One day I will write crack that isn't just Aizen and Gin being really OOC divas. One day I will. And then you will have variety and laughs… but until that day comes, enjoy the Diva Aizen and Lady GinGin crack.

This chapter has nothing to do with anything, I just wanted to write it.

I want to draw GinGin's dress... but first I need to learn to draw dresses.

Lyrics are from the Key Of Awesome. Meaning: not mine, Never have been mine, And never will be mine. They are far too good to be mine – ever.

Aizen is only singing GaGa's parts in this cuz they suited him better. He used to be a diva then he turned into a godawful monster! (if you've read the manga you'll know what I'm on about)

Anyway, enjoy.

Chapter 10: Telephone parodie (Diva-Aizen feat. Lady GinGin)

Aizen had only sat down for a couple of minutes, sipping his drink when all of a sudden he stood up again, voicing his thoughts out loud. A wide grin coming across his face as he stood up from his chair.

"You know what? I want to sing something else now."

A huge groan of displeasure from Tousen and all of the espada present quickly followed along with a little giggle from Gin.

But Aizen had already gotten a taste of what it was like to be worshipped like the god – or, the very well manicured diva – that he was, and he wasn't about to surrender his spot in the limelight for anybody.

So back towards the stage he went, with Gin giggling as the espadas seated nearby him cringed in embarrassment and ordered yet more drinks in order to hide said embarrassment their leader was inflicting upon them. God help them all.

Gin was trying to hide his snickering as he went to have a gulp of his tequila, only to be dragged off by Aizen onto the stage as well.

"You, Gin, sing with me."

"Aww, but… but I don't wanna…" Gin pleaded, as Aizen grabbed his arm and pulled him out of his chair, still wearing his favourite red showgirl dress.

"You sing or I get Trump back in here to yell at you!"

"Alright fine." Gin replied. "but only cuz I don't wanna get yelled at again."

"Yes! Okay you come with me, let's go get out microphones!"

Gin groaned inwardly, still holding onto his tequila with his free hand, somehow managing to down it all in one shot – because he knew he was going to need it to get through a singing session with Aizen, who was probably a bigger diva than he was.

"Now what to sing about…" Aizen mused to himself, pulling Gin over towards the DJ to pick the song to sing to, while Gin just stood there awkwardly, teetering in his heels while Aizen was picking the music out.

"What should we sing about Gin?" he asked happily.

Gin just pouted and folded his arms.

"I dunno, but since yer now the biggest diva in town how 'bout you sing 'bout yer new music video?"

"Ha! There! That should keep him quiet!" Gin thought, smirking at the thought of Aizen puzzling over the thought, only to get the opposite reaction than the one he intended when Aizen excitedly exclaimed this was a brilliant idea and scampered off onto the stage, dragging Gin along for the ride.

Once they were on the stage, there were mixed reactions from the audience – but Aizen was not deterred. He was going to sing whether they liked it or not. He practically shoved the microphone into Gin's hand and then turned to the audience, telling them – well, mainly Gin - that he was going to sing about what was going to be the concept of his latest music video. 'Aizen featuring Lady GinGin' he said the single would be.

Gin then asked, "So what's the concept for yer 'music video' gonna be? Ya haven' even told me what I'm s'posta be singin' 'bout."

Aizen just cleared his throat and then waited for the music to start, which apparently was the ringing of a telephone… and then he started to sing. He was singing about random stuff, but he started to sing…

(Diva-Aizen)
First of all this song is not as good as Bad Romance
And its not even close Poker face or Just Dance

So I will distract them by getting half naked
And throw everything at them but the kitchen sink sink

The kitchen sink sink
What do you think think?
I will prove that I don't have a penis wink wink

Gin was a little confused, but the fangirls just seemed to be happy Aizen was singing again, going by the screaming – even if what he was singing was complete drunken gibberish. After all, wasn't Aizen a man? And Gin couldn't even think why Aizen would throw the sink at his fans…

This seemed like one crazy video to film. And Gin could only stand there and look on, astounded, as Aizen sang out the crazy wild plans for his next publicity stunt: his music video. In which he was evidently plagiarising a hell of a lot from other artists.

Gin just stood there as Aizen made full use of that stage, flaunting his sexy diva self, while Gin just stood there next to him and watched from the opposite end of the stage, currently debating whether to just go and sit down again.

(Diva-Aizen)

First I'll get stripped naked by some burly prison guards
Then make out with a shemale in the prison yard yard

Gin decided to hear him out a bit first, until it got to the part about making out with the shemale… which at that point Gin just had to say something to him.

"Wait, yer gonna make out with Kira? Again? But you just did that…"

But Aizen apparently wasn't really listening to him, so he decided to sing it in the hopes that Aizen would listen. Just talking wasn't getting him anywhere so why not try singing it?

(GinGin)
This video seems goofy you should just do it alone
Besides I'm getting sick of all these songs about phones

And Gin kept thinking that this video – if it ever was going to be filmed – seemed really outrageous. Better yet, were they even allowed to film this?
But, as it was – and Aizen being the complete diva that he is – Aizen just kept singing his crazy ideas. And being annoyingly sexy.

(Diva-Aizen)
Bail me out of jail then we pause for some bad dialogue
We poison everyone including a cute dog

Then we start to dance and there's dead people everywhere
As usual I'll have lots crazy crap in my hair

"Wait, you have hairgel in our hair anyway…" Gin said, wondering what else Aizen could put in his hair. Maybe he really was plagiarising ideas…

Suddenly regretting even suggesting Aizen sing about this because it was making absolutely no sense to him at all. Let alone half the people out there. Oh well, Gin decided to make use of his stage time and dance a little, even if it was just to creep back to his seat. He wasn't drunk enough for enjoying or even understanding what Aizen was singing.

(Diva-Aizen)
P- P- P- P- P-P- P-P-Product Placement
Hide the d-dead bodies in the b-b-basement

Blood and guts and boobs and butts
And I just want to make your head explode

Beep beep beep b-b-beep beep beep
That was Lady Gaga in Morse code

Aizen was really into it though. He was having fun singing all of his wild ideas for this video, even if right now he didn't even think of how they could film it – he was drunk after all. He swept his hair back off his face and moved to the music and made with the sexy. He even snapped his fingers once or twice in a very diva like manner for good measure. The fangirls went crazy, the drunk people laughed, and Tousen was one of the few who weren't amused. Aizen was singing about hiding dead bodies and butts…

And everything was going fabulously.

Until Gin decided he'd had enough and tried to walk off the stage, still with the cordless microphone in his hand.

"Hey Gin! Where are ya going?" Aizen yelled over the music, as Gin fell over in his heels and stood up again, quite undignified. Then turning back to Aizen and singing his next part.

(GinGin)
If you think I'm doing this
Then you're a crazy bastard
You musta blown a gasket
Are you trippin' on acid?
As a child were you abused by some big crazy bastard?
And did he ever make you place the lotion in the basket?

I just want to do a simple shoot with dancin'
You used to be a diva now you're Marilyn Manson

Gin waited until the spotlight had left him and shone back on Aizen before trying to sneak away from the stage, until the very drunk Diva Aizen took over again and blackmailed him to star in his video, all the while the fangirls sitting nearby being completely into the song drama. As Aizen glared at Gin and slowly stepped towards him, still singing of course.

(Diva-Aizen)
You're gonna do my video and do it my way
I'd hate for something bad might happen to your family

(GinGin)

My family ay?

(Diva-Aizen)
That's right Beyonce
A piano might accidentally fall on Jay Z

Now Gin was even more confused. Beyonce? Who was this Beyonce? Was she someone he knew? And who was this Jay Z guy? Anyway, that didn't matter; Aizen was probably just making stuff up. Aizen said some really weird things when he was completely off his arse. But still, this music video wasn't something Gin had in mind to do… it seemed just too crazy. Far too crazy! And Gin was a little bit scared of this new Diva Aizen… he hated to think of what he would look like in a dress! Oh lord that would be a nightmare!

So Gin sang and tried to get help from the audience to escape, but Aizen just carried on singing, dragging a singing Gin back onto the stage again.

(GinGin)
Somebody help me cuz I don't want sing anymore
She's got a gun to my head on the dance floor

(Diva-Aizen)
Rubadubdub three nuns in a tub
And their doin' it with a garden Gnome

(GinGin)
Please don't beat me up but I have to ask what
does that have to do with a telephone?

When the music track ended there was the usual applause and wild screaming from their fangirls, but Aizen seemed to regain some small bit of sense when it all died down. And when he actually thought about the answer to Gin's question he actually didn't have any idea at all what any of what he had just sung had to do with a phone at all.

"You know what Gin," Aizen said, now quite puzzled as they both stood there after their song had ended. "I have no idea what any of that has to do with a telephone."

"Has anyone told ya that yer kinda crazy, Aizen?"

"…Yes."

It's probably not as funny as it is in my head… and that ending sorta sucks. But I had fun, so it's all good. I didn't quite know what I was on about in places but this is crack, so it is excusable. Crack doesn't need to make absolute sense or be written even remotely seriously with a straight face.

Yeah, one day I will do crack that isn't just Aizen and Gin, just not today.

Anyway, I hope you liked, I can give you linkage to the song if you wanna listen to it, and reviews are always awesome (but you know you don't have to)