Depression Is A Good Lover
19th June
Robin spends the days following the incident in the shower in a daze of sorts. Eyes dead and glazed over, no appetite to speak of, spending the majority of the day in bed. He has isolated himself from the rest of the prison, not unlike how he spent much of his time before Brendan's arrival.
On the third night he drops the pretence and doesn't even get out of bed for dinner. Brendan brings him back a plate of slop – with Robin abandoning his kitchen duties subpar porridge is being served for every meal – so it is actual slop.
"You have to keep your energy up in this place." Brendan tells him, unceremoniously dumping the plastic bowl onto their shared table.
He's not hungry, but he rolls out of his bed, pulls down his hood and picks up the meal. Brendan's not one to take no for an answer, so he swallows a spoons of cold bitter oats, unable to summon the energy to argue.
He forces down half the bowl, doesn't have a watch on today so doesn't know how long it's taken him, but he knows it's too long. He can feel each second drag by, all awhile Brendan's eyes are on him, he hasn't looked away, even for a second. This is why he is hyperaware of time passing, Brendan's focus is solely on him alone, the only thing breaking the thick silence is the sound of him chewing.
He gives up, tosses the bowl aside and for the first time in days makes eye contact with with Brendan. Brendan doesn't say a word just keeps staring, the younger man thinks he may just turn to dust under the intensity.
"What?" He asks, wanting to break the awkwardness.
"Nothing."
"It's not 'nothing'. Whatever it is, just say it."
"I haven't the faintest idea what you're on about."
Robin is becoming increasingly infuriated with Brendan's calm aloofness. He knows that he has something to say, has an opinion so why doesn't he just spit it out?
"I'm fine." He tells him.
"I didn't ask."
"But you want to."
"Yeah, I'm curious, intrigued…"
Brendan notes the change in the boys expression, even more down turned, if possible. 'Curious' and 'intrigued' weren't the wisest words, makes Robin sound like a lab rat, or a smoking monkey for Brendan to figure out.
"It matters, whatever is going on with you it matters to me. But you'll tell me in your own time."
The young boys smiles, it feels odd, unfamiliar, the muscles in his face turning up. He doesn't know when it happened, when they become more than cellmates, more than two criminals assigned to share the same space, but here they are, friends. Brendan Brady the coldblooded killer, is making sure he is fed, safe and mentally stable.
This is the cellmate he had dreaded the arrival of, the cellmate he feared may smoother him in his sleep, the cellmate he thought wanted to trade sexual favours for safety. He has the sudden need to apologise for all his misconceptions, because this very same cellmate has become one of three people in the world that he cares for. Maybe the only person in the world that can make sense of the scrambled mess that is Robin's mind.
So he opens up.
"I'm a monster."
"Kid, I've looked into the eyes of the devil himself." Brendan tells him, thinking of his father. "I've gone against some of the most heinous people." Danny, Sampson and Walker. "Every time I look into the mirror I see the face of a monster." Himself, the biggest freak of them all.
Robin shakes his head, Brendan doesn't see it, doesn't get it. "If you hadn't stopped me I would have killed him." He tells him, he needs to make him understand. "I wanted to kill him." He's admitting it to himself as much as he's admitting it to Brendan.
"You've been through a lot." Brendan reasons.
"Stop making excuses for me!" He snaps.
There it is again, that temper. This isn't the first time Brendan's witnessed it, but it's always gone as suddenly as it appeared. Like a candle flame being extinguished.
The boy is meek now, apology in his eyes. But Brendan doesn't want it, he doesn't want him to be sorry. Robin needs to own his anger, let it out or it will own him. Control him. Consume him.
"I'm not making excuses. You have been through a lot. You're still that thirteen year old boy hiding away in his sister's wardrobe trying to block out the world. Up here." Brendan taps his temple twice, indicating his meaning. "But you're not him anymore, you're not even the boy I met all those weeks ago. You're brave and ambitious, you have strength in your heart."
"I don't feel like any of those things. I'm a coward, revelling in other peoples pain. I enjoyed it."
"What you did to Lincoln." It's not a question, Brendan knows, he saw it in his eyes that day. The boy nods. "That doesn't make you a monster."
"Brendan, I lost it. I don't even remember half of it, I literally blanked out from the sheer rush of it."
Brendan doesn't know what to say to talk the boy of the ledge. He never was good with words but he understands how the boy is feeling. Like he's different, like there's something rotten inside of him, down to core.
"When I was a boy, my father would call me a fairy, poof, faggot and I believed it. Yes, I see the irony. But I was eight years old, I wasn't gay or straight, I was a just a boy. My father he was a bully and I became a bully, would use my fists to control people, people who cared for me, some I care for. All to take back the power that was taken from me."
"You understand then?"
"No, we're not the same. Paralysed in that wardrobe, silenced my police who didn't believe you and what happened to you in this place..." The rape, he thinks. "You were left powerless. What you did to Lincoln, it would have felt like taking back the power, but the man is a bully for the sake of being a bully. He's the monster, not you."
"Neither are you."
"I never said-"
"You were thinking it."
-8-
Not much is said that night, Brendan makes a joke about being grateful for Robin getting back to normal because he is craving a decent meal. He really just wants to see how the lad would react, isn't entirely sure if their talk has helped or done any good. Robin laughs, and replies that nobody wants to see an hungry Brendan.
-8-
24th June
Brendan stays up to date on current events, likes to know what's going on in the outside world. There are newspaper lying around the leisure room but they're never current and there are always pages torn out. Instead he has one of the prison guards deliver copies of both national and local newspapers every morning.
It's on the front page, the face and headline that put everything in motion. He sits calmly reading, with his overly sweet tea, taking in every single word. The headline alone, printed in big bold letters, makes his decision easy. He reads the entire article, wants to know it all. By the end of the day he is going to have blood on his hands again.
When he's done he folds the paper in half and neatly keeps it with his belongs. A reminder.
-8-
Brendan and Robin go about their daily routine as normal, gym, shower, breakfast in their cell, and finally daily mass for Brendan and letter writing for Robin.
Robin can tell that something is off with Brendan. He's quiet, and not quiet: I have no time for the people around me, but quiet: I'm in my own head. His workout at the gym is punishing, he hardly touches his breakfast and when Robin says, "you need to keep your energy up too" he looks straight through him.
When Brendan finally returns from chapel Robin notes that it's almost an hour later than usual. When he asks what the hold up was he doesn't really get an answer, just mumblings about an old, slow priest. Brendan doesn't tell him that he stayed behind to prey and make confession.
Catholic churches are almost always open, because you never know when you'll need salvation. Confined in his current accommodation Brendan only has access to a priest for a couple of hours on weekdays and then again for Sunday mass. He's fortunate to know in advance that he will need salvation and he's not sure when he'll next get the opportunity to confess, he has the foresight to do it now. While he still has the chance.
Brendan can't say he prays often, he's not sure if he sees the point. With all the good, innocent people in the world why would God be listening to him? Not that he thinks he has be abandoned, the house of the Lord is always open to the lambs of the Lord. Jesus's arms are always open, even for the worst of the sinners. However, with everything he has done, the way he lives his life, he knows it is he who turnt his back on God. So he reserves he prays for the ones that he loves, for when the good and innocent people he loves need it.
He cannot forgive himself this life and so sometime, sometimes he needs to pray for himself. He stays behind after the service, in the chapel that feels like it has a direct line to God, lights a candle and he prays for his soul, prays forgiveness for his sins.
The priest tries to offer him comfort and solace, Brendan supposes that is his job, no matter who you are or what you've done. But all he needs from this priest is to be a channel for his forgiveness, to absolve him, because Brendan cannot do it for himself. The priest is an interpreter of his punishment: he receives four Our Fathers, six Hail Marys and is sent on his way.
It doesn't seem like enough penance.
He still doesn't forgive himself.
"It's lunch time." He tells his cellmate.
-8-
Brendan scans the canteen for the face he's looking for. The papers said he was transported to Liverpool Prisons yesterday, he must have spent the entire day locked away in his cell. New inmates sometime do that, keep to themselves the first few days, to acclimatize. When he doesn't find him straight away he fears he's still up there and he doesn't have time nor the patients to go looking.
Like fate the man himself walks through the door just as Brendan's about to start his search of the prison.
-8-
Robin has never seen Brendan like this, he senses the change in him, sees it in his eyes. Brendan's normally calm and all swagger, he can see the tension in him. He's searching the room, when he doesn't find what he's looking for his breathe becomes heavy. He turns to leave and he looks pissed, Robin puts he's arm out to stop him because he can tell he's about to do something stupid but he stops suddenly.
Robin follows Brendan's eye line, he is watching a guy with dark hair, tight lips and steely dark rimmed eyes. He's a new inmate but Robin recognises him, he saw his face just hours ago on the front page of Brendan's paper.
Brendan normally chucks out the newpaper once he's done wit it, but today he neatly kept it with his things and then acted strange the entire morning. He knew it was wrong and a violation of Brendan's privacy but while he was at church Robin dug it out and looked through it. The article that took up the entire first page, and a double spread on pages six and seven is about this man. A photo of his face took up must of the cover, the headline read: DOCTOR DEATH, FINALLY CONFESSES. He had killed an young Irish nurse that lived in the small village of Hollyoaks.
Irish.
Hollyoaks.
Murdered.
Robin put the pieces of the puzzle together very quickly and suddenly has a very bad feeling about what is going to happen next.
-8-
Brendan is across the room and has the doctor, Shirley Paul Browning pinned against the wall in what seems like a blink of an eye. Paul is wide-eyed, obviously scared and surprised by the attack, frantically he claws at Brendan's hands, wrapped around his neck.
Brendan doesn't seem to notice that marks have drawn blood on the back of his hands and forearm. He merely chuckles, low and ominous and it seems to change something inside Paul's head.
He'd spent the last day crying over the betrayal of his wife, telling himself that they we're still together, they were supposed to be together. Meant for one and other. But now looking into the eyes of the man that is going to squeeze the life out of him he feels what Lynsey, Lindsey, Cindy, Myra and Mercedes would have felt when he came after them. Scared, survival instincts desperately kicking in. But he has nothing to live for, to survive for, no job, no money, no wife and when a man looks at you like that, has decided your life should end, there's no stopping him. He knows that better than anyone.
He drops his hands by his side, why fight?
-8-
Warren watches from the corner of the room, eating his crumble, enjoying the show. After the visit from Brendan this morning to cash in his finial favour, 'look after the boy, keep him safe', he knew something was up. But he couldn't imagine this was what Brendan had planned. Such a public act was stupid, but Warren had said it himself, Brendan Brady is a nutter, and anyway he's always been one for the theatrics.
Warren had seen some things in his time, seriously violent and fucking brutal beatings, had carried out some himself. In prison you can't imagine the inventive ways people come up with to inflict the most amount of pain, could make even the toughest of guys grimace. Prison beatings can also be effective to send a message or prove a point, some of the most professional beating he had ever seen.
This was something else.
-8-
The guards try to pull him off, one, two, three, four run over in an attempt to separate the two men. One guard takes his baton to Brendan's back then to the weak point behind his knees but it doesn't deter him, he barely acknowledges It.
He won't stop, can't be stop.
He feels Browning's hyoid bone snap under the pressure, the man takes his last breath and the light goes off behind his eyes.
The body slums, no longer a being inside to keep it up right. He releases his hold, let's the pitiful man fall to the floor.
The room is silent and the guards have all stepped back. People die in prison all the time, but this seemingly random and heartless murder has sent a shock through the food hall.
Brendan turns to face the room, shakes off the spasm running along his should, shakes off the murder. He raises his hand, surrenders because he's not going to resist or fight back. One of the guards, the bitter one, who hates the 'vile scum' in this place and hates working here, takes Brendan's left wrist and roughly twist it behind his back, does the same with the right before cuffing him.
"You've just earned yourself a stay In the hole." He sounds almost gleeful, whispering into Brendan's ear. His stale breath hot on the side of Brendan's face. "You're not going to see the light off day for a long time."