Nosophoros
Copyright 2009 awakethepassion
All characters of StarGate and StarGate Atlantis belong to their respective writers and MGM. This is a work of fan fiction. I just want to play with them for awhile.
Chapter 10
John Sheppard was lost. Wonderfully and truly fucking lost. And the best thing was that he really didn't give a good damn about it.
The one village down below, if you could even call it that, was the only thing that he'd even seen besides the trees. But he wasn't about to even go near that temptation.
He grimaced and his hands tightened on the controls. No matter what the thing screaming inside of him was telling to do, he would stick to the grass plains that stretched out down below him. They seemed empty and lifeless enough. As far as he could tell, there wasn't anyone out here that he could hurt except for his own self.
This would be the perfect place to end it all and maybe finally find some peace. He wanted nothing more than to end it all. To just put a stop to the pain. To put an ultimate end to his sorry existence. To finish what the Iratus bug should have done in the first place.
Bloody tears clouded his eyes and he angrily wiped them away. No one would miss him. No one would care.
But he knew that was a lie. There were people that cared about him and he he missed them more than he'd ever admit to. God, but he missed them. But he didn't miss them enough to ever go back. There was no way he could do it. The wound in his heart was still too raw and it burned like fire.
How could he even ask them for forgiveness when he couldn't even give forgiveness to himself?
He closed his eyes and tried to force the image of his fingers wrapped around Chuck's throat out of his mind. It was better to just add it to the rest of the already too long list of mistakes he would soon atone for.
But how was he going to do it?
There was no use trying the Jumper's self-destruct. He'd needed Elizabeth's and Rodney's codes for that so he'd had to chuck that idea out the window.
He sighed and looked out at the clouds looming dark and gray in the distance. Already he could see lightning flashing through the clouds and knew that soon afterward there would be thunder.
That storm looked like it was going to be a big one. A little bit of hope surged through him. Thinking, he shrugged slightly. Maybe if he flew the Jumper straight into the storm? A sudden flash of energy from a stray bolt of electricity would hopefully be enough to fry him.
But then he felt a nagging touch of doubt and he spit out a curse. The shields on the Jumper would prevent his seat at the controls from being turned into an electric chair.
There had to be another way.
He leaned forward slightly and looked out the view port. Maybe if he landed in one of those empty fields. But even as he thought it he knew that it was a stupid idea. It was a million to one shot that the lightning would choose to strike him. He snorted angrily.
With his luck, the storm would blow out and he'd be left standing there dripping wet and still angry with himself.
Shit.
He shook his head, pulled the Jumper into a wide circle and headed back the way he had come. After a few minutes he saw the 'Gate and a sudden thought came to him.
What if he dialed a random address into the DHD? The best thing he could hope for was that the worm hole would open up into some fiery pit. And if that didn't work, he'd just keep trying until it did.
Maybe then he'd finally be rid of this guilt that was eating him up inside. Away from the thing that was trying to force him to its will. Away from the thing he was terrified of because he knew what he was becoming.
He'd take himself farther and farther away from the chance that anyone from Atlantis could find him. And find him they would if he stayed here. Rodney was the smartest man he'd ever met. He'd know how to break through the block he'd put on the 'Gate computer. He'd find the address that he'd used and John knew that they would come after him.
Never leave a man behind, he'd once told them. It was too bad that even if they did manage to track him, he didn't intend to leave anything of himself left for them to find.
It would be the best damn thing that could happen for all of them, he thought angrily. A smoldering hole in Hell was exactly where he belonged. Especially after what he'd done.
He reached out, ready to start dialing in an address when an alarm starting going off inside the Jumper's cabin.
"Damn it!" He had strayed off course and now a wall of trees suddenly loomed up in front of him.
For a split second he hesitated and the Beast slipped out of his control. He felt it rear it's ugly head, grabbing at a chance for freedom. He tried to stop it but before he was too late. His mind cried out in fear and his hand pulled back on the controls.
The Jumper pulled up, barely managing to skim the top of tallest ones before the ship leveled out again.
He swore angrily. That was a fucking stupid thing to do. He should have plowed right into them. If he'd angled it just right, the Jumper would have made a spectacular nose dive right into that jagged rock face just on the other side of the trees.
When the Jumper exploded into a blazing ball of fire there wouldn't even be enough left of him that dental records could even identify.
Before the thing inside of him could get loose again, he closed his eyes and willed his brain not to think.
But it was hard. He could feel it there inside of him, growling hungrily and getting stronger by the minute. The Beast was fighting him but he was finally able to force it to be quiet. He could feel it there, simmering with anger and hate, just waiting for the chance to break free.
The Beast didn't want to die.
But John didn't want it to live.
His mouth set into a determined line. "You're not going to win, you son of a bitch." His hand tightened on the controls and he heard the whine of the engines as he willed them into full power. "I won't let you."
He flipped the Jumper around and headed back for the towering line of trees.
He saw the rocks, jagged and sharp looming up ahead. He braced himself. The thing inside him suddenly realized what he was going to do and it screamed with fury.
John's hands tightened on the controls and he closed his eyes.
The Jumper shuddered, making a terrible rending sound as it slammed into the rocks.
He heard the crash, felt the air rush by him as the view port shattered The pain was sweet and sharp as the shards of glass bit into him and his body was thrown back out of his seat.
He heard his bones snapping as he landed in a broken heap on the hard floor at the back of the cabin. A smile crossed his face. He welcomed the new rush of agony. It was like the song of an angel. He begged for more of it and the angel granted his wish.
New pain ripped into him as sharp as a knife, and a cry tore from his throat as he felt the flames licking at him.
His body shook with pain. Oh, God...this really was it.
Something new wafted across him and he heard the rustle of cloth and could smell the sweet scent of flowers and grass.
He wasn't a religious man but somewhere deep inside he knew that it was an angel that had come for him. He sighed, bit his lip and tasted the blood in his mouth.
His angel. His salvation.
The last thought in his mind as a feeling of peace fell over him was that he was finally free. That he'd finally done something right.
That he'd finally found his forgiveness.
Then everything went black and he felt nothing at all.