If You Should Fall

I was free. In freefall.

The White Coats would never be able to hurt me again, no one would. I was free.

There was a yell of surprise from above me and Angel cried. "Stop her!" I looked up to see the flock diving after me. Trying to save me. But I didn't want to be saved. I looked down at the ground rushing to meet me. It was probably going to hurt, a lot. Best to get it over quickly. I pivoted in mid air to fall head first. One quick crack and it would all be over; all the hurt would be gone. I'd be free.

The wind roared in my ears, drowning out all other noise. My eyes should have been watering but they were still clear and showing the earth approaching at a dangerous speed.

"Open your wings," a voice whispered in the back of my mind and my wings twitched in response. I forced them shut, knotting my hands behind my back to prevent them opening. I was never going to open my wings again.

I don't have wings.

The roar faded into a faint buzz at the back of my mind and I smiled despite myself. It was so peaceful. If I closed my eyes I could imagine I was anywhere, floating forever on an azure sea for instance. I closed my eyes and was immediately back in the tank, molten death flowing through my veins. I wrenched my eyes open; I couldn't go through that again, twice was enough.

"Open your wings," the voice whispered again, more forcefully this time. My wings strained to open but I held them firm against my back. I was never going to open them again.

The treetops swayed slightly in the early morning breeze, seemingly beckoning me towards them. Well I couldn't go any faster.

"Open your wings," the voice commanded and I moved to obey. Opening my wings slightly and then slamming back against my back. I didn't have wings.

"Open them!" the voice yelled as the treetops rushed towards me.

"Sophie, open your damn wings!" Max yelled, screaming towards me.

I looked up at her and shook my head solemnly. "No," I said simply and turned to face the trees once more. Not long now. Couple of seconds at best. This was going to hurt so much.

"Open. Your. Wings." the voice ordered. Why did I recognise it from somewhere?

"I don't have wings," I thought back ramming my wings against my sides and counting the seconds to impact in my head. Three. Two. One…

Max grabbed me and flared her wings pulling up and fast as she could. We skimmed the treetops with inches to spare and Max swerved suddenly to avoid hitting a tree that loomed above the others.

"Let go of me!" I cried hysterically, struggling against her iron grip. She didn't budge.

"Not a chance Soph," she yelled, flapping hard to remain airborne. "What the hell were you doing?"

I fell limp in her arms, I couldn't get away. I'd only break bones from this height anyway. "I just want it to end," I said softly, tears in my eyes. "I can't go on anymore. I just… can't" I started crying, teardrops falling to earth far below.

"It's okay Sophie," Max said soothingly. "It'll be alright." I wished I could believe that. "Let's find a place to land."

We landed in a small clearing right next to the town and I collapsed on the ground crying. I just wanted to escape. Just get away from the White Coats and the Erasers, and the wings on my back. Away from this nightmare that had become my life. Just curl up in bed and listen to the gentle sounds of my family surrounding me, Dad dozing in front of the TV, Mum pottering around the house, Kit listening to her stereo too loud, not that that was likely to happen again. None of it was likely to happen again actually.

I got halfway through wrapping myself in my wings before I realised what I was doing and then furled them angrily behind my back. The flock looked down at me concernedly. They could cope. Yeah, well they weren't me; I'm not sure I'm me actually. I shied away from them, hunching up next to a tree. I'd been hunched up so much lately it's actually beginning to make me feel safe.

"Sophie?" Max asked tentatively.

"Leave me alone," I whined pathetically, still fighting to keep my wings pressed against my back. It just felt so, comforting. It shouldn't be any more than draping a blanket round my shoulders but it was. Instinct I guess, the White Coats literally messing with my mind. But then again, would it really be so bad? I'd wrapped my wings around me before and hadn't lost myself. I hadn't I?

I just wanted to go home. I wanted to fly away and never stop too. Maybe I had lost myself. That wasn't one of Sophie's thoughts. Or maybe it was, it was getting hard to tell. Max put her hand comfortingly on my shoulder and I shrugged it off, feeling my wing slide smoothly across my back.

"Sophie," she began but I cut her off.

"I just want to be alone," I explained, not looking up. "Just alone."

The world started to dissolve and I recognised the onset of yet another flashback. I screwed my eyes shut to try and fight it off and opened them walking through my front gate.

Home.

"Come on Soph, we'll be late!" called Kit, already fifty yards down the road and still with her school bag over one shoulder. I hurried to catch up, wondering why I was so happy about walking through my own gate.

"Do you reckon we should cut through the woods?" Kit asked when I had caught up. I realised with a sinking feeling what I was remembering. "Go through the woods," I begged silently but I wasn't in control.

"No, I want to meet with Jenny," I said, totally oblivious to my silent pleas. Why should I be, it had already happened.

Reality jumped. We were walking down the road, the path into the woods fading into the distance behind us. I was vaguely aware that I had been chatting to Kit but I don't remember what we were talking about. There was the roar of an engine behind us, I didn't even look round. Kit did. It didn't help though.

A black van squealed to a stop next to us. I begged myself to start running but I just looked at it curiously. A blacked out window rolled down but it was too shadowy to see who was in there.

"Can I help you?" Kit asked stiffly. She was at least suspicious, not like me. The rear doors of the van burst open and five guys in black suits rushed out. Kit whirled and was cracked over the head by another man getting out of the drivers seat. She crumpled, falling to the floor with a sickening thud.

I took a half step towards her when I really should have been running and whispered, "Kit." One of the men loomed over me, grinning viciously. I started running. Far too late. Something slammed into the back of my head and I collapsed, falling into blackness.

Wait. I remember nothing but darkness. So why could I see Angel?

I wrenched my eyes open, snapping back to reality to hear Max sigh, and sought out Angel. What had she been doing in my head? More importantly how was she in my head? Angel looked at me sheepishly, she knew I knew. But that was impossible, wasn't it? Actually I'm not sure impossible is a good word for anything right now.

"Sorry Sophie," a voice whispered in the back of my mind. Angel's. I wonder why I didn't realise that before. "You're going to have to forget though."

"What?" I thought back.

Angel smiled. "Forget," she mouthed. I looked at her confused, actually why was I looking at her? Max was the one that was talking.

"We just want to help," Max said squatting down next to me.

"I need to be alone," I said again, barely above a whisper.

"Okay." Max stood up with another sigh. "Let's go get some food," she said to the assembled kids who brightened a bit. So I was dampening the mood. I think I'm justified.

"Sure you don't want to come? Max asked me as they started to leave the clearing.

"Yes," I murmured, not looking at her, just staring at my knees.

"Okay." They left, leaving me alone.

I played with the feather attached to my gown. I'm quite amazed that it's still hanging in there, a lot has happened since I escaped. At any other time I would have considered it beautiful; I would have put it in one of those nature scrapbooks of pretty stuff you find in the forest because I'm sappy like that. But it was my feather, I'd grown it. It was long, yellow, hideous, human feather.

I went to throw it away in disgust and started, seeing Fang sitting opposite me regarding me impassively. I thought they'd all gone.

"I stayed to make sure you're alright," he explained. Just before I asked why he was there. I wonder if he can read minds too. "Too?"

"You mean so I don't kill myself," I shot back. He just shrugged, as if saying 'have it you're way'.

"I'm not going to kill myself," I exclaimed angrily, really annoyed by him being so nonchalant.

"You could have fooled me," he said calmly. Were we even talking about the same thing, how could he be so serene?

"That was different," I muttered, suppressing the urge to wrap my wings around me. He just raised an eyebrow at me. Translation: "how so?"

"It just is." The silence stretched out between us. I felt the need to fill it.

"Because when I'm in the air," I began slowly. "Flying. I can feel it taking over me. Something that wants me to fly. It just takes over and I can't even tell the difference. Do you understand?" I rushed that last part. He had to understand, he had wings, he could help.

Fang shook his head. "Sorry, I don't."

I looked back down, staring dejectedly at my knees. Of course he couldn't, that would just be too easy, I was losing myself and I couldn't do a thing to stop it.

"I can't lose myself," I whispered, fully aware that actually, I was talking to myself. "It's all I have left."

"How do you cope?" I asked suddenly. "All there is Erasers, running and sick scientists. How do you cope?"

Fang appeared to consider this, though you'd need a microscope to see his expression change. "I'm alive," he said after a moments pause. "I'm free. I have M… my flock. That's all I really need. Everything else may be nice but I don't need it." I didn't know how to respond to that. He was in exactly the same situation and he wasn't moping. The silence stretched between us. Again.

"Most people would give everything to fly," Fang said conversationally, breaking the silence. I just looked at him, I had been given everything and it wasn't worth it. Fang changed tack. "Just because you have wings doesn't mean you aren't human," he pointed out.

"I'm not though," I replied softly. "It wasn't just the wings; they changed everything, my bones, my eyes, my brain, even my hair. They made me Fly, I'm barely me anymore."

"If you're enough yourself to think that you're losing your mind then you haven't," Fang said after a moment. "The White Coats can do whatever they like but they can't change who you are. The only way you're going to lose yourself is by giving up. You're still you."

"No, I'm not," I said sadly. "I have wings and Sophie doesn't have wings. I can't be Sophie and fly. And if I'm not Sophie then I can't be anything but Fly."

"Why can't you be you and fly?" Fang asked.

"Sophie doesn't have wings."

"You are Sophie and you have wings. What is it scares you so much about flying?"

"I'll lose myself."

"You don't know that."

"I do. It took over and wanted me to fly."

"Maybe you just enjoyed it."

"I can't fly."

"You can, and you fly very well."

"Sophie can't fly."

"You are Sophie and you can fly. You won't lose yourself."

"I will."

"You won't. You may even like it."

"It'll destroy me."

"It won't. The only person that can do that is you."

"I…" I began but stopped. I had been hadn't I? Destroying myself. I'm not Sophie, and I haven't been for nearly a month now. It's probably time to face that, I can't fight it anyway, and it hurts too much to still think of myself as a normal girl when I'm so obviously not. I'm not their lab rat though. I'm not Fly. They gave me wings, but they're mine now. I'm still me. Still Sophie. Feathers and all.

It took me long enough to realise that didn't it?

My head whipped round as I heard something crashing through the woods towards us. Fang leapt to his feet eyeing the surrounding trees looking faintly anxious, which I'm taking to mean really, really worried.

"Just promise me one thing Sophie," he said as the crashing drew nearer.

"Yeah," I said softly getting to my feet.

"Don't give up."