It was sad to see Jay leave, but I knew he was itching to get back. I knew I was a bit of a burden to him, though by the time he left I was a bit more mobile than when I got there.

"If you need anything, call me," he said to me. "I'll come right back."

"I'll be fine, Chris is capable of taking care of me," I said. "Call me when you get there."

Jay nodded and kissed me on the cheek. He shook Chris's hand and said good bye.

"So, this is what you do all day?" Chris asked me when Jay left.

"Hey, want to try it?"

"No, no thank you," Chris said with a smile.

"It's got to be horrible," Jessica said to me. She started to play with my hair.

"So, what's your plans when you get back?" Chris asked me.

"Get the team back, you and I, kick ass," I answered. "What did you think I was going to say?"

"Hardy's," he answered.

"No, we're far away from that," I told him. "One step at a time here."

I don't know if Chris was worried that I wouldn't come back with him. I told him when I got hurt I would, to keep the momentum going with someone else while I was coming back. He hated that idea. It was weird for him to hold a belt with someone else that wasn't me, especially when that person wasn't there to earn the belt with him. I'd feel the same way. I'd just as much give the belt up to someone else then hold onto it with someone else.

If the tables had turned, and Chris was sitting here and I had to fight without him, I don't think I could do it. I know he didn't want to do it, and I know the only reason he kept it going was because I told him to. Had I hadn't made him I don't think he would have. Me, I would have let three teams battle it out for the belt.

I also know that Chris and I weren't much of a team. The talent was there, I said that already, but I was so washed up in my match with Amy that it took away from Chris and me. People forgot that we were the Tag Champs because of it. I don't blame them, but it was hard to focus on anything else. He stuck by me though, through it all. Never once did he say let's take a break or anything like that.

I have to admit, it was kind of weird being with him now. Chris and I had chemistry, and we were a hell of a team, and very close, but we never really hung out. We got closer when our team formed, but we weren't close like I was with anyone else. He didn't know everything about me, and I him. Our matches and style were effortless so we didn't have to spend so much time talking about them. It was like we just existed as a team, together, and rolled with the wind. I'm not saying that Chris was a bad friend or anything like that, please. We just never took our relationship to that next level, and I don't think it'll ever really get there.

Chris knew about the Matt situation, who didn't? He knew that I was a troubled kid, had a past, and did a lot to try and make it better. He knew about the cutting situation the day before my match. He knew about all that stuff, but he didn't really know about it. We didn't talk like Jay and I did, and no one talked with me like Jeff had. We weren't bosom buddies like Adam and I are, and the relationship I had with Matt was different all together. No one really knew how Chris fit into our little alliance. Everyone else made sense; everyone else had an attachment of some sort to me in some kind of way. Matt and Jeff were on a team with me, Paul was my protector, Adam and Jay just fit personal mixing with professional, even Dwayne somehow fit into the mix better than Chris. Charisma, that's what I say. But Chris had that too; he was the odd one out.

You can't say that we all had a similar style, if that were the case, Dwayne and Paul would be the odd ones out. His style was closest to everyone else's than those two. And you can't say that we all made more noise than Chris, Chris made the most. I guess it all comes down to characters. The Hardy Boyz and Edge and Christian had been going at it for years, they were one in the same sometimes. The Rock, well, he found his way into just about everything. Triple H, again, a protector. Chris Jericho was the loaner. Y2J never really fought alongside anyone for too long of a period.

Now when I look back, it was Dwayne that was the odd one out. He had no real connection to me, or to anyone. He and Paul had a lot of matches in the past, but the alliance somehow drew out of me. I never set out to be anything in this business, all of my successes sort of fell into my lap. And there are many people who hate me for that. There wasn't supposed to be an alliance, there wasn't supposed to be anything like this.

I am one of the most loved and hated person in our business. Loved for being the biggest, balliest, toughest, bad ass since Chyna. I turned women wrestling on its side. I came out and did things that women in our business never even thought to do. I was World Champion, more accomplished more than any woman, and some men, would ever dream of. I didn't take the sex appeal at face value. I wasn't a "Diva" until later when I established myself, and even still I'm not like that. I was myself in front of the crowds and away from it, and that's all I could ever hope to be.

Hated, well, hated for being in this business without any real passion, hope, drive, or desire to be here. I was the girl who took training for my acting career, for better stunts. I was thrown into the business early, I didn't work my way up like everyone else did. I didn't sleep in my car for days on end while I pushed myself in some half assed wrestling federation that had its matches in the YMCA gym. I came from nothing, from nowhere, and I dominated. I came in and ruled when people who had been struggling long before me still weren't at the top of the game.

Now, the passion is there, the desire and drive are there. It's weird, I never set out to accomplish anything, but the moment I stepped out of that curtain, I was hooked. I've earned my strips now. I wouldn't have had any of the opportunities I had if I wasn't good enough for them. I know I created enough drama, but I was able to back it up. I was the biggest surprise. The girl from nowhere was able to rule it all.

I was never one to be self confident, but I think I can say, with ease, that I am the biggest woman to walk through the curtain. I was one of the biggest things to pass through the ropes. I was able to hold my own. It's because of that, that I am both loved and hated with the same amount of passion.

All of this was something I never really talked to anyone about, except Jeff. There are conversations that Jeff and I only had with each other in the wee hours of the morning because we just couldn't sleep. This was one of them, to some degree. I never felt a reason to tell anyone how I felt about all of this because I know all I would hear is how good I am now and all that I have done and it doesn't matter because I'm so good. It doesn't help. Jeff was the only one I could talk to about absolutely everything without fear of judgment and I would get a real response.

It's time like this when I do wish I still had Jeff in my life. I know that things were heading in a positive direction, but it wasn't, and who knows if it will ever become what it was. Jeff and I were never ones who needed a whole lot of sleep to function, four hours was good enough, sometimes less than that if at all. That's when we'd do all of our talking. Jeff and I weren't a conventional couple. We didn't communicate like normal couples. We didn't do anything like a normal couple. Our conversations happened at 3 AM. We were affectionate, but when no one was looking. We didn't fall all over each other. It was just different.

Paul and Stephanie are the quintessential couple. You see them holding hands, kissing, being somewhat affectionate. You know by first glance that they are in love. It was different with Jeff and me, you didn't know at first glance. It made us different than anyone else.

When I'm awake at three AM, which is more times than not, I miss having someone just as awake to talk to. Jeff and I were the perfect complement to each other. We were weirdly unique and only we could understand that about each other. There wasn't a person in the world that was able to grasp at me like Jeff could, and when it was over, I felt more introverted than I had before I met him. I lost the one thing in my life that was able to keep me in check, the one person who could keep my emotions from going off in a thousand different directs. With Jeff, I had an outlet for all the crazy things that spun in my mind.

I don't think, though, that I would have ever thought that I would get the way I did without him. I never anticipated the massive break down I had. I know I had a ton of things to be guilty over, and I was, and it was that on top of everything else that sent me way over the deep end. It was a catastrophic break down, everything fell on its side for me and I didn't know how to recover from it. I just threw myself into my work, into that match, by doing that, I would be ok. Somehow.

I had done so many stupid things before the Matt/Unforgiven situation. I had slept with many people's boyfriends and boy's friends and so on. It didn't matter then. They deemed me a slut and I moved on, they came back to me because none of us knew any better. But this time was completely different. I loved Jeff, love Jeff. I wasn't acting on some drug induced haze. My mind was clear and I betrayed him. There's something a bit more forgiving when a deceitful act is done under the influence.

I knew what I was doing when I slept with Matt, I knew I wasn't under anything, I was sober. I knew it would hurt Jeff. I was totally coherent and conscious. I was acting on my own free will. Jeff knew it, Matt knew, I knew it, and Jeff knew that Matt and I knew it. We were all conscious of what happened and what would happen because of it.

It all comes back to my very first month or so here. I was shameless. I hooked up with Adam in a McDonald's bathroom for crying out loud. Part of who I was before coming here was still attached to me. Slowly that part began to melt away, the closer I got to Jeff the more I began to change. I was able to see that there was more to life than what I was used to. I was able to see that someone saw something in me that wasn't a way to get laid or get high. That someone could like me for just being me, even love me.

Before Jeff I didn't believe in romantic love. I didn't believe in there's someone out there for everyone. For me, you used people to get what you wanted out of them, for some kind of satisfaction, and you moved onto the next when you've drained out everything you can from them. If its money, drugs, sex, companionship, whatever it may be, you leech off of them until there's nothing left to suck. I had every intention to jump from one to the next when I first got here, and back again, hoping they wouldn't catch on. That's what it was like in the bright beautiful lights of Manhattan, faking it on the upper west side, and diving deeper and deeper in the pits of the Village, East Village, and SoHo.

That became a metaphor for me when I first started here. I was faking it with the best of them, pretending I actually belonged here, while in reality I was sinking. I didn't, and in some people's eyes don't, fit in here. I had to fight to get some kind of credibility, and I like I've been saying, I will always fight. My life will always be fronting glamour and success while I have to fight to get a glimpse from those walk with me. In a way, I like the bitter taste of it. It reminds me that I still am human and I still have to strive for something. I don't want to be on top of the world, then I have nothing left to live or fight for. Believe it or not, this feeling, this attitude makes me push harder and not give up.

Chris had started to walk around aimlessly in the house. He was bored. He was happy for the time off, but bored. Jess had left a little while ago to go to her mothers and help out with some kind of craft fair. It was just Chris and I.

"I was thinking," I started. "When I come back, how we should kick start this team again."

"Yeah?" he asked sounding really interested.

"Yeah, I mean, what if you were in a title match and I came in and knocked out your partner, while you pinned the opponent, and bam, we're back. I mean, it would be a lot better than this, but this is all I got so far."

"It could work," he said. "Have to make it dramatic. That's how we do it."

"What would be more dramatic than taking out your current partner and reclaiming my place?"

Just then a huge smile crossed Chris's face. "You should come back as a heel!" he said with such excitement that could rival that of a child who walked into FAO Shortz for the first time.

"What?" I said.

"I'm serious; follow me for a second here. I am one of the best heels in this business, and I don't have to be a cocky bastard to say that. I got the routine down to a science. It's been a while since I played the bad guy, why not?"

I shrugged my shoulders. Heel. Something I never even thought of being. I was the good girl my whole career, and there's nothing wrong with it, but why not jump to the dark side? Chris was right he was one of the best at it, him and Paul. I never thought about it because I didn't think I could do it, I just never had the chance. I was brought up with the most loved tag team and then Amy took over the heel role with perfection. I don't even think I would have had to try to be the good girl.

People have been able to identify with me, in some aspect. They knew that whatever it was that was going on in my life, what they saw being played out was genuine. It was real and it couldn't be made up. They weren't seeing a drama, but my real life being unfolded before them, and they felt bad. I was honestly hurting, I was honestly in as much trouble as they saw. It's why I could have never been the bad guy, I had too much pull.

On the other hand, it would be nice to play on that and do a complete 180. No one would expect it. There are some people that can transcend good and bad, like Paul, even Chris, though he chooses to be the bad guy. I'm not there.

"Do you think I could even pass as a bad guy?" I asked.

"You're good at what you do," he answered.

"So, there are a lot of people that are good at what they do and they couldn't pass as a heel even if they wanted to."

"True, but you're different," he said. "This isn't an everybody can do sort of thing. It goes both ways too, someone who's been bad their whole career can't suddenly turn around and be the good guy. To play both sides you really have to have mastered this profession, know its ins and outs.

"Hey, I know people have been telling you how good you are how much you've done and that there's nothing for you to worry about when you get back, I'm not one of those people. Yes, what you have is something that doesn't come by too often, but if you decide to walk down the bad road, expect to fail. You'll be able to do it, but don't expect to be liked for it. You still have a ton to learn. Some people like to sugar coat the world like it's going to help anyone out. But, if you're willing to learn, I am more than willing to help."

I smiled. "I dunno, I'd really have to think about it. That's a huge jump for me."

"Baby steps," he said.

Heel, bad guy, me? I can honestly say I never thought of it, not once my entire career thus far. I was, as Chris was mentioning it, pretty convinced that I was one of those people that just couldn't do it. But, he was putting it in my head that maybe it could work. It wasn't like I was going to go and jump heel right then and there. If I was going to do it, it was going to take a lot of planning.

This was the perfect situation to do it though, I had to admit. I was going to be gone at least a year, shorter though if I had anything to do with it. That wasn't the issue though, anyway, no one would be seeing me in awhile, and if Chris started to go that way, I could easily slip into the character when I came back. No one would expect it or know how to deal with it, I'm sure. It being the least expected thing for me to do upon my return was a pretty tempting reason to do it.

"We'd be one bad ass team then," Chris said. "In more than one way."

"How would you do it?" I asked. "I mean, if I said yes, how would you go about orchestrating this?"

"Well, your absence from the business helps, a lot. Make it some sort of revelation, that, while you were away, you realized that being the nice girl doesn't get in anywhere; it gets in you in a hospital bed. Oh! Being the good, nice girl only gets your belt taken from you and puts you out for a year. Even though you and Amy had that one last rise of the hand, the time away made you realize that it wasn't worth it. Maybe being bad, being mean, taking what you want whenever you want is the way to get the belt back, the way to gain respect. I haven't really thought about it, but that's how I'd start it."

"Wow," I said. "Pretty good."

Chris was so good at this, making up story lines and figuring out the best way and the best time to jump ship. He was a talented wrestler, yes, of course, that goes without saying, but his ability to formulate plots and story lines and twists and turns made him incredible. Once he entered the WWF, Vince had him planning out his own stories, his own ideas. If a new up and comer worked with Chris, they wouldn't just get the opportunity to work with one of the best wrestlers, they had the opportunity to work with one of the best minds of the business. It's things like this that you don't get the credit for, fans tend to over look it, think it's all Vince McMahon and his band of guys, but it's not. You hack it enough and prove yourself, you write your own way.

"You know, if you wanted to, you could start your own federation," I told him after a few minutes. "I'm serious; you have that business mind for it. I don't want you to up and leave now, but if anything should happen, it would be an option for you."

"Thanks," he said. "It's one thing I've been really good at, and that's piecing things together. I'm a showman; I am all about the entire show. It's not just the show you put on in the ring, it's the show you put on out of it too, it's the whole package. You can be a great wrestler, but if you can't hack it on the mike, forget it. If you can't put together a decent interview or string of interviews or part of your story, you're not worth half as what you are in the ring."

"It wasn't until that last match where I realized that I could put it all together. I guess I was lucky though, I really didn't have to piece it together myself, hardly ever. It was either Matt and Jeff, or everyone in the Alliance, or everything just fell into place with Amy."

"See, there's hope for you yet," Chris joked. "I wouldn't worry though, you come from the acting background, you have nothing to worry about in that department. And, it's pretty obvious you don't have to worry about the wrestling part, though I was worry in the beginning."

"You were?" I asked.

"Naturally, we see a lot of guys come and go without so much as a hiccup, and these guys lived for the business. Word was going around that Vince saw some girl training in New York and liked her enough to bring her on bored. We were pretty excited. Vince doesn't usually do preliminary meetings and scouts, so we were excited that there was going to be a new female around and if Vince had went himself to New York, she had to be damn good, and we needed that. Then word got around that you were an actress, not such a bad deal. Then, we got word that you were just working on a few things for a movie you might be doing and this was all just away to better you stunt performance and I was nervous. I didn't think you would last one day, no matter what Vince may have saw in you. People don't stumble onto wrestling and like it, let alone be good at it. I was worried you were going to really hurt yourself or put a serious dent in the business the short time you were going to be on camera.

But, Vince assured us, those who knew and those whose opinions mattered enough to him, that this was different. You were a natural and that you were being thrown in with Matt and Jeff your first day. Again, I was nervous. He was pretty convincing though, and convinced you were it. The new direction of female wrestling he said. You proved it, your first time out, and proved it each match after. This pay-per-view, that was your point, you're it, you're in, you've made it."

"I felt the same way, sort of. I didn't think it was going to work, I didn't think anyone was going to like me. I was scared to death of what I was going to see and do. But, you're right, it worked out, and I do feel like I've made it."

"See," Chris said. "You've managed to kick ass all the way to the top. Now it's time to have everyone turn on you and hate you and be a heel."

"Is this because you want me to be a heel, or do you really miss it yourself?" I asked.

"Both," he answered. "I do miss it. I get to say and do things I don't get to when I am supposed to be good. People love to hate me and I love to be hated. So, yeah, I do miss it. Also, I think you could be pretty good at it. You've got the right attitude that it might work. I don't think you are too loved to be hated. There's a possibility there."

"I'll considered it, but for you of course," I said with a smile.