"Okay. I'll tell you everything..."
With a stutter of breath and a frantic heartbeat that felt like humming in his chest, Cal was ready to begin the story of how his 'daughter' came to be. He'd spent many sleeples nights praying that Isabella would never ask about the subject that brought tears to his eyes. It wasn't the easiest thing to tell anybody, let along the most important young lady in his life. She stood in front of him, only a few feet away but it might as well have been the other side of the city. It was a stab through his heart and soul, seeing her so unhappy, especially since he was inadvertantly the cause of it. But the catalyst of her and his misery was in the doorway, the only one benefiting from this all. In the distant light of his desk lamp, Jocelyn looked more horrid than ever before. Maybe his perception had finally lost the cloud of obligation he had held for his wife, for now she wasn't even human in his eyes. Each wrinkle, unconvincingly hidden behind a scraping of make-up, was obvious on her face. Her desperately dyed hair looked straw-like and brittle. Even her eyes had a demon fire in them, Cal didn't know why he hadn't noticed it before. If she didn't leave the room right now, he wouldn't be held accountable for his actions. He didn't want her there, smirking at his every word, when he told Isabella the truth.
"Jocelyn, leave us alone." He said, each syllable like a punch to his throat.
"Ha, after all this, you think I want to miss the climax?" She laughed. "This has been a long time coming Caledon, you know that."
"Get out Jocelyn." He said, a little stronger than before. Fists formed, white knuckles popping under his skin.
"Or what?" She challenged him. That was it - the final straw. With a swift step towards the door, Cal raised his hand, now relaxed and free, and struck her face as hard as he could. She tumbled to the floor like a rag doll, clutching her cheek, turning redder than the rouge which decorated it. Cal was strong, a reformed bully. But she deserved it, she knew that. Still. her lawyers would love this litle piece of news. Cal looked down his nose at her, no longer a registered human being in his eyes. Parasites deserved more respect than her.
"You haven't changed a bit over the years, have you?" Jocelyn laughed, knowing this display gave her the upper hand.
"GET OUT" He bellowed, a room shaking cry that rocked Jocelyn to the core of her hollow chest. She rose from the floor and strutted away, cheek throbbing and smile ever present. That felt good, Cal thought. Now was not the time for a reappearance of his former ways, but the serpent deserved every blow she received. He turned back to Isabella, His actions had left her with a small feeling of intimidation coupled with relief. Jocelyn had paid her a huge favour by telling her the truth, if only for her own reasons, but it didn't make Isabella like the woman. It also showed her the monster within Cal Hockley. How he had kept it dormant for so long was mystifying. She didn't want to be near him but she yearned for the truth.
"Isabella..." Cal started.
"Just tell me the truth." She interrupted him. She didn't want to hear any grovelling apologies or paternal cries. The idea of calling that man 'father' made her shudder unexpectedly. It only took a matter of minutes for any feeling she had for Cal to disappear. She didn't know if it would come back after he had finished explaining. Isabella's eyes burned with pain from crying. She could feel her stomach turning over in her body, desperate to expel whatever was inside it but she just couldn't bring anything up. Cal too felt physically sick.
"I..." He started. not knowing how you start such a tale. "I don't know what to say."
"Start from the beginning. Start from the Titanic." Isabella was bitter, so obviously bitter and it didn't suit her mild, relaxed demeanour. It seemed like everybody today was revealing another side of their personalities seldom seen before.
"Well, I guess that would be best. You should sit down," He told her, but she stayed standing. Something told her she might want to make a quick escape later. "Okay then." Cal couldn't formulate any words in his mind. Scraps of memories and phrases spiralled in his head but nothing came out as a comprehensible sentence. Splutters of quick breaths and stammers were all he could manage.
"Who's Rose?" Isabella asked, saving him the trouble of starting the tale.
"Rose was my fiancee." He said, a little more relaxed, although relaxed was the last thing he was. Such topics were enough to bring on panic attacks. But now he had a beginning, and the quicker this was over the better. "We were engaged to be married in the summer of 1912. It wasn't for love, her family were in a severe amount of debt and needed a quick fix. So, my father suggested marriage. Everything was prepared for the wedding, but at the time we were in England. The Titanic was the most luxurious ship ever designed, so of course we had to travel on it." He sighed, remembering how horrid he used to be. "I was a ghastly man. Spoilt, cruel and just totally horrid." He turned to Isabella, aching for some sign of forgiveness. "But you changed all that, you made me a better person. It doesn't matter about the dramatics of it all, the important thing is you're my little girl and I love you. Surely nothing's..."
"Stop it." She spat out. "Just...just tell me the truth."
Cal paused for a few seconds. There was acid in the air, poisoning the small gap between the estranged pair. He wanted to be saved from his solitude, but the truth would spurn her away. However, she so needed the truth, it was in her eyes. He owed her that.
"Okay. So...so we boarded the ship and went about our businesses, meaning the usual upper class garbage. At the time it was my idea of heaven, how ironic. I was so blind, so foolishly selfish that I didn't even notice how unhappy Rose was. All that mattered to me was that my reputation was kept alive. I was a marriage away from an inheritance with no intentions of working for it, and that was all. But the strange thing is I did, on some unseen level, love her. It wasn't a proper love, like a good relationship should be built on. It was safe, and secure. Truthfully, I knew that Rose was an amazing woman and I'd never get anybody better than her. That's why it hurt so much when she met that man."
"Who?" Isabella whispered, as if her body was now incapable of anything else. She was exhausted beyond comprehsion.
"Jack Dawson. A nobody with nothing to offer her. They became...aquainted on the ship when he saved her from falling over the side. I knew she didn't slip, but I never told her that. I couldn't believe she'd rather die than be with me. It's the worst dent to your pride that you could possibly gain. But regardless of my selfishness, I was glad she was okay. Mr Dawson though, I knew he wanted her. Everything about him said so. Of course he did, Rose was a beautiful woman. If I could have given the order, he would have been thrown overboard. Against my better judgement, we invited him to dine with us. Everyone saw him as some sort of hero who we should welcome into our little group. I knew differently, and so did Rose's mother. She was a cold woman too, idealistic but uncaring. The marriage was a business deal, they were mere months away from bankruptcy, and she knew that Dawson could disrupt things. So when he came to dine with us, we combined every scrap of malice we could derive from him, his background, his attitudes, and tried to make him feel sub-human." Cal stopped, amazed with himself and how easily he talked about this. It was like a therapy session gone well. He'd never experienced closure from Rose, maybe this was it in some unwitting aspect. With one mere though, he could see her again. Not just the pose of her aged picture, but everything. It all seemed brighter now, more exposed. Her red hair practically burned on her beautiful head. Even her lips were alive, like precious stones he wanted to claim as his own but knew he never would. That was something he always knew throughout their engagement. No marriage document or attempt at some sort of partnership would change the fact she didn't love him. It was a pain that never ended. Shaking his head and waking himself up from the short blackout of reminiscence, he continued.
"It didn't work. He was everything we thought a working class man shouldn't be. It sickened me. Dawson upstaged me in every way possible which was unforgiveable. And all the time, I could see her watching him, looking at him in a way that she never looked at me. There was always this potential spark in her eye, a hint that one day something would make her come alive, and it was him that brought it out! I couldn't stand for it any longer so the next day I..." He stopped again. The next detail was something only 3 people knew about - one was dead and the other was off working somewhere else (Cal couldn't remember where Trudy the maid had gone to exactly). He didn't wish to share the moments of monstrosity with Isabella, it was a lapse of concentration.
"Yes?" She pressed him for more. He couldn't lie to her, not now.
"I did something stupid. Actually I did nothing but stupid things that day..." Except for one, he thought to himself. "I forbade her from seeing that man again. But she was too headstrong to take my word seriously without action. And, like the bastard that I was, I lost it. The table that separated us went flying across the floor and I threatened her. It was, at the time, the stupidest thing I'd ever done. I've never forgiven myself for it either. Please don't think of me as a monster Isabella." His pleading eyes were bordering on pathetic for her. Cal was her hero, the omnipotent man who she adored all her life. Now he was like a begging dog who would do anything to gain it's master's love. Isabella had no idea she wielded such a power over him, she'd had no need to disagree with him before. But before, he was her father, now...she didn't know what the word for him was. When she didn't reply, Cal continued.
"That didn't work either. They fell in love right before my eyes and I despised her for it. She had to suffer, and the best way for me to do that was to destroy the thing she held dear. I don't think this part of the story is really necessary to what you want to know..."
"Tell me everything." She said simply. "Every detail."
"But why?"
Her voice registered as merely a whimper. "Because I want to know what sort of person you are."
"And you think that learning about the man I used to be will help you find that out?"
"If you don't tell me it now, that just makes you a liar, and anything's better than that."
"Do you really believe that?"
"Right now I'm not sure of anything. I just need to know this. So go on."
"Fine." Cal said, though not maliciously. "What she loved most was him, so me and my associate Lovejoy, a man worse than I, faked a robbery, pinning the blame on him. At the time we thought the matter would be fixed until we arrived in New York, but fate played a different hand. Unknown to us, the Titanic had struck an iceberg, and was mere hours away from resting at the bottom of the Atlantic. I didn't believe it at first, not many people did. When you guarantee that a ship is unsinkable, you sort of expect that promise to be fulfilled until the end of the journey. But when it sank in, we were stunned. The fool of a captain declared that the lifeboats should only be available for women and children, meaning half the people onboard were going to die. Not my problem at the time, all I cared about was myself and Rose. She didn't want to be anywhere near me, she only wanted Dawson. The first moment she got, she ran. Amid the confusion on deck, I lost her. Eventually I found her again. And him. I was so relieved that she was safe. Cold and soaking wet and in her simplest clothes, but safe. I had organised a safe passage for myself and she would go on board the lifeboat, ready to meet me in New York. But she wouldn't leave without that man. So, I did what I was good at and lied through my teeth, saying my passage allowed room for Jack. I had no intention of letting him near any means of escape. But whatever got her on board was worth it. She boarded and everything was fine. For all of 20 seconds. Then she jumped! She actually jumped off the boat and went back onto the Titanic! She put her love before her life. Her love before mine. Then I truly lost it. I pulled out a gun. It was a moment of pure, unadulterated madness, I can't remember what on earth was going through my mind at the time. I didn't want Rose dead, I never wanted her dead. I just didn't want her to love him. Death wouldn't end that but it would have healed my wounds. Instead, they ran into the sunken depths of the lower levels. I never saw her again."
"Did she die on the ship?" Isabella asked. She was genuinely interested in the story, even though it pained her to do so. This must have been what it it was like to watch the Titanic sink from a distance. You knew how devastating it was, how irreparable the damage could be, yet you couldn't tear your attention away from it.
"I expect so. I looked for her for months afterwards but no record of her exists. The best private investigators in New York couldn't locate her. Part of me thinks she's still out there, under a new identity and free of everything we used to be. But I gave up hope long ago. No woman ever replaced her, Jocelyn could never even come close. Shall I continue?"
Isabella nodded.
"After Rose had gone, I found out my chances of escape had too. Men were still banned from passage. And I panicked, I didn't know what to do." Cal looked Isabella straight into her burning eyes, like he was inspecting a precious work of art. She truly was to him.
"Then I saw you."
Isabella suddenly felt the need to sit down. She fumbled her way into the desk chair, perched against the edge. Whatever came next, it surely couldn't be good.
"You were so helpless, this lost little child crushed up against the deck, tears pouring from your eyes. You were screaming and sobbing and totally alone. In the confusion I guess you must have become separated from...well, you know who from."
"From my real family." She whispered, not believing the words herself. It was something Cal didn't want to comprehend. The other family never existed to him and they shouldn't to Isabella either.
"I guess we sort of found each other. We were both lost souls in need of an escape. I saved you. Isabella, the next thing I tell you will sound completely selfish but I implore you to remember all that we've done together since and how much I love you. Back then, I wasn't the same person I am now, you made me who I am and I love you so much."
"What happened?"
"Well, I guess the fact that we're both here now talking about it is the best answer I can give." He said, awaiting her reply with baited breath.
"You just picked me up and got on a boat."
"No." The hardest answer Cal ever had to give.
"What happened then?"
"I walked past you. I just kept walking towards the lifeboat, hoping I'd still get on. But that plan failed. Then...then I saved you." Cal said, the end of his sentence trailing off into silence. Years of reading between the lines with every back-stabber that came her way had left Isabella with a keen skill for perception. She didn't need to hear the rest, she knew she wasn't the only one saved. She desperately wanted to fire back at him with a scathing insult, so he knew how sickeningly selfish his actions were. He already knew it of course, but didn't regret a thing. But some scrap of daughterly instinct held onto her and stopped her. She was somebody's daughter but who? Would she ever find out? Did she even want to?
"I went back to where you were stuck and grabbed you." He said as quickly as possible, as if the words were poison. "We got on the lifeboat and escaped."
What followed was the most excruciating silence Cal had ever experienced. Isabella seemed to stop breathing. She knew the truth now and it killed him.
"So I was just some bargaining tool to you." She finally broke the silence, her voice waivering with each syllable. "Was I ever anything else?"
"At the time?" He asked. She nodded, though barely seemed to move. "No. Not at that moment in time."
"Oh." Isabella said. Nothing else seemed suitable for the moment. What could you say when your heart was being broken and everything you thought of as your life for so long was breaking off piece by piece before your eyes? She was exhibiting all the signs of a lady in anguish, except for the tears. It wouldn't be long before they fell again. All her life that she could recall, Isabella had heard the stories of the less than pleasant Caledon Hockley. They declared him to be a snobbish, selfish and despicable man, which made him sound like a sort of caricature. How could she have been so blind? The real question was how could he have been so convincingly perfect to her? A leopard doesn't change his spots, no matter how hard he tries. The man she used to know would have saved a little girl in need no matter what the personal gain, so who was this standing in front of her?
"Isabella, please try to understand what was happening at the time." Cal babbled. "I'm not that man anymore. And anyway, what is the use of arguing over this? We're here together now, and we've shared a wonderful life together. That never would have happened if I hadn't done what I did. Can you honestly say you have hated your life? Or you've ever wanted for anything? I gave you that! I'd do it again if I had to."
"What about afterwards?" She asked. She didn't want to be dragged into a sentimental matter because she didn't have any answers. Not ones that she wanted to say. "What was your masterplan for when you got to New York? Because I doubt it involved me." She surprised even herself with the level of malice in her voice. Jocelyn would have been proud.
"I'm not on trial here!" Cal spat back.
"No, but this confession is just as damning!" Their voices were getting louder and more aggresive. "Did it?"
"No! No it didn't. If you must know, I was going to put you in an orphanage the moment we docked!" He bellowed, immediately regreting it. It was true but he wished it wasn't.
"Then why did you?"
Cal paused, keeping his voice level. He didn't want to exclude Isabella any more, she was his daughter always and forever. "Because..." His voice returned to its normal level. "Because somehow, while we were sitting on that rescue boat being counted, and you were sitting on my lap crying your little eyes out, I realised I couldn't just leave you. You didn't have a soul in the world to care for you. At the time neither did I. So I took you to a hotel where you slept for over 2 days. I never left your side. I kept thinking about where you would go and what would happen to you, then it hit me how I couldn't let you go. I just couldn't stand the idea of you leaving me alone. You hadn't said a word to me the entire time we'd been on the boat, but I felt such a connection with you. So, when the time came for me to return to Pittsburgh, I took you with me and haven't looked back since."
"How the hell did you convince everybody that I was yours?"
"When you have enough money you can do anything. My family told everyone we knew that you were my biological child, and your mother was a former flame of mine who had recently died. It worked, and after the paperwork was taken care of, there were no qualms to fix. So it has been for 14 years. And...that's the end of it."
"No it's not. This doesn't just end because you want it to."
"Why can't we just leave it be?" Cal begged. "How does this change anything? You're still the most important thing in my life and always will be."
"How can I believe a thing you say? You didn't even have the decency to tell me the truth from the beginning? how would that have changed anything if you'd been honest from the start?" The tears had arrived and now she couldn't breathe properly. She clutched at her chest with a mixture of pain and misery.
"If you had known, then you wouldn't have fully been mine. Everytime you looked at me, you would have known and I didn't want that. I wanted to be your father, your real father. I would sell my soul to have that honour. Now you know and my heart is shattering."
"So is mine." She admitted. "But why did you have to lie? I just can't understand that."
"What would you have done?"
"I don't know."
"You can't understand what it was like, you never will. I just want things to be like they were before you knew."
"Do you think that's at all possible?"
"Yes! Of course it is! All we need to do is move on and act like we used to be. You're still my daughter."
"I've never been anyone's daughter. Not in a long time. I can't even remember my real family, or who I was. Who am I?"
"You're Isabella Hockley. That's all that matters."
"Don't patronise me, I don't deserve that." Isabella edged towards the door. She wanted to get out of that huge, foreboding house and run away to anywhere. She wanted to go somewhere where she nobody knew her and be the person she knew she was underneath the lies and deception. "Who. Am. I?"
"I honestly do not know. All I know is that you're of Irish descent. But over 1500 people died on that ship and almost all of them are unknown. There is no chance of you ever finding anybody of remote relation because we don't know your real name, your family's name or their original location. When I officially adopted you I had them declared dead!"
"You selfish bastard!" Isabella shrieked. No doubt the whole house heard. "You monster!" Now the word fit the man. Her perception was clear and the dark water of her dreams had become crystal. Cal tried to approach her but she ran out the room, scrambling towards the door.
"Isabella!" He cried after her, trying to follow. But the years of comfortable living had left him in a less than ideal condition. Isabella sprinted out the door and into the impending darkness. She had nowhere to go but it was more appealing than in that house, the home of her fraudulent family. Those people were of no relation to her, and the more she thought about that, the harder her heart thumped against her chest. She needed time to think. Time to reflect on her past, present and future. She needed to find out who she was, because Isabella Hockley had just died in that house, never to return. The horse shed was her destination. Only there would she find someone who hadn't lied to her at all.
Cal finally made it to the door but Isabella was long gone.
"Isabella!?" He cried out into the distance but only the echo replied. "Isabella?!" He kept calling out, running out of breath and ready to fall to his knees and sob. He wanted to follow her but where to go? Every direction led to somewhere completely new and different, each with countless places she could hide. It was obvious that she didn't want to be near him, but he wouldn't give up. He'd never let his daughter go. She was his.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Author's note: Took ages to do because of my silly broken computer. Now I have a new one with a better keyboard and since I finish school soon I'll have more time to write this. My only worry is that this chapter doesn't liove up to expectations. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to write. So I hope I didn't disappoint. More to come soon and thanks for the continuing support! Every review is wonderful!)