I'll Be There

by Heavenli24

Two years after You Can Always… Max and Liz are still together, but he's at UNM and Liz is at Harvard. They've been surviving on phone calls and the vacations, but when Max calls Liz at Harvard with some good news, will she feel the same way about it?

10. Chapter 10

Part Ten

…July 5th 2002…

…LA is so cool! I can't believe I'm actually here, in the entertainment capital of…well, the world, I guess! And right now, Max is reading this over my shoulder and rolling his eyes at me – yeah, Max, I know you're there!

Okay, he's gone now. It's a good thing I was only writing about this holiday and not anything that he could use to embarrass me later!

So, anyway, we made it to our hotel by midday today and we're just gonna stay here and relax for the rest of the day, maybe check out some shops for gifts – I promised Maria I'd buy her something 'LA' and tacky!

Okay, go to go now, Max is gesturing frantically at me to get a move on so we can check out the outdoor pool. He's even all ready to go, with his swim shorts on and a towel in hand. Me? I'm still in my normal clothes and I think my bikini must be buried somewhere deep in the bottom of my suitcase…

Max smirks as he reads the last sentence, "Man, was I glad you finally found that bikini. You looked so hot in it!"

I can't help the slight giggle that escapes my throat at his expression, and I roll my eyes. "You know, you should be glad I'm letting you read these parts, Max. They were supposed to be totally private."

"I know that, Liz, but I think I deserve a bit of cheering up after everything else I've read today," he says, turning serious.

I feel the tentative smile drop from my face as I'm reminded of the painful, emotional evening we've had so far. Max and I are currently sitting on my bed, reading through my journal. We sat down here together a little more than two hours ago. Since then, Max has read the majority of my journal entries from the last few months. Despite his adamant reaction over reading about himself and our relationship in there, he did manage to get through a couple of the parts where I described my feelings about us, but by the end of them, he had tears in his eyes. I took pity on him after that and assured him that I understood and that I could only imagine how hard this must be for him too.

So, after more tears from both of us, and a honest heart-to-heart, I suggested that maybe we should look through some of the happier entries. As he began reading through them, I realised that my previous worries and mortification over him seeing what I'd written were just kind of silly and trivial now. Compared to some of the painful things he read earlier, recounting my road-trip memories must be a welcome diversion.

"I know, Max," I tell him. "And I'm sorry. I realise now that maybe I shouldn't have tried to force you to go through this with me. I doubt it was fair to you."

He shakes his head a little, "Liz, I'll admit that it wasn't easy for me, but now I understand why it was so important for you to have me see this. You were right, it has given me greater insight into your thoughts and feelings lately and as painful as it was to read at times, I honestly think it was good for us to get it out in the open."

"Thank you, Max," I smile gratefully. "It means a lot that you agreed to it."

"No problem," he smiles back, before turning back to the pages in front of him. "Now, where were we? Let's get back to reading some more juicy stuff about me!"

I just shake my head at his eagerness and lean back next to him against the wall as he starts reading again.

… July 10th 2002

It's three-fifteen in the morning and I can't sleep. Right now, I'm sitting in the chair by the window, the small, dim table lamp providing just enough light for me to write this. Max is asleep on the double bed in the middle of our room and I'm spending more time watching him than writing this journal entry.

I feel really awful for what happened last night.

Max and I were on our way back to the hotel, when my cell phone rang. It was Aiden. He'd dropped his cousin home and had the evening free. He asked me to dinner and a movie and I said yes. I didn't even think about leaving Max alone for the night, or how he might feel about me just abandoning him like that. All I was thinking about was getting my mind off the growing feelings I was having for him and going out with Aiden seeming like the best way to do that.

Don't get me wrong, Aiden is a great guy; I had fun with him and when he kissed me at the end of the night, I didn't pull back, at least not right away. But the second I walked through the door of our motel room at just gone midnight and saw Max's face; I knew I'd made a bad decision. He was annoyed with me and we ended up getting into a full-blown argument.

Now I'm torn. Half of me is saying 'just get over it and tell him what you're really feeling', but the other half is telling me 'what good would that do, he's your best friend and suggesting anything more could ruin everything." I just don't know what to do anymore…

"Wait. You kissed Aiden? How did I not know this?" Max turns to me, a hurt expression on his face.

"Because it wasn't important, Max. It didn't mean anything to me," I tell him quietly.

"But, you kissed him!"

"Look, the minute I did it, I regretted it, okay? I knew that Aiden wasn't right for me and it didn't go any further than that," I defend my actions. "And besides, have you even read the last couple of lines?"

He looks down at the words on the page, "Oh."

"Yeah," I nod.

A tiny smile tugs at one corner of his mouth, "You know, for the record, the 'getting over it and telling me' would have been the better option."

"Yeah, well, I didn't know that at the time," I say with a shrug. "And if I had, I would have missed out on that wonderful first kiss in San Francisco."

"True," he muses, "That was one hell of a kiss, wasn't it?"

"Don't blow smoke up your own ass, Evans," I retort with a smile. I really don't know what's got into me tonight. I'm actually feeling…well, normal, and you know what? I like it. "I think it's time for another page."

I flick through the book to find another entry and we start reading. Unfortunately, the passage I pick is even worse than the last one!

… July 13th 2002

I'm not sure I can effectively describe how wonderful I'm feeling at the moment. I spent the entire day walking around with a huge, silly grin on my face and no amount of self-restraint could stop it.

It's kind of strange really. Now that Max knows how I feel and he's confessed his feelings to me, it's almost like we're just noticing each other for the first time. Even though we've already kissed and admitted feelings, it's as if we're going right back to the flirty stage, the part that usually happens before the first kiss and confessions of love. And for the most part, we've definitely passed the 'getting to know you' part of the relationship. It's weird; our entire relationship is completely backwards!

All day long, Max and I have been exchanging these discrete glances and secret looks. I feel like I'm back in junior high again, getting goose bumps whenever my big crush so much as looks in my direction, but really, I love it. It feels good to be the centre of Max's attention, and I don't just mean in a best-friends, we're-the-only-two-people-on-this-trip kind of way. I mean, he's been looking at me the same way he used to look at Jenna, his first crush in high school, when he thought no one was looking; and it warms my heart…

"You know, Jenna was nothing compared to you," he murmurs softly, making my heart warm. "And what's more, I was feeling the same way that day. You were definitely the centre of all my attention."

I feel my cheeks getting hot and look away quickly so that he doesn't see my reaction. I don't know what it is about today, but I'm starting to remember all those old feelings again.

"Yeah, well," I mumble in embarrassment. "Let's move on, shall we?"

… July 14th 2002

We said goodbye to Isabel and Alex this morning and now we've decided to drive all the way across the country to the East coast. We drove for eight hours today and have stopped for the night at a motel on the side of the road somewhere near Barstow, CA. Just for fun, and because it's not too far from here, we're going to drive up to Las Vegas tomorrow. I know that we're only eighteen and so can't legally do any of the things that Vegas is famous for, but we don't care – it'll still be fun to take in the atmosphere.

Then on Wednesday, we'll carry on Eastwards along the I40, until we reach the coast. Our main destination is New York City, but we're going to try to visit as much of the area as we can. Max has promised that we'll make a stop at Harvard so he can see the campus and where I'll be living in the Fall.

Just thinking about going off to college and leaving Max in New Mexico is making me all choked up. It was bad enough before when he was just my best friend, but now that we're together, the prospect of living thousands of miles from him is almost unbearable…

"Oh, Liz…I'm sorry you were feeling that way," he says as he reaches the end of the entry. "If it's any consolation, the thought of you going off to college was getting me down too."

"It was just getting hard, you know," I tell him in explanation.

"I know," he murmurs, placing a hand over mine. "But we got through it, didn't we?"

I smile at him for a moment, before turning back to the book once more.

… July 16th 2002

Wow, I can't stop smiling this morning!

Max and I are in Las Vegas, we're currently sharing not just a room, but also a bed, in the Excalibur hotel and memories of last night are running through my mind at an amazing speed. Max said yesterday that he was going to surprise me, and well, surprise me he did!

First, he took me to dinner at the Caribbean themed restaurant, Kahunaville, in the Treasure Island hotel. He told me that it was 'in honour of all the times we rode Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland' and he insisted on paying, since it was our first official date. The food was gorgeous and although we couldn't drink them, the cocktails sounded delicious – they even had this huge one that cost $18 and you could even keep the cocktail glass afterwards!

But dinner wasn't what made the evening special, it was what happened once we got back to our room that did…

Max appears to be both smiling and blushing by the end of this one.

"What?" I wonder self-consciously.

He swallows, "I'm really glad you didn't write down the details of that night. I'm not sure I could handle the embarrassment."

"What are you talking about? It was one of the best nights of my life."

"Well…it's just that…I didn't really know what I was doing," he admits quietly.

I frown. "But you said you did it to Tess…" I trail off, knowing that he'll get my meaning.

"Liz," he shakes his head. "It might not have been my first time doing 'that' but it was different with you. I felt like I was under all this pressure to do it right and to make you happy."

Tears spring to my eyes at his confession. "Max, it was perfect," I assure him. "And you needn't have worried. The fact that it was you was enough for me."

"Thank you," he just about whispers. "That means a lot."

We smile at each other for a moment before turning back to the journal.

… July 31st 2002

Well, we're finally on our way back to Roswell. I can't believe this trip is really over and that, in less than two hours, we'll be back home with our friends and our parents. We haven't told anyone except our parents, exactly when we'll be back, because we don't want to arrive home tired and cranky from travelling, only to find a huge, loud welcome party waiting for us.

You know, in a way, I'm actually kind of glad to be going home. It'll be nice to eat home-cooked food again and catch up with Maria and the rest of the gang on all the Roswell gossip. But I already know that I'm going to miss Max like crazy. There's no way we'll be able to spend as much time with each other as we have done over the last month and a half. For a start, we both have to go back to work: me at the Crashdown and him at he UFO Centre; and since we don't know how everyone's going to react to the news that we're more than just friends now, who knows how often we'll get to be alone?

Shit, maybe I shouldn't have been so understanding of Max's feelings last night and instead, persuaded him that it was the right time for us to sleep together! We may not get a chance to do anything at all once we're back living under our parent's roofs.

Or actually…maybe it could be fun! We could pretend we're not together and then sneak around in private for a laugh. No, wait…scratch that, there's no way I'll be able to be around Max and not touch him in a way that would be deemed inappropriate for best friends to act around each other.

I mean, just look at him…

"Wow, you put a lot of thought into that, didn't you," he grins.

I shrug, "Yeah, well, it was important at the time."

"Could you really not be around me without wanting to…you know…?"

"Um, no, actually, I couldn't," I confess. "You can't imagine the number of times I had to leave the room just to get away from you and calm myself down!"

"Really?" he smirks.

I duck my head in embarrassment and shove his arm, "Shut up."

He just continues to smirk and flicks through the rest of the journal. As he does so, I watch him carefully, my face flushing as I realize something. I'm actually feeling attracted to him again. Somehow, the journal has managed to bring back not just my memories, but my feelings too. Does this mean what I think it does? Am I really moving past this?

"Hey," Max's amused voice interrupts my musings. "Here's one I haven't read…"

…October 22nd 2004

When I got in this afternoon from my exhausting, stressful day in the lab, the first thing I did was call Max. He seems to have a knack for calming me down and making me feel better when I struggle with schoolwork, which has been happening a lot lately. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for Harvard. The course work is so hard sometimes and the pressure to do well is immense. What I wouldn't give to have Max's life at UNM right now. He has his soccer buddies and a much easier workload, not to mention the New Mexico sunshine that is severely lacking here on the east coast.

You know, even though Max managed to cheer me up on the phone, the high I got from talking to him only lasted about half an hour. By eight o'clock, I was staring at my reflection in the mirror, mascara smudges around my eyes, as I wondered what exactly he sees in me anymore. I'm no fun right now; all I ever seem to do is work and sleep and lie in bed watching TV. I have dark circles under my eyes, my hair is lank and messy, and I'm sure I've put on a few pounds with all the junk food I've been stuffing my face with lately.

How can he love me like this?…

As soon as I realize which entry he's reading, I turn my head and look everywhere except in his direction. I know it didn't bother me when he read paragraphs like that earlier, but now that we've gone over the more fun, lighthearted parts, having him read that just makes me feel like a failure. I can't help it; tears begin to well up in my eyes.

"Oh, Lizzie," he murmurs softly when he reaches the end. "Did you really feel that way about yourself?"

I can feel his sympathetic gaze on me and I have to clench my jaw to stop from crying. All I can manage is a tiny, almost imperceptible nod, all the while staring at the opposite wall. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Max straighten suddenly as he closes the journal and shuffles forward on the bed.

"Wait here, Liz; I want to show you something," he tells me, before quickly crossing the room and disappearing through the door. As soon as he's gone, I let out a tired sigh and a couple of tears leak from my eyes. I take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself before Max comes back, but suddenly he appears in the doorway again. With a small, sympathetic smile, he walks towards the bed again, a thin red book in his hand.

"Hey, don't cry," he tells me softly, as he takes his seat on the bed and leans over to wipe the tears from my eyes with his thumbs. "First of all, I want to say that I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this on your own," he says then. I nod. "And secondly, I have something here that I really want you to see. I think maybe it'll help."

He flicks through the red book until he finds what he's looking for and then holds it out to me. I look at him in puzzlement for a moment, before reaching out to take it from him.

"Go on, read it," he encourages.

…December 18th 2004

Liz came home today. After four long months of making do with only hearing her voice, I finally got to hold her in my arms and kiss her and make love to her again. When I saw her walking towards me at the airport, I just couldn't take my eyes off her. She looks even more gorgeous now than when we said goodbye back in August. Sure, she looks a little tired, but that's what Harvard will do to you. Harvard. Sometimes I still can't believe that I have a Harvard girlfriend, that my little Lizzie Parker has made so much of herself. Even though I know she's had a few problems with her workload lately, I can't help being proud of her for everything she's already managed to accomplish.

Even as I sit here now, watching her sleep beside me, I still feel everything that I felt for her all those years ago at the end of high school. But now, she's just glowing. Her features seem softer somehow, but now it's only turning me on even more. God, I love her. I can't believe I'm going to get to spend a whole semester with her now. I've spent the last 2 years hoping for something like this, and now finally really happening…

I can't speak, I really can't. All I can do is open and close my mouth repeatedly, but no sound comes out.

"I started a journal, too," Max supplies unnecessarily. "Last summer. I realized that if I wrote down how I felt at that particular time then we'd have something else to reminisce over in the future."

I'm feeling too overwhelmed right now to focus on what he's saying. Instead, my mind is focused on those words on the page; the ones were he says he loves me and that I'm gorgeous. There's a sudden rushing in my ears and it's like something just becomes clear in my mind. How could I have let everything get so out of control, how could I have pushed Max away like that? He loves me so much, he finds me attractive, and he's here, willing to show me that.

"Max…" I start, raising my eyes to his. I lean towards him. "Thank you," I whisper, before sealing my lips over his.

I close my eyes and try to lose myself in the kiss. I'm so intent on putting the past behind me and feeling normal again, that I don't notice that Max has yet to respond to me. I shut my mind to the fact that his hands have crept up to my shoulders to gently push me away from him. It's only when has to literally wrench his mouth away, that I finally get a clue.

"Liz," he mutters, his hands still braced on my shoulders, holding me away from him. "Stop."

I look up at him with wounded eyes. He doesn't want me now? What's going on here?

"But…" I start, my voice a mixture of hurt and confusion. I thought he wanted this?

He shakes his head sympathetically and for a moment I just want to strangle him. He's been great these last couple of week, but right now it feels like he's patronising me and I don't like it.

"Liz, we can't do this." I frown and open my mouth to speak, but he doesn't give me the chance to. "At least not right now," he continues quickly. "I mean, we're both emotional here, we've just pretty much bared our souls to each other and I don't think that becoming romantically involved again is a particularly wise idea right now."

What? But can't he see that I'm finally feeling good again, that I actually want him?

"But, I'm feeling better, Max!" I protest. "I want you again. I want to lose myself in you, right here, right now."

"Exactly, Liz," he tells me patiently. "You'd be trying to lose yourself. You'd be using me to forget your problems, and I can't let you do that."

I shake my head frantically. "I wouldn't, Max. I swear," I persist. I raise my hand to stroke his cheek gently. "I want to make love to you again."

He gazes down at me and for the briefest moment, I think he's going to give in; but then his fingers cover mine on his cheek and he gently lowers my hand to my lap. "Look, I understand that you're feeling better today and I can't even imagine how good that must make you feel, but I have to be totally honest here, Liz; you may feel ready, but I can't let you do this, I can't do this with you until I know that you're not going to regret it," he tells me earnestly.

"Max, I –"

"Shh," he silences me with a finger to my lips. "I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it broke my heart when we broke up." I start to protest, but he shoots me a meaningful look and continues. "I know that what happened to us is nobody's fault, but I can't deny that it hurt me and I don't think that we can start something up again if you're not completely healthy. I couldn't handle it if we got back together now, only for the same thing to happen again; and I don't think you could either."

The words of objection to his argument were on the tip of my tongue when he started speaking, but by the time he finishes, I can't get them out. My feelings are mixed. On the one hand, I really do feel awful that my actions caused him so much pain, but on the other, I just want to get my life back and right now, he's the only one standing in the way.

"No, Max, I can't wait that long!" I grind out, as I roughly pull my hand away from his and stand up quickly. "I just want to be me again. I want to have my boyfriend back. I don't want to be stuck in this limbo anymore, halfway to being well, but with so much holding me back!" As I shout the words at him, some small part of my mind realises that I'm being irrational and unfair to him, but I suddenly feel so frustrated and angry at the whole situation that logical thinking is too much right now. "I need to be me again," I plead in anguish.

"Look, I get that you're frustrated, okay? I am too," he counters, anger evident in his voice as well. "But that's my point. It's not a good idea for us to be together purely out of frustration that we're stuck in 'limbo'. I know that it must be hard for you to deal with all of this, but adding feelings greater than friendship to it now could just end up doing more harm than good, and I won't allow you to put your recovery in jeopardy like that!"

"Oh, you won't allow me?" I question harshly. "Since when do you have control over my life? It's my body, my mind, and I'm perfectly capable of deciding when I'm ready to be with you again."

At that, Max snorts and shakes his head. "But it's not completely up to you, is it? What makes you think I'm just gonna come running when you tell me to? This has to be a mutual decision, Liz, and if one of us is not ready, then the other is just going to have to respect that."

His words make me stop still. In all the time we were together, he never once referred to our relationship in such a formal, civil way. There was always a fun, joking atmosphere between us and although respect for each other was certainly present, it wasn't something we ever spoke of formally.

"You know what? I can't deal with this right now," I tell him suddenly, as I feel tears of anger and frustration threatening to fall. "I'm leaving."

I turn to the door and march towards it. Behind me, I hear the bed shift as Max stands and begins to close the gap between us. "Oh, that's right, Liz. Just bail out whenever the conversation gets too much for you .God, you're a coward sometimes!"

I stop, my hand on the doorknob as his words sink in. Max, my Max, just called me a coward. I try desperately not to let my hurt show, but I am unsuccessful as I take in a deep breath and feel my shoulders heave with the weight of the emotions running through me. I hesitate in my actions, but the second Max reaches out to touch my arm, the anger returns and I wrench the door open, stalk through it and slam it behind me. Holding my chin up, I walk determinedly along the hallway to the stairs. I ignore the sound of the bedroom door opening behind me, and Max's shout as he follows me. I walk faster in the hopes of avoiding him, but he catches up with me on the stairs. His hand reaches out to grab my arm, but I shrug out of his grasp and continue on down the steps ahead of him. However, when I reach the bottom step, I see something that makes me stop dead, causing Max to crash into me from behind. My mouth falls open and I try to speak, but all that comes out is a little squeak.

"Liz? What…?" he starts in annoyance, but then I guess his eyes land on the scene in front of us, because his next words are, "Oh shit!"

Becca and Jack are on the couch. Well, they're not just 'on the couch'; they're half-naked and making out on the couch; in the middle of the living room; while we were upstairs having a serious talk and subsequent raging argument.

God, what do I do now? Do I go back upstairs, try to calm things down with Max and get this incident out of my head? Or do I interrupt them and cause embarrassment all round?

Somehow, I don't think either scenario will work out well.

Oh crap.

TBC…