FACADE STAGEPLAY Wed Feb 20 21 21 55 2013
GRACE Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?
TRIP What, Grace... this?
GRACE Yes, you know how I feel about it -
TRIP I know I know I'll do it right now, alright?!
GRACE You know I've had to ask you about this several -
TRIP Get off my back! I'll get rid of it in just a minute!
HEATHER .
GRACE Fine, Trip... fine...
(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)
(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)
TRIP Uhp, she's here!
GRACE What?! You told me it'd be an hour from now!
(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)
(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)
TRIP No, she's supposed to be here now!
HEATHER LET ME IN!
GRACE God... Trip!
(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)
(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)
(Trip opens the front door.)
TRIP Heather!
HEATHER 8 BALL!
TRIP Hey! It's been too long! - (interrupted)
(HEATHER hugs trip.)
TRIP Yeah, hi!
TRIP Wow, it's so great to see you after so long.
TRIP Well come on in!
TRIP Uh, let me go get Grace...
TRIP (unintelligable arguing)
(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)
(HEATHER closes the front door.)
TRIP (unintelligable arguing)
TRIP (unintelligable arguing)
(HEATHER picks up the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")
(HEATHER sits on the couch.)
GRACE Heather,
GRACE Hi! How are you? Oh it's so nice to see you, it feels like it's been forever!
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Yeah, how - how are you doing?
(The advice ball reads, "Never")
GRACE I just asked her that...
TRIP Well I'm asking her too!
GRACE (frustrated sigh)
HEATHER I'm good how about you guys?
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE Aw, ha ha ha!
(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")
GRACE By the way, you look fabulous!
GRACE Make yourself at home, come on in!
GRACE So, Heather, - (interrupted)
HEATHER I really like your top grace.
PHONE ** RING **
GRACE Oh, I'll get it -
TRIP No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it.
PHONE ** RING **
HEATHER phone? MANDOLIN?
PHONE ** RING **
TRIP What? Wait, wait, let's just wait for the answering machine...
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")
PHONE ** RING **
ANSWERING MACHINE ** click **
ANSWERING MACHINE You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!
HEATHER can I use your phone?
ANSWERING MACHINE ** beep **
TRIP Oh, well, hold on... (clears throat)
ANSWERING MACHINE Travis, are you there, it's your mother, I haven't heard from you and Grace in a while,
GRACE Anyhow, Trip's parents... They're sweet people, really down to earth -
TRIP Uhh, no, they're ignorant, they wouldn't know what a cumberbund from a cucumber.
ANSWERING MACHINE I'm just calling to find out if you've settled in to your new apartment, that's all...
GRACE (frustrated sigh)
ANSWERING MACHINE Give me a call if you're not travelling, I know you're travelling a lot these days.
ANSWERING MACHINE Okay, that's all, bye Travis.
HEATHER I doubt it? awwww...
TRIP Wha... uh...
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE Oh, Trip, she's just teasing you... It's good, we all need that once in a while.
(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Heh heh ha ha ha ha, ha...
(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE So, about my decorating...
(The advice ball reads, "It's Definite")
GRACE (little sigh) You know, when I saw this armoire on the show floor, I thought it had such a clean, simple look to it...
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Never")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP It's a nice choice.
GRACE but looking at it here in the apartment, it just looks like...
(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")
GRACE (little sigh) a monstrosity!
TRIP uhh...
HEATHER mabye we should paint it...
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE You...
GRACE You think we should...
(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")
GRACE make art...
HEATHER yes
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Ha ha, ha, oh, you're - you're quite the kidder tonight, ha ha ha...
(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Yes")
HEATHER why not?
GRACE Ha ha, yeah...
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Ha, never afraid to push our buttons, ha ha ha, heh... - (interrupted)
(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")
TRIP Well, it's impressive... even after a full day's work designing magazine ads, Grace somehow finds time to decorate...
GRACE Ha ha, I guess it's just the artist in me dying to get out.
HEATHER painting is awesome...
TRIP See Grace, no one is complaining about your decorating, there's nothing - (interrupted)
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE Oh... well... thanks -
(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Well that's a nice thing to say. It's nice to hear, hmm, Grace?
(The advice ball reads, "Never")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE (clears throat)
(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")
GRACE (big sigh)
GRACE Oh God, Heather, I hope you didn't come here tonight to be entertained...
TRIP What?
GRACE Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend.
HEATHER what happened to the music?
TRIP Grace, come on, that kind of statement is not helpful... - (interrupted)
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP What...?
TRIP Huh, y - you two are really getting along well tonight...
(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Heather, I - I want you to look at this photo from our recent trip to Italy...
(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Yes")
GRACE (impatient sigh) Trip, maybe our friend would prefer -
(HEATHER gets up from the couch.)
TRIP Grace, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean our friend won't...
TRIP So, come on, I - I want you to look at this! - (interrupted)
GRACE Heather, come over here and sit on the couch with me.
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Grace...!
TRIP Now, now, Heather, - (interrupted)
(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")
GRACE Trip, you see, your fetish for all things European is making our friend very uncomfortable!
TRIP Goddammit, Grace, this was supposed to be our second honeymoon!
GRACE What? Heather, Trip is absolutely exaggerating, it was simply a weekend getaway, that's all. - (interrupted)
TRIP Jesus, I was trying to find a way - (interrupted)
HEATHER maybe I should go...
TRIP Wait - see - I just wanted to spend time together!
GRACE All those business trips of yours to Europe must have done something to you.
TRIP uhh!
TRIP Oh my God, Heather, oh my God, I am so bad...
(HEATHER puts down the advice ball.)
GRACE What?!
TRIP I haven't gotten us drinks!
GRACE tuhh...
TRIP Oh it's good because you will be the first to try my recently acquired set of imported drinking glasses.
HEATHER I don't drink...
TRIP W - w - w - wait, I, uh, I want to make you one of my drink inventions!
GRACE It's a secret - Trip doesn't even like the taste of alcohol.
TRIP What?! So, uhh,
TRIP Heather, how - how does that sound?
HEATHER but I don't drink...
TRIP No?
GRACE Trip, dear, don't force your fancy drinks on her.
GRACE Heather, I think you'd prefer something simple and light, like a nice glass of chardonnay, yes?
TRIP (exhale very tense)
HEATHER juice please
TRIP Yeah, no, I'm going to make this drink for us!
TRIP Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it!
GRACE (frustrated sigh)
TRIP Grace, everybody loves my drinks, you know that, don't you? Everybody!
GRACE Well, of course Trip, after all, you got enough practice when you were a real bartender.
(HEATHER picks up the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP What?
GRACE In college, you were a bartender.
(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")
TRIP How do you know about that?
GRACE Oh I know you were trying to keep it a big secret, but... one time my friends and I went slumming off-campus to some crappy bar in the sticks, and we saw you there.
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Oh, that's great.
(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")
TRIP Uhh, you're driving me insane!
GRACE Ahh, no, I'm the one going insane!
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "No")
GRACE Your big bartender secret...
GRACE I wish you would just be yourself! Ever since I've known you, you resist - (interrupted)
HEATHER insane?
GRACE Look, you're going to really make it bad if you keep criticizing me!
TRIP (little impatient sigh) - (interrupted)
HEATHER I'm sorry
GRACE What, what are you saying?
TRIP Goddamn more real...
TRIP I like my fancy drinks, okay? I like the good things in life, does that make me a bad person? Their just drinks!
GRACE Oh, God...!
(HEATHER sits on the couch.)
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE Alright, you know what, Heather,
(The advice ball reads, "It's Definite")
GRACE I need to ask you something.
TRIP Grace -
GRACE Trip, let me ask our guest a question.
GRACE Heather, yes or no...
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE If there was a thing about yourself you didn't like, but your husband or wife likes it, is it still okay to hide it?
(The advice ball reads, "Yes")
TRIP What...?!
HEATHER no.
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Oh, okay... sure...
(The advice ball reads, "Never")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Grace, you won't let me be who I want to be! Who - who I am! This is who I am now! Goddammit!
GRACE Oh, don't even...!
(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE Uhh! Yeah, good, go away!
(The advice ball reads, "Never")
(HEATHER gets up from the couch.)
GRACE I can't stand you!
GRACE Oh, God!
(HEATHER sits on the couch.)
(HEATHER gets up from the couch.)
GRACE uhh!
(HEATHER puts down the advice ball.)
GRACE Heather, I - I'm sorry... this is a disaster...
HEATHER it's ok
(HEATHER hugs grace.)
GRACE Oh... Heather, I - I...
TRIP What? Are you talking about me in there?
GRACE I wasn't talking about you!
TRIP Heather, in what you said before, about marriage... I think that shows us something about Grace.
GRACE Oh, we're talking about me, are we?
TRIP What?
(HEATHER picks up the advice ball.)
GRACE All this stuff... mmm... Having all this money makes us so happy. We're so happy, aren't we Trip?
(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")
TRIP Jesus, what do you want! Now you're unhappy because we're too well off?
(HEATHER sits on the couch.)
TRIP Heather, isn't it - isn't that ridiculous?
HEATHER no.
GRACE No?
GRACE Heather, thank you. That helps me. Trip, see, I don't want all this stuff!
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")
TRIP (annoyed sigh)
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Let's keep our focus on - (interrupted)
TRIP Heather, look around this apartment. It's got everything anyone would ever want. But, Grace, oh no, she's never satisfied.
GRACE Trip, ... ugh ... I'm so sick of this.
(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")
TRIP Well, heh, I - I mean, we - heh - we - we've got everything...
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE Trip, you just don't... uhh.
(The advice ball reads, "Yes")
GRACE No let's - let's focus on us, our relationship.
GRACE I think Trip's afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he can to avoid seeing them.
TRIP Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.
GRACE No, it's true...
HEATHER inamimate objects can't love ubacj
GRACE No?
TRIP See Grace, that's ridiculous. The only thing I'm afraid of is their bad taste might rub off on us... ha ha!
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")
GRACE (frustrated sigh)
HEATHER you are afraid of your parents trip
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Ah!
GRACE Heather, You're saying I'm... afraid?
(The advice ball reads, "No")
TRIP You know, heh... whenever we go to visit Grace's parents, she - (interrupted)
HEATHER no
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE No?
GRACE Trip, if you like them so much, just go by yourself. Nobody cares if I'm there or not anyway.
(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")
TRIP But, Grace... Uhh.
GRACE Uhh...
GRACE Look, why don't we talk about us, our relationship.
GRACE Trip, you just pretend to like all this stuff... fancy cigars, and fine wine...
TRIP You think I'm not good - (interrupted)
HEATHER why am I here?
GRACE Why?
GRACE Heather, thank you, that helps us. Trip, I know that you like to hang out at the little sports bar on the corner.
(HEATHER gets up from the couch.)
TRIP What... what - n - no... I, I - I mean...
GRACE Trip, it's alright.
TRIP Uhh...
TRIP Okay, I've had enough of this bullshit!
(HEATHER puts down the advice ball.)
TRIP Heather, I know what you're trying to hint at...
(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)
(HEATHER opens the front door.)
TRIP about us...
TRIP about our lifestyle...
(HEATHER picks up the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")
TRIP Do you really want the truth? Huh?
TRIP Heather, - (interrupted)
HEATHER I'm poor.
TRIP Grace, huh?
GRACE Yes...!
TRIP Heather, see I've actually been paying close attention to what you've been saying.
TRIP You've really been pushing me tonight.
HEATHER you have?
TRIP Don't run away!
TRIP It makes me wonder if you're really my friend or not.
GRACE Trip!
TRIP Heather, Quit interrupting me, let me speak!
HEATHER I'm grace's friend
TRIP Heather, come on - yes or no...
TRIP Do you really think that...
TRIP criticizing Grace...
TRIP praising Grace...
TRIP criticizing me...
TRIP saying that Grace is afraid...
TRIP but especially what you said about having more in life and marriage...
TRIP and you don't even say 'yes' when I ask you if you want the truth...
TRIP that all that is supposed to help us realize something about us?
TRIP Don't try to hide!
TRIP Is what you've said tonight supposed to add up somehow, to something?
TRIP Is it? Just give me a yes or no.
TRIP This is not a trick question.
TRIP No? Huh, well, I thought it did add up to something, actually.
TRIP Grace...
TRIP uhh...
TRIP See... I'm... ashamed of my parents.
GRACE What!? Your parents are great.
GRACE I love seeing them...
TRIP I know, I know. But compared to yours... they're so ... ignorant.
GRACE But they're real. I hate how my parents are pretending to be something -
TRIP I've tried hard to be like your family -
GRACE Trip... really? ... I don't -
TRIP But I feel like a phony. I feel like I can never get rid of my past.
TRIP It's kind of like I don't know who I am anymore.
HEATHER what's happening?
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")
TRIP uhh...
GRACE uhh...
GRACE Oh my God...!
TRIP Heather, I -
HEATHER 8 ball your no help.
GRACE I'm going to give you the truth too, Trip.
TRIP What?!
GRACE Trip...
GRACE Through our whole marriage... I've let you dominate me.
HEATHER I LOVE YOUR ASS GRACE
TRIP Dominate you...? What? I don't -
GRACE As a kid my parents took care of everything, bought me whatever I wanted...
GRACE made decisions for me.
TRIP But Grace -
GRACE Trip - I've used you - and our apartment full of expensive crap - to hide.
GRACE to hide.
GRACE To avoid responsibility for myself.
TRIP Oh, come on, don't -
GRACE I can't avoid growing up forever, Trip.
TRIP Jesus...
GRACE uhh...
HEATHER mah juice will never get here...
TRIP Jesus...!
TRIP Okay, Heather, Grace, I have one more thing to say...
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE Again?!
(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")
HEATHER I LOVE YOU
TRIP Grace...
TRIP uhh...
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP I'm - I'm just... af - afraid of... of being poor.
(The advice ball reads, "Never")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE Poor? Trip, we have so much! What do you -
(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")
TRIP It never feels like enough!
HEATHER like love
TRIP As a kid... it - it was... My family was always on the edge.
GRACE So you weren't rich, but -
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP We even spent six months in a shelter once.
(The advice ball reads, "Yes")
GRACE Oh my God...!
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP All of this stuff...
(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Is a kind of protection from that ever happening again.
(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")
TRIP uhh...
GRACE uhh...
GRACE Oh my God...!
HEATHER fucktards...(walks away)
GRACE This changes everything...
TRIP Yeah.
TRIP You... you're telling me I've controlled you.
HEATHER LET ME LEAVE ELEVATOR!
GRACE You... you're terribly afraid of being poor.
TRIP You - you think I'm a phony for despising my upbringing...
GRACE But at least you had a real upbringing, it's me who had a fake one...
TRIP Heather, I -
GRACE Heather, we...
TRIP Look, we - we need to talk...
GRACE Yeah.
TRIP And no, Heather, you don't need to say anything more...
TRIP Heather, Thanks for coming over, you... I think you helped us.
HEATHER PIE
GRACE Bye. Thanks.
HEATHER your welcome
(Trip closes the front door.)
HEATHER what did I do?
(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")