Chapter 9 - What Might Have Been

Five years. Five years of enduring this madness, all this pain and suffering.

Beast wasn't sure how much further he could fall into despair. Would there ever be an end point?

He knew that it had been five years because Cogsworth had told him. The head of the house had always been good at keeping track of time, but Beast wasn't sure as to why he even bothered. Knowing how long it had been only made him feel worse.

He felt a little less human every passing day. He often tried to think back, to how his old body felt, his bare skin with no fur, his long blonde hair that reached his shoulders... But he couldn't remember. He was so used to his body now, the feeling of unease about himself had gone.

He hated that. He didn't want it to feel normal, nothing about his body was normal.

It was frightening, to think that his human self had become a distant memory. He couldn't imagine how he might feel after more time passed. Would he even be able to remember what he used to look like?

Sometimes he thought back to the first couple of days after the transformation. His hope that a maiden might one day break the curse hadn't lasted very long.

It was obvious that none of the maidens from the dance party would ever return to the castle. He had given up on that possibility several years ago.

He wondered what had become of the maidens after they fled the castle. Did the Enchantress use her magic to send them all back to wherever they came from? Erased all memory of him from their minds too?

Wherever they were, they were all probably living a much more care free life compared to him.

He often asked himself what he would do if a young woman turned up on his doorstep one day. How would he even attempt to woe her when he was so hideous?

He was no stranger when it came to courting women. He had successfully wooed quite a few in the past. The only problem was that his beauty had greatly assisted him back then. Without it, his charm was gone. Plus, he had lost all of his confidence. He wouldn't know where to begin when trying to talk to her.

He tried to remember a few of the women he had courted in his time, at all the chances he had been given at a better life, but they were all rather hazy in his mind. The only one that stuck out was his first love, if you could even call it that. The more appropriate thing to call her was the first woman he had ever gained the affection of. Although he hadn't returned it.

It was summer. The baking sun was high in the crystal clear blue sky, as the Prince stood out in the garden, surrounded by dozens of guests, sipping champagne and chatting amongst themselves, as well as eating some of the horderves that were being served to them on silver platters by the servants.

It was a garden party. He couldn't quite remember what it was in celebration of. His birthday perhaps?

No, his father would never go to such efforts to celebrate his birthday. His birthday had more often than not been a grand celebration, but it would never have been this grand. He knew that he had been around eighteen or nineteen at the time.

The Prince was admiring a beautiful young maiden from afar. She had ebony black hair, that was neatly tied up and fastened into a bunch. She wore a light blue dress, that had a tight corset that showed off her slim figure, but opened out at the bodice, and reached down to the floor. The lower hem of her dressed was folded up all the way around the skirt, revealing a star-like pattern on the white under layer. In her white gloved hand she held a blue parasol, that was shading her from the hot sun.

She was absolutely stunning. She was positively glowing in the daylight.

A heavy hand landed on the Prince's shoulder, startling him a little. "Quite a catch, wouldn't you say?" He heard his father ask.

"Definitely." He agreed, unable to take his eyes off her.

"Stop gawping at her, she'll catch you staring." His father warned, putting his hand to the Prince's face and making him turn his head towards him. "Honestly, anyone would think you haven't seen a woman before."

"Sorry, father." He apologised. He wasn't sure what came over him.

"No need to worry about it my dear boy." His father replied, patting him on the shoulder.

"Do you know who she is?" The Prince asked, glancing back over at the raven-haired maiden.

"Yes. She's the daughter to quite a rich Lord. Angelica, her name is." His father informed him.

The Prince stared at her, lost in a daze, completely captivated by her beauty.

His father laughed "Well don't just stand there, go talk to her!" The King encouraged him, slapping him on the back and pushing him forwards. His son stumbled and nearly fell over.

The Prince glanced back at him nervously. "Go on!" He urged. "I know for a fact that the son I brought up isn't afraid of talking to women. Now go talk to her!" It sounded like he was commanding him now, instead of cheering him on.

The Prince straightened up, and stood tall and proud. He cleared his throat, and adjusted his suit jacket, before striding across the garden towards the unsuspecting maiden.

Luckily for him, she had just finished her conversation with an older woman as he approached.

Now that he got a closer look, he noticed that despite her pale complexion, she had a number of freckles dotting her face. But they only added to her beauty.

"Hello." He greeted. She turned to face him, and allowed him to take hold of her gloved hand. The material was so soft and finely textured, he couldn't help but run his thumb across it. "Prince Adam. It's a pleasure to meet you." He said, kissing her hand. He met her gaze, and a pair of shimmering grey eyes stared back.

"Angelica. And the pleasure is all mine, Prince Adam." She responded, curtsying to him. Her voice was posh, which was to be expected from a high class individual such as herself. It was also warm and inviting, as well as pleasing to the ear.

Whatever nervousness he had felt when watching her earlier, or when he had walked over, had completely melted away.

He let go of her hand and smiled "Might I say, you look ravishing in that dress." He complimented her.

"Why thank you. You look very smart today as well." She replied.

"Are you enjoying the party?" He asked.

"I am. There's nothing like spending time at a garden party on a hot summer's day. I just hope I don't end up burning."

"I'm sure your parasol will shield you from the sun and keep your skin looking nice and pale." He replied.

"True. This trusty little thing hasn't let me down in the past." She said, twirling it in her hand. "So, Prince Adam, what brings you here?" She questioned.

"Well, I saw a beautiful looking woman over here and I just knew I had to come over and talk to her." He responded flirtatiously.

"And I saw a rather handsome looking gentleman come this way." She flirted back. "But I hope you find the girl you're looking for." She played along.

"I think I already have." He stated with a sly grin.

She laughed. Her laugh was soft and just as pleasing to hear as her voice. "You flatter me, Prince Adam."

"Please, just call me Adam."

"Is that what you tell all the women you flirt with?" She questioned.

"I don't know, you'd be the first." He told her.

She chuckled, and drew closer to him, placing her hand on his chest "Well in that case, you can just call me Angie." She whispered, and he felt her hot breath on his cheek.

He thought that he might feel something, perhaps quiver with delight, or experience a tingling sensation. But he didn't feel anything.

Was this supposed to work out differently? He thought that he'd feel more for his first true encounter with a maiden.

He shrugged off his uncertainties and placed his hand on top of her's "Can I get you anything, Angie?" He asked.

"You could run and get me a glass of champagne, if you don't mind." She responded.

"Not at all." He replied, kissing her hand as he parted with her "Don't go anywhere."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

He walked away, and headed over to one of the servants that was carrying a tray of champagne. As he picked up a glass, he quickly snatched up an horderve from another tray from a passing servant and nibbled on it.

"How is it going with you and Angelica?" His father asked, coming to stand beside him.

"It's going well, I think." The Prince replied, glancing over in her direction to see her standing and waiting patiently.

"Good... That's good." The King responded, looking over at her as well. "Why don't you two go somewhere to talk in private?" His father suggested.

"What about the party?" The Prince questioned.

"Oh I'm sure you won't be gone that long, no one will even notice you're missing."

"Alright, if you say so..." He murmured. "Where should I take her?" He then asked.

"I'll leave you to figure that out." His father answered, before turning and walking away, to go and speak with some lords.

The Prince inhaled and then exhaled deeply, before going over to Angelica once again. "Here you are." He said, handing her the champagne.

"Thank you kindly." She responded, taking the tall glass from him and sipping some of the alcohol. "Why didn't you get one for yourself?"

"I don't drink." He admitted. "Well, truthfully, I've never tried any."

"Would you like some?" She asked, offering him her glass.

He was quiet for a moment as he contemplated. He then shrugged "Alright." He replied, taking the glass and sipping some of the sparkling, bubbling liquid. "Hmm." He pondered, whilst savouring the taste "Not bad." He commented, before handing it back to her.

Angelica continued drinking as he glanced around, trying to figure out where the two of them could go. Back to the castle perhaps? Or maybe to another part of the garden?

That's when he had an idea.

"Would you like me to give you a tour around the gardens?" He asked her.

Angelica smiled "I would love that." She replied "Let me just finish my drink."

"Fair enough." He said. He stood and waited patiently, as he thought she might be a while, but was amazed when he saw Angelica down the remnants of her champagne in one go.

One of the servants came over and collected her glass. "Let's go." She declared cheerfully.

The Prince offered her his arm and she linked up with him as they walked across the grass to the gravel path.

Angelica's dressed followed her every movement, swaying as she walked. It was like she was wearing a fluffy cloud made of velvet.

"I saw you with your father earlier. Are you two close?" She asked him.

"Sort of. It's complicated." He answered.

"What do you mean by that?" She questioned further.

"We weren't very close when I was younger. That was when..." He trailed off for a moment "When my mother was still around." He murmured.

Angelica gave him a sympathetic look.

"We don't talk about her." He explained. "At least when we can avoid it."

"It's a touchy subject, I understand. You don't have to say anymore." She told him, giving him a reassuring pat on the arm.

The death of his mother was well known at this point, but no one spoke of it. She was dead and buried. People had moved on. Everyone expected him to as well.

The two continued to chat for a while, about each other's likes and dislikes. He told her that he liked to hunt and read, and she told him that she loved to paint. He also learnt that she could play the flute, and she announced that she would happily play for him some time.

Eventually, the two reached a stone bridge, overlooking a large pond. They stopped in the middle of the bridge and stared at the water, as it rippled and glistened in the sunlight.

"This garden is quite beautiful. It seems to stretch out for miles. Just when I think I've seen it all, something else catches my eye." Angelica stated, placing her gloved hands on the wall of the bridge and leaning forwards, and peering over the side at her reflection in the water.

"It's magnificent." The Prince agreed. "I find some of it breath taking, despite the fact that I've seen it all so many times."

She turned to him, and examined his face for a moment. She then lifted her hand and twirled her fingers through his blonde locks. "Your hair is very long." She commented.

He chuckled "You've only just noticed?"

"I just found myself getting lost in your eyes." She admitted, smiling dreamingly.

"You're not the only one that's noticed. My father wants me to get it cut. He says that I should have it in a bob, but I prefer it like this."

"I'm sure your hair will look good on you no matter what." She told him. "Although, cutting it is probably a good idea. It's almost as long as mine!"

"How long is yours?" He questioned, glancing at the neat bunch on top of her head.

"I'd have to show you." She replied.

"Will you show me right now?" He requested.

"Oh, I don't know, it took me a very long time to get it like this and I normally don't wear it down for anyone" She responded in an exaggerated tone, whilst fluttering her eyelashes and giving him the doe eyes. "Maybe if you ask nicely."

"Please?" He requested again. "I've always loved seeing women with long hair."

She grinned "Alright, you've twisted my arm." She then folded in her parasol and passed it to him "Hold this, please."

Angelica lifted her arms and took hold of the bunch of black hair on top of her head in one hand. With the other hand, she pulled the grip out, and let go of the bunch. Her black hair fell perfectly down, with a wisp of it falling just between her eyes.

Her flowing locks ran just passed her shoulders, and blew gently in the summer breeze. "Well, what do you think?" She asked, after a short period of silence of him staring at her in awe.

The Prince took a step closer and ran his fingers through her strands of hair. "And just when I thought you couldn't get any more beautiful."

"Oh stop, you're making me blush." She responded bashfully, giving him a push, which was more of a light tap. Her cheeks were flushed pure red.

"Here's your parasol." He said, handing it back to her.

She smiled in gratitude and took it from him. But as she was opening it up, a strong gust of wind blew passed, and sent Angelica's parasol flying out of her hand and onto the surface of the pond. "Oh no!" She exclaimed.

"Don't worry, I'll go fetch it for you." He declared, gallantly stepping off of the bridge and picking up the nearest and longest stick he could find.

Using the stick as a tool, he hooked the parasol and dragged it over the surface of the water and pulled it to edge. Once it was in arms reach, he stretched out his hand and claimed the parasol back from the murky depths of the water that had almost swallowed it up. He held it high above his head, as if it were some amazing feat, that he had managed to fish it out of the pond.

He hurried back over to Angelica and presented it to her with pride. "Your parasol, my lady." He stated, pretending to be a heroic knight.

"What a gentlemen." She breathed, clasping her hands to her chest. She was clearly playing along with him. They were exaggerating quite a bit, having fun with each other, but he was more than happy to fetch her parasol for her, and she was most grateful to have it back.

"It's a little wet but I'm sure it will dry." He told her, as she took it back from him. 'A little' was an understatement, as it was soaked completely, and water was dripping off of it.

"That's fine. Thank you for getting it back for me." She said gratefully.

"It was no trouble, Angie." He replied, smiling at her.

She propped her parasol up against the wall of the bridge and drew closer to him, and wrapped her arms around his neck. "You know, Adam, I don't think I've ever felt this way around anyone before. There's something about you... You just make my heart melt." She whispered. Their faces were close together now, mere inches apart.

"And I think you're the most fun and interesting and beautiful girl I've ever met."

She was the only girl his age he had ever met.

"You say the nicest things." She murmured.

And then he kissed her. He closed the small gap between them and his lips met her's. He then pulled away quickly, and watched as the largest smile he thought he had ever seen emerged on Angelica's face.

She kissed him back. Her hands tugged at his suit jacket, and then moved up to his head, and ran through his hair. She then touched his face and cradled his cheeks.

He wished she would touch him properly, without the gloves. He wanted skin on skin contact. He had never been touched in such an affectionate way, except maybe... when his mother was still around, she would always stroke his cheeks. He hadn't had that kind of interaction in years, his father was never affectionate. He yearned to be touched... But the gloves ruined it for him somewhat.

Would she take them off if he asked? What was the point of breaking this moment, just to take off a pair of gloves?

He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her up, and sat her down on the edge of the bridge. He drew closer still, her dress and endless layers of fabric surrounding his lower body as he started kissing her feverishly, moving from her lips to her cheek, and then down her chin and finally to her neck.

Angelica leaned her head back as he planted hot kisses on her neck. She moaned with delight.

And then he stopped. Angelica was clearly enjoying this, but him... He thought that he would feel more, perhaps a burning passion and desire for her. Some sort of spark, or anything, that would hint that she was the one for him, his perfect match. It felt good to kiss her, yes... But that was about it.

All he felt for her was lust. And that wasn't love.

His mind was whirling. He didn't know what to do, or think. Should he keep going? He just didn't know. All of his uncertainties from before were resurfacing. Was the only reason he liked her was because of her beauty?

Angelica kissed him again, but she met his lips poorly, causing their noses to clash. But that didn't faze her, as she started kissing every corner, nook and cranny of his mouth.

"Stop, stop!" He said, his words muffled by the kisses. He pulled away and Angelica gave him a confused look.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"This is just... This is all just moving too fast." He told her breathlessly.

"We can take it slower if you like." She replied.

"No, that's not it." He responded, shaking his head "I'm sorry, Angie, you're beautiful, you really are but... I just don't think you're right for me."

"What do you mean? I thought we were getting on so well." She questioned.

"We were! It's just... I thought I would feel more than this."

"More? Are you saying I'm not good enough for you, is that it?" She questioned, her brow furrowing. There was a sense of anger in her tone. He must have offended her.

"No, I think you're wonderful! I... I don't have strong feelings for you, that's all." He admitted.

"Then why did you kiss me?" She asked.

"I thought it was what I wanted, and what you wanted me to do." He replied.

"But you don't want me?"

He shook his head "No... Not when I don't love you." He replied. "I'm sorry, Angie." He apologised.

"It's fine, it doesn't matter." She muttered coldly as she moved passed him and collected her parasol. Clearly it did matter to her.

"Angie, wait!" He called after her.

"Don't call me that!" She snapped, whipping her head around and giving him a scornful look. She breathed deeply and quickly regained her composure "Good day to you, Prince Adam." She said, bowing her head and walking away from him. The heels of her shoes clattered against the cobbles as she left.

That was his opportunity to go after her, to win her back, beg her to give him a second chance.

But he didn't. Instead he remained where he was and silently watched her go.

If he wasn't sure if he loved her or not before, he certainly was now. He would have fought for her if he wanted her in his life.

His eyes didn't even linger on her for long, and he turned his attention to the pond. He watched as the breeze rushed across the water, causing it to ripple.

He glanced down at his reflection and straightened his hair that Angelica had ruffled up. He then adjusted his suit jacket that she had tugged at.

"Well done, Adam. You blew it." He told his reflection.

He shook his head and walked over the bridge, taking the opposite path to Angelica and heading back to the party.

His father was waiting for him when he arrived. "So, how did it go with Angelica?" He asked curiously.

"Not very well." The Prince sighed.

"Oh? Why not?" His father questioned.

"We started kissing but... I didn't get that feeling from it."

"What feeling?"

"You know, a spark, something that lets you know that you've chosen right. That this is the only person meant for you." He told him.

His father gave him a confused look. He didn't understand one bit.

"I just wasn't in love with her, father." The Prince stated.

"Love?" The King almost scoffed. "Son, we've talked about this. Love doesn't have anything to do with it. What matters is that you find a woman worthy of your hand. I thought Angelica was perfect for you."

His father probably only thought the money that Angelica would inherit from her father was perfect.

"Wait, were you trying to set me up with her?" The Prince questioned. "Is that what this whole garden party was for?"

"Partly. But it wasn't just about that." His father replied. "Look, son, there are dozens of maidens lined up seeking for a chance to be your wife. You can't turn them down just because you don't 'love' them. If I had married for love, I wouldn't have married your mother in the first place."

"I thought you said that you married her because your father had arranged it." The Prince argued.

It was true. His father had told him, perhaps multiple times after his mother's passing, that their marriage was arranged. In fact, the first time he ever laid eyes on her was when he lifted up the veil at their wedding.

"Yes. It was. And that's why I'm giving you this opportunity to pick your wife, so that you don't end up saddled with someone you can't stand." He told him. "You should be grateful. You wouldn't want me to have to arrange your marriage for you."

"I'm sure you would pick wisely, if you were to do so, father."

The Prince only said that to please him.

"But I'm grateful that you've given me this choice."

"I'm glad." His father responded. He placed both hands on his shoulders and squeezed them rather tightly. "Listen, son. Forget about love, it's not important in the grand scheme of things. It seems nice at first, but it quickly fades, leaving you stuck with a person you no longer care for. What's important is that you find a woman that can be loyal, and stand by your side through thick and thin, as well as provide you with a worthy heir. What matters is that you find a woman that can provide for you, and the kingdom."

"I know, father, you've told me this before." The Prince mumbled dismissively.

"Well, you clearly haven't listened. It's gone in one ear and come out the other." He commented. "I'll admit that maybe Angelica wasn't right for you, but there are plenty of other maidens just waiting to meet you."

"You said there were dozens. Are you going to keep throwing garden parties and inviting one every time?" The Prince questioned.

"No, that would take far too long. Perhaps we should organise something else, so that you could meet them all at once." His father suggested.

"Maybe..." He muttered indifferently.

"I have a list of them, I'll show you it, so that you can pick out a few." The King insisted. "Just make sure you don't turn them down on the basis that you don't 'love' them when you've only just met them."

"Yes, father. I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking." He apologised.

"It's alright, son. Your mother used to fill your head with such nonsense. But don't worry, just remember what I taught you, and you should be fine."

He had been so conflicted for the longest time. Torn between what his mother and father had taught him. His mother said that he should marry a woman for love above all else, but his father said that he should marry a woman that would be his loyal provider, to help him advance the kingdom and carry on his lineage. It's what his father strongly believed, and what his father before him believed too. It went back centuries. Without his mother there to argue, or counter his father... That belief eventually became his own.

He saw Angelica a few times after that day, but they weren't on good terms. With his father's mindset, Beast had convinced himself that the reason he and Angelica's relationship didn't work out wasn't his fault, but her's. She wasn't good enough for him.

How utterly foolish.

She was the first to fall for him, but certainly not the last. He had his way with a few women in the past... Made love to them. Even though there was no love to it. Not from him. He had done it for pleasure, which was rather short lived, and only left him wanting more. He had used them, and then thrown them away, like they were nothing.

What he had done was truly disgraceful. He hated himself for it.

Now that Angelica was on his mind, he couldn't help but wonder what had happened to her. Her father probably married her off to some old, rich man.

He found himself asking 'what if'. What if he had pushed away his feelings of doubt about Angelica? What if he had continued to see her, allowing their relationship to blossom? What if he had proposed to her on the same bridge they kissed on?

They could have been married by now, with a baby on the way. He may not have been happy, but... At least he would have been human.

Instead he was this monstrous beast. The possibility of becoming human again seemed unreal, he would never be able to woe a woman. There was no way for him to earn her affection. Without his looks and royal status, he wouldn't get far. Angelica, or anyone else for that matter, would never have fallen for him if he looked like this.

He wasn't even sure if he was capable of feeling love. Ever since his mother died, he had felt... Empty, like he had no love left to give. After so many failed attempts at finding the right woman for him, he doubted that he would be able to fall in love with whatever girl came along, if one ever were to show up at his castle.

Nothing could change his fate. There was no hope for him now.

But at least Angelica, and all the other women he had broken the hearts of were free of him. They were better off without him.