Watching the Sun Set

by catlover377148

We're leaving. I'm leaving. Leaving behind the place of nightmares, into the darkness of a changed galaxy, with a Force sensitive baby under my care. I'm doing the right thing. Right? Then why does it feel like I'm doing the wrong thing? TThemes- on halt

10. Wondering

A year later

I finally snapped today. Master Tahm tried to talk to me again about the Force, and I blew up in his face, waking Keira. I said, "I don't care anymore. I've had enough of trying to do it right and confront my emotions, but it hurts too much. Just leave me alone and let me stay numb. You never heard their screams. You never heard them die!"

I picked up Keira and stormed outside. Then I started crying, crying like I haven't cried since that day, well over a year ago. Keira kept stroking my cheek saying "It alright Mama. It alright," which of course made me cry harder. She's such a nice kid.

Eventually Tahm came out and apologised quietly. I think he forgot I'm only 16. I know I did. In fact, its my birthday next week. Birthdays don't seem to matter anymore. I can't even remember the last time I laughed. I think it was at the Temple, before the war.

I was so different then. I laughed and had lots of friends, and made them laugh. All the time. I was so happy and smiley. When I returned to the Temple a year later, I stopped smiling. My friends who were still there hardly recognised me. Keira understood though. She had been beside me the whole time.

It's painful to look back, but I refuse to lose those memories. Memories of happy times that will never happen again. Memories of a childhood filled with joy.

I wonder about my own family. Do I have siblings? Parents? Do they wonder about me? Do they know I'm still alive?

I never knew them, as was custom. Visited once when I was 3, but never saw them. I suppose its for the best. If I knew them, and they were rich, I might have been conceited. Or something. In any case, the Jedi Order is my family. Was my family. Am I Jedi still? The Empire would say so, but I'm not sure.

Now Tahm's sitting with me. We're just sitting, not talking or anything. I really like have him here. No matter how frustrated I get, I'll always be glad others survived. I'd hate to carry the future of the Order on my shoulders.

I'll always be glad I have Keira, she's my lifeline. I would never have got this far without her.