Chapter 9

Day Nine: New Strategy

--

JJ was frazzled. She didn't like not being in control and she was sure she was no longer in control of the situation between her and David. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. She'd tried to keep her mind off of it the night before by doing everything and anything she could. She'd cleaned her apartment top to bottom, done all of her laundry, even things she weren't even sure were dirty. She even went as far as to alphabetize her spice drawer.

Now, she'd checked, double checked, even triple checked that her go bag was packed and that her Christmas dinner list was carefully folded in the back pocket of her jeans. Her cell phone was in her purse along with the little foil packet Garcia had slipped her on the way out of the office.

"Make good use of it," Garcia suggested, eyes sparkling.

JJ's eyes had widened. "Penelope!"

She hadn't originally planned to pack it, planned to just hide it away in her bedside table. She wasn't sure she was ready for anything more than expressing that friendship just wasn't enough for her any more. While she was sure allowing David to take her to bed would be explosive, the insecure part of her, the part of her that had been hurt before by men who had told her that the FBI was not a place for a woman like her. She was never feminine enough, never available enough, never emotional enough to be a good girlfriend.

And that was only the beginning because JJ wanted, eventually, to be a wife and a mother. Attraction was all fine and good but she wanted a family. David had three ex-wives. A family just didn't seem to be in his life plan and as much as she wanted to ignore the rumours of his affairs around the FBI, sometimes... well, she just couldn't.

A firm knock interrupted her increasingly depressing thoughts. She took a deep, fortifying breath as she walked the few steps to the door. She put on her press smile as she pulled it open. "Hey."

He took her in slowly, eyes trailing from the top of her blond head to the tips of her rarely-used sneakers on her feet. "Hey Jen."

Never before had the short form of her name evoked such erotic shivers. Still, the thoughts about permanence whispered through her head.

"Jen?"

"Sorry," she said, her smile back in place.

His little half smile came out and she knew he knew something was off with her. Still, he stepped towards her into her apartment and into her personal bubble. "You ready to go?"

JJ swallowed reflexively, only now realizing that it was her heels that put her on even height with David. "Yeah," she answered. "My bag's on the couch."

He brushed past her, his arm against hers actually making her shiver. He turned with a little smile, proving he'd felt it. "You're going to need a coat, Jen. It gets cold in Little Creek."

"I wasn't aware any sort of hike was planned." The words were out before she could stop them. She knew she'd played right into his hands by the way his eyes glinted.

"I'm all for spending the next few days inside, sweetheart, I just figured you'd have something else to do in the great outdoors."

She was blushing. "Um... Yeah."

Come on, Jennifer! Get a hold of yourself!

He'd thrown her completely off kilter. He was done playing games. He was here, in her apartment. And she wanted this all to be more than just a fairy tale. Her hands were shaking as she reached into her front hall closet to get her winter coat, thermal headband and mittens. Her breath caught in her throat, remembering the feel of his body against hers from the day before as he took her trembling hand.

"Let's get on the road."

Something was off. Something had changed. He wasn't used to this demure little girl sitting in the passenger's seat. Even the worried JJ always had strength and intelligence that shone. This JJ, this odd blond woman sitting there silently was someone different, someone he didn't recognize and someone he didn't like. One of the things that had drawn David to JJ to begin with was her confidence in the face of everything. She never backed down, was never the little blond she looked like. But something had set her off.

"Jen?"

"Hm?"

He reached over to take her hand. "What's going on with you?"

"What do you mean?"

But he recognized the smile she flashed him. "Come on, Jen. Don't play with me."

"Wasn't it you who said we were going to stop playing games?"

It clicked. He'd spooked her. He wasn't sure how, but he'd spooked her. "If that's okay with you."

She bit her lip and he knew that she truly was uncomfortable. "I think that depends, Dave."

"On?"

JJ took a deep breath. "What kind of games we're done playing."

She wanted to have this conversation now? He didn't want to have this conversation now. He wanted to have this conversation when he could face her head on, have her see everything he was feeling, everything that was going on in his mind. She'd started this game, didn't she? Why didn't she seem to want to see it through?

"Jen, a week ago, you came to me, sweetheart. Now… Now you're spooked."

She sighed. "I… I don't know," she said. "I…"

He pulled over, right to the side of the highway. "What are you scared of?"

--

He was putting her on the spot and she didn't like it one bit. She didn't like that he was forcing her to think things though, not giving her a chance to understand these feelings in her head and in her heart. "Can we just drop it?"

"No, we can't. Because I want to understand."

She blew out a breath, slamming her palms to her thighs. "That's great. You want to understand. I don't understand!"

Oh she hated that look, the look that said 'I know you're not telling me the whole truth'. "I think you do."

She crossed her arms, unwilling to give him even half an inch. But he stayed silent beside her and while JJ recognized it as a well-used interrogation technique, there was nothing she could do to make the silence any less deafening. She knew she would give in even before she did. "What are we doing, Dave?"

"Literally?"

Now she wanted to hit him. "Seriously."

"We're doing whatever you want to do, Jen."

She could see the honesty of that statement in his eyes, but she wasn't sure it made her feel any better. "What does that mean?" Her heart stuttered when he took her hands.

"What do you want?"

His trusting eyes, the whirlwind of emotions... Everything came tumbling out in a rush. "I want a future," she said. "I want... I want you and I want a future and I'm not sure they can work together."

--

She'd said it. It really had come out of her mouth. She wanted him. "I'm jaded, honey."

She snorted out laughter, but it didn't sound genuine. "I know, trust me, I know. Three ex-wives, who knows how many flings... plus this job... I know."

He didn't like the tone of her voice there. "Jen-"

"No, I get it. Take me home."

"Whoa, where did that come from?"

"I don't' know why I thought... I just... Emily and Hotch and then you and..."

She wasn't making any sense. "Jen, I'm not going to take you home."

"What? Why?"

"Because I want you in Little Creek with me for Christmas," he responded, swiftly and easily. Hadn't he made that clear in asking her? "I'm a callous bastard, Jen, but I want you with me for Christmas."

--

He made it seem so easy, so easy to admit that he wanted her. Of that, she really didn't have any mistaken delusions, but what she didn't want was to set herself up for failure. She couldn't set herself up for failure. It wasn't a matter of whether or not she'd recover, but a matter of how long it would take. They both had to be so sure if they were going to go into this. So why had she started this little game? A week ago she'd been ready to do whatever it took to have him. Now she was questioning herself, questioning him, questioning whether or not something more than a friendship could work. Because she truly valued his friendship, needed it to ground her when things got rough.

"I want a future."

"I can't promise you a future."

She mentally thanked him for his honesty. "I know."

His hand slid under her chin. "I can't promise you a future right now."

JJ couldn't stop the little fluttering in her heart.

"I don't know if I will ever be able to promise you a future. What I do know is right now, right here, I want you in my life and for the sliver of future I allow myself to imagine, I want you beside me. After that... I don't know, Jen. Things change, they always do, and I don't want to make you a promise I can't keep. I won't make you a promise I can't keep."

She slipped her chin from his hold, folding and unfolding her fingers. There was the juxtaposition she knew David to be. She didn't like that he couldn't promise her a future. At the same time, she was glad he wasn't going to make her a promise he wasn't sure he could keep. And, much to her surprise, she understood where he was coming from.

"Let's enjoy Christmas," he proposed. "See what happens. We'll go at your speed, you can make the decisions, okay? We'll talk after Christmas?"

JJ took a deep breath and nodded, meeting his eyes once again. "Okay."

Do you know how odd it is to write about Christmas after Christmas? It feels weird! Thanks to everyone that has reviewed, especially Tracia and Tonnie. I know a lot of people thank you guys, but this chapter probably would have been a lot longer in coming and much shorter if it wasn't for your encouraging words. Thank you!