Thought it best to put the author's note at the beginning of this chapter...
This was quite possibly one of the hardest things I've had to write - definitely the hardest for this story - but I knew that it would need to be written as it is a big part of Lucas' story.
The reason why this was so hard to write is because it hits so incredibly close to home. A year ago today, I lost my little brother. He was in a car accident and died after three long, difficult weeks in a coma. He was only 20 and several years younger than me (I'm the oldest of 4). Writing this chapter took me back, even though I initially wrote it a few weeks ago and only did some minor touch ups between then and now. I had to stop a few times. Didn't help that I tend to put on specific playlists for whatever I'm writing to help set the mood and get into the frame of mind I need to be in to best portray whatever it is I'm writing. For this one it was a pretty heartbreaking song called "Unsteady" by X Ambassadors and then "Change It All" by Harrison Storm. Listen to it while reading if you want, but be forewarned, you may end up ugly crying like I was a few times.
No, this is not exactly what happened to him, but I can definitely say that I did draw on personal experience in writing how Lucas has coped, reacted and changed as a person. Hey, write what you know and all...
Anyway, I just wanted to give folks a fair warning. This may be a difficult chapter to read, especially for those who struggle with dealing with loss.
April always was a tough month for Lucas. Especially the second week. Hugo had urged him to take it off and let the assistant coaches run things, but with matches every week and the end of the season approaching, it wasn't really feasible.
Even if it was for that.
So after the Arrows had finished their match against the Pride, he had begged out of the after party despite their win and gone home. It was the one night out of the year that he was seriously tempted to drink. And he didn't trust himself alone. Which is why Hugo showed up shortly after he got there. Lucas was already standing in front of the fireplace, looking up at the photo of Mara that hung over the mantle.
"Good match today," Hugo said walking into the living room. Lucas nodded still staring at the photo. "She would be proud of you, you know." Lucas sighed.
"Perhaps," he said.
"She would. In less than two years, you went from assistant coach to having your own team. And now that team is just a few wins from making the playoffs for the first time in 10 years. More than that, you got yourself sober... put your life back together," Hugo said.
"I would trade it all to have her back," Lucas said.
"I know you would…"
Lucas closed his eyes as the memories came rushing back. He couldn't stop himself. Not tonight.
Lucas sat on the sofa in his living room, numb. He breathed heavily as he stared at the floor in front of him, a half empty glass in his hand.
She was gone. This couldn't be real. It had to be some sort of bad dream. He would wake up and she would come running into the apartment, yelling at him about something.
But... it wasn't a dream. He had seen so with his own eyes.
No more would he hear her bright laughter or her silly jokes. No more would she force feed him when he was sick or warn him of being a player. As soon as he got word of the accident, he immediately apparated to the hospital in Stockholm from the Nordic team compound in Copenhagen. Hugo had been with him at the time and said he would tell the coach what had happened before meeting him later at his apartment.
He had run through the halls until he saw his mother collapsed in his father's arms, sobbing. He looked up at his older brother Erik, who was leaning against the wall, a dull look in his blue eyes. His own father was staring at the floor, still in shock. Lucas looked at the closed door and started walking towards it.
"Don't Lucas…" Erik said softly. "That's not her... That's not our Mara... She's gone." Lucas looked at him and shook his head. He needed to see her. He wouldn't believe that she was truly gone until he did. He walked to the door and pushed it open. The room was quiet. On the bed lay a still figure covered in a sheet. He slowly stepped over to it, breathing heavily. He could hear his blood pounding through his head. He stood at the bedside a few moments, willing himself to pull the sheet down as the tears streaked down his face. Slowly, he reached up and grabbed the end of it, slowly pulling it down until it reached her shoulders.
She was still, her eyes closed as though she were asleep. But her pale skin was covered in cuts and bruises - her blonde hair matted with blood. Lucas took a deep breath. A sob broke loose.
"Mara," he gasped.
"It was a car accident… she had been out with her friends in the non-magical part of Stockholm… the police think the driver was drunk… he had been swerving... They didn't see it coming... she was… it happened on impact… they say there was no pain… they are still looking for him..."
"No… no…" he murmured. He looked down at her. The spark was gone and a deep void filled him. Just this morning she had sent him an owl saying she and their father planned to come to the first World Cup match he played in. She couldn't be gone. It wasn't fair. He was the older brother… he should be the one to go first. And only when they were all old and gray - dozens of grandchildren among the three of them. Not his little sister who had everything ahead of her. A strangled sob escaped his lips. Lucas felt like he couldn't breath. All he wanted to do was shout and throw things.
But he had to keep it together. His family was just outside. He didn't want them to see him like this. He had to stay strong for them. Lucas took a deep breath, then bent down and gently kissed her forehead.
"Goodbye, Mara," he whispered. He then covered her up and turned, walking back into the hallway. He looked at his parents and brother again. His mother looked up at him, leaving her husband's arms and grabbing onto Lucas.
"Not my little girl. Not my baby girl," she murmured over and over. Lucas held his mother, his own tears still coursing down his cheeks. He met his brother's eyes.
"We'll need to make arrangements," Erik said softly.
"She's been dead an hour and you're already thinking about arrangements," Lucas said.
"We… I'll take care of it," he said, stepping away and walking down the hall, running his hands through his hair. Lucas' mother looked up at him.
"Oh, my sweet son," she said. She then collapsed into his arms again, sobbing.
He had been able to get away and made his way back to his apartment, knowing he wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer. It felt dead and empty without her presence. Mara didn't officially live with him, but she was there enough that she might as well have. He had poured a glass of vodka and sat on the sofa, not bothering to turn the lights on.
"Lucas!" Hugo said, walking in. Lucas looked at his friend, his face calm but his eyes silently conveying the storm of emotions running through him. Hugo waved his wand and the apartment filled with light.
"She's gone," Lucas said. He looked back at the floor. "She's… gone." Hugo walked over and sat on the loveseat.
"What happened?" he asked softly.
"Car accident… hit and run… they think the driver was drunk," he said flatly.
"Lucas… I'm so sorry," Hugo said.
"How… how could it be her? It shouldn't be her," Lucas murmured. He looked up at Hugo. He stood and threw his glass to the floor, letting it shatter as he let out a primitive yell. He ran his hands through his hair. "IT SHOULDN'T BE HER!" he shouted.
Hugo watched as his friend began pacing.
"She had everything… everything ahead of her!" Lucas shouted. "She was… she was going to be someone… she was… she could have been the top seeker… the World Cup… she…" he broke down into sobs and collapsed on the sofa, burying his head in his hands. "She was too young… and I wasn't there…"
"Lucas… there's nothing you could have done," Hugo said softly. "It was a freak accident." Lucas looked up at him, his eyes wild.
"I could have done something!" he shouted. "If I had been there… I could have…" His sobs overtook him again. "This is not how it was supposed to go… She can't be gone..."
A week later, Lucas stood next to his brother and parents in the small country church where they arranged to have the funeral. It was near a cabin the family owned. While growing up, they would spend the summers there. It was one of Mara's favorite places and therefore made sense that she would be buried there. Lucas stood in his black suit staring at the coffin at the front of the church that was covered in white lilies. It was his turn to lay flowers on the casket and he slowly stepped out into the aisle, grasping the bouquet of yellow and orange tulips. They would stand out against the more traditional white flowers, but he had insisted. They were Mara's favorite.
He slowly made his way up to the coffin, glancing over to the side where a large photo of Mara stood on an easel. She was standing with her broom in her team uniform. It had been taken just after she made the Stockholm Wolverines. The wind blew through her long, white blonde hair as she laughed and grinned. A single tear trekked down his cheek as he looked at the coffin. He took a deep breath and placed the bouquet on top. He closed his eyes, almost hearing her laugh. Bowing his head slightly, his shoulders started to shake from the silent sobs wracking his body.
His little sister was lying in that coffin covered in beautiful flowers, in her quidditch uniform. His strong, courageous little sister would never wake up again. It wasn't fair. He took a deep breath, composing himself and then stepped back, opening his eyes. He turned and walked back to his place, barely registering what was being said. He should have been paying attention because he was supposed to speak. It wasn't until his mother nudged him that he realized it was his turn. He stood and walked to the podium, pulling out a piece of parchment and unfolding it. He took a deep breath, looking over at the coffin and then back at the paper in front of him.
"Mara Ingrid Nilsson was born March 5, 2000," he said. He glanced up and looked around the church, seeing the faces of her teammates and friends. His teammates. Her schoolmates. Even Lief Hagen was seated next to the rest of her old house team, a morose look on his face. Mara would be laughing at that. "She left this world on April 15, 2018..." He took a deep breath, the words he had written becoming blurred as tears filled his eyes.
"Mara was... one of a kind. She was headstrong, stubborn and could hex like no one else," he said, crumpling the paper up as soft laughter teetered throughout the church. "She... wanted nothing more than to play quidditch for the Wolverines and to play at the World Cup. She accomplished one of those things, and... I've no doubt that had she been given more time, she would have accomplished the other."
"She was a good friend. A strong quidditch player. My little sister... she would force feed me tea when I got sick and send howlers to my coach whenever he let me practice with a cold or the flu. She was... amazing... in every way. And I know that I won't be the only one who misses her bright presence," Lucas said. He looked over at the coffin again.
"The world will not be the same without her... Sometimes, I wonder just how anyone of us are... supposed to move on without her... but... she wouldn't want us to wallow," he said. He looked to the crowd. "She would want us to remember her... but to live life as she did. To the fullest. With no regrets. Even if some days that may seem impossible. She will be missed and nothing can replace her... But we have to try. For Mara." Lucas looked down and put the parchment in his pocket then stepped away from the podium.
Lucas, his brother and a few of Mara's teammates stepped up and picked up the coffin, careful not to disturb the many flowers lain on top. They walked through the silent church, carrying it out to the graveyard where she would be laid to rest. The many people inside the church followed - many crying softly. They placed it on the spot that had been cleared out the day before and stepped back.
Lucas didn't register anything that was said at the graveside. It wasn't until he was finished and people came up to hug his family that he even realized that the service was over.
He heard the various murmurs of people speaking to his parents and brother. He didn't say anything or even attempt to listen, instead staring at the coffin.
She was gone. And nothing would bring her back.
Lucas took a deep breath as Hugo returned to the living room, two mugs of tea in hand. He handed one to Lucas and sat next to him on the sofa.
"You really should start some new tradition to honor her. This is depressing," he said. "Sitting here all night staring at her photo."
"You don't have to be here," Lucas said, taking a sip. Hugo chuckled.
"Mara would slap you and you know it," Hugo said. "She had too much energy and light. She would be offended that you spend the anniversary this way." Lucas took a deep breath and nodded, a slight smile on his face.
"She would," he said finally. "She'd want a party or something to celebrate her... not all of us moping around. Perhaps I should set off fireworks." Hugo chuckled.
"Oh, she would like that tremendously," he said. "Luckily for you, I brought some." He stood and walked over to his bag, pulling out several packages with 'W' on them. "That Weasley… he knows what he's doing when it comes to fireworks."
"When did you get those?" Lucas asked, standing.
"Right after the game. To be honest, I was walking by the store and went in on a bit of a whim," he said. "I wasn't sure what drove me to go in, but when I saw the display, I knew I had to get them." Lucas smiled.
"Let's go out back," he said, putting the mug on the table. The two men moved to the back garden and spread the various fireworks on the table, studying them.
"Which should we try first?" Lucas asked. He picked one up, unsure of what it did.
"I don't know… I got all sorts," Hugo responded. "One of the Weasleys said you just need to hit them with a stunning spell."
"Older or younger one?" Lucas asked. Hugo shrugged.
"I don't know, they all look the same to me," he replied. Lucas nodded before walking over a safe distance away and set the firework up, then walked back to Hugo. He pulled his wand out and aimed it.
"Stupefy," he said. The spell shot over and landed on the firework, causing it to explode in a cacophony of color and noise. Lucas stepped back, his eyes going wide. The firework shot straight up into the air, whizzing around the night sky. Lucas found himself smiling as it zoomed this way and that. Hugo walked over and set up another, then walked back and shot a stunning spell at it.
A giant wolverine exploded into the sky and began chasing the previous one. The two men grinned, watching the show.
"She would love this," Lucas said as tears pricked at his eyes.
"She would…" Hugo replied, walking over to set up more fireworks. Soon there were several zooming around the sky over the back garden.
"I miss her… every day," Lucas said. "It… gets easier to manage, but I still wish she were here."
"All you can do is continue to move forward," Hugo said, glancing at his friend. Lucas nodded. "Maybe it's time to consider dating again…" Lucas scoffed.
"I'm not sure if I'm ready for that," he said, still watching the sky.
"Seriously, Lucas… it won't do to continue to pine for the little pixie. And it's been years now…" Hugo said. Lucas chuckled.
"I'm not the ladies man I used to be," he said, glancing at his friend.
"I'm not saying you should go back to that… just consider trying to date someone. I could set you up," Hugo replied. Lucas sighed.
"I'll think about it. For now, let's just enjoy the show."
twilightlover427: Yep, he does. But I think showing where he started helps show how far he's come since then... Makes the last four chapters a bit happier...