God, this took a while to right. Heh. I like the way it turned out, though. WHY ARE HORRIBLE FAN FICTIONS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE? WHY!?
*cough* Anywho, here you go, my poor, confused, traumatized readers. You poor, poor dears.
Chapter 8: A DARK TALE OF SUPER HAWT BROMANCE
What follows is Tak and the Fangirl's attempt at con-troll-ing the fate of the world through the awesome powers of fan fiction.
Tak types grammatically correct sentences in bold.
the fangirl writes uber-cute ungrammaticalful sentenceses :3
When they talk to each other, it is italicized.
Are you ready for a My Immortal-esque mindsplode? Here we go...
A DARK TALE of super hawt bromance!
by Tak and the fangirl-chan nyaa!
Jhonen and Dib ran quickly through the pouring rain. It was not painful to them, because they are human. Humans are very lucky in that sense. Soon, they would arrive at their destination. Jhonen wielded a scalpel madly-
and he looked so hot and gothic! dib looked up at him with love and admiration in his warm, brown eyes. teh rain kept pouring and pourin and jhonen smiled down at dib and said "are you ready 4 dis?"
"Yeah," Dib said, "I've been waiting ever since Zim got here! I can't wait to slowly slice into the little bugger's organs..."
or could he? he pondered the ethical and moral consequences of his actions-
Oh no he didn't! Zim deserved every stab!
"its ok if u dont wanna do dis, dib," jhonen comformted him.
"Of course I want to do this! I'm not afraid!" Dib said.
or was he?/?
"Stop making it all sappy!" Tak complained, "They go in, they chop Zim up, they go home. The end. What is your PROBLEM?"
"Zim can't die!" the Fangirl wailed, "He's too adorable to die!"
"Sh... shut up," Tak sputtered, "We agreed Zim would be dissected in the first chapter!"
"Fine! But he won't die!"
"Whatever. Just stop adding gross human love stuff to my amazing darkfic!"
"Let's go, then," Jhonen said. The rain stopped just as they reached Zim's little cul-de-sac.
"This time, it's for revenge, Zim," Dib said quietly.
meanwhilz, at skool...
"What!?" Tak said, "What's with the 'meanwhile'?"
"This story's s'posed to be about Lak Shmi! I can't just leave her and Gaz!" the Fangirl explained.
"Lak Shmi is stupid!"
"YOUR FACE is stupid!"
"Stop that!" Lard Nar admonished, "I do think it's important that we establish what the other characters are doing, however."
"Nobody cares what you think," Tak grumbled.
"Right, then," the Fangirl clapped her hands, "On with it."
meanwhilz, at skool...
"i hate skool," said gaz, "evryones such a posr."
"wats a posr" asked lak shmi.
"its a loser who hates on your awesome bromance fic (Taktaktaktak)"
"oh i h8 dem" lak shmi said.
"hey look heres my clas," gaz said.
"yay lets leran stufs" lak shmi said gofficly.
the both went in looking all cool and goff an all the boyz were lik "gaz is so hawts" but they couldn't see lak shmi becuz she was a ghost an only cool ppl lik gaz can see gosht.
Meanwhile, back in the part of the story that actually matters...
Dib knocked on the door. Zim's cruddy SIR unit opened the door.
"PIZZAAAAAAAAAAAA!" it said obnoxiously.
Jhonen killed it.
"Whoa whoa whoa!" the Fangirl cried, "What- no! You can't... you can't kill GIR!"
"I've done my research on darkfics. He dies in every. Single. One," she grinned.
"N...no! No! It's NOT TRUE! YOU'RE LYING!" the Fangirl sobbed, "GIR... GIR, my baby..."
"Um..." Lard Nar said, "Why did you have to kill the thing, anyway?"
"Because it's cool," Tak said.
"UM..." Lard Nar said again.
gir wuz acshully not ded.
Yes, he "acshully wuz".
i betz a hundred people are gunna h8 on this fic and its gunna be ur fault...
ANYway, Jhonen kicked the body aside. Dib looked at it, slightly disconcerted, then moved forward.
ur doin it 2! u made dib fink about effics!1
Stop ruining the story with your inane comments. Zim climbed out of his stupid toilet elevator device and gasped when he saw Jhonen and Dib.
"Oh no! Humans! IN THE BASE OF ZIM!"
"You're really good at writing for Zim," the Fangirl told her.
"I like to think so."
"That's right. It's time to find out what you've been hiding inside of you all this time, Zim," Dib said.
"I hope there'll be blood," said Jhonen, "They never let me draw blood. I WANTED TO DRAW BLOOD!"
"Holy... what did you do to GIR?" Zim asked.
"We're destroying everything that means anything to you, ZIm," Dib said.
"ONE BY ONE," Jhonen said, destroying Zim's base with
a singl awsome ninja move
"Good one," Tak said.
"NOOOOO! MY BEAUTIFUL BASE!" Zim sobbed.
"You're dead!" Dib laughed as humans gathered around the remains of the base, "And I'll be taking you... FOR SCIENCE!"
"dats so cliche and prep," zim said hawtly.
"shut up" said dib "imma invade ur body."
"What the heck?" Tak gasped. Lard Nar began to twitch a little.
"What? What's wrong with him saying that?" the Fangirl asked innocently.
"You are the most disturbing individual I have ever met, and that's saying a LOT!" Tak said.
Zim began to totally freak the freak out. "You'll never have me! NEVER!"
"We all ready do..." Jhonen said ominously. Zim looked up in horror to see FBI choppers circling his house. He tried to run but was tackled by muscular FBI... people.
teh fbi pple were stupid preps.
No they weren't. They were totally boss. Zim screamed as they forced him into this armored truck.
"Congratulations, kid," one FBI... person (I guess?) said, "You wanna see what we do to threats to society?"
"Heck, yeah!" said Dib.
"Awright! One dissection, coming up!"
"Can I come too?" asked Jhonen.
"Of course, sir."
"May I participate in aforementioned dissections?"
"Why, certainly."
"OH, HECK YEAH!" Jhonen shouted.
"Ooh! Me too, me too!" Dib said.
"Everyone in the fun mobile!" the FBI person said, open the door. Zim was being 'subdued', which is human for 'tied to the backseat and pumped full of drugs'.
dib looked back at his former emeny an felt bad cos he wuznt teh same all mesed up wif da drugs an stuf.
Oh yeah. He really missed being mocked and beaten up by good ol' Zim. NOT.
but there wuz 1 part of him dat felt sorta, kinda, a little bitz bad for zim?
No. No. NO! He did not feel bad AT ALL. He was in the fun mobile, ready to go to the FBI headquarters and MESS UP SOME ALIEN BUTT.
"Holy crap," the Fangirl said, "You think I'M dirty?"
"What? Oh... oh my... Irk... I didn't..." Tak blushed, "Well, you made me do it!"
"I didn't! I didn't!" the Fangirl laughed, "There's hope for you, yet."
"Hey, Nar, what do you-" Tak looked around. The Vortian was gone. "Where'd the prude go?"
"I dunno. Probably off being cute somewhere," the Fangirl sighed romantically.
"Probably..." Tak said.
Lard Nar was currently off being cute down the hall, snacking on a bowl of nachos. A shadow loomed over him.
"Uh... hello?" he said softly.
"Not a word," the Producer said. She pulled out a katana... a FREAKIN' katana! "Take me to the freaks."
Zim woke up to discover he was lying on a stainless steel table. He was paralyzed, somehow. It must have been the humans.
"Enjoy your rest, Zim?" Dib chuckled.
"Dib-thing..." Zim said hoarsely.
Jhonen flipped a knife through the air, but didn't catch it. He didn't have enough mad skillz to be able to catch a knife in midair.
"So, where, exactly, does one begin when dissecting an alien?" Dib asked him.
"You begin," Jhonen explained, "Wherever you want, and only stop when there's nothing left."
"kyaa!" zim screamed hotly. hes soooooo kawaii!111! i lloooove hiiiiim!
"That's enough!" shouted a voice with an even thicker, cooler, awesome-er accent than Tak's. In the doorway stood a woman more goth than the Fangirl, more British than Tak, more heroic than Dib, more powerful than Jhonen, more twisted than Zim, more creepy than Gaz, and more of a Mary-Sue than twenty Lak Shmi's. Beside her stood Lard Nar. He waved a little sheepishly.
"Oh my god!" the Fangirl, "You're that one girl! That cool girl I always draw!"
"Horribly. You draw me horribly," the Producer corrected, "Now, you imbeciles, stop trying to turn a perfectly innocent children's story into a monstrosity by Stephen King."
"What?" Tak said, "We're fixing the story.
"In 'fixing' the story, you have created some horrible, gaping plot holes. Like, what is happening with Lak Shmi and Gaz? Or aren't the Resisty going to land soon?" she turned to Lard Nar, "Thanks to the leader of the failed Resistance, I have you cornered in a web of confusing plot twists!"
"But this is just another confusing plot twist! You've created a plot twist paradox!" Tak countered.
"This is the confusing twist that will bring it all together, however," the Producer explained, "For as we speak, the Resisty and the Almighty Tallest are about to crash into Zim's base and disrupt your stupid dissection sequence!"
"The dissection sequence wasn't stupid!" Tak shouted, "I really wanted to write that..."
"Tough luck. Also, surprise! I brought you a gift," she dumped an unconscious Lak Shmi and Gaz onto the floor.
"Shmi!" Lard Nar gasped, "And... a purple-haired human!"
"That's right. How's that for a plot twist?" she grinned.
"That's cheating!" the Fangirl huffed, "You can't just bring them there with no context! It doesn't make sense! Now the Tallest going to Earth has no point!"
"Doesn't it?" the Produce smirked, "Just like THE DARK TALE of super hawt bromance!was just a pointless filler chapter?"
"What?"
"Never you mind that. It's all coming together, now. Soon, there will be a nice conclusion to this train wreck. It will all be quite... pleasant."
"Pleasant, how?" Lard Nar asked.
"Let's just say it involves putting this series to rest once and for all," the Produce said, twirling a fine, ivory stand of hair around her delicate finger, "I think I should be the one to put the plan in place, of course."
"You don't mean...?"
"Yes," she said, "It's time to use the world's most horrible plot device: And everybody died. THE END."
...or is it?
DUN DUN DUNNNN!
Is the universe going to be destroyed AGAIN? We at Mysterious Mysterious know the answer is... A RESOUNDING MAYBE.