A/N: Hello, mayzee back again with another installment. I've been writing a lot of drama and angst in my other stories lately so decided to cheer myself up by attempting a humorous chapter with this one. It becomes increasingly ridiculous...bordering on farcical...and more than likely OOC. But I hope it brings you a little joy and that you read it with a light heart, keeping all that in mind.

The wonderful Consulting Patrick Jane is up next...

Chapter 10 - Shopping, Stripping & Stopping

Lisbon smiled as she sipped her coffee in the lounge as Jane sat beside her drinking his tea. Between a rather excellent massage and a strong coffee in her hands she was feeling more relaxed than she had in years. And she had to admit that seeing Jane jealous of her masseur topped off the last hour with a cherry on top.

'You never did finish telling me what happened when you went on your date with Fischer,' she said calmly.

He relaxed into the soft cushions of the couch they sat on and draped an arm around her shoulder, pleased that she seemed much more comfortable in recognising how he felt about her and not dwelling on unnecessary petty jealousy any longer. He wanted to make sure it stayed that way. In fact, he could probably do with taking a leaf out of her book himself after his reaction to Les at the spa.

'There's really nothing much else to tell,' he replied, his fingers ghosting over her shoulder. He pecked her cheek and moaned lightly, changing the subject swiftly, 'Hmm, you smell divine. Peppermint oil was a good choice for you.' He pecked her earlobe. 'Even if it was applied by a man ten years my junior.'

She laughed softly and turned her head, kissing him gently. 'Only ten? After this morning I'm beginning to wonder just how old you really are, creaky,' she joked.

'Just a little teething problem I assure you, my dear. It's been a while since I've done any heavy lifting,' he chuckled.

As expected he received a whack on his arm for his remark. He drew her into his embrace a little more. 'I'm pleased you've relaxed your no touching rules.'

'Well it's only because we're in public. We have to keep up the air of a honeymooning couple, don't we?' she smiled, resting her head on his shoulder.

'Well for future reference I'd prefer a soft caress from you than a thump.' He kissed the top of her head. After a second he added, 'Teresa, have you considered just how unfair this situation is? I mean here we are, able and encouraged to flaunt our affection to all and sundry publicly but confined to our room we have to behave like monks. Or a nun in your case.'

He shook his head as Lisbon began to giggle. 'It's quite funny when you put it that way.'

'Not funny, Lisbon. Not one bit funny,' he replied but then chortled a little at the absurd situation they were in. 'I have to say the condiments cupboard is looking a lot more appealing every minute.'

'How romantic of you,' she laughed. 'Okay,' she added with more focus, straightening up, 'John Sheridan then? What's the plan?'

'Oh, it's up to me as usual is it?' he smiled.

'Well we both know that you'll want to get a reaction from him to get a read most probably. And if that involves making him mad then it's right up your alley. I'd hate to deny you that pleasure.' She paused, grinned. 'Especially when you've been denied so much already today.'

He rolled his eyes and pecked her lips. 'I don't need reminding. My sore back is a constant reminder.'

'I thought it felt better?'

'It did after the massage but it's starting to seize up again now I've sat down. But I'm sure I'll be right as rain by morning.'

She raised herself from the couch, 'Come on then old man, let's talk to this guy then you can have your afternoon nap.'

Lilly was still on reception when they approached and she bristled immediately when she recognised the brash couple from earlier. Politely, 'Mr. & Mrs. Jane. How can I be of some help this time?'

'We need to speak to the Manager,' Jane said immediately, stony faced. 'So you can take that fake smile off your face and get him for us.'

Lilly baulked at his brusqueness, 'Um...well if you could perhaps tell me the problem first-'

Rudely, 'So I have to repeat myself? I think not, young lady. Now move that poky little ass of yours and get him for us.'

Lilly reddened immediately. 'You...you can't talk to me like that!' she said after a pause to find her voice.

'Oh? Or what?' Jane replied, raising an eyebrow.

'Or...or I'll speak to the Manager about you!' Lilly huffed. As soon as the words were out of her mouth she realised she'd just been cornered into giving Jane exactly what he wanted.

Jane grinned immediately. 'There you go, Lilly.' Appropriately condescending to her he added, 'Now, move along then.' He gestured for her to go behind the door to her back where he assumed the Manager's office lay.

As Lilly disappeared Lisbon stared at him wide eyed. 'Jeez, Jane, did you have to go over the top like that with her? I thought we already ruled her out as a suspect.'

'We have but the answer is I absolutely did have to, Lisbon. Two aims. One, it gets us a meeting with Sheridan tout de suite and two, it gives our little friend there something to complain to her new fiancé about.'

Lisbon began to smile. 'Oh, so Henderson will hear about your rant at his fiancée and if he's the killer then-'

'It might spur him on to come after us. Precisely. Worth a shot.'

'We need to find out what Fischer discovered about him by the way. Henderson I mean-'

'Shh,' Jane interrupted as a sullen faced Lilly reappeared before them. Barely civil she said, 'Mr Sheridan will see you in his office. Please come this way.'

She led them behind the reception desk and into the office behind where a man in his mid fifties with greased back dyed black hair rose to his feet. He was of medium build, wore a freshly pressed black pinstriped suit, red polka dotted tie and had a goatee. He reminded Lisbon of a well groomed gangster from a Jimmy Cagney movie, almost expecting him to be wearing spats on his feet.

'Mr. Jane, Mrs. Jane I presume,' he said smoothly, nodding for Lilly to make her exit. As she closed the door behind her he continued, 'Please do take a seat,' nodding towards the two chairs that sat opposite his desk.

'I'll stand, thanks,' Jane said gruffly. While he wanted to give the impression of a man in a hurry he also didn't want to have to be helped off the chair should his back give out again thus blowing any chance of retaining the upper hand. As Lisbon took a seat opposite him Sheridan asked, 'So, what appears to be the trouble?'

'Well my wife and I want to know what's being done about the Summers' murders of course,' Jane replied, as if it was obvious.

The other man shifted uncomfortably in his chair. 'Well the FBI is investigating that terrible crime. They have their best people on it I believe. And we've recently installed new security cameras-'

'Well they sure as hell didn't do Gina and Mike any good, did they?' Lisbon cut in. 'How come the perpetrator hasn't been caught yet then?'

He swallowed nervously. 'Um...well...they were switched off at the time...' he muttered. He cleared his throat, 'Look, I'm sorry but I can't say anymore than that to hotel guests. I've said too much already. Please take my word that all my staff are cooperating with the authorities to bring this terrible killer to justice.'

Jane responded, 'I have to say the thought of a killer running wild around here killing honeymooners is putting a severe dampener on our own.'

'You're on honeymoon?' Sheridan asked, taking more notice of Jane. 'Why how wonderful for you both. I had no idea. Then I'm doubly sorry.'

As the manager fished in his desk drawer Lisbon narrowed her eyes at Jane, silently asking him if Sheridan was actually unaware of that fact or was just acting surprised. He shook his head quickly back at her, his eyes telling her that he was genuinely surprised. A few moments later Sheridan produced two pieces of card, offering them to Lisbon across the desk. 'Tickets to our black tie event tomorrow night. Complimentary of course. A dazzling couple like yourselves will brighten up the event, bring a little glamour to the dance floor.'

Lisbon noticed Sheridan stare at Jane when he said the word 'dazzling' and his eyes linger on her pretend husband as he completed the sentence. Her eyes flicked to Jane in a question but he ignored her and instead lifted the cards from the desk, suddenly smiling warmly at Sheridan. 'Well that is kind of you...?'

'John, please,' the other man said, fumbling with a pen on his desk.

'John,' Jane nodded. 'But I'm afraid my wife and I didn't pack for such an event.'

After a slight pause Sheridan began to write a note. He smiled a toothy grin at Jane. 'Then I insist you rent a tuxedo at the hotel's expense. Ask for Gareth at the dress shop, he'll fit you out, Mr. Jane. Just give him this note from me.' As he passed the note he added, 'And might I suggest a dark single breasted fit would look outstanding on a man with your...physique.'

Jane continued to smile effortlessly at the other man. 'Why thank you, John. I'm pleased we could come to a civilised arrangement after all. And that the hotel is in obviously such good hands.'

A blush rose on the other man's cheeks.

'And for my wife?' Jane added, barely missing a beat.

Sheridan blinked and stuttered, glancing at Lisbon. 'Oh yes of course...your wife...um...well the same goes for her of course.' He turned his full attention to Lisbon. 'It would be our pleasure, Mrs. Jane, naturally. You're...you're a lucky woman,' he added, a little wistfully.

As they exited the office and entered the elevator Lisbon shook her head. 'I wasn't imagining that, was I?'

Jane grinned, 'Nope.'

'So, the manager, who is married...is gay?'

'It would appear so. Either that or my devilish good looks have turned a straight man.'

'Yeah, I think I'll stick with gay,' Lisbon said nonchalantly, pressing their floor button.

'Certainly explains the lack of a sex life with Heather,' Jane replied.

'But why stay together if he is?'

'Appearances most probably.'

'In this day and age? Who cares?'

'Well it could be for monetary reasons too. Maybe doesn't want a costly divorce. And I don't think his wife's aware. Or if she is she's in total denial about it. And even if she does know she's a snob in any case. Maybe doesn't want the embarrassment of it coming out that their marriage is a sham. Maybe they both don't. Anyway, not really our business. Main thing is he's not the killer.'

'Why? Because he's gay?' she smirked, raising an eyebrow. 'Gay people are capable of murder too, Jane,' she joked.

'Yeah, I am aware of that,' he said, rolling his eyes, 'He's not the killer because he's terrified of losing his job. I mean...he doesn't have much else in his life. Certainly not his wife. No photographs of children on his desk so they obviously didn't go down that route before things...stagnated. Job is what he lives for. There's no way he'd put that in jeopardy. And if he did have some kind of psychopathic streak he'd never let it loose in his beloved hotel.'

'So perhaps that gives the killer motive? Or at least why he's killing here and not somewhere else. Trying to push Sheridan out?'

'Could be.'

'I feel sorry for him,' she remarked. 'It's a lonely life when all you have is work.'

He put his arms loosely around her waist, kissed her softly, 'Yeah, it certainly is.'

As they entered their room Jane rolled his eyes at the camera overhead and yawned, rubbing his back. It had been an eventful morning and since romance was out a little siesta sounded like an exceedingly appealing option. He lay on the bed as Lisbon got her phone out, giving Fischer an update on progress. A few minutes later she put it away and wandered over to the window and gazed at the Falls, smiling as she remembered their first kiss there. 'Fischer says she couldn't get much from the concierge. Wants us to talk to him tomorrow.'

'Hmm, figures,' he replied, his eyes closed and his hands resting peacefully on his stomach.

'Chavez has been ruled out of last night's murders too. Security camera picked him up delivering room service to a couple on the fourth floor. They've verified it too.'

'Another one down then,' he mumbled. 'Good.'

'Hmm. Background checks on Kevin Nichols came through. He spent some time in juvy but nothing after that.'

'Interesting. We'll have to make a point to talk to him soon.'

She came to stand beside him. 'Are you really going to sleep?' she said, prodding his chest.

He opened his eyes lazily. 'Unless you're willing to use your Glock on that camera then I can't think of any better options presently. Just a catnap I promise.'

Her fingers on his chest she drew a lazy pattern on it, her back obscuring the camera's view. 'Is your back really okay?' she asked softly.

'I'll be fine, Teresa,' he smiled, rubbing her fingertips.

'Then I think I'll go and choose a dress for the ball tomorrow night. Might as well get it over with.'

'I look forward to seeing it,' he smiled seductively. 'I'm quite an easy fit; I'll pick out my tux in the morning.'

After she left the room Jane picked up his phone and called Wylie. 'Wylie, I need a favour...'

She felt a little like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman as she entered the designer boutique of the hotel complex. But then again perhaps not. While Ms Roberts was only too happy to have attendants pander to her Lisbon detested shopping for this kind of outfit and she palmed anyone off who came near her as she wandered around the store. She should have had Jane pick out her dress like he had with the gorgeous red one he'd bought her. Although since his taste seemed to have her encased in something a little snug fitting she figured it might be better to choose a ball gown herself. For a few minutes she strolled around from rack to rack, running her hand over various fabrics and cuts. Just to make some kind of choice she saw a gold high collared dress she thought might look nice and held it up against her. She tilted her head from side to side as she gazed in the mirror. She rolled her eyes and decided to try it on, hoping it would appear better on.

Five minutes later she stared at the reflection opposite her.

It did not appear better on.

Instead it made her look like a startled goldfish. Sighing in frustration she redressed and left the dress back, giving herself another five minutes before she would admit defeat and drag Jane out of bed to help her. As she came across a cream lace dress she did what she did before and held it up against her frame. When a head suddenly appeared in the mirror behind her she let out a little shriek of surprise.

She turned and found Wylie grinning at her. 'Can I help you, ma'am,' he smiled.

'Wylie!' she whispered. 'You scared the crap out of me. What are you doing here?!'

'Jane says you might need some help.'

'From you?' she asked incredulously. 'Since when are you a fashionista?'

'Cho's taught me a few things. I'd have asked him but he's busy with the case. Don't worry, I know about cuts, lines and so on-'

'Hang on a minute. Since when does Cho know anything about fashion?'

He frowned, 'His mother of course. She could run up a designer gown before breakfast.'

She mirrored his frown. 'I...I never knew that,' she admitted. 'How did you?'

'I asked what his parents did,' he replied cheerfully. 'How else?'

She nodded, slightly ashamed she'd never thought to take the trouble herself all these years. Warming more to her new younger colleague she smiled appreciatively. 'Okay, I could use the help.'

After he placed three gowns in her hand he waited outside the dressing room as she tried them on, chatting amiably to her. 'So, you and Jane have worked together a long time,' he said.

'Yeah, and Cho,' she replied, zipping up a black velvet sleeveless dress.

'I've never worked with anyone like him. Or Cho come to that,' he said to the curtain.

She laughed softly, smoothing down the fabric. 'Yeah, they're both unique in their own ways. You'll get used to it. Jane likes you. So does Cho. So you're more than halfway there.'

She drew the curtain across and walked out. Wylie's almost incessant smile narrowed into a contemplative look as he studied the dress on her. 'Hmm. Not bad. You look a little like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's.'

'O...kay,' Lisbon replied, frowning, 'Is that a good thing?'

He tilted his head from side to side. 'Well you look sophisticated certainly but...well...' He swallowed nervously.

'Just spit it out, Wylie.'

'Well...um.' He glanced at her chest area quickly, blushing immediately. 'Well...maybe the dark purple dress might better accentuate your...eyes?' he tried with a suitably embarrassed smile.

'Oh god,' she said rolling her eyes as she went back into the cubicle.

She dressed in the dark purple dress Wylie had chosen for her, taking off her bra so she could see how it might look on her better. She'd need to invest in a strapless one if she was going to wear it. Her shoulders bare the bodice fitted perfectly around her torso, a soft V in the neckline enhancing her cleavage sexily but still moderately discreetly. Flowing chiffon draped over a slightly curving satin underskirt completed the look. She smiled as she stared at herself. Her waist pinched in by the sturdy bodice it gave her a hell of an hourglass figure even she had to admit. Her heart raced at the thought of Jane seeing it on her. She knew he'd love it and imagined his eyes dark with desire when they danced the following evening. She grinned and shook her head. What the hell was happening to her that his opinion on what she wore mattered? And since when did she like dressing up? The words of an old song ran through her head. It must be love, love, love...

'How's it going?' Wylie asked from the other side of the curtain.

'I think this is the one,' she smiled, drawing it back for him to see.

When Wylie's eyes fell to her chest once again she laughed softly. 'Hey,' she reprimanded softly. 'Up here.'

Red again he stammered as he quickly moved his eyes from her décolletage to her face, 'Sorry...wow...Lisbon you look incredible.'

'I do, don't I?' she grinned.

'Jane's going to love it,' he added.

'You think?' she smiled. Then she remembered she was supposed to be only acting like Jane's wife. She changed her expression to a neutral one quickly. 'I mean...it doesn't really matter if he does...it's just an act we're putting on, Wylie.'

He nodded slowly, a knowing smile on his lips. 'Of course...of course.'

As she went to get changed she mentally made a note to get some shoes to match. She might as well go the whole way if she was going to dress up. And maybe some lingerie...She couldn't remember the last time she'd bought something sexy. Even if they couldn't do anything about it she could drive him wild. Payback for all the times he'd wound her up over the years.

Her mind elsewhere she began to unzip the dress absentmindedly. The zip stopped midway down her back. She tutted and yanked it again. Nothing. 'Oh, crap,' she mumbled as she felt around the back. She felt a bulge of material that must have got caught in the zipper. After a few more seconds of trying it she whispered, 'Wylie! You still out there!'

'Yeah,' he muttered, 'Just playing a game on my phone.'

'Get in here!'

'Sorry, what did you say?' he asked, his voice a little higher than normal.

Urgently, 'You heard me. Get in here now. I need you.'

Wylie almost dropped his phone. His mouth went dry. 'Um...I don't think...'

'My dress is caught on my zipper. I need you to help me unzip it.'

'Maybe I could get one of the ladies-'

Suddenly an arm came out of the dressing cubicle and a hand pulled him inside roughly. 'Oh for god's sake, Wylie,' Lisbon fumed. 'Just help me out of this thing.' She turned her back to him pointing at the zipper. 'But don't rip it or I'll kill you with my bare hands.'

He looked around the cramped enclosure, wondering if he could make a run for it. From being so cheerful, feminine and girlish one moment Lisbon had suddenly turned into the bulldog he had been warned about. He doubted her threat was all talk.

'Don't get on her wrong side,' had been Jane's advice the first day he'd started working on their team. 'I'm one of few who can talk her round.' He'd tilted his head, grimaced slightly, 'Well usually.' Cho had nodded seriously at his side in consent as the three men drank their beverages in the FBI's break room.

But here he was now in the belly of the beast as it were.

'Wylie!' she bellowed in a whisper.

'Right,' he said, wishing he had a bottle of water to quench his thirst. 'Right,' he said again, clearing his throat. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his trousers before he bent down to take a closer look. 'Yeah, it's caught all right,' he confirmed.

'I know that. Now, ease it free.'

'Maybe I really should get a woman to help-'

'Oh for god's sake Wylie grow a pair. Pretend I'm your mother if that helps.'

'Well that would be a little difficult to imagine. She doesn't quite have your...figure...You see she's a little...larger than you. Not her fault...glandular problem...makes her very self conscious really. Shame as-'

'Just get on with it, will you?!' she interjected to put an end to his stammering.

His fingers found the zipper finally and he began to nudge it gently. 'Um...nothing. It's really caught in there good.'

Unbeknown to them a small crowd of shoppers had gathered around their cubicle as theiy raised their voices in continuing to try to free the dress.

'Can you wiggle it?' Lisbon asked, breathing heavily.

'Yeah, I'm trying but it won't budge.'

'Well try harder.'

He panted a little as he tried to release the fabric. 'God it's really stuck tight.'

'Hang on, let me bend over more, see if that gives you more room to release it.' A second later, 'Any better?'

Now Wylie had got over his initial awkwardness in helping Lisbon out of a dress he was focusing on it like a puzzle he wanted to solve. 'A little. Just let me try to get a firm grip and then pull yourself forward.'

'Okay, here goes.'

'Yes! Got it out!' he said excitably.

'You didn't rip it, did you?' Lisbon asked, releasing a breath.

'No, we're good.'

She turned immediately to him and hugged him. 'Thanks Wylie. Sorry I was a little rough on you.'

'Oh...that's okay,' he replied, 'Just glad I could help you out in your hour of need.'

As she released him the unzipped dress slipped a few inches and Wylie witnessed a topless Lisbon for a few seconds until she realised. She grabbed the material back up as he stared wide eyed and open mouthed at the revelation he'd just seen. Both of them blushing furiously at her wardrobe malfunction she ushered him out of the dressing room, barely able to meet each other's eyes.

When she exited the cubicle the throng of people had dispersed but an older woman in her sixties shot her a withering look. 'Can't you book a room?! That poor young man,' she said, shaking her head.

It was only when Lisbon was paying for the shoes and underwear she'd picked out and waiting for her dress purchase to be put on the hotel's account that she replayed the conversation she and Wylie had in the cubicle. From being thoroughly shamefaced moments before she began to smile at how it had been misinterpreted, finding the funny side to it.

There was no sign of Wylie as she exited the store. She didn't want him to feel awkward around her so picked up her phone and called him. 'I'm so sorry,' he said before she got a word in.

'It's fine,' she laughed. 'I hope you enjoyed the show.'

'Um-'

'I wasn't actually looking for a response, Wylie.'

'Oh...okay. Good. If there's something I can do though to make it up to you-'

'Actually there is,' she grinned.

She slid the keycard into her suite door finding Jane just where she left him, snoring softly as he lay on the bed. Biting her lip she glanced at the camera and found the red light was no longer blinking as she had expected. She hung her new dress up and toed off her shoes. She took the other two boxes she'd brought in with her into the bathroom quietly, arriving back in the bedroom a few minutes later. Just to be on the safe side she hung a towel over the camera as an extra precaution.

'Jane,' she whispered at his side, surprised he hadn't stirred even though she'd tried to be quiet.

'Jane,' she said a little louder.

He snorted and opened his eyes slowly. He blinked twice rapidly as the vision in front of his eyes came into better focus. Lisbon was standing in a deep purple lace bra and matching panties, black stiletto heels completing the look.

'What do you think?' she smiled, licking her lips.

He opened his mouth and blinked again, his pupils dilating instantly. Then his eyes went straight to the camera.

'It's taken care of,' she said as she crawled on top of the bed and straddled him.

His hands impulsively went to her thighs. 'But they'll realise the towel's been put over it. They might come and check-'

His words were cut off by a kiss as she leaned over him. She held his bottom lip in her teeth gently for a moment before releasing it. 'Wylie's covering for us. We have half an hour. So I say we make the most of it...Patrick.' She began to kiss his jaw line and moved her kisses to his earlobe, biting on it gently.

His hands wandered to her waist and he moaned, beginning to nuzzle her shoulder. 'You told Wylie about us?' he asked, kissing her neck as his hands moved to her derriere and caressed the soft fabric that covered it.

'No, he owed me one. Saw me topless earlier,' she laughed, moving her kisses to his neck.

'Huh?!' he said, pulling her face to him.

She laughed again, kissing him. 'It was quite funny really.' She gyrated slowly over his groin and his eyes closed briefly as he groaned as she turned him on further. 'Now, you want me to tell you that story now or-'

He flipped her over onto her back and kissed her hungrily as a response.

'Watch your back,' she giggled as he began to massage her breast.

'It's fine,' he said, kissing her fiercely again. As he raised his head she noticed his eyes roll a little in his head.

'Are you okay?' she asked, more concern than passion in her tone now. 'You look...a little spaced out.'

'I'm fine,' he insisted, shaking his head. 'Wylie's doing all sorts of favours today it seems. My back was acting up a little still so he got me some muscle relaxers from the pharmacy before he helped you shop.' He kissed her again, trying to ignore the dizziness in his head. 'I'm just a little foggy. It'll pass.'

She moved from underneath him instantly to grab the pills on the nightstand. 'How many of these did you take?'

'Three, why?' he asked, attempting to rid her of her bra.

'It says to take one, two at the most!'

'Meh, what do those drug companies know? They always exaggerate. Probably worried about lawsuits. But if I knew you were planning this I wouldn't have taken any. Don't worry, Teresa. I'm more than capable of satisfying you before they have any effect.'

He grabbed the pills out of her hand and threw them to the side, beginning to kiss her with more urgency, trying to move her off the subject and back to her earlier purpose. He kept his eyes closed, hoping by doing so he wouldn't feel the room swaying around him.

'You sure you're okay?' she asked, moving him back onto his back and throwing a leg over his thigh as they kissed again.

'Perfect, I assure you,' he replied.

'Well maybe I should take charge of this just to be on the safe side,' she smiled as she began to undo his vest.

'Hmm. Sounds good to me,' he grinned as she kissed his neck and chest as she began to unbutton his shirt. She ran her tongue along his breastbone and she heard him murmur in response, 'God that feels wonderful.' He breathed heavily, running his fingers through her hair. As she placed kisses on his stomach a few moments later she became aware that Jane was no longer reacting to her touch and his hands had stopped moving but were still tangled in her locks.

She raised her face, cursing as his hands got caught further. 'Jane?' She pulled his hands free and moved to look at his face, his eyes closed and a smile on his face. Louder, 'Jane!'

A deafening snore was his only response.

'Son of a bitch,' she said quietly, shaking her head, too shocked to be angry. 'We're cursed...we must be,' she added to herself.