Final chapter. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'll have a reallllllly long speech at the end so you don't have to deal with it now. ENNJOY!

Sorry this is late, I was feeling really unmotivated and… yeah. Sorry for the wait. There are lots of tests since it's spring, and I've just been really busy and tired, but I hope you like this extra long chapter.

~Sara

Xav

If there was one thing that Xav hadn't been able to comprehend in his seventeen years of life, it was why the best, most kind, most amazing people were the ones who had to struggle and go through pain. Why was it that the greatest people, the most purest of heart, ended up getting hurt in such awful ways?

He looked in the mirror in front of him, and what he saw was someone he didn't even recognize. His once well toned body had seemed to vanish, and were replaced by ribs, and you could count each one. His eyes were gray, and his skin was pale. He gripped the sides of the sink and blinked, realizing that his face was wet.

After getting a hold of himself and putting on his gear above two layers of clothing so nobody could see his weight loss, he got to the training room, only to be greeted by the very person he didn't want to talk to.

"You okay?"

Please stop asking me if I'm okay. "Fine." Xav mumbled, not looking into the deep blue eyes he used to want to stare at endlessly.

He should and would've been happy…

He would've been happy, if only…

If only he didn't see Chris as a true Nephilim, crushing the body of Magnus Bane every single time he looked at him. If only he didn't remember the fact that Chris had been the one to kill Magnus, and nobody seemed to remember. If only he wasn't so in love yet so angry with Chris at the same time. He should be happy. He should be happy that their parabatai runes were gone. Yet every single time Chris would touch him, he'd have to resist the urge to flinch, or to pull away.

The only thing he had to cling to was the catalyst and the lock of hair. He couldn't tell anyone, not a soul. He'd be locked away in some insane asylum, never to be seen or heard from ever again.

Xav dug his fingernails into his hands when Chris leaned over and kissed Xav. "It'll be alright soon, I promise." Xav hated himself. He hated himself for wanting to be with Chris. He hated himself for wanting to be happy.

"Yeah." Xav replied, pointing to the bow and arrows Chris had in hand. "Are you going to train?"

"Yeah, I heard you were going to as well, so… I changed my schedule." Chris smiled.

How can you be so immune to everything? How? Xav thought to himself. "I… actually, I don't feel well… Could you tell Emma that I'll go tomorrow?"

Something flashed over Chris' face, but almost as soon as it did, it vanished. "Yeah, Yeah. Sure. See you tonight?"

"Of course." Xav said, making sure not to run to his room like he wanted to. Countless visits from his father and Clary were already enough. He didn't need to be reminded of what he and Chris had done to Idris. Having to go to their funerals hurt even more.

He slammed the door to his room shut and reached inside his drawer for the locket containing Magnus' hair before sinking to the floor.

This wasn't just about Magnus anymore.

Xav actually believed that this was what was going to make him happy again. What was going to make him whole again. Once he brought him back, he'd be able to forget about the guilt that came after he attacked Idris. He'd be able to be with Chris without the pain of Magnus' death.

At least, that was what he wanted to believe.

For the past two weeks, immense repairs had been done to the whole of Idris, starting with the cleaning of the blood. For the first three days after the attack, Idris was a red city, blood flowing down the streets. After that, it was as if nothing had happened at all. The only reminders of the attack were the cries that could be heard in streets and the growing amount of bones in the silent city.

Xav hated walking down the street and seeing people whisper about him and ask, is that him? Is that the boy that killed thousands of Shadowhunters? Doesn't he know that our population is shrinking? He hated people purposely tripping him in the street, asking him if he was really the son of a war hero.

Jace and Clary handled it well, and so did Sebastian. Sebastian was easier to talk to than he had before. Sebastian had supposedly been dead for 16 years before showing up again; all while being wanted by the Clave for killing thousands. Sebastian understood.. at least, a little bit.

But Xav didn't want people to understand, because nobody truly did. They didn't understand how badly this affected him. He didn't want to be known as the son of a war hero that killed half of the population of Idris. He wanted his old status back. He wanted to be the best shadowhunter if the generation. He wanted ,to be the hope of the Nephilim, not a disgraceful, disgusting creature that was hard to look at.

He couldn't handle it anymore. If I bring Magnus back, it'll be alright. His crazed thoughts told him. I just have to bring him back, and I'll be okay again. I'll feel okay.

He just needed one more thing to bring him back. He knew where he could get it, and how to get it… but there was one thing-

They were Clary's kids. Chris' siblings.

But they're from another dimension. Xav argued with himself. They're not human.

Yes they are. You can't just kill them. The other side of himself fought back.

But then again… he'd been searching for something from another dimension for two weeks, and had no luck with finding anything. The spell didn't say that the thing from another dimension would die in the process if it was alive in the first place…

And it wasn't as if he hadn't tried to find another way. Xavier continuously backed his vicious thoughts up with facts that made absolutely no sense. But the basic idea was semi-comprehendable.

He was going to steal babies from his boyfriend's house to bring back a dead warlock.

Surprisingly, he'd heard about worse things.

And for once, he didn't care about breaking the law.

Fuck the law. Fuck everything and everyone.

He'd only give up once he got what he wanted.

Chris

Chris had told Xav that he'd give him space; that he would let him grieve.

But this… this wasn't normal, was it? Weren't you supposed to lean on the people you loved during times like this? When his father had died, Clary had found comfort in the people she loved. She hadn't pushed people away.

Chris thought that what he'd been seeing was effort from Xav. He thought that Xav was trying to get better. No.. not better.

Chris just wanted Xav to learn how to be okay again.

It was as if Xav had lost trust in him; like Xav didn't know that Chris saw him tremble under his grip or try not to flinch whenever he talked to him.

Chris had seen it too. He'd seen the bodies scattered throughout Idris. He'd seen the body of Livia Blackthorn at one of the many funerals, watching as Emma flung herself into Julian's arms, tears filling her eyes. Worst of all, he'd seen Magnus Bane's body right in front of him, a man that had been alive for centuries and had survived world wars and centuries dead right before him.

So if Xav and him had gone through the same thing…

What had made Xav so afraid from him?

At first, he thought it was the lives they'd ended… but he remembered that they'd killed before.

He went through every possibility.

It had taken him a while to finally realize it, but then it all came to him in what seemed like seconds. He'd started to rethink everything that had happened in the past year.

That's when he realized what… no, who it was.

It was Magnus. He remembered the kiss in the great hall. He'd trusted Xav when Xav told him that their relationship was nothing but platonic. Maybe Xav hadn't even realized it back then. The way they'd clung on to each other, and how after that… nothing had ever really been the same between him and Xav all pointed to the truth that Chris hadn't wanted to see. The truth that Xav did have feelings for somebody else.. But those feelings had only been realized after the curse was in its final stages.

Then he'd remembered the look on Xav's face when Magnus got hurt right before they shifted. He'd completely ignored Chris and started to panick.

Chris pretended not to see Xav's weight loss, dark circles, or pale skin. He pretended that he didn't walk into Xav's room just to see Xav huddled into a ball, cradling himself while crying.

Instead, he chose to believe that Xav would learn how to be okay again.

But the truth was that he hadn't even been trying.

Xav

He'd actually done it, and he hated himself for it. Xav was literally holding two babies by the beach, and was currently setting up a ceremonial circle.

Stealing them hadn't even been difficult, which made Xav feel more disgusted with himself. It'll be worth it, He promised himself. Just get him back.

And worst of all, his mind was trying to convince him that what he was doing was right. That he was doing the right thing. There were two circles that he'd etched onto the ground with a stick, one bigger than the other, and in the border plenty of runes had been carved into the sand. (Fun fact: I went through my copy of Queen of Air and Darkness to figure this chapter out, so..)

Xav wasn't using shadowhunter runes. He was using a runic language that was much of unpleasant, ancient, and demonic. He placed the ingredients right next to the circle: the myrrh(the catalyst), chalk, the lock of Magnus' hair… and one of the twins.

There was a look of hope in Xav's face that hadn't been there in a long time. He smiled lightly before he placed the pouch containing Magnus' hair onto the edge of the circle and then put the glowing red myrrh in the center of the circle. He started to chant loudly, not caring if somebody heard him at this point. "Abyssus abyssum invocat in voce cataractarum tuaram; omnia excelsa tua et fluctus tuit súper me transierunt. Deep calls to deep in the voice of your waterfalls, all your whirlpools and waves have passed over me."

As he chanted, one by one the objects inside the circle caught on fire and it looked like fireworks going off. They burned with a clean blaze. Xav spoke the memorized words as quickly as he could without jumbling them together. "Hic mortui vivunt, hic mortui vivunt-"

"WAIT!" He heard a cry from the distance, and hands on his shoulders. Xav turned around with lighting speed. "Xav- Xav, don't do this."

The Latin chant stopped mid sentence, and Xav stared at his parabatai, confused, his dull blue eyes darting from Chris' collarbone to his face and back down again. "What do you mean? I-I don't- I can't… understand you."

"Don't do this. Don't raise Magnus from the dead."

"But… I have to," Xav said. His voice sounded empty, just like it had been for two weeks. "I can't live without him."

"Yes, you can." Chris said firmly but quietly. "You can. You think this will make you happy, make you better, but it'll make you feel more empty than you already do. He's already dead, already gone. You can't bring back somebody who's already been in the afterlife for two weeks. You think you can't survive without him, but you can. We can go through this together." Xav's face was wet, and he realized that he'd been crying. He continued to watch Chris speak. "I love you, Xav. I love you."

Chris continued, "He's gone, Xav. Gone forever. You have to get through this. Your family can help you, I can help you. But not if you do this, Xav. He might not even want to come back."

Xav's face; the one that had been filled with guilt just a moment before… it had finally went blank. "I have to get him back, Chris. I have to. I just have to."

He pulled himself from Chris' grasp and turned his attention back to the circle, his hands outstretched as he continued the chant. "Igni ferroque, ex silentio, ex animo-" Chris knocked him to the side, and Xav was too shocked to defend himself like he usually could, along with the fact that he hadn't slept in days, he was weaker than usual. They splashed into the shallow water and Xav finally seemed to come back to life in a way, and he shoved Chris and kicked him in the throat. Although he was choking, Chris continued to try and restrain Xav. Xav was crying, but even while crying, he was a better fighter than Chris was. He was a shadowhunter born and trained. He was a natural fighter. He struggled free and thrust out his hand to the fire from the circle once more.

"Ex silentio, Ex animo!" He cried, "Magnus Bane! Resurget!" The flame at the center on the circle turned black.

It was done.

Black flames rose to the sky, and Xav stepped back, his eyes shining. The water of the ocean began to ripple. What Xav had expected wasn't what he saw. What he saw was an outline, a transparent Magnus in an outfit he would have never worn.

Xav ignored the feeling of dread inside of him and walked up to the ghost. But he knew it was Magnus. It was Magnus.

"Why did you bring me back like this?" Was the first thing that came out of Magnus' mouth. "Why?" After a moment, Magnus finally met Xav's eyes. "Why could you do this? Why did you do this?" Then he whispered, "You could've finally been with Chris."

Xav stopped.

He hadn't even considered the question himself. He'd thought that the one he wanted this whole time was Chris, and yet… he'd fallen for Magnus too. Why had he let his emotions do this to him? Instead of leaning on Chris for comfort, he'd stolen a fucking baby and summoned a ghost with twins. Luckily, the twins were still alive. Chris was now holding them, but the look in his eyes was one of horror when he looked in Xav's way. Xav had finally become the monster that he'd been so afraid of becoming. Why had he resurrected Magnus when the reason he'd even gotten to know Magnus was because of his feelings for Chris?

"I.. I don't know." Xav stared at his trembling hands, perhaps a bit scared of himself now. "But Magnus-

"There's no 'but,' Xavier. Not now. Not after I died." Magnus said softly. "I need to go back. This-this isn't natural."

"I…" Xav tried to hide the mixed emotions he was feeling. Nothing had gone right. He'd expected Magnus to come back the way he used to be, but the truth was that Magnus was different now. You can't bring back somebody who's died. They'll never truly be alive again. Xav shook his head, trying to find a reason to keep him there. "Please, Magnus. I-I need to be okay again. I need someone. I need you. Please."

"Take a look around you." Magnus said, reaching a transparent hand out to Xav, but having no luck; his hand passed straight through Xav's cheek. Magnus' hand fell to his side. "Look… as much as I wish I could come back… to be with you…" He glanced at Chris' form in the shadows. "You don't need me. You have the most perfect person possible. The perfect person for you."

"Magnus, please. Don't do this to me. Not again, not again. I can't lose you after bringing you back."

"But is this really bringing me back?" Magnus looked down at his hands. "I'm a fraction of who I used to be, Xav."

"You're still you."

"I'm sorry, but you're not the one who decides that for me." Magnus' form started to flicker, and a look of sadness flashed over his face but was replaced with a melancholy smile. "But… I do have one question."

Xav opened his mouth to speak, but he was speechless.

"Can you answer my question?" Magnus' eyes were full of hope, just like they were when they closed two weeks ago.

Xav couldn't leave the question unanswered. Not again. Never again. "I love you, Magnus. I love you, I love you, I love you." Xav reached out for Magnus, mirroring Magnus from a couple minutes before. This time, Xav's fingers hit something firm.

Magnus was himself again. Xav wasted no time to cup his face with his hands and bring his lips to his.

As soon as their lips touched, Magnus started to fade away again. Xav could feel the tears falling down his face.

"Don't miss me too much…" Magnus said softly as he pulled away from Xav, his flickering form obvious. "You might just end up hurting yourself. I'll never be gone, alright? You'll just to look for me somewhere else."

And he was gone.

Xav collapsed into Chris' waiting arms. He wasn't better, but he was going to learn how to be okay again. Whether it took years, or months, or decades… he wouldn't be alone.

2 months later (Kind of an epilogue)...

Xav laid flowers down at the grave. They were roses; the same shade of gold that Magnus' eyes had been. His hands were linked with Chris,' and the smile on his face did not waver. He crouched down in front of the grave and closed his eyes, remembering what Magnus had said.

"I'll never be gone, alright? You'll just have to look for me somewhere else."

Xav opened his eyes and looked at Chris before changing his gaze up to the sky. "I'm trying. I really am."

He took a deep breath. "I'm learning how to be whole again."

I'm soooo sorry that this took so long to update. 1, I was busy writing this thank you letter at the end, but… I also have been stressing from tests and such since it's spring. I've never been the best student, so I had to really get my act together. I hope you guys understand, because for now, my education comes first.. Until i write a book, lol. Jk. I've also felt unmotivated and lazy, so… I'm sorry.

Anyway, that ending had me crying. Literally. There are tears on my laptop. I hope you guys enjoyed my crazy writing that started off as a clabastian story and ended up moving on from that and into a full blown xris story. I honestly think that this is the best ending I've ever written. I'm blown away by all of the support I get from everybody who's followed, favorited, reviewed.

Wow. I can't believe you've kept up with me for… what is it? Two years now? A whole fucking trilogy. I love you guys:

-DFairBaugh

-Horses8

-Lullaby baby rock a by bye

-Ruth M

-immxrtxl

-kaylettexo

I just want to take time to say thanks to some of you individually as well-

Horses8: Thanks for being so supportive even if I don't update for soooo long. Thanks for being a great friend. :)

Lullaby baby rock a by bye: Okay. I don't know what to say. Just.. thanks for being so supportive.

Ruth M: Thank you thank you thank you thank you. :)

Thank you to the people who've been reading since the beginning and watching my writing get better over the years. I love you all so, so much. Thank you for going through this journey with Xav and Chris and Clary and Seb. Love you.

~Sara