Fran Goes on Jerry Springer
Seriously, why does it highlight obviously bogus websites that don't even make any sense? Who ever heard of .Moron?
"Fran, I seriously don't think you could possibly fit a palm pilot up there, let alone a laptop!" Balthier yelled.
"Can and will." The Viera hissed, holding a laptop. (My dead one. I have a brand new one now. -- Lisa).
"Where did she get that? Take it from her! She's going to kill her babies if she tries to put that in her!" Jerry yelled.
"Touch me and they won't even find your shadow. Want to join Mister Tidus in the Vapourized by a Viera Club?"
"Nobody wants to hurt you. We just don't want you to kill your twelve babies."
"Fran, I really hope all your daughters don't turn out like you. I couldn't stand it if I never eat anything that isn't Viera-flavoured again." Balthier remarked.
"I want my daughters to be just like me. They're part Viera, so they should act like Viera!" Fran yelled. Then she shouted a string of curses in Viera language, so nobody understood her swearing and it wasn't bleeped.
Vaan took the laptop and kicked it. It started up and he sat there playing Runescape. "Look! I just gained a magic level! And I still have 7,000 mind runes, 7,000 air runes, and a fire staff!"
"Ooooh runes. I like runes. Viera are good with runes. I got in trouble once for putting Jote's favourite runes up my snizz. Hey! I see no runes! I see a stupid computer and a stupid boy playing a stupid game!"
"Fran, there are no real runes right now. Just in the game. My magic level is now 2!"
"I'll show you magic level!" Fran screeched. She shoved a whole head of lettuce down Vaan's throat. "And by the way? That lettuce has been up my pussy too!"
"I have cabbage in this. Do Viera like cabbage?"
"No. I want carrots."
Vaan grabbed the mic once again. This time instead of yelling out the obnoxious sex phrase du jour, he belched really loud and sent another sonic boom through town. But somehow the laptop didn't get any more broken than it already was. And then Vaan said the obnoxious sex phrase of the day: "Attention audience members: Testicles. That is all. And Free tampons at www.VaanSux.Moron."
"I want those." Fran said, a weird look on her face.
"Why don't you just use candy canes instead? Or don't you do the same thing two years in a row? Just keep my cookies away from your vagina. I swear, twelve babies or not, I'll kill you if you do that to my cookies! Bunansa secret recipes do not call for the results tasting strangely like the inside of a Viera's pussy!" Balthier warned.
"Can I leave beer for Santa again?" Fran asked.
"Santa does not leave gifts for bad little Viera who violate themselves."
"So no more sex toys like that giant Malboro cigarette for me?"
"You're a very bad bunny!"
"Fran still believes in Santa? Sheesh, what is she, five?" Ashe wondered sarcastically. Penelo was bound and gagged nearby. The teenager knew sign language, but Ashe had her hands tied behind her back.
(I can communicate telepathically Ashe! Isn't that cool?) Penelo thought.
"Oh my gods! I can't escape your stupidity no matter what can I?!"
(Ha! I win round 472!)
"Why did they have to leave me with you? Why did Vaan have to go? He would've just played Runescape!"
(He had to go because he knocked Fran up.)
"I'm with Balthier. I'm interested in tasting the Bunansa secret recipe cookies. Fran had better not mess with them."
"Hey Vaan? What is that game now?" Fran asked, looking over Vaan's shoulder.
"A game I found on a stupid site. It's called 'Jamming grenades up an innocent Viera's pussy.' It's about killing Viera. You get unlimited grenades. You try to fit as many up there before they blow and the Viera dies. The Viera looks a lot like you. My record is 24 grenades."
"That's a racist game and Viera are not sex toys! How do I sign in?" Fran asked.
"Apparently, the Viera is a virgin, so the grenades are harder to get in."
"Vaan! Get off the pornographic game site NOW!" Jerry yelled.
"Balthier is gonna get one hell of an Easter basket in a year and a half. A basket full of baby rabbits. My babies should come out around that time. They'll be the baby rabbits. I probably won't even need to dress them up, because they'll already have bunny ears! One time Balthier taught me about hell. He says that's where I'm going because I'm a bad Viera and he doesn't think Viera even have souls, but we do. Hell yes. Hell hell hell hell…" Fran started singing.