Chapter 10

Leia stared at the paper in her hands, unable to write a single word. It had been an entire month since she and her friends had saved the world (again), and another two weeks still since she'd talked to Jude. None of them had ever expected what they would have to sacrifice for their goal—no one could believe it now.

A dear friend was gone.

And now her boss wanted her to write about it. How would a person write about something like that—how COULD they? Especially so soon… And when she had cared so much about that person…

Her friends had all had their own ways to cope—Elize with her pen pal and friends at school, Rowan with his new "everything-but-name" girlfriend, Jude with his research and, she assumed, girlfriend, Alvin with his work… The list went on and on. But Leia… Leia felt stuck. She hadn't been able to write a single word since it had happened.

Sighing, Leia set her pen down and pulled out her GHS.

No Messages.

In the entire time she'd been back to work, she hadn't received a single, lousy text. She was glad that everyone was doing okay, but she was also angry. Why did they just stop talking? Were they only friends because of a mission? Did that mean, because the mission was accomplished, that they weren't friends anymore?

Is that all Alvin thought of me too?

With a frustrated groan, Leia snapped the GHS closed and stood. She couldn't handle thinking about any of it for one more moment—she could already feel a migraine coming on. Grabbing her bag and throwing her hair up in a quick ponytail, she left the office, trying to ignore her boss's disapproving glare. She knew he was unhappy with her. She didn't care.

By the time she left the building, she was surprised at how dizzy she was. It took her several minutes to figure out what was wrong, and when she did, she laughed out loud. How could a former nurse forget to eat? How many times had she done that lately…? She couldn't even remember.

I'm getting so pathetic… It's times like this that I'm glad no one's around to see me…

She could picture their reactions: Jude's exasperated concern, Alvin's grin and stupid jokes, Elize's over-the-top worry, Rowan's gentle reproach, Muzet's laughter, and Gaius's raised brow.

Great Spirits, she missed them. She missed them all so badly she couldn't stand it.

Quickly wiping the tears that had fallen off of her face, Leia rushed into the nearest restaurant before she really broke down. Even though she missed them, she didn't want to bring them down with her own issues.

She told herself that, but she also wondered if it was pride. If maybe… She didn't want to be the first to break down and call. But she sure wished they'd call HER… Even one text—she'd settle for that.

She checked her phone again—No Messages. With a sigh, she set down the gadget and picked up a menu. Even though she couldn't concentrate enough to see the words, it gave her hands something to do.

When she had gotten home the night that they'd won—if she could really call it that—she had broken down. She didn't even make it to her room. As soon as her door shut, she had slid down and burst into tears. She was pretty sure all of her neighbors had heard her sobs (especially the way they had been staring at her the following day), but she couldn't bring herself to care. It hadn't felt like a victory—it still didn't.

A phone going off interrupted Leia's thoughts and she almost fell out of her seat in her haste to snatch up her GHS.

No Messages.

It hadn't been her phone.

She looked up and watched as an old man fumbled with his own phone—it was his daughter. Apparently, his granddaughter had went into labor.

Not interested.

Picking up the menu that she had dropped, Leia went back to staring uncomprehendingly at the letters on the page. Distant chatter started to fill her ears as others around her talked to their friends and family. Someone had a job offer. Another had a test coming up. An old couple even compared their age spots (apparently they thought one particular spot looked like a small map of Hamil or something).

Not interested.

"Hello, my name is Ethan, and I'll be your waiter this afternoon. Do you know what you'd like to drink?" A new voice drew her out of her reverie.

The young man in front of her was near her age. He was cute, with freckles dotting his nose, blue eyes, and a dimple on his left cheek as he smiled at her. If she had been anyone else, she may have been excited to get the 'handsome' waiter.

"Ma'am?"

But she wasn't someone else. And she wasn't interested.

Snapping the menu shut, Leia sighed and shook her head. She couldn't do this…

"I'm sorry..." She said quietly, placing the laminated booklet on the table and gathering her things.

"M-Ma'am?" The young man tried again, startled when she rose.

"Not hungry." She mumbled as she pushed past him. Feeling a little guilty, she pushed 5 gald into his hand before turning and walking out the door.

Jude sighed and rubbed his face for the third time in the last ten minutes. He hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, and his work wasn't progressing at all. No matter what he did, he couldn't seem to figure out the spyrite technology. He could summon them, but he was still having trouble with control. He didn't want to bend them to his will, but he couldn't let them go berserk either. Every time he changed his formulas or tweaked the machine, it only seemed to make the matter worse. Still, he couldn't stop—people needed his help.

Plus, if he stopped, he'd think, and that was definitely something he didn't want to do.

He didn't want to think about Ludger, suffering in his new office, knowing that there was nothing he could have done. Even worse, knowing that someday things would be good but never knowing when—this year? Next year? Five years from now? It was no wonder Ludger was burning the candle at both ends.

Jude hadn't heard from Elize or Rowan either, other than to know that they'd returned to their every day lives. He had seen Gaius a couple of times, but it had been all business—no chit chat necessary. That was fine, though. As long as he didn't mention anything about… Her.

Milla.

Jude pulled his hair and groaned in both frustration and pain as his mind supplied him with her name. He had been trying so hard not to think about her… And he'd been doing well. In the past hour or so, at least.

"Jude?" A soft voice said from behind him, making him turn around.

"Yes, Mary?" He forced a smile.

"Maybe you should go home and rest. You have bags under your eyes." She looked away from him and pushed a strand of dark hair behind her ear, trying to ignore the blush that always seemed to appear on her face when he looked at her.

In truth, he'd looked terrible for a whole month (not that she minded any). She knew that he wasn't sleeping properly, and she suspected his diet wasn't exactly healthy either. In face, he had been at the lab before her that morning and hadn't eaten anything since then—that was 14 hours ago.

"I'm fine." He snapped, turning away from her to stare at his page of formulas again. Rethinking his hostile attitude, he stood and walked to his chair, letting out a loud sigh. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to say it like that."

"Are you thinking about… what happened at the Land Of Canaan?" She asked, pulling her own chair close to him. When he glanced up at her, startled, her blush reappeared. "I heard from Gaius last time he was here. He was worried about you."

"I'm fine." He said a second time, but his expression betrayed him.

He was certainly NOT fine. In fact, he felt like shit—especially since he HADN'T been thinking about that. He hadn't been struggling over the death—he'd been thinking about his girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend. He mentally corrected.

He had been thinking about the face that she had dumped him and then left—again.

"Jude?"

"Sorry, Mary. I just… I'm having a tough day, that's all. I'll be fine tomorrow." He chuckled softly, an entirely fake and forced laugh, and hoped beyond hope that she believed him and would let the subject drop. He hoped in vain.

"I'm not..." Mary's voice broke in frustration. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I'm not stupid, Doctor Mathis." She reverted to his official title, which was not a good sign for her. They had been getting closer—she hadn't called him that in a long time. As she turned to leave, Jude stopped her.

"I'm sorry!" He cried in alarm. "I-I didn't mean to imply..." He put his hands over his face and groaned again. "Why? Why do I always end up hurting people? I don't MEAN to hurt anyone..."

"Why won't you just talk to me? Am I not trustworthy?" She knew it sounded childish to say it, but she couldn't help it.

"I was dumped." Jude burst out, unable to contain it any longer. At least he knew she'd listen to him… "I'm not the good person that you think I am! And the fact that I wasn't thinking about the things I SHOULD be thinking about makes me feel even worse!"

"If you were such a terrible person, it wouldn't make you feel bad to think only of yourself." Mary pointed out, returning to her seat. "But I'm sorry I pointed that out… I didn't mean to make things harder on you."

"It's not your fault..." He sighed, his shoulders slumping.

"...What happened with Milla?" She asked hesitantly, praying that she didn't sound too happy.

Mary had liked Jude since he'd begun working with her almost two years before. She had given up hope when she'd seen him with the beautiful blond woman, Milla. Truly, she figured once they got together, that was it for her chances.

"How did you know that I was dating Milla?"

That made Mary laugh out loud. "You weren't exactly subtle. I found you making out in the lab at least twice!" She declared, giggling at his expression but also trying not to remember the incidents too clearly. After all, it had been a painful thing to discover.

"R-really?" He blushed an impressive shade of crimson as he remembered that Mary was not the first person to mention his lack of subtlety. "Well, I'm s-sorry about that. I didn't know that anyone else knew about us..."

"Well..." She almost said 'it's okay' but decided against it. Why lie? "Anyway… what happened?" She watched his mood darken again.

"We accomplished our mission." He said simply. "I thought she'd stay—or at least keep in contact—but… After we got home and..." He stopped, mentally censoring the first part of what happened when they arrived home. "And settled," he continued, "She just… She said, 'it's been fun.'"

"It's been fun?!" Mary repeated, appalled. "That's it?!"

"Yeah. I mean, she said she'd miss me, but… But that it was better if I just moved on. I asked if I'd see her again… But she wouldn't answer. She just smiled at me and left."

"That's… so cruel..."

"She doesn't mean to be." Even though he was hurt, he still tried to take up for Milla. "It's out of necessity. She had to go—I knew that before we even… But I guess I forgot. Or maybe I believed that we could change it, if we sorted out the issue with Origin..." He paused, knowing the next words out of his mouth would hurt him more than the rest of his story. "I think that's one of the main reasons I started doing this research. I thought if I could fix the mana problem… She'd stay."

"So… It wasn't to help people?"

"No, it was!" Jude amended quickly, afraid of Mary leaving before hearing the rest of what he had to say. "It was, but… I also hoped that by helping others with the lack of mana, that I could help her too. That I could..." He couldn't find the words to continue.

He had hoped she could remake her body—like she had when the trouble with Origin and Chronos had started. He had thought… that maybe she'd want to keep and be with him. It was selfish, he knew, but… He had hoped anyway. After all, it couldn't be considered selfish if he had fixed the problem first, could it?

But he hadn't. It seemed like every turn he took, every formula he made, ever option he took… had failed. And now… Now he had to face the truth.

Milla would never stay with him. Maybe she loved him—maybe she didn't—but it didn't matter. She wasn't human like him. Not anymore. She had a larger role to play.

But Jude? He was just a scientist. Just a doctor.

Just a human.

All his hard work, all his accomplishments… They didn't mean anything when compared to the Great Spirits. He would never be enough. Even if he perfected Spyrite technology, it wouldn't matter—not where Milla was concerned.

He had been fooling himself.

Mary watched his self revelation in silence, struggling not to cry with him as tears ran down his face. She really liked Jude… She didn't want this for him.

So how can I help him?

Leia woke up in the middle of the night feeling numb. She could barely remember her walk home, but she must have went straight to bed.

Reaching over to her nightstand, she grabbed her GHS and looked at the screen.

3:23 AM.

And No Messages.

Rolling her eyes in disgust, she climbed out of bed. She ached all over and her muscles felt like lead, but she couldn't stand lying in bed anymore. She had gotten a few hours of sleep—good enough. Slipping on a pair of yoga pants and a tank top as she headed towards the door, she wondered what exactly she could do at this time of night—the whole city pretty much shut down by midnight. She finally decided on a run as she exited her apartment complex.

Ignoring her muscles protests, she took off at a fast jog, trying to outrun the thoughts racing in her head.

She was lonely—terribly, horrifyingly lonely. When she was younger, her mom and dad would always be there, but she was in a different city now—in a different world. She briefly wondered if she should go home but quickly dismissed the idea. She'd never live down the shame of coming home as… Nothing. She had been through so much… She couldn't bear to go back anything but proud.

Perhaps that was her problem—pride. It's why she hadn't confronted Jude, she realized. Her pride had been shattered whens he'd seen him with Milla—especially since she had thought that her rival was gone.

Was pride the reason she couldn't eat or sleep anymore? Was it the reason she wasn't interested in her job? Was it the reason she couldn't bear to be the first to call her friends?

That just… didn't seem quite right. It was true that some of the problems she was dealing with started with pride, but she didn't think it was to blame for everything. There was an unnamed something that was affecting her—that was drowning her. She didn't know what it was, but it made even breathing painful.

It made her stomach feel like it was full of lukewarm water when she went to eat—sapped away her hunger and her will. It made her choke on her own words, her mouth going dry and cottony, when she tried to speak. It made her heart pound unnaturally, waking her up at night. Come to think of it, what the 'unnamed something' was, it was even starting to make her forget things—like how she got home, or how she spent her day, or what she wanted to do each evening.

She felt like… She no longer knew who Leia was. What had started on month ago as sadness and loneliness and regret had morphed into something truly terrifying… And she was too… afraid to ask for help.

Leia stopped running, surprised at that thought. But it was true, wasn't it?

She was afraid.

How could she ask for help again? Alvin must be positively SICK of helping her at this point. Gaius was too busy with his work, Elize would stop talking to her for being so stupid, and Rowan… He must think of her as a spoiled child. And Jude? Jude was too busy with Milla to even realize that she was struggling.

That she was suffocating.

Leia didn't realize that she was hyperventilating; she just realized that she was suddenly very dizzy and her heart was pounding in that off-beat way again.

She had no one to go to anymore. She was so weak and pathetic that no one wanted her anymore. That was why no one called or texted. It was all starting to make sense…

Her vision was starting to darken at the corners and a slight hum was in her ears. Sobbing, her knees gave out and she fell on her bottom, her arms shooting behind her to hold her up—she didn't even feel any of it. In fact, she was so preoccupied with her mental breakdown that she hadn't even realized that she fell. She didn't think much about it as she allowed herself to lay back and stare at the sky.

Her parents would be so disappointed to see her like this… She didn't know what was worse, her parents' shame or Alvin's disdain.

Was he with someone right now? By now, he probably had a girlfriend of his own. Would he touch her with the same love and awe that she had seen in Jude as he touched Milla? Would this unknown woman bring him the same pleasure?

What do you think of Alvin?

Leia remembered Rowan asking that question as she gaped up at the sky, trying in vain to catch her breath—trying in vain to re-numb her heart like it had been when she'd woken up. What did she think of Alvin? The question was repeating itself, sending waves of pain through her body every time it did.

Don't… Don't be with another woman. Don't touch her. Don't touch her like that. I don't want you to…

With these final thoughts, Leia's mind shut down. The stress on her body from lack of food and proper sleep coupled with extreme anxiety was too much.

Leia blacked out in the middle of the street, without anyone awake to even notice.

It was 5:30 in the morning. Alvin had just went to sleep an hour before, so there was no way he had set an alarm for this hour… So what the hell was going off?

With a sleepy moan, he rolled over and grabbed his phone, which had been ringing almost constantly for about five minutes.

"What the FUCK do you want?" He answered, not bothering to check the caller ID. His words slurred together and held virtually no bite, regardless of what he said.

"Leia is in Trigleph Central Hospital." Gaius's no-nonsense voice cut through his stupor faster than ice water. "I thought you'd want to know."