*You guys are simply amazing! Thank you all for the wonderful reviews, follows, and favorites. I am so happy to know you love this story as much as I do!
BechloeJeca lvr and Jutord, thank you for the reviews, and welcome to the story!
Just a heads up, this chapter may be a bit OOC for Beca, but as I struggled to figure out how she would react, this was the scenario I felt fit best. I hope you enjoy it!
PS-I saw the trailer for Anna Kendrick's new movie Cake today, and it looks amazing! Jennifer Aniston really did an incredible job from what I can tell, and it's nice to see her in a more serious role. Anna of course looks amazing too :) Be sure to check it out!*
I lay in bed and stare at the clock as midnight turns to 1am which soon becomes 2am. Finally, at 2:20, I give up and climb out of bed. I throw on a pair of jeans, a pale blue top, and sweatshirt as I think about where to go.
At the last minute, I head into the bathroom to retrieve a hair tie. I pull the drawer open to see the clearblue box staring up at me. I stare back at it for a few seconds before picking it up and holding it in my hands. Jeeze, just take the fucking test already. But a small part of my brain stops me. Taking the test, seeing the results, it makes it all real. I scoff to myself at the thought. Hey dumbass, it's real whether you take the test or not. Refusing to acknowledge the situation doesn't make it go away.
I put the test back and grab the hair tie as I quietly make my way out into the night. Summer is winding down, and the air is cool. The smell of Fall is in the air, and the cool wind feels good against my skin.
25 minutes later, I find myself sitting in a booth at a 24 hour diner. At 3am on a Saturday morning, it's pretty dead. Besides me, I notice a group of college students presumably ending their evenings, and a few truckers either getting ready for or ending their shifts.
An older woman comes over to take my order. I'm not particularly hungry, but I haven't eaten anything since lunch yesterday. So I force myself to eat at least a little of something.
"Yeah can I have a short stack of pancakes, um and a coffee?"
"Sure thing sweetheart!" She smiles, taking my menu from me.
I look down at my flat stomach. My brain is not at all able to even begin to imagine what I'll look like with a bowling ball under my shirt. I'm so tiny and thin, I'm not even sure my body is fully capable of carrying a human being to full term. Was that even possible? Could you be so small that your body just couldn't carry a baby? Not likely. There was that show on TLC once about the little people. That woman birthed 4 kids, including a set of twins. I was so screwed.
The waitress came back quickly with a fresh hot cup of coffee. The aroma swirled around my head as I breathed it in deeply. At least this didn't seem to make me sick.
I went to grab the creamer, but paused midway. Was this caffeinated? Should I have ordered decaf? That was a thing, wasn't it? Weren't you not supposed to have caffeine if you were pregnant?
I thought it over in my head before finally giving in. Fuck it.
Part of me still hoped there was a slight chance I wasn't pregnant. Despite the fact that my period was over a week late, my breasts were swollen and felt like somebody had pounded them with a meat tenderizer, I was puking, and emotional as all get out. Right, but there was still a chance. Sure.
I did have options though.
I looked down at my stomach. Yeah, I had options, and in every one of those options, someone got hurt. Nobody wins in this situation.
If I can just ignore Jesse long enough, maybe he'll leave me alone. I could break up with him, maybe I could tell him that I changed my mind about LA. I could change my mind about LA, and go raise the baby out there while I-While I what? Pursue my music career? Sure, a baby will fit right into that plan.
In the end, all I know is this. Jesse cannot find out.
"Beca, are you up? I need your help!" I hear her yelling through my closed door as she bangs insistently.
It was after 4am when I got home this morning, and I'm ready to sleep the morning away.
"God, Chloe, go away! I'm sleeping!" I groan as I rolled over in bed, settling deeper into the covers. She opens the door anyway.
"Sure, come on in, that's cool." I mumble, my eyes deadlocked. There's totally a chance I can still fall back asleep.
"I know, I'm so sorry! I just ran out of tampons and need to steal one from you, I'll be really quick, you don't even have to get up!" She apologizes.
Good, that was my plan. Maybe I could avoid all my responsibilities and stay in bed for the rest of my life. Sounded like a good idea to me.
"What the fuck?!" I hear her exclaim. Before my brain even has time to process what would make her say something like this, she has barged back into my bedroom.
"Beca, wake up, right now." Her voice is harsh, and I can tell something serious is about to go down, but I just really don't feel like opening my eyes and dealing with it.
"It's Saturday Chloe, go away." I moan.
"Why the hell is there a box of pregnancy tests in your bathroom drawer." She asks me.
Okay, my eyes are open now.
I sit up in bed, suddenly fully awake as I look at Chloe standing in front of me in her pajamas with the clearblue box in her hand. Fuck.
"Look it's not that big of a deal." I explain to her, but she scoffs at me as her mouth forms an O while she paces the room frantically.
"Is this what's been going on?! How could you not tell me about this?! Last night would have been a perfect time!" She screams. She was officially flipping out.
Chloe, dear sweet Chloe, the girl who was nice to everyone and try to soften any blow she possibly could was now pissed. I had never seen her angry before, nor had I ever even heard her so much as raise her voice at anyone. And yet here she was on a Saturday morning in September, screaming.
"Chloe stop okay! I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it, but it doesn't involve you! Please, calm the hell down!"
She finally stops and presses her hand against her temple as she tries her best to compose herself. She places the box on my desk and sits down in the rolly chair.
"You're right, I'm sorry. I overreacted. I've just gotten used to you being able to tell me things. I thought if you could tell me that you told Jesse you loved him, that you could tell me about this." She apologizes, her expression much softer.
"Yeah, well, there really isn't much to tell." I mumble.
"Are you not pregnant?"
"I don't know, I haven't taken the test."
This information sets her off again, though she tries not to show it, and I can hear her mutter something under her breath.
"Beca, how late are you?" She asks. I know she's going to go crazy when I tell her.
"9 days as of this morning..." She throws her head back and puts her head in her hands.
"Are you...have you...what the hell...Christ...I..." She can't even form a coherent thought.
"Is this why you've been fighting with Jesse? Does he have any idea about this!?" She yells, her composure waning with every new piece of information I provide her.
"This is not Jesse's problem." I state, refusing to look at her.
"Bullshit Beca! what, you climbed on top of yourself and got pregnant?! Jesse is every bit as responsible for this as you are!"
Great, here come the tears again. Wasn't there a button to turn this shit off or something? I got out of bed and began pacing.
"No, it's not his problem, okay? I was the one on the pill, I was the one who took responsibility for the birth control, I'm the one who somehow fucked it up. It's my fault, Chloe, my fucking fault! I will not ruin his life because I'm stupid!" I yell.
I put my head in my hands and begin to sob, I was so beyond angry at myself. I just couldn't bare to do this to Jesse.
I soon feel her arms wrap around me as she envelopes me into a hug and I smack my hand against her chest, admitting defeat.
"Sweetie you really need to take the test, I know your 10 days late, and your throwing up, but you need to know for sure." She reminds me as she pulls my hair to the side. I nod my head in response, I know what needs to be done, even if I don't want to do it.
She sits on my bed and sighs as I head into the bathroom with the box.
I close the door, and my hand shakes as I work to open the box. It's then that I realize I'm still crying. God, I wish he was here with me right now. It should be him I'm crying to, not Chloe. Part of me wants to just grab my phone and tell him, but I don't. Instead I sit on the toilet, fumbling with this box and mentally kicking myself for being such a fuck up.
It finally opens.
I pull the instructions out and glance over them. It isn't rocket science, I pee into a cup and place the pregnancy stick inside of it while it detects whatever it needs to in my urine.
"Chloe?" I call out.
"Yeah?"
"I need a disposable cup." I cry. It's not even worth wiping the tears anymore, they just continue to come.
She returns within seconds and hands me a red solo cup. Normally, I would see the humor in this, but right now? Not so much.
I close the door again, and pull my pants down, filling the cup about halfway. I stick the pregnancy test in before collapsing onto the floor.
I sob.
I cry for Jesse, I cry for myself, I cry for what this means for us.
And I'm just so fucking angry. I desperately want to get away from myself.
I lie there on the floor pounding my head with my fist, trying so desperately to think of where I could have gone wrong. Did I miss a day? Did I drink too much? Did we have sex too many times? What did I do to cause this?!
I know I have to stand up, I have to look, but I just can't bring myself to do it. This is a problem I can't run from, and it's just killing me. But I don't have a choice. I force myself to look.
Pregnant.
I convince myself this is a horrific mistake, and take another one. And when that one turns up positive, I take a third one.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
All 3 tests, all positive.
I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't speak. All I can do is stare.
"Is she alright? I just need to know she's alright!" I hear him. The door opens and I hear his voice.
"Yeah, she's fine, it's just been a really rough morning and she really needs to talk to you." Chloe explains to him.
He thanks her for calling him. I'm not at all sure what she said to get him over here, but part of me wishes she could have just told him what was happening. I still didn't have the slightest clue how I was going to explain this. I was caught now, I couldn't lie any longer.
I'm sitting Indian style on my bed, with tears streaming down my face as he slowly opens the door. He walks in and see's me and I just lose it.
I sit on the bed, crying heavily as he makes his way over.
It's obvious he's completely unsure of what to make of the situation unfolding in front of him. He sits down on the bed, facing me, and tentatively reaches out a hand to my cheek, as if to test the waters. I grab onto it, missing how his touch feels.
He moves closer to cup my face in his hands. He kisses my forehead, my cheeks, my nose, my lips, before resting his forehead on mine and taking my hands in his.
I can't. I can't do this, I just can't.
"You...n-n-need to go in...in the b-b-b-bathroom." I choke out. This is by far the most hysterical I've been in my life.
He nods his head as he begins to edge his way off the bed. His gaze never leaves mine as he makes his way into the bathroom, as if he's afraid that if he looses eye contact with me I'll melt into some puddle of sadness and tears.
It feels like an eternity that he's in there. And slowly, slowly, I begin to rock back and forth on my bed as my hands grip my legs.
When he does begin to make his way back out, I can't bare to look at him. I must look like some deranged psycho as I sit on my bed, rocking back and forth and sobbing. But it doesn't seem to phase him, and with each step, he brings himself closer and closer to me.
He reaches out to touch me, but I shake my head.
"No, no don't. I don't deserve it." I sob. He doesn't listen as he begins to lift me up and place me into his lap. I fight him the entire time as I yell at him to stop.
Finally, I give in.
I wrap my arm around his neck as I bury my face into his chest.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Oh God, I'm sorry." I apologize over and over and over again, until I declare there are literally no more words in my body. And then, I just whimper, tears still falling, until I finally fall asleep against his chest.
*Jesse POV*
I look down at my phone to see Chloe calling me, and I can't help but sigh, wishing it was Beca's name that had popped up instead.
After weeks of the moodiness, the silent treatment, the death glares, and the avoidance, I just wanted it to end. I just wanted us to get back on track. I missed her so damn much it was killing me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't focus, I could barely eat. And I certainly couldn't for the life of me understand why we were back to square one again. We had had such an amazing summer together, I had totally convinced myself that things could only go up from here. And that first month back, things were incredible. We couldn't seem to stay apart. Things were just as they should have been, and then September hit. Since then, Beca has retreated back to the girl I first met. The moody, quiet, irritable alternative girl who shut the world out. I didn't get it.
I picked up the phone, greeting her.
"What are you doing right now?" She asks.
"Laying in bed, why? What's wrong?" I question, sitting up a bit straighter. I hold my breath as I wait for a response.
"Nothing's wrong per-say, but umm...look Jesse it's been a really emotional morning for her, she's got a lot of stuff going on right now, and I know she's been a bitch to you, but-" I cut her off instantly.
"Chloe stop. I'm on my way right now."
I throw my jacket on and head in the car. It's gonna take me 25 minutes to get there, and I already know I'm going to hate every minute of it.
I try and dissect every minute of my 30 second conversation with Chloe as I weave in and out of traffic.
She said she was fine, so she was alive. But what if she wasn't? You're not going to call someone and tell them over the phone their girlfriend is dead. Maybe she's just waiting to break the news to me when I show up at the house.
Jesus, do you hear yourself? She's not dead.
An emotional morning...We had an emotional night. Did she finally open up to Chloe about what's been bothering her?
I can't understand why she would go to Chloe first, before me, but I don't even care at this point as long as she's talking to someone.
I finally pull into a parking spot and practically hurl my body to their front door, I can't wait a second longer. I don't even care about the fights we've had the past few weeks, none of it matters anymore. I just want to see her.
I open the front door and burst inside, Chloe is standing in the kitchen.
"Is she alright? I just need to know she's alright!" I breathe.
"Yeah, she's fine, it's just been a really rough morning and she really needs to talk to you." She assures me. And for the first time in 30 minutes, I can feel myself breathe easily.
"Thank you. Thank you for calling me."
"Of course." She nods.
I make my way up the stairs to her room, completely unsure of what I'm about to find when I walk into her room. Carefully, and slowly, I approach the door. I can see her sitting on her bed.
Gently, I nudge at the door, to open it slightly. She's crying. She looks horrific and my heart instantly shatters.
I look over at her and she meets my eyes, instantly beginning to cry harder as soon as she sees me.
Just the sight of her in such pain makes me want to cry myself. I can't for the life of me imagine what could possibly have her so emotional, but I just want to hold her. I just want to hold her, and kiss her, and tell her that there is nothing we can't face together.
I make my way over to her, slowly, but surely, and sit down on the bed. I look up at her, God how I just want to take away her pain. I just want it to stop. Unsure of how she will react, I slowly reach out my hand to touch her cheek. She instantly grabs it with her hand. I take this as a good sign. With tears brimming in my eyes, I reach out to touch her with my other hand, cupping her face in my hands.
I kiss her. I kiss her all over. Her forehead, her cheeks, her nose, her lips. Still unsure of what is happening right now, I just need her to know that I'm here, and my love for her is unlike anything I have ever felt in my life.
"You...n-n-need to go in...in the b-b-bathroom." She finally chokes out. I'm still confused, but nod my head.
I get up off the bed, not wanting to leave her. I just want us to sit there, holding onto each other and not letting go. I can't stop looking at her even as I make my way into the bathroom. I catch one more glimpse of her tear stained face before making my way in.
I look down on the counter. There's a red solo cup, it's the first thing that catches my eye. I look inside of it to see a bright yellow liquid.
It doesn't take me long to glance over at the opened box and the three sticks.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
My breath comes out heavy, and I feel like I'm about to be sick. This was what she was hiding. It explained everything.
She didn't want to be around me.
She was moody
She was tired
She was throwing up
She didn't want me to touch her breasts, complaining they were sore and bothering her.
She kept this inside of her for who knows how long, completely terrified to tell me. Did she think this was her fault? Was she going to just ignore me and do this on her own?!
I try to think about all the times we've been together, and which one caused the conception. How far along is she?
I was going to cry.
I walk out of the bathroom to see her sitting on the bed and rocking back and forth. She seems to grow more hysterical by the minute, and she refuses to even look at me.
I make my way over, and reach out to touch her. But she shakes her head in protest.
"No, no don't. I don't deserve it." She sobs. But I can't, I can't not hold her. The tears begin to fall as I pick her up and bring her into my lap, with her yelling at me to stop the entire time.
Finally, she gives in and allows me to hold her. She wraps her arm around my neck and buries her face into my chest.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Oh God, I'm sorry." She apologizes over and over and over again, until finally she goes quiet, and the only thing to be heard is her whimper. Soon after that, she falls asleep. Her beautiful face red and stained with tears.