Lost Souls

Chapter Nine

Catherine stared at Loki in a mixture of shock, confusion and growing elation. Her chest rose and fell quickly as she struggled to comprehend just what it was she was seeing. She narrowed her eyes, her eyes searching questioning his, desperate for answers. How could Loki be here? Loki was dead… She looked him up and down as though unsure she was actually seeing him. She swallowed hard. This had to be some awful realistic dream right? Surely she was dreaming. There was no way Loki could be here, he'd fallen into the wormhole, it should have killed him. Like it should have killed you, a small voice spoke in the back of her mind, and yet you're here alive and well now.

Her face fell as she watched him warily from the bed. Could it really be possible that he was alive? He'd not been killed, just… fallen to Midgard? Was any of this really real and happening or was she hallucinating? Was she really just looking at an ordinary human and seeing what she wanted to see?

"L-Loki…?" she asked in a small voice. "Is that you?"

Loki was looking down at her, disbelief in his own eyes. He approached her bed slowly. Catherine shrunk back a little as though afraid of him. She couldn't get her hopes up, not until she knew for sure if it was really Loki. A few moments of silence passed between them before Loki spoke.

"Yes, of course it's me," he spoke gently and moved closer to the bed. "Catherine, I-I can't believe you're here. When the others told me-" he began but Catherine shrank back.

"This is Midgard right?" she asked cutting him off. He looked taken aback but nodded.

"Yes-" he began but she cut him off again.

"So you're alive," she pressed on. "So you survived the fall and ended up here."

Loki stared at her solemnly and cautiously before nodding slowly. "Yes, I found my way here."

Catherine swung her legs out of bed and rested her hands on her knees. A torrent of powerful emotions hit her like a tidal wave, fast and completely crushing her from the inside. Loki was alive and he was well. He wasn't dead; he was alive, real and right in front of her. All those nights of crying because he had been killed were for nought. He was alive and standing so close that it was only a short walk before she could touch him. Yet part of her couldn't bring herself to.

She had mourned him for two years of her life, convinced he was dead and resigned herself to never seeing him again. Had she not tried to commit suicide, she doubted she ever would have either. There had been no sign of him, no indication that he had been alive. For all intents and purposes, he had been dead to Asgard. She let out a shuddering breath as a horrible realisation hit her. Loki could have tried to contact Asgard if he'd wanted to. He was powerful enough. If he'd really wanted to come home, he could have. But instead there wasn't a trace of him. So what did that tell her?

"Catherine…" she heard him say and looked around seeing him come closer to her side of the bed. "Catherine, I can't believe you're here." He spoke quietly and gently to her as he approached.

Complex emotions stirred in Catherine as she looked at him in disbelief. Rage and relief, love and anger, hurt and comfort, they all raged on in her heart battling for dominance and she had no idea what to say, what to feel or what to do in this situation. She looked up at him as he came closer and she scooted back onto the bed, backing away from him with a troubled expression. He stopped his movements looking at her with confusion.

"Catherine, it is me, it is Loki…" he began.

"I know," she said watching him. "I just…" She stopped herself. What should she do? Half of her wanted to throttle Loki and the other half just wanted to take him in her arms and hold him close. Yet she suspected neither of those things would really help her. Taking deep steady breaths she got off the bed and cautiously walked around it to slowly approach him. He stayed still, watching her, letting her come to him.

Her hand swung round and met his face with such force and speed that he didn't see it coming until he stumbled backwards several steps. He held his cheek in shock and turned his face to look at her.

Catherine looked thunderous. "How dare you, how dare you, you lying bastard!?" she shouted at him. "You let us believe you were dead for two years, not a word, not one sign that you might be still alive!" she growled at him. She could feel her anger warming up her blood, making it boil, giving her the strength she needed.

Loki's eyes widened a fraction. "Two years?"

"Two long years," Catherine said; her mouth quivering slightly before she sucked in a breath. "I take it you wanted us to think you were dead? I mean you weren't on good terms with Thor and Odin. Why not punish them some more by letting them believe they'd lost you for good? What about Frigga? Your mother? She did nothing to you and she had to spend two years grieving for a son who wasn't even dead!" Catherine's voice grew louder as her anger erupted.

Loki took several steps towards her. "I care not what Odin and Thor think of me. They're not my family and neither is Frigga, no matter how well she treated me. Her grief is regrettable but I cannot change that."

"What about me?!" Catherine screamed. Tears sprung to her eyes but she forced them back. "You didn't think I'd be worried about you? You didn't think I would grieve for you? You didn't think I'd spend the next two years trying to pick up the pieces of a broken heart!"

Loki's eyes softened a little. "Catherine, listen to me-"

"No, no," Catherine took a step back. "Why should I? You made yourself perfectly clear when you let go of my hand. You made yourself undeniably understood when you didn't give me a sign that you were alive. You let me fall into a pit of despair and you could have done something about it. But you didn't. So, I guess I know now how you really feel about me. Because when you love someone, you don't let them think you're dead and leave them to deal with it." Catherine felt the tears trickle down her cheeks. "So now I know you never loved me."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" Loki roared. He marched up to Catherine and took her by the elbows. "That has never been true and it never will be true, just listen to me!"

Catherine shook in his arms as she looked up into his fiery emerald eyes, the eyes that she had come to love and cherish and miss with all her heart. She looked up at him reluctantly ready to listen.

"You are the only person that I do love, Catherine," he said darkly. "You're the only person who I would willingly and have already given my heart. You mean more to me than my own family. Than anything else in this universe! That is no lie!" he snapped looking at her fiercely.

"Then why did you let go of my hand?" Catherine asked quietly. Loki's gaze softened and he brought his hand up to her face and stared into her eyes. Catherine knew she should pull away from him but something kept her still and patiently watching Loki's face.

"Because I couldn't bear to live in Asgard, with the shame that Odin would have thrust upon me. A defeated King, reduced to being the lowly Prince that everyone overlooks for Thor. I couldn't do that again, not after being a King. I couldn't bear the thought of you pitying me." Loki said firmly. "I did not enjoy leaving you, Catherine, you were the only person that mattered to me but I couldn't stay."

Catherine's tears were soaking her cheeks and she felt Loki's hand wipe some away from her eyes as his other hand moved to cup her face. She frowned deeply as she looked up at him. "I would never have pitied you. You could have tried to contact me, let me know you were alright. I could have tried to find you."

Loki pulled back from her. "I couldn't take the risk."

Catherine scoffed. "You mean I wasn't worth it."

Loki looked at her angrily. "That is not true. Stop twisting my words."

Catherine turned and sat on the bed. "It's true. If I was worth the risk you'd have kept hold of my hand or you'd have tried to contact me. You didn't so I know how much our relationship meant to you and don't pretend otherwise."

Loki moved so he was standing in front of her angrily. "Are you so determined to twist everything I say? My decision to fall into that wormhole had nothing to do with you."

"But if I had really meant something to you, you would have stayed," Catherine said.

"You do mean something to me, more than something, you mean everything," Loki said looking down at her. "Being apart from you, not knowing how you were, it was torture."

Catherine glanced at the door gesturing to the place outside. "I don't know about that. You seem to be busy with the humans from what I could tell and the Tesseract."

Loki gave her a frown before turning away and pacing the room. "I had to keep myself occupied. If I couldn't have Asgard, I didn't see why I shouldn't take Midgard as recompense for the wrongs did to me on Asgard. I was the rightful heir and they overthrew me so Midgard will do for my kingdom."

Catherine brought a hand to her head and rubbed it. Her headache was returning. "You know what, Loki, I'm past caring what your plans are for this planet. I never cared if you were a King or a Prince. I only ever cared… I only ever loved you for you."

"And I love you for you," Loki said approaching her slowly. "But if I had contacted you, Odin would have traced it and stopped my plans. I would have been jailed and we would have been separated anyway. I thought perhaps it was better for you to believe me dead too even if I didn't wish it."

Catherine's face crumpled. "You make it sound so noble but you of all people should know what it feels like when part of your life is a lie. Two years I'll never get back because of the grief and the pain and the constant anger." She sobbed as she spoke.

Loki walked forwards and took her arms again. "I'm so sorry, Catherine but it had to be done. You make the assumption that I would have been able to contact you anyway even if I'd been prepared to. The boundaries between worlds are powerful."

"So are you," said Catherine. "The fact is that I don't think I'm as important to you as you are to me. You're my everything but if the same were true vice versa then we would have faced things together and not apart. I would have run away with you if it meant we were together but instead you just gave up on me, on us… on yourself."

Loki's hands slid to her waist and he pulled her closer. "There's no guarantee we could have got away together."

"Life doesn't do guarantees," Catherine snapped. "At least I would have known you loved me enough to fight for us."

"I do love you!" Loki erupted in frustration. "I love you, Catherine, how many times! You are as important to me as I am to you! Don't pretend otherwise! Two years of your life, it's not much compared to eternity which now you're here, we have!"

"It's not just the two years…" Catherine wept. "Losing you nearly destroyed me. In fact the only reason I'm here is because I wanted it to."

Loki narrowed his eyes in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I threw myself off the Rainbow Bridge," Catherine said simply.

Loki stared at her in horror. "W-why would you do that? Why would you want to die?"

Catherine looked down. "You were dead. I couldn't see a way out of the pain and the grief. I couldn't take any more life without you. I knew I'd never love again and it seemed such a cold and pointless existence that I just wanted to die too and be with you." Loki was stood there completely stunned. Catherine shrugged his hands away from her and moved away from him.

"Believe me, Loki, I want to believe you love me, I do…" Catherine began. "Because I know, no matter what I may think of your feelings, it doesn't change mine. I love you more than life itself."

Loki turned and walked up behind her, wrapping his arms around her. "Please, believe me, Catherine. I do love you so much. I'm sorry if you ever thought I'd give up on you or that you weren't worth fighting for. But I paid the price; I thought I'd never see you again. Giving you up was the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

Tears stole down Catherine's face again. Catherine turned around in his arms and looked up at him.

"You don't even know the half of what happened whilst you were assumed dead. I just can't believe you're here in front of me, and I don't know what to do because it doesn't feel real." Loki wrapped his arms around her even more, a hand coming up to stroke her hair and another stroking her back.

"It is real, Catherine, I'm here, I'm real…" Loki whispered. "If you'd let me in, you'd see that."

"I can't just forget the past two years just like that," Catherine murmured staring up into his face. "There are some scars even loving words can't erase."

"I'm not asking you to forget them; just believe me when I say I love you." Loki whispered.

"I can't just take your word for it anymore," said Catherine sadly. "Not after what happened on that bridge. I need you to prove you love me."

"How?" Loki demanded. "How do you want me to do that?"

"Over time," Catherine said wiping tears from her eyes. "I can't be parted from you again but I won't let you lead me into falsehoods."

"I never lead you into falsehoods," Loki argued. "I may have left you believing that I didn't care which was not true in the slightest but I did not lie to you." He brought his hands to her face. "But yes, I will spend eternity proving my love for you if it will make you believe me."

Catherine looked up at him with a sad smile. "Do you promise?" she asked quietly.

He leant in so their noses were touching. "I swear it," he murmured as he wiped her tears away. He could feel her breath on his face and she could feel his on hers. They stood there intimately wrapped up in each other, staring at the other, drinking in their presence. His hands moved away from her face stroked her back and hair whilst hers wandered up to his chest. "Kiss me…" he murmured. Catherine looked up at him, releasing a shaky breath as she did so. He let out a deep sigh at the feel of her breath on his lips. "Kiss me… Catherine, please kiss me."

Catherine stared up at him. He was her Loki still. Despite what he had put her through, he was her Loki and she loved him. She knew he had a way to go to prove his love but all the tenderness in his voice proclaimed it anyway. For once, she just wanted to listen and be held by him in his embrace.

She leant up slowly and let her lips brush against his ever so gently. He leant forward insistently pressing against her lips. She let out a happy sigh and parted her lips slightly, kissing him back. His arms tightened around her and she clung to him as their kiss deepened, the love coursing between them binding them closer together than ever before. For the first time in a long while, Catherine could hear her heart beating in her ears, loud and clearer than ever before.

She slowly moved her arms up to wrap around Loki's neck and his arms encircled her waist, pulling her closer. Their kiss intensified and Catherine found herself moaning slightly in his kiss. Gods she had missed this man, for all his infuriating past misdemeanours. She felt Loki move them both back further into the room and suddenly she was being backed towards the bed. She froze as she felt his hands move to her hips and slide down her thighs.

Abruptly she pulled away, filled with a sudden coldness at the feel of him touching her thighs. She knew she didn't want this; not yet at any rate. She stepped out of Loki's grasp and he turned around to face her looking confused.

"Catherine, what's wrong?"

Catherine folded her hands in front of her. "I can't… I can't do that, not yet." She looked down and took a deep breath.

Loki frowned. "Why not?"

"I just can't… not now, not today," she murmured. She didn't want to start their sex life up again for many reasons. One of them being that trust was still and issue and whilst trust was still an issue, she didn't want to risk getting pregnant again.

Catherine's head jolted up at the thought as she realised something. "My blanket!" she said in alarm. "Where is it?" she asked before bolting out of the room and out into a large open space.

The space was occupied by many desks with computers and technical work benches. Beyond the main room Catherine recognised the black metal cage with the Tessaract inside. She made for the cage, ignoring the startled looks of people as she passed. She burst into the cage and looked around on the floor frantically. She couldn't see it. She clutched her chest as panic rose inside her. If that blanket had been lost in space, it was all she had left of her baby, then she didn't know what she would do. She heard footsteps hurrying behind her.

"Catherine, what on Midgard are you doing?" Loki demanded, following her into the cage.

"My blanket," she said turning to him. "I had a gold blanket when I jumped, where is it?" she asked, her eyes bright with alarm and anxiety.

Loki was looking at her as though she'd lost the plot. "You're getting frantic about a blanket?"

Catherine walked up to him. "You don't understand. It's important. I need to know if it's here or if it got lost…" She looked up at him with pleading eyes and for a moment he just stared back before turning to his workers.

"Anyone seen a golden blanket? It may have come through with Lady Catherine." He announced sharply. Immediately the workers started looking round for it. After a minute or two, the old man Erik walked forwards, clutching, to Catherine's relief, the blanket. As he entered the room, Catherine walked forward and took the blanket quickly.

"Thank you," she murmured. "Thank you." Once Erik had gone back to his work, she held the blanket close to her and sighed in relief.

Loki was watching her. "What value does a blanket like that have?"

Catherine turned her eyes on Loki, realising that it was time he knew the truth. She took a deep breath and gestured for him to follow her back to the room. Once he'd shut the door behind them, she turned to face him.

"It belongs to your son."