shizuo!" he stammered, "What are you doing here?"
"I got business with the flea," he replied, tilting his head towards Izaya. "Mind giving us some space?"
"I-yes! Of course!" Nakura acquiesces hastily, throwing a quick look over his shoulder at Izaya as he left. "We're not done yet!"
When Shizuo was sure he had left, the blond turned towards the remaining brunet with a question. "What was that all about?"
Izaya shrugged, smiling as if he doesn't have a care in the world. "Just business," he answered, sing-song.
"Business, huh? Involving gambling?" Shizuo shook his head as he took seat on one of the benches stretched out across the rooftop. Gently laying the plastic bag on them, he looked up at the brunet with a frown. "You know, you shouldn't be dealing with stuff like that. It's really dangerous, and may one day get you killed."
"Aw, is Shizu-chan concerned for little old me?" Izaya teased, laughing at his worry. He remained standing where he was, refusing to take a seat next to him. "Don't be. I'm more than enough to handle all the monsters that go bump in the dark."
The blond rolled his eyes, the words slipping out candidly before he could rethink them. "Every monster except the one that you are."
Izaya stilled, looking at him. Once again, Shizuo felt a chill slip down his spine, sending tingles of thrill up and down his veins as those scarlet eyes turned cold. The brunet smile remained intact, but the gleam in his eyes spoke of how well his comment had hit. Once again, Shizuo was reminded of the reason why he no longer tried to seriously kill him.
You're like me. Different. A monster.
"I don't know what you're saying, Shizu-chan." The brunet purred, his voice misleading soft, like silk hiding steel. "The only monster I see here is you."
"Then maybe you need to look at a mirror," Shizuo snapped back. "I may have the body of a monster, but you certainly have the mind of one."
To be a monster—to be different—means standing apart…standing alone. But if you're here, and I'm here, then maybe it doesn't have to be that way.
If only he could express his thoughts into words. If only Izaya would let him.
"If that's all you came here for, then I'm going to excuse myself," Izaya said primly, turning away from him.
"Wait!" The blond called out for him. He watched as the other paused, back towards him, but head tilted in a way that implied curiosity. "Stay. I just…" he looked down at his lap, biting his lip. Shizuo had never done this before, had never tried to approach anyone in hopes of friendship. The only two friends he had had came to him, opening up and accepting him due to curiosity or genuine niceness. He didn't know the right way to do something as important like this, and because of that, he feared that he would mess it up like he had broken everything in his path during his bouts of rage.
"The way through the heart is through the stomach!" his mother had said, "If you share your lunch with someone, I'm sure you'll be friends!"
Wasn't that what he came here to do?
Swallowing down the tightness in his throat, Shizuo looked straight at him and asked, "Do you want to have lunch with me?"
There was a sudden tenseness in the other's spine. Shock, perhaps, that he had been asked such a thing. Izaya spun on his heel and stared at him, brows creased in a frown that wiped away all previous traces of his fake smiles. Scarlet eyes locked on amber, and for a moment, they were in a stalemate.
Then—
"Lunch?" Izaya shook his head, letting out a quiet huff of laughter that seemed to be intended as mocking but came out disbelieving. "You came all this way for that?"
The blond dropped his gaze, red flushing his cheeks in embarrassment. One hand reached back to sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah," Shizuo answered, voice unusually soft, "That is-if you want to that is."
There was a beat of silence before the brunet replied:
"I don't bring any lunch."
"That's fine," Shizuo said, a smile breaking out as he looked up at confused red eyes and realised what Izaya's words implied. "My mom made an extra bento after I told her how skinny you are."
Izaya huffed a protest. "I'm not skinny."
"Yes you are. You're all skin and bones," Shizuo countered, patting on the bench. "Come over here, Izaya-kun."
The brunet looked at him warily, scarlet eyes cold and calculating. He had the distinct impression that Izaya was trying to dissect him in his mind, but dismissed it absently to watch as, slowly, the other teen approached the bench and took seat at the farthest end. Shizuo couldn't help but beam at him, because even he could tell from his daily exposure to the brunet's brand of annoyingness that Izaya's acquiescence is a rare thing indeed. Amusingly, the brunet looked more disgruntled at seeing him smile.
"Stop that," Izaya groused, arms folded over his chest. "You're looking creepy."
Shizuo ducked his head, awkwardness overcoming him in a burst of red that flared across his cheeks. "Sorry," he mumbled, taking out the lunches his mother had prepared for them. "It's just, I'm not used to this—inviting someone else to lunch. Usually they invite themselves."
If anything, it made Izaya scowl harder. "Stop it! You're seriously acting out of character right now! Aren't you supposed to be going 'rawr!' and throwing things at me by now?"
"Why should I? It's not like you're doing anything right now that pisses me off." The blond asked back, honestly confused as he handed over Izaya's lunchbox. The brunet took it gingerly, eyeing its contents with wariness warranted for poisoned food.
"I sent a gang after you this morning." Izaya stated, deadpan.
Shizuo shrugged, opening his meal and picking up his chopsticks. "You sent a gang after me every morning," he pointed out, "It's practically routine by now."
"But aren't you angry?" The brunet furrowed his brows in confusion. "You chased me all across campus earlier today."
He nodded. "That's true, but I'm not really angry now," the blond tilted up, gazing at the clear expanse of blue above with a small frown of concentration. "How do I say this…Well, it's just that, after I realise that you're like me, I don't really feel that angry at you," his gaze slid downwards, amber eyes looking at Izaya with softness unfamiliar and uncomfortable for the brunet, "Don't get me wrong, I'm still angry that you made me fight every morning, but.." he looked away, gaze returning to his lunch, "I know how it feels, to be different, to be alone. It's…nobody should go through that alone."
"Pity," Izaya spat out the word like poison, glaring at him, "Is that why you're doing this? Do you feel good trying to play the hero, pretending that you're not a monster? Is that why?"
He shook his head, amber eyes locked on scarlet so that Izaya could sense the seriousness behind his reply. "No," Shizuo said, repeating the same answer he gave on the second day after they met, "I thought you looked lonely, so that's why I asked."
At that time, Izaya had laughed, now…now Shizuo couldn't tell what he would do. The brunet's face was blank; neither frown nor smile gracing his features.
After a moment of silence, Izaya shook his head, sighed, and opened his lunch, murmuring. "You are impossible."
Shizuo smiled in response, but the brunet had looked away so as to not see him.
That was fine. This is good progress, right? He wondered, returning his gaze back on his lunch, Maybe Mom is right, and all it takes to ply someone open is some good food and good company.
The two ate in silence on opposite ends of the bench as the spring wind rolled on, carrying the scent of cherry blossoms up to the clear, blue sky.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
- "For a thing to be lovable, it must first be loved." –this is taken from a quote by G.K. Chesterton: "There is the great lesson of 'Beauty and the Beast,' that a thing must be loved before it is lovable."
It's just that—it's a very Shizaya quote, don't you think? Especially since it concerns the story of Beauty and the Beast. We all know how that story ends, if only the Disney version. And it's…it's sweet, that's what it is. That you must love first before the one you love becomes lovable. And I just think that, in this story, it's Shizuo's who's the Beauty while Izaya's the Beast, which is ironic since the former is the one called 'monster'. It's just—I can't resist putting that quote somewhere, especially since it rings so true to the tale I'm trying to tell.
- Heiwajima Namiko is the name of Shizuo's mother. I'm not quite sure where it came from, but I got it from Durarara wikia, so if I'm wrong, please correct me. As of writing this, there are no known facts or details regarding Shizuo's or Izaya's parents, so I'm taking some artistic license in my depiction of them.
- Jyan Jakka Jyan is a Canon gang that got absorbed into the Awakusu-kai for some reason. I came across this fact while I was reading Durarara SH. It's name is really weird…it makes me think of Nyan Cat, and I keep imagining its members wearing cat masks or ears…(I don't know whether to find the mental picture morbid or funny)
- The Japanese school system, unlike the American one, starts at April. The first term ends at July 20nd, and then the school takes a break for the summer until August 31st. Second term lasts until December 25th, and then there's a break until early January. The final term ends at March.
However, for the sake of plot, I'm pushing the schedule a little ahead of time. So Shizuo and Izaya entered school at March, right at the beginning of spring, and began talking to each other around early April. As of this current chapter, it's still April, hence the cherry blossoms. The reason why I'm doing this would hopefully be clear later.