"And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years."
- "For No One", The Beatles
There was a banging sound somewhere in the distance, disturbing the otherwise tranquil surroundings of Edward's lonely home on the hill, but Edward chose to roll over in his bed and ignore it. Much to his annoyance the noise persisted, only getting louder and louder in its determination to drive him crazy. It was early in the morning, that much he could gather from the dim light seeping in between the blinds in the windows of his bedroom. He shook his head against his pillow, his mind trying to conjure up who it was that could possibly be banging on his front door at the ungodly hour that it was. Obviously, he wouldn't put it past his brother and sister and their unscheduled visits but Edward hoped they had agreed to draw the line somewhere. Somewhere preferably before sunrise.
The banging was incessant now, and with a groan of frustration Edward shot up in bed, throwing the blankets off in frustration. The noise was deafening, with barely a pause between the erratic thumping, and his hands instantly went up to cover his ears. It sounded like the Hulk himself was pounding his way into his living room. Hadn't he heard of a doorbell?
Edward made it to the door of his bedroom when he realized that the banging sound was not coming from downstairs, but instead from within the confines of his own head. His blood pulsated between his ears with such incredible force and tenacity that it stopped him in his tracks and made the room spin around him. He tried to piece together his evening the night before as he made his way, staggeringly, to his bathroom medicine cabinet in search of something, anything, to dull the ache in his head. He thought there was a bar. He knew there was alcohol.
That was all he could remember.
He could see images flash like blurs in front of his eyes with the majority of them making him groan loudly in disgust. He saw his music studio; he saw the blonde woman looking at him seductively from the couch under the window; he saw her clothes fall to the floor, and he realized then that he liked it much better when he couldn't remember anything at all about the night before.
His music studio of all places? He'd have to burn it now.
After his stomach was purged of all its contents, Edward turned the water on and stepped under the warmth of the shower. He closed his eyes, let the warm sprays turn hot and then cold, and contemplated the last two weeks of his miserable existence.
It had been two weeks since he had seen or spoken his father. Two weeks since that night when his father told him he shouldn't be visiting Chief Swan any longer. Even though his father's words felt like a punch to the gut, like a rug being pulled out from under him, he knew he was right. Perhaps that was why Edward reduced himself to nothing but a drunken haze in the weeks since. His conscience told him to say goodbye and the only way to silence that little voice in his head was to drown him with alcohol of any form.
He managed to make it to work everyday, barely, and he knew that the kids didn't mind seeing a summer school teacher with a blasé attitude towards their education. After work he would head to either his studio or his boat, finding solace in whatever or whoever could make him forget all of those temporary feelings of fulfillment he felt whenever he visited Chief Swan.
Edward knew saying goodbye to Charlie would mean he was saying goodbye to Bella and to his dream of ever seeing her again. Before the accident, he was at a point where he could function somewhat typically by current standards; he held a steady job, found hobbies that made him feel somewhat whole again, had a semi-loose grasp of familial connection. He spent a few nights here and there with active and willing female participants, even though he always regretted it the next morning.
He was alive, but he wasn't really living.
It all changed once he sat down next to Charlie. He watched as Charlie seemed to visibly improve, watched him move from his room in the ICU to a general hospital room, and watched as the color started to appear more beneath the tough exterior of his cheeks. While Charlie gained strength, Edward gained hope. It wasn't a feeling that he was accustomed to feeling in the years since Bella left, and now that he was starting to enjoy it, to bask in it, he had to leave it all at Charlie's bedside. He had destroyed the Swan family with his actions that day; Edward knew Charlie hated him for taking his daughter away from Forks and away from him. Even though he knew he had to leave Charlie's side for good, Edward felt he was being forced to say goodbye to someone and something he wanted to hold on to forever.
The last time he was forced to do anything was the day he told Bella he didn't love her anymore.
With a heavy heart, he stepped out of the shower and tried to settle his resolve. He would see Charlie one last time. Tonight would be it. First, he needed to apologize to his father. Hopeless as he was, he was glad he was still able to admit he could be an ass on multiple levels.
The ride to his parent's house was long, but Edward didn't mind. He used the windy roads as a compass to his thoughts, scattered and desolate. By the time he pulled his car into the driveway, it was sometime in the afternoon and the sun was trying to peep through the clouds. Of course the sun would come out when he was feeling his lowest. He walked up the front steps, calling out as he opened the front door and into the foyer of his parent's house. No one answered, but he heard the soft tapping of a keyboard coming from a room down the hall, and he followed the sound until he was directly outside of his father's office. He knocked softly on the open door, and his father looked up and exhaled softly, a tight smile forming on his lips.
Seeing Edward always made Carlisle feel a little more at peace; he had the lines of a worried parent etched forever on his forehead because of him. He gestured to the empty chair across from his desk.
"Sit down, I'm just finishing up."
"Take your time, Dad." Edward folded himself into the chair, his eyes looking around the office at the pictures hanging proudly on the deep green walls. The pictures spanned a total of thirty years, capturing equally the most secure and awkward phases of each member of the Cullen family. His eyes landed on a picture of him in a bright yellow gown, grinning from ear to ear. High school graduation. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt such happiness like the Edward in the picture had. He would do anything to feel it again.
"You smell like a brewery." His father's voice cut him back to the present and away from the picture, and Edward turned quickly and looked at his father across the desk. Carlisle's arms rested casually in his lap, his elbows propped on the arms of the chair.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure the fumes coming from my body can start a car."
"Should I be worried?" Carlisle always played the role of father first when it came to his children but every now and then his role of doctor penetrated through the edges. Edward shook his head.
"Not anymore. I've got it all out of my system. I'm over it," Edward said, thinking of his last two weeks spent in and out of consciousness. "I came here to apologize." He looked at his father. "Really, Dad. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked to you like that."
"Well, I was kind of asking for it. I never should have broached a topic like Chief Swan with you over a nice, cold draught."
"More like a dozen nice, cold draughts," Edward joked, and felt relieved at the sight of Carlisle's shoulders shaking lightly with a soft chuckle. He stopped laughing and looked at Edward.
"I accept your apology, Edward, even though I was never looking for one." Carlisle stood, in a signal that their conversation regarding Edward's behavior was over, and motioned towards the door. "Come on, I've been inside all day. Have to enjoy the sun while it's out."
The afternoon sun stayed in their favor, and Edward and Carlisle found themselves enjoying a bucket of balls at the driving range. The area around them was picturesque in the way the rolling hills of the driving range disappeared from one to the next, the way the bustle of the big city was far beyond the scope of their hearing. The only sound on the hill was the smack of the tiny white balls against the metal of the clubs and the wind in their ears. It was sobering, to say the least, and Edward was extremely grateful to find the burning edge of his hangover being taken away with the beauty of the great outdoors.
The two of them didn't speak much, at least not about anything that held any relevance, and it seemed neither of them objected to the companionable silence they were surrounded in. They had spent almost thirty years getting familiar with one another as father and son and refused to let a drunken misunderstanding come between a beautiful relationship.
Edward would always be thankful for the years that Carlisle had stood silently by his side as he tried to work out his demons. Not many people had the patience to sit by and watch as someone they loved traveled down the path of self destruction, that someone being your child no less, and yet Carlisle welcomed with open arms any decision that Edward had made. Whether it was Edward deciding to stay in Forks when it was obvious his life was destined for bigger and greater things, or when he made the decision to forgo medical school in favor of trying to find a passion that had been extinguished from his life since the day Edward found his life no longer held any meaning, Carlisle was the supportive voice Edward needed. Carlisle's only qualm regarding Edward's decisions was when he went over to Edward's house only to find Edward teetering over the edge of a brand new and quite beautiful boat without the first clue as to how to actually move the damn thing. It was the only time he thought his son had actually gone over to the dark side, and immediately questioned his son's grasp on reality.
As always, Edward had persevered.
They were packing up their golf bags into the back of Carlisle's trunk when Edward's voice broke through the peace, "I'm going to see Charlie tonight. Just to say goodbye. I think it will help me try to move on."
"You're ready to do that? Move on?" Carlisle slammed the trunk closed and watched as Edward sat down on the bumper and sighed, his hands running through his disheveled hair.
"Don't you think it's time? She's not coming back."
"No, probably not. But it's not up to me, or Alice or your mother, no one. You're the only one that knows if it's time or not." He joined his son on the bumper.
"I can't keep doing this to myself, Dad. I can't keep waking up everyday and waiting, hoping that this will be the day when everything is right again. Six years is a long time to watch your life pass you by." Carlisle nodded in agreement, weighing his words heavily in his mind before speaking them. While Edward always acknowledged his depressed lifestyle, he had never spoken candidly about the depth of his unhappiness. Carlisle tried not to anger or upset him.
"Sometimes the answer to a big problem is very simple. It just takes some time to see through the clouds." Carlisle said, his hands deep in his pockets. "It could be as simple as finding something that makes you happy, and just running with it."
"Happiness isn't something that is top on my list of daily achievements. Not many things make me happy."
"Okay, so maybe happiness is a little juvenile. Try purpose. Is there anything in your life, at all, that makes you feel some sense of purpose?"
Edward thought hard as his father's words permeated his thoughts, "Not anymore. The only time my life held purpose was when I had her. When Bella loved me." He laughed sarcastically. "Ironic, huh? The only thing that can make me happy is the one thing I can't have."
"No, not ironic. Expected. You were just a guy who fell in love with a girl. Believe me, you're not the first of our kind to be made a fool of because of a woman. And unfortunately, not the last. Just think of all the stupid things you've done in your life and I guarantee it was because of a girl, for some reason or another. Hell, I can think of at least a dozen ridiculous things I've done because of your mother. And I still love her for it, too. "
"I can't picture anything you do, or have done, that could be considered ridiculous."
"I took a course in gender studies about the power of women in modern society, failed it with flying colors, and it's still on my college transcripts. Your grandfather almost had me killed. And do you know why I took the course to begin with?" Edward shook his head. "Some girl who smelled like coconut and vanilla that was next to me when I was registering for classes for the spring semester."
"Mom?"
"None other."
"So the fact that I'm waking up in garbage cans or in random houses with random people is all Bella's fault?" Edward asked, raising himself off the car and heading towards the passenger side seat. He heard Carlisle laugh from the other side.
"Oh, no. That's all you, my boy. Look, all I'm saying is that maybe it's time to move on, but not give up any hope. If Bella holds the key to your happiness, then by all means chase it. But I think we can realistically assume she's not coming back, as much as it pains me to say it. Don't put your life on hold for something that may not happen. As John Lennon once said, 'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.' Live your life, but never stop hoping. I do think you're making the right decision about Chief Swan. Too risky." The car started smoothly and soon they were on their way back to the Cullen house.
After they put away all of their golf equipment and were treated to a gourmet meal from Esme, Edward was packing his leftovers into his front seat when his father came out to see him off. They held on to each other tightly, unspoken words flying from one's thoughts to the other, and Edward heaved a great sigh of relief. Maybe someday soon he would be able to know if his decision to say goodbye to Charlie was the right one. He did know that if he wanted to say goodbye, he needed to hit the road before visiting hours were over. As Edward pulled out of Carlisle's embrace, his father patted him on the back reassuringly.
"Just hold on to whatever keeps you happy. Even it means you end up being the only guy in a women's gender study class. Please don't ever tell your mother this, but it was absolutely terrifying."
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"I'm glad your Dad's coming home next week. The worst seems to over," Kate propped the phone tightly between her ear and her shoulder as she poured a handful of food into Rochester's bowl. "You can finally get to enjoy some time outside of the hospital."
"Oh, yeah, because Forks is known for its local attractions." Bella said. She put the bag of groceries down on the counter and turned to open up the refrigerator. "And, you're wrong. The worst is just beginning. Charlie and crutches and physical therapy are a nightmare beyond comprehension."
"The real nightmare of this situation is cleaning Rochester's kitty litter. Fuck, Bella, what do you feed this cat, protein shakes?" Bella heard the crackle of the kitty litter through the ear piece and she laughed for the first time in two weeks.
"Aww, I miss my little Rochester. How is he doing?"
"Besides tearing my house apart, he's doing just fine. How you are doing is the real question."
Bella exhaled loudly, closing her eyes in exhaustion. She let her body lean against the kitchen counter and for the first time in a while she stopped to breathe. It had been a busy two weeks, and she had discovered it the hard way. Juggling a four year old while trying to make the best arrangements for Charlie was almost impossible, and she was so lucky to have Sue around the house. Sue and Bella took turns spending time with Charlie at the hospital, talking to his doctors and physical therapist about ways to make the transition home for Charlie as smooth as possible. Walking was an essential part of the healing process and there was no doubt in Bella's mind that Renesmee would do a wonderful job of keeping Charlie on his toes. The biggest problem was with the stairs, which the doctors said it would be best if they were avoided altogether. The only bathroom in the house was located in the worst spot possible. Upstairs.
Two scenarios ran through Bella's head the minute the doctor gave her the news. Scenario One: she would give Charlie two days before he went stir crazy. Scenario Two: he would take pleasure in staying upstairs in his bedroom to avoid the stairs and the daily walk around the block that Bella and Sue promised the doctors he would do. Either way, it was a problem that didn't have a solution until a few days later when Sue stampeded through the house with an idea that Bella thought was absurd.
Transforming the dining room and hall closet into a bedroom and bathroom respectively almost made Bella laugh in Sue's face, but when Sue came over the following morning with a tall man and blueprints she finally realized that Sue was one hundred percent serious about this. Bella listened attentively as the man explained that it would be a quick job requiring only essential plumbing and wiring, and smiled appreciatively at the gesture.
"This is absolutely great," she had said with a soft smile, "but there's no way Charlie can afford this. I would help out if I could but between taking time off of work for the summer to come here and Charlie's hospital bills..." She trailed off. "I have to decline." Bella watched as Sue's face dropped, but the man shook his head adamantly.
"I would like to do this free of charge, Ms. Swan." The man's voice was gruff and strong but held a level of respect that Bella acknowledged. "Let's just say Charlie and I go way back, and I owe him one. Owe him several, actually. I'll have my guys bang this out in four days, tops. Up to you."
As Bella stood in the kitchen, eyes closed as she tried to shut out the banging from the construction workers in the dining room, her mind flew through the events of the two weeks since the offer to practically remodel Charlie's downstairs. Everything was a whirlwind. She turned her attention back to Kate on the other end of the line.
"I'm fine. Tired, but fine. A little annoyed, too. Charlie waits until I'm out of the house to get a second bathroom."
"I'm sure Charlie is going to flip when he sees what you've done to his little man cave. Does he even know what you've been up to?"
They did mention it to him, in passing, while he was fighting to stay awake. At least they can tell him he had been forewarned. If all went as planned, the house would be done before Charlie even came home. Renesmee was even doing her part by hanging up her drawings and paintings on Charlie's new bedroom walls for when he came home. He would sure love the bug people on his wall.
"The bug people? Do I want to know what that is?" Kate asked jokingly, plopping down on her couch since all of her duties pertaining to Rochester were complete.
"You know, it's the way a four year old draws a person. No body, just a circle with arms and legs coming out of the head. Looks like a bug. With a smiley face, of course."
"Of course, naturally so. Speaking of people, have you run into any specific people as of yet?"
Bella knew exactly what specific person Kate was referring to and she exhaled loud enough for Kate to hear her through the other end of the phone. It was a sigh of relief, and a worry that Bella was glad to be rid of.
"Nope, not a sign of any of the Cullens. Not one. Carlisle doesn't even work at the hospital anymore, shockingly." When she found out she wouldn't have to peek around every corner, making sure the coast was clear of a particular blonde haired doctor, she felt comfortable taking Renesmee to the hospital to visit. She felt everyday her anxiety decreasing at a steady pace, and she was getting even more comfortable with venturing out for errands needed for the house and Renesmee.
She had gone over countless times in her mind what she would do if she were to run into Edward. Would she yell and scream at him for destroying her chance at a lifetime of happiness with him? Would she collapse into his arms at the sight of him, realizing with full force that her ultimate desires rested solely with him after years of trying to suppress her feelings? Would she tell him about Renesmee and how she had never forgiven herself for keeping their daughter out of his life? She wished there was an easy, definite answer but Bella knew she was only kidding herself. Anything pertaining to her and Edward was never easy.
If there was one thing that she did know, it was that if she were to see him during her summer in Forks, the topic of Renesmee would shatter whatever ties of trust and respect that were left standing between Edward and Bella. He would hate her for keeping a secret as monumental as she did, and she would simply have to agree with him.
After Kate filled her in on the latest happenings of the store and Bella was confident that the walls of Chapter Chat would remain standing another night, they said goodnight and parted ways. Being home in Forks engulfed Bella with a sense of nostalgia, and nightly phone calls with Kate made her feel the same. She missed the little life her and Renesmee had created. She missed the ocean waves softly lapping at the shore, the orange sunsets, the cookies at the bakery a few stores down from her own. She missed Renee.
Renee was never far away and Bella had the texts to prove it. Her mother had suddenly had her phone glued at her hip, practically begging for a play by play of Bella's everyday movements. Renee had told her that she was just missing her daughter and granddaughter; this was the longest they had been apart since Renesmee was born. Speaking of time apart, Bella looked at Charlie's I'd Rather Be Fishing clock on the wall. The fish tail, or the hour hand, indicated it was almost 7:00, and Bella wondered when Sue and Renesmee would be home from the hospital.
The reunion between Renesmee and her Chollipop was a beautiful sight to see, and Bella would make sure to never forget it. Renesmee had been timid at first, clutching her doll tightly to her chest for support, when she turned the corner into Charlie's new hospital room. The minute she heard the news that Charlie was out of the Room For The Really Bad Boo Boos, she had literally demanded she go see him. Charlie opened his arms as wide as he could, and Renesmee ran, leaving her doll to drop on the floor in her haste to fall into his arms. She was exceptionally gentle, or tried to be, as she snuggled her way next to him in his bed. He even let her change the channel of the Mariners game so she could watch one of her favorite TV shows.
If that wasn't love, then Bella didn't know what was.
It was Sue's turn to visit that afternoon, so Bella quickly wrote up a grocery list and was about to gather Renesmee's things when Sue offered to take her with her to see Charlie. Renesmee would have nothing to do with grocery shopping, of course, when it was opposed to spending time with Chollipop. A few minutes later she saw headlights pull into the driveway and she got up from the couch to meet them at the door. A look of concern washed over her face when she heard Renesmee's cries and saw the tears glistening on her cheeks.
"Oh, sweetie, what's wrong?" She opened the screen door, coming onto the porch and scooping Renesmee out of Sue's arms. Sue looked at her apologetically and Bella put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"We forgot Baby in Chollipop's room," Sue said. Baby was Renesmee's doll, and she wailed louder at the words.
"I need Baby, I need Baby!" She cried, burying her head into Bella's shoulder.
"Okay, okay, shhh, shhh. Baby will be there waiting for you in the morning. I'll tell Charlie to feed Baby her breakfast." Bella's words intensified the situation, and she knew in a matter of seconds her adorable, fun loving child would turn into the spawn of Satan. Long days without naps made for beautiful evenings, Bella thought sourly. Five, four, three, two...
Bella tried her best to ignore the cries as she put Renesmee in her bath, tried her best to soothe the pain her daughter was obviously feeling over the separation from Baby. She knew as Renesmee still whimpered softly as she struggled to stay awake in bed that she would be making a late night trip to the hospital. The nightmare of Renesmee waking up the following morning without Baby next to her made Bella shudder.
"If I hurry, I can make it there before visiting hours are over." Bella grabbed her purse, giving a cursory glance at herself in the mirror before reaching for her keys on the hook. Sweatpants and black tee shirt would have to suffice.
"Do you want me to go?" Sue questioned, "I really don't mind."
Bella shook her head, "You've been out all day. Besides, I could use the fresh air." She hugged Sue against her chest. "I'll be back soon."
The ride to the hospital was uneventful. She knew Renesmee would be asleep by the time she got home, but Bella shrugged her shoulders in defeat. It was just another thing to add to her list of things mothers do for the sake of their children. Her dark hair bounced in waves against her shoulders, and Bella wished she had brought something to tie her hair back. It was muggy as the sun said its goodbye to the day, and Bella gave a quick smile and wave to the nurses who were fanning themselves outside of the entrance to the hospital.
It was definitely not the night to use the stairs because of the heat, so she waited patiently as the elevator opened and she pressed the buttons to take her to Charlie's floor. Pretty soon, she wouldn't have to step foot into the hospital for hopefully a long, long time.
"Bella, what are you doing here?" One of Charlie's nurses stopped her as Bella walked past the nurses' station. "Is everything alright?"
Bella waved a casual hand in the air, "Renesmee forgot her doll. We can't sleep without her doll." The nurse chuckled.
"Okay, on your way then. Charlie's visitor is in there, too."
"Visitor?" Bella asked, confusion dripping from her words. "What visitor?"
"You don't know?" Bella shook her head. "He's been coming every night since Charlie was admitted. We thought you knew?"
Bella thanked the nurse and walked the few feet between the nurses' station and Charlie's room, completely and utterly unprepared for what she would see.
A man sat next to Charlie's bed by the window, his head held in his hands. His elbows rested against his knees as Charlie slept peacefully across from him in his bed. She would recognize the copper of the hair from anywhere. The man looked up at the sound of Bella's flip flops on the linoleum floor, his eyes adjusting to the room before his brain became aware of the sight before him.
The man sitting beside Charlie wasn't just any man. It was Edward Cullen.
She didn't give him the chance to speak. Her hands flew up to her mouth, drowning out any sounds that could come from her parched lips. Her heart beat loudly against her rib cage, so loud she was afraid it would wake Charlie. She heard the nurse's footsteps come up behind her, but instead she flew through the door, back towards the way she came, inadvertently pushing the nurse against the wall in the process. She heard his voice shouting her name behind her as she ran, fled the scene of her worst fear coming to fruition.
Not only did he live in Forks, he was in her father's hospital room!
She pressed the buttons of the elevator frantically, a million thoughts running in her mind as she prayed, begged, for the doors to open quickly. The ding of the opening doors sounded like heaven to her ears, and she pressed the doors close right as he was turning the corner to the nurse's station. She caught one last glimpse of him before the doors closed.
"Bella!" He shouted, but his pleading was drowned out as Bella disappeared. Bella was thankful she had learned the ins and outs of the hospital over the past weeks, and knew there was an employee stairwell leading outside on the third floor. If Edward Cullen was still the same person Bella once thought she knew, he would be flying down the stairs and waiting for her at the bottom. The third floor light lit up, indicating it was her time to depart, and her feet took off before she knew where they were going. She slipped out of the hospital undetected, her footsteps echoing as she ran through the hallway and stairwell to the parking lot. Her hands were shaking as they slid the key into the ignition, and she contemplated pulling over as her car slid onto the interstate away from the hospital, away from Charlie, away from him.
There was a screeching noise in the air around her, and she looked out the windows to see where it was coming from. She could see nothing in the darkness of the night. It grew louder in intensity, indicating no intentions of stopping.
It wasn't until Bella looked into the rearview mirror that she realized the screaming was coming from her.
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