Ok yes, I know these past few chapters have been emotionally draining and sad, and maybe that's because I've been in a weird mood lately, I don't know, but slowly and surely they're getting happier. Okay, not exactly happier, but more heartfelt and less sad if you know what I mean.

Just a note… I am not a doctor so the medical information I've had in the past could be incorrect. However, about preeclampsia, in most cases it isn't too intense, especially if the woman who is pregnant is being monitored for it. Rarely, some cases will come basically out of nowhere and the only way to treat this kind of preeclampsia (if it is bad enough) is an immediate emergency c-section. I know, because one of my family friends has had this happen. If you want to read more about preeclampsia or hear about the stories that several women have gone through (sadly sometimes resulting in death or serious damage) go to: it is important to understand that Brandon's complications did not come from preeclampsia itself, it came from being extremely premature. Just thought I'd clear that up with you guys incase you were confused. Also I think Addie really blames herself, because preeclampsia can be monitored and pregnancies can usually go smoothly (although complications are very likely) and well, she's an OBGYN… (I vaguely have always wanted to become an obstetrician or pediatrician when I'm older which is how I know so much about this stuff… I've taken a child development course which educated about all this stuff… It's also why in most of my stories there is some kind of pregnancy or children involved subplot…)

Also another thing I'd like to explain is the lack of Meredith in this story. This story is written from Rachelle's point of view, so this is how she sees Meredith. It isn't necessarily how Meredith is, and if you've noticed Meredith hasn't been doing much talking to Rachelle, which I think is what would happen in real life due to the awkwardness… But trust me, they'll talk soon.

One last thing (I know you're ready to kill me) if I had gotten into the habit of naming the chapters… This one would be called "Somewhere A Biological Clock Is Ticking." Actually, no, because that's cheesy, but it has to do with the chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's… Or Addison's glasses (but I wish I did)

The whole day goes by kind of slowly, and I'm in a haze. I barely see the other interns, because I'm so busy with helping Addison, and after Addison lets me free, I have to do more consulting with Derek. Izzie and I have been chatting for a while, since Izzie is technically on the Landry case.

"Do you wanna come to Joe's with us tonight?" She asks me.

I suddenly feel guilty, "Actually, I probably shouldn't, not tonight, but thanks for inviting me."

She looks disappointed, "Do you have tomorrow off?"

I nod, "Yeah."

"Me too. You want to do something then?" I nod gratefully. Tomorrow I have off and Addie doesn't. Addie of course, has Sunday off, which I do too, at least, that's what Bailey told me. So I'm glad Izzie asked, otherwise I would sit around all day on my ass, which come to think of it, doesn't sound so bad.

I hope Izzie and I can become good friends, since I don't see much promise with the other interns. Our relationship is still in the awkward stage, where I don't quite feel comfortable with her, but I feel like maybe soon we'll be able to talk. Izzie nods, "So tomorrow we can probably hang at the house… Maybe we'll do something else, but I'm tired."

"Yeah," I say, "I'm tired too."

"And don't worry," she interjects, "Meredith won't be there." Of course. She lives with Meredith Grey. She's friends with Meredith Grey. Why does everyone have to be friends with Meredith Grey?

It's getting dark out and I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm about to go into the NICU to find Addison, when Mark approaches me. "How was your day, kid?"

The neon light in the hallway seems to flicker. "It was okay."

There's a sharp look on Mark's face, "How's Derek?"

"He's doing okay." I say, "You guys are the most pigheaded dudes on the planet, you know that right?"

"Yes, I know that." His face softens, "And how's Addison doing?"

"She's holding up well." I say.

He takes my arm, "So, Rach, have you made any new friends?" He asks, in a teasing sort of way.

I raise my eyebrows, ready to defend myself, "Actually I have. Izzie Stevens."

"Isobel Stevens… Hmmm, and here I thought you were going to be BFF's with Meredith Grey." He chuckles.

I scoff, "As if."

"Meredith Grey is actually a great person to get to know." Mark says in entire seriousness.

"Okay, this is not the type of thing that will win Addie's heart back."

He rolls his eyes, "Yes, you and Addie do have reason to hate her, but you don't actually know her. Have you ever thought about that? She's incredibly smart, and a nice human being. Imagine that!"

I laugh, "She's a ho."

"Even Addison treats her better than that." Mark laughs.

"What's with the sudden will to jump on the Meredith bandwagon?" I ask, curiously.

He shrugs, "She's just been where I've been. So I guess if you hate her, you hate me," He says, just as pigheaded as ever. Although, so am I.

"You're a ho too." I elbow him and he laughs. "I've got to go find Addie." I tell him. "By the way, I heard you slept with someone while you were with Addison."

"Didn't mean anything." He says, and waves at me, "Bye kid."

I quietly enter the NICU, which is giving off eerie hums and is very dark. I spot Addie leaning over baby Laundry's isolette. She's speaking to the child in low tones. I move closer to hear her.

"Hey beautiful," She's whispering to her, Addie's hand grazing the baby's cheek. "I am so glad you're okay." Addie coos, "So glad. You know, your mommy is going to be so happy to see that you're healthy. I'm so glad to see that you're healthy," She pushes back a piece of hair from her forehead, and continues, unaware that I'm right behind her. "You know, a long time ago I had a little baby just like you. He was a little smaller, and a lot sicker, but I loved him, just like I know your mother loves you. Sometimes I think I loved him too much. He was a really good baby, just like you are. I wish he was as healthy as you." She stops for a moment, almost unable to continue, "Nobody in the hospital knows about him, except for my family. I'm kind of glad no one here knows about him, because then they'd all look at me in this way." She sighs, "In New York they all knew. And they all looked at me in that way." She laughs, "Sometimes I wish I could be here with you all night long, where everything is simple." The room seems to echo with her lone voice. "I miss him. I want him back. I'll never have him back. I want a baby. I'll never have another baby." There's a faint sob at the back of her throat, but she tucks it back in, "Sorry. I shouldn't be crying. You're the one who should be crying, and I should be listening to you, not the other way around."

I turn around to leave, but she hears me. She whips around. "Oh god Rachelle! I didn't know you were here."

"Sorry," I say.

She's embarrassed. "How much did you hear?" She whispers.

"I didn't know you wanted to have another baby."

She shrugs, looking down at the floor, the glow of the machines casting a green tint to her face. "Well, we know that's not possible considering my situation."

I move closer to her, "But that doesn't mean it's never going to happen. Someday it'll happen for you."

"Who are you kidding, Rach? I'm getting old, and there'll never be a day when I'm ready for another baby." She says, and gets up, "Goodbye, cutie." she says, resting her hand near the baby's face one more time.

We ride home in silence. When we get back to the hotel, we are tired and beat. I know Addison doesn't want to do any more talking. She sits on her bed, her glasses perched over her nose just so, and reads paperwork.

I take my sketchbook out. I look through the old drawings. There are a few from Bolivia, of Kayla, of Camila the little Bolivian girl… I stop cold at the one of Diego. It's of him in his boxer shorts lying on one of the cots. Ironically, I've never been very good at capturing human anatomy, but I've always been very good at capturing emotion. Addison is the opposite.

Diego has a slight off-kilter grin on his face, which could be perceived as mischievous, but his eyes show a completely different emotion. The dark sketch lines of the pencil portray a small flicker, a love. I miss him, even though I was the one who broke up with him. I can't stand or even understand long distance relationships. Of course he wouldn't leave his precious clinic for me. How could I even have asked him that? There is that slight dimple in his chin that I love, and his dark hair is tousled. My fingers itch to pick up a pencil and start drawing.

I go farther back, and look at the picture of Derek holding Brandon high over his head. Derek's body is a little bit vague in the scratchy darkness, but in his face is a look of pure happiness. And, I'm pleased that I captured the babyish innocence of my nephew.

My heart beats for Diego and Brandon. My two losses. I'm glad I have them down in pencil, down in my sketchbook to forever remember. I turn to a blank page, and hurriedly begin to sketch out Addie. For some reason I feel as if I'm going to lose her soon. I need to remember her. I already have pictures of what she was like before her own losses… Derek and Brandon. Before she lost her happiness.

I sketch her body, the lines not straight, not neat, but messy and more realistic. When I have that rough sketch done, I realize I have to do her face. She doesn't know that I'm sketching her. She barely acknowledges that I'm here, breathing in this room just as she is. I draw her glasses. Her reading glasses are practically infamous for turning guys on. First Derek, and always Mark. They would always demand to see her in her glasses, and she would give them a wanton smile before placing them on. Now, her glasses make her look like she's trying to hide something. I draw them in quick black lines, taking pains to get the shape right. I draw her sharp cheekbones (which sadly, I didn't inherit from our mother… Instead I got my father's dull ones.), her pursed lips and the lines that have so suddenly appeared around her eyes. She gets up before I can draw anything else.

Addison stands behind me, looking at the sketch of her with papers balanced on her knees, looking somehow suave and sad in her reading glasses. "Nice drawing."

I rummage through my green backpack, and fish out her old sketchbook. She had given it to me before I'd gone to Bolivia, telling me that she was too busy to continue her little hobby (as she so often called it).

I throw it across to her and she catches it. "Haven't seen this in awhile," she remarks. She turns through the pages of perfect human anatomy and stolid faces. She stops on one of Derek and Mark. The only one where she successfully showed that she understood human emotion. "This is a good one." She says. The picture is of Derek and Mark with their arms around each other's shoulders looking like brothers. There are different kinds of admiration in each of the guy's faces. She managed to capture who they were, even though Derek and Mark were awful models.

"I miss us," I say, and to my horror start to cry.

She hugs me tight. "I know."

"I used to always think that they only hung around with me cause I was your little sister." I say, half laughing.

Addison scoffs, "You know that's not true. They need you just like I do."

"I know that now, Addie-baddie."

Summer vacation at the Hamptons rocked. The tradition started when Addie was nine and I was two, and we've been going ever since. There was one year where I remembered the most. The year where Addie and Derek were engaged, and Mark came along. We had a blast, and even though Derek claimed to hate the Hamptons, he always had a good time.

We were on the beach, Addie lying on Derek's bare chest, and me building a sandcastle with Mark, who had, to my surprise, never built a sandcastle before. I insisted we make one. I showed Mark how to place the bucket, but he couldn't seem to get the art down, and the sand would always crumble apart the second it stood alone.

"Kid, I give up. Who in their right mind would want to build something to just have it destroyed the next second?" He shook his head, laughing, and took off his shirt, leaving his tan skin to bake in the sun.

"Wear sunscreen!" Addie chuckled and threw the sunscreen bottle at Mark's head. Mark caught it suavely.

"Nice try." He smirked. Hungrily, he eyed a girl in a bikini who sauntered by.

I smacked him, "Jerk."

Derek grinned at his friend, "Scoping out the beach, huh?"

Mark stood up, grinning back, "At least I can." He said, eyeing Addie.

"Well," Addie said, "You wouldn't want to eye anyone else, would you honey?" She asked, innocently.

Derek shook his head quickly, "I'm all yours." He laughed.

"Can we go swimming?" I heard myself whining.

Addison groaned, "Not now."

Derek stood up and Mark shrugged, "I'll go," they said in unison.

I stuck my tongue out at Addie, "Ha."

Addie crossed her arms, "Well I'm not moving."

Mark smiled, "Suit yourself." He started running across the sandy expanse to the water. "Race ya!" He yelled. Derek made a look as if to say 'sorry honey', and then ran after Mark.

"Adios!" I laughed, and followed the guys in. I found myself splashing into the chilly waves. Derek and Mark were already out pretty far. A huge wave splashed over me, and I found myself falling and laughing at the same time.

"You okay, Rach?" Derek called.

"Fine!" I yelled back, and trudged in deeper, relishing the feel of the salty water against my skin.

Derek and Mark were swimming through the waves, seeing who could get to the lifeguard post first. Their friendship was all about competition. Well, about competition and other things, things Addison and I could never understand if we tried. Male friendships were odd in that way.

"Loser." Mark yelled from the 'finishing line'.

Derek didn't look angry, "You were a swimmer in highschool," he pointed out. "I did track."

I swam up to them, engaging in a water fight, and pretty soon we were all jumping and diving through the waves, splashing water in each other's faces. Obviously, Addison couldn't resist the fun, and ran in, shrieking as the cold water hit her. "Finally, the queen of the land decides to come and grace us with her presence," Derek swam up to Addie and took her in his arms, throwing her in the water. She splashed him back, and screamed. Mark joined in the fun. This was what I loved.

My perfect memory is interrupted by a knock at the door. "Who is it?" Addison calls.

"It's Derek."

"Come in," I say, before Addison can react. She glares at me.

"It's locked." Derek says, dryly.

I open the door to reveal Derek holding several cartons of Chinese food. "I figured you guys hadn't gotten dinner yet."

"We were going to get room service." Addie says with no emotion.

"Hmm," Derek sets the Chinese on the mini table. "Is it healthy to be living in a hotel?"

"You don't get to judge my life." Addie says.

He looks down at the ground. "I'm sorry, you're right."

Addison sits on her bed, and pulls the blanket up around her head. "What do you want?"

Derek sits next to her, "I want to talk and apologize."

I feel slightly uncomfortable, but Addie looks at me as if to say 'you let him in, you stay to endure the hell you've created for yourself'. I remain seated at the table. "Derek, we're divorced," She says. "You don't have to care anymore."

"I want to care." He looks at her.

Addie sighs, "Care to tell me what's up with you and Meredith Grey these days?"

"Do we have to talk about this?" Derek shifts uncomfortably.

"Yes." Addie and grabs the vial of nail polish that is next to her bed. She starts to paint her toes bright red, since manicures are prohibited in the OR for obvious reasons.

"We're doing well," He says stiffly. "But we both have busy lives and haven't been seeing much of eachother lately."

"That's sad." Addie remarks.

"It's fine." He pauses, "I want to know what's up with you."

She chuckles, "Why?"

"Because I care."

"Really? You haven't seemed to care about me in the least since I told you Mark and I were in love." Addison spits out.

Eek. This is new. Addison admits she and Mark were at one point in love to Derek? Can my life just be over now? Or can I at least stop being my sister's keeper?

Derek coughs. "I hadn't known that; it surprised me."

"How come you didn't care as much when it was just sex?" Addie demands to know.

Derek sputters, "Addison! Rachelle is here!"

She rolls her eyes. "Rach isn't five! She knows what sex is! In fact, she's had sex before. Need I remind you of all the times where she walked in on us, or visa versa?" I cringe. Derek cringes. "Derek, if it makes you happy, I haven't had sex in a month."

"That doesn't make me happy Addison."

"Well it should."

"No it shouldn't, Addison. I'm concerned about you."

She purses her lips, "You have no right to be here, Derek."

"Addie, I don't think you were a bad mother. You were an excellent mother. We were both good parents. No one is to blame for Brandon's illness, it just happened."

"You were a good dad." She says quietly.

"You were a good mom." He whispers and suddenly holds her.

"I don't think Meredith would approve of this." She says, and pushes him away.

"Addie…" He starts.

"Our son died four years ago, Derek. We're divorced. I slept with your best friend. You love another woman." She says, and her voice shakes again, "And damnit I've already cried too much today!"

He cradles her head in the nook next to his neck and places his hand on the curve of her head. Her body is shaking. "Addison,"

"I-I can't believe I'm crying again."

They stand there together, cradling eachother in some kind of slow dance. Time seems to move a little slower just for them, as if this moment is crucial. He holds her like he used to with Brandon, "Shhh." He whispers.

Addison settles in his arms. It's her home, mostly, although now in Mark's arms she also feels at home. "I miss you." Addison admits. "God I miss him so much. Everything's changed Derek. I can't live like this anymore."

He strokes her cheek, "You were never good with changes." He looks at her, and I'm sure neither of them is aware of what they want in life. They've always loved eachother, but there are so many hardships to conquer. It's almost not worth it. It's almost like Diego. I thought he was the love of my life, and then I left. I didn't know why I had to be in so much pain, why I chose to hurt so badly, but sometimes you have to do these things… You don't know why, but you do. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I stayed in Bolivia with Diego, or what would've happened if Brandon had never died. We'd all be going down completely different paths.

"Do you remember when Brandon was a year old? He decided to paint all of our walls neon pink. Boy you were angry." He smiles, "But luckily it was just the playroom, and so you decided to turn it into a big mural. You and Rach and Brandon spent days painting the room with different words, beautiful pictures, and of course, neon pink. Mark and Brandon made handprints. Are they still up there?"

Addie gives a little nod, "Yeah. They are."

"Did you sell the brownstone?"

She sighs, her eyelashes clustering together with tears. "I couldn't. I tried. But I couldn't." He hugs her again, and motions to me to join them. I shake my head and stay in my seat. I look down at my sketchbook; I've been absent-mindedly sketching the two in a slow dance. It's beautiful. I almost want to paint it with bright colors and put it up in the playroom for all to see.

Addison holds out her arms to me, and I reluctantly stand up. She throws her arms around me, and Derek does too. We stand there for a while, our heads together. I can feel their warm breath on my face. We're pretending everything is the same, but it's not. Tomorrow Derek will get up and love Meredith once more.

"It's hard to believe he's gone." Addie whispers. "Some nights I wake up and I think I hear him crying."

Derek nods, "Sometimes I think I'll see him hiding under my bed, but when I look he's not there."

"I dream about him all the time." We're still standing. "What do you think he'd be like now?" I ask.

"He'd be so handsome." Addie said. "He'd be so smart. He'd be able to speak perfectly, in huge sentences, and I'm sure that if we took him to the hospital to visit, he'd walk the place like he owned it."

"He'd build things. Huge towers. He'd build cities. I would take him fishing and he'd love it." Derek smiles.

"God I hope not." Addison sputters. Derek chuckles.

"He'd be a chip off the old block." Derek says.

"Or he'd like designer shoes." I point out.

Derek smiles, "Do you think there would've been others?"

"Other kids?" Addison asks. Derek nods.

"Definitely." I say.

Derek looks at the ceiling, his eyes shining. "I always wanted a little girl."

"Me too." Addison whispers, gripping my hand.

"A little girl named Sophia."

"That's beautiful," Addie nods, "Clara."

"Clara." Derek agrees.

"I can't believe that's all gone." Addison says.

"What do you mean?" Derek asks incredulously, "Aren't you going to have children?"

Truthfully, I've always imagined a future Addison with at least three kids. She shrugs, "I don't know. I used to always see myself with children, but now I can't. I would love a kid, but I'm not ready, and it's just… just not possible. I'm busy. My life has changed."

He grips her elbow, "Don't say that. You don't know." He awkwardly kisses the top of her head. His beeper screeches. Derek looks at it in indignation. "911." He looks at us, "Ladies, I have to go." Now he looks only at Addison, "You were a great mother." He says, glancing at her one more time before shutting the door softly behind him.

Ugh so I'm kind of at that point in the story where I'm DESPISING my writing. It's actually come to the point where I can't even read my own writing without shuddering… Do any of you ever have those moments? It's also a very slow time in the story where nothing major is happening… There is a lack of action albeit a whole lot of emotion. Also there are a lot of things I'd like to happen that just can't due to Rachelle narrating the story (third person is a lot more open when it comes to this stuff). Thank you guys for being so supportive, the reviews really keep me going, especially when I'm at the point where I think I'm a terrible writer and just want to do some math (which is weird because I'm not a huge math fan… and now I'm rambling!)

One more thing before you all kill me for letting myself rant this much… I now have decided whom Addison is going to end up with at the end of the story. Muahahaha. At least I have something done, because to tell you the truth, I am just as indecisive as Derek and Meredith, and I don't really have much else figured out.