"Kathryn."

She felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Kathryn."

It wasn't the Doctor's voice. It was…

"No!" she cried and moved her shoulder away from the hand.

"Kathryn!"

"NO!"

"Kathryn, wake up!"

With a jolt she sat up. She was breathing heavily and her body was covered with sweat. "Where am I?" she said breathless and looked frightened around. "What…?"

"You had a nightmare," Chakotay said from her side, watching her concerned.

Terrified she looked at him, unconsciously putting her hand on her chest, as she began to remember her dream.

"Are you okay?" she asked when her breath slowed down a little.

He smiled a dimpled smile. "I wanted to ask you the same question."

"Answer me."

"Yes, Kathryn, I am okay," he assured her.

She nodded slowly and her hand reached out to touch his face. Warm. Alive.

"Where did you get this from?" She pointed at a mark on his cheek.

"You hit me," he touched his cheek. "It must have been a horrible dream."

"It was. But it's over now."

He nodded. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," she smiled faintly. "We better get back to sleep," she suggested and turned around. He laid down behind her and pulled his arms around her body.

"Sleep well," he whispered and kissed her hair.

As his breath slowed down she laid very still, her eyes wide and filled with tears and she knew sleep wouldn't come to her, no matter how tight he was holding her.

=/\=

"Deck one," Kathryn ordered.

"Computer, belay that order. Deck three."

Kathryn faced Chakotay and raised an eyebrow. "You can't do that. I outrank you. Computer, deck one."

"Deck three," Chakotay ordered as if she hadn't spoken. The turbolift stopped at deck three and he took her arm and guided her into their quarters without further explanation.

Angrily she pulled her arm away from his grasp. "Could you explain…?"

"What's wrong with you, Kathryn?" he interrupted her shortly.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. You changed our course."

"I had my reasons," she said and turned away.

"Would you tell me your reasons?"

"I don't have to debate this with you, Commander."

He grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. "Something is wrong with you. Something personal, so don't pull rank on me."

"It's nothing," she replied, glaring at him.

"Then why did you change our course? We wanted to enter the former Demilitarized Zone this afternoon and now we're heading in the wrong direction," he said and his eyes bore into hers but she remained quiet. "You know I wanted to show you Dorvan and that a lot of our Maquis crew members wanted to visit their families. If you won't explain it to me, would you explain it to them?"

She felt tears welling up and hating herself for it, she bit her lip so hard that it started bleeding.

"Kathryn," Chakotay said now in a soft, gentle tone. "Talk to me. Please."

Standing a little lost in the middle of the room, she let him guide her to the coffee table where they sat down side by side.

"Tell me what's on your mind. Let me help you."

She groaned quietly, rubbing her face with both hands, and he knew she was debating with herself whether she should tell him the truth or not.

Finally she faced him. "It's about my dream."

"The dream you had last night?"

"Yes. I dreamed…" She looked away for a second. "In my dream… you died." His mouth opened but before he could reply she went on. "It was… horrible, devastating. I felt broken."

He took her hand in silent support, caressing it soothingly. "Was there more in that dream?"

"Yes."

"Can you remember it?"

She frowned. "Yes."

"Please tell me. Maybe we find a logical reason for it."

She was surprised by his suggestion but told him presently about how they entered the DMZ, the Cardassian warship, how the Maquis were captured and his death.

"That's why you changed our course away from the border," he said in understanding.

She nodded sheepishly. "I know it's crazy but I couldn't help myself."

"It's okay. It obviously rattled you deeply."

"It did," she sighed. "It was so vivid, I really thought it was real."

"But it wasn't."

"I know. Of course I know, though I can't shake off the feeling that something terrible is about to happen."

"When did that feeling arise?"

"When the ship disappeared."

"What did you feel in that moment?"

"I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do, nothing I did helped. My efforts were…" Shocked, she raised her eyes to his. "Meaningless. My efforts were meaningless. That's what Tuvok said too. My efforts are meaningless."

She rose and began to pace through the room.

"What did it do to you when he said that?"

"I couldn't think clearly. It was like a shock. Everything fell apart."

"Do you know why these words had such an impact on you?"

"No, but I heard them before."

"Where?"

"On the planet of the Nechani."

"Where you went through that ritual to save Kes life?"

She nodded. "During that ritual my guide told me everything I went through was meaningless. To hear those words was like a blow…"

"Because you wanted to save Kes life so badly."

"Yes." She stopped, thinking. "But somehow, afterwards, when I was able to process what I was just gone through, I thought there was more; something between the lines."

"And now you hear these words again…"

"In a nightmare…"

"Maybe there is more…"

"Maybe."

"Maybe your subconscious wants to tell you something."

"And what would that be?" she asked irritated, putting her hands on her hips.

He smiled at her clearly visible annoyance. "How should I know, it's your head," he shrugged.

Despite herself she smiled and her composure relaxed. He was happy that he could raise her spirits for the moment.

"Sadly I don't know either," she said and her shoulders slumped.

"We'll find out," he assured her and shifted. "The first impression of this dream is that it looks like you're afraid of losing me. Did you ever think that, consciously?"

She began to pace anew. "Sometimes, but not lately."

"Did you fear I could die when we were still in the Delta Quadrant?"

"Yes, to lose you was one of my biggest fears and I often thought of how the journey would be if you died." She looked at him. "Do you think these thoughts came back because we're on Voyager?"

"Possibly."

She shook her head. "No, that isn't the reason."

"Could it be about Shannon and Milo?"

"No."

He decided to change his tactics. "In your dream, what was it like when the Maquis were gone?"

"It was like the Cardassians were playing with me."

"Explain."

"That we got you back for example. I had nothing to do with it. If they hadn't activated your combadge…"

"So you felt like you were depending on them…"

"I was," she interrupted him. "I didn't only feel that way. I was at their mercy; I couldn't help my crew."

"Could you really not help or was it just a feeling?"

"What do you mean?"

"There are a lot of options a captain can choose from… if this scenario had been real."

"So you're saying I'm not worthy of commanding a ship?"

"Of course you are. I just want you to see clearly. It was a dream after all. And I'm sure you would've acted differently if this scenario would've been real."

"I'm not so sure," she said, pinching her nose.

"Why?"

"Yesterday you told me I am getting careless."

"That was a joke, Kathryn! It's nice to see you more relaxed."

"No, Chakotay, it is true. I am careless. I'm not caring for the welfare of the ship and crew as I should."

"Kathryn, you're too harsh on yourself…"

"I am responsible for these people, Chakotay," she said firmly, gesturing to the door and the crew out there.

"And you take the responsibility."

She shook her head. "I noticed that I care more for our children than I care for the crew. And that is wrong."

"You don't put our children above the crew. When it matters. In mess hall you switched from Kathryn to captain in less than one second. You didn't even think about going with our children to sickbay because you knew your place was on the bridge. So what's wrong with caring for our children when it's quiet?"

"It is wrong!"

"Why?"

"Because I should always have the crew in mind. I shouldn't put my life above theirs."

"That sounds familiar."

"Of course it does. That's one of the reasons why I couldn't get involved with you in the Delta Quadrant."

"But we aren't in the Delta Quadrant anymore. We're in Federation space."

"Still, I have to keep this crew safe."

"And you do keep them safe."

"That's not the only thing. I'm not paying enough attention since we've been back."

"What do you mean?" he frowned confused.

"I failed B'Elanna after her meeting with her mother. I saw that she was upset and troubled and angry. I wanted to talk to her but forgot. I simply forgot. What if because of my lapse Tom and B'Elanna had broken up?"

"They didn't. And you aren't responsible for everyone."

"They are still members of Voyager's crew."

"That's right, but they are also adults and able to take care of themselves. Tom and B'Elanna did. They resolved their problems on their own. They are happy."

She stopped in front of him. "Some mistakes have an impact on us. The Doctor's for example. If I had paid more attention I would've seen that there was a problem with his program."

"There are always two sides, Kathryn. You cannot know what would've happened if you had interfered. You could've made it worse." She grunted annoyed and he rose, laying his hands on her shoulders. "Why can't you just live your life? Why can't you let go?"

"I don't know." She threw her arms in the air and his hands slipped from her shoulders.

"You cared for this crew seven and a half years. You put your life behind to get this crew home. Now it's your turn."

"But not out here!" she said empathically.

"Yes, not out here. Here you are the captain but on Earth you are Kathryn and our crew is grown up and if they need help they'll come to us."

"It's not that easy, Chakotay."

"Of course it is."

"No," she yelled desperately.

"Why?" his voice rose. "Why should it be wrong?"

"Because I'm afraid I make an error in judgment that would put people I love in danger and I wouldn't be able to save them," she shouted and realization hit her. Hard.

Sudden silence filled the room and Chakotay could see her mind reeling and the desperation on her face turning into surprise and finally into a sad certainty.

"Tau Ceti Prime…," she whispered, her eyes downcast. "I thought I had left it behind. But it's still there. After all these years."

Without looking at him, she turned to the viewports and gazed absentmindedly at the stars. Even if he was curious to know what was going on in her head he decided to stay quiet and let her think. He continued watching her, though, and after a while he noticed a change in her body language. She squared her shoulders, stood straighter, head high. The posture reminded him of the woman he met ten years ago; the woman who stepped unafraid in his path, blocking his body with hers. He realized suddenly how much she had changed since then. His eyes drifted to the stars streaking by and he didn't know how long they were standing there before she faced him.

"Chakotay?"

Shaking his head to clear his mind, he looked at her and saw a challenging shimmer in her eyes that was also absent for a while. "Yes?"

"I will change our course. We're going to visit Dorvan," she said, her voice strong and firm. "We won't let some imagined Cardassians interfere in our plans."

He didn't need to ask if she was sure, he saw the determination on her face and just smiled to himself.

"What?" she asked annoyed with one hand on her hip.

"Oh, nothing," he waved dismissingly, the smile growing. "We better leave. Our bridge is waiting."

She shook her head slightly and her forehead crinkled confused. He walked to the door but stopped before it opened and stepped aside, gesturing at her to go first. Glancing at him, she walked forward.

"Welcome back, Captain," he said empathically right before the doors opened.