Epilogue - The Itsy-Bitsy Jerkstore

"Listen, Snake," said Hobo Dan, "I don't think this is such a good idea."

"I think it's a great idea." replied Snake.

"The gesture is great, but don't you think this is a little dangerous?" asked Hobo Dan.

"Do you WANT a place to live, or not?" asked Snake.

Hobo Dan sighed, "Okay, okay. But did I have to come WITH you up here?"

The two men were currently suspended in mid-air. Dan was strapped to Snake's back by a harness, and Snake held onto a long rope, secured by a grappling hook. The two were scaling one of the tallest buildings in the city - Belmont Condominiums.

"Hmm," Snake began, "I suppose you could've waited in the lobby or something. You should've thought of that before we started climbing."

"No, that's fine. I'm just a little worried." Dan said, as Snake walked vertically up the building.

"Don't worry, I'm an expert climber. Compared to steep mountainsides, this is a walk in the cake," Snake replied, "Besides, God forbid we should fall, I have a backup chute."

"No, it's not falling I'm worried about," Dan replied, "It's the being spotted by people looking out their windows as we pass by."

"They'll simply think we're a publicity stunt. We'll tell them we're promoting the next Cliffhanger movie." said Snake, "Now let me concentrate. We're about five storeys from the roof."

"What's on the roof?" asked Hobo Dan.

"Your new home." Snake replied.

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It took the duo ten more minutes to reach the rooftop of Belmont Condominiums. Snake unstrapped Dan from his harness, and claimed his grappling hook from the roof edge. The roof contained a large swimming pool, and a poolside bar. Next to the bar was stairs that led down.

"Shall we?" asked Snake, who began to decend the stairs. Dan followed closely behind.

"Oh wow..." said Dan, "It's been a while since I've actually stepped foot inside an actual home."

The condo was much bigger than Snake or Dan had thought it would be. Just the living room alone was the size of Snake's entire apartment. The walls were in a gothic style, made of large grey bricks, modelled after an old castle. To their left coming down the stairs was a crescent window, surrounding a grey fireplace. A large leather couch sat in front of a large widescreen television, which stood almost as tall as Snake was. Down a hall in front of them were the kitchen, the bedroom, and the front entrance of the condo.

"Well, get used to it. Now that Belmont's probably dead, his apartment is now yours," said Snake, "As a bonus, I'll arrange it so that it'll look like Belmont signed the apartment, and the entire complex, over to you."

"Really? You'll do that?" asked Dan, bewildered.

"Sure. It's the least I can do, since you helped us out back there." said Snake, shrugging.

"Well, as my thanks, I'll give you a pass for a free lesson!" said Dan.

"Eh? Lesson?" asked Snake, confused by his statement.

"Yes - in a few short weeks, I'll completely transform this apartment into my new dojo!" said Dan.

"Wait... dojo?" Snake asked, with a confused look on his face, "You teach karate?"

"Not karate! I teach Saikyou-ryuu, my own branch of martial arts. Back in my native Japan, I had a dojo where I taught many students my techniques." Dan replied, with a smug look on his face.

"Then how did you become homeless if you were such a great sensei?" Snake asked him.

"Competition, my friend. My small, humble dojo was overshadowed by larger, more popular martial arts schools. Forced out of business, my travels brought me here," Dan explained, "Oh, how I miss teaching my techniques. But now because of you, I can live my dream again!"

"Well, uh... don't mention it." said Snake, "Look, I'd better get going, Dan."

"Hibiki-san." Dan corrected.

Snake paused, "Uh, Hibiki-san."

"Call me Dan." replied Dan.

Snake nodded and smiled, "Sayonara."

Dan smiled at Snake, then places his arms at his sides, and bowed to Snake. Snake, not knowing completely how to comply, hastily attempted to do the same. The attempt came out not as he had hoped, but Dan let it slide.

Snake then nodded again, and made his way out of the apartment.

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"Hurry up with those damn keys," said Sephiroth, fatigue wearing his voice out.

"If you didn't keep every key you ever got on one blasted keyring, this wouldn't be so hard." said Vegeta, fumbling with Sephiroth's ring of keys.

Protoman stood behind the two, struggling to lift his own head up, "I'm tired, guys."

"You're a robot, Protoman. You don't feel weariness." replied Sephiroth.

"No! You lie! I wanna go live with mom!" yelled Protoman.

"Will you shut the fuck up?" whispered Vegeta, "I've got the door open."

Vegeta pushed the door in, and the three roommates piled inside their apartment. Inside, they spotted Snake lying on the sofa, with a bottle of beer in one hand, and the telephone in the other.

"Yeah, and he told me that he wants to sign over his apartment, his fortune, and the condominium complex over to his close friend Dan Hibiki..." Snake said, then paused to let the other person talk, "... Where is he now? He told me he's moved back with family in Europe."

Another pause, "... Yes, it was rather spontaneous."

And another, "... Are you calling me a liar? Do I need to get him to fly all the way back here to settle this? With God as my witness, he'll be royally pissed, and will probably fire you and a few of your colleagues just for good measure."

Snake then pointed his index finger to Sephiroth, as to indicate that he'll be off soon, "... That's what I thought. You have a good night too. Bye." He then clicked the phone down, and unmuted the television set.

Vegeta, saying nothing to Snake, darted into his bedroom, and closed the door. Protoman shoved himself into the broom closet near the front door, and switched himself to stand-by mode.

"So, you wanna explain what that call was about, Snake?" asked Sephiroth.

"Oh, nothing really," Snake said, sipping his beer, "I just convinced the staff of Belmont Condominiums that Trevor had signed his property and fortune over to Dan. The entire building now belongs to him."

Sephiroth sat there, speechless, "Jeez, Snake. I thought you were gonna buy him Denny's or something. What in the hell made you do that?"

"As satisfying as it was to watch Trevor get the shit blown out of him, I never really got to hand it to him myself. So, I did this, as sort of a 'fuck you' gesture," Snake said, taking the remote and flipping channels, "Only on a much larger scale."

"Why didn't you just sign the fortune over to us, instead? We'd be rich and would never have to work again." Sephiroth asked.

"Why would I do that, Seph? That's fraud. I'm not a criminal, you know." Snake's eyes then widened, "Oooo, Death Tunnel is on the Action channel..."

Sephiroth paused and stared at Snake, "... It's WAY too late to comprehend your logic, Snake. I'm going to bed, and you should too, if you're going to work tomorrow."

"I work afternoon shift, no worries." replied Snake.

"Suit yourself," said Sephiroth, walking towards his bedroom. "Night."

"Seeya." replied Snake.

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Monday morning. The sun shone on the streets of Big City, and people rushed to their day jobs. As cars passed by on either side, an oddly dressed man stood on the sidewalk, holding his arm out, with his thumb extended.

"Sweet mother of crap, why is it always impossible to get a cab when you urgently NEED one?" the man said to himself.

His voice was young, that of someone in his mid-twenties. He was of average height, and slightly toned. On the surface, he was an ordinary guy. It was how he was dressed that made him peculiar, though.

He was wearing a form-fitting bodysuit, which from the waist down is dark blue except for mid-calf boots, which were red with a black web pattern. From the waist up, the suit had a red-and-black web pattern, except for his back, sides, and insides of his upper arms, which were dark blue. There was a large red spider outline on his back, and a smaller black spider emblem on his chest. His entire face was covered by a mask, that had large white eyes rimmed with black.

After a minute, a taxi cab finally stopped for him.

"About time!" the man exclaimed. He reached for the taxi cab's back door handle, and climbed inside.

"Oi, stranger!" the taxi driver greeted. He was an asian man, who spoke broken English, dressed in a hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts, "Where to, bro?"

"I need to get to this address, right here." the man said, handing the taxi driver a small piece of paper with the destination scribbled onto it.

"Yes yes! That's not too far from here. I'll get you there in hurry!" the taxi driver exclaimed, then turning the cab into drive, and taking off down the street.

A few moments of awkward silence filled the taxi cab, before the driver began to talk again.

"So, we don't get much people dressed like you 'round here, eh?" he asked, jokingly.

"I'm not paying you to initiate small talk, riceball."

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A few more minutes passed inside the silent taxi cab, before it finally rolled to a stop in front of an apartment building. The costumed man paid the asian taxi driver, and climbed out of the cab.

"Wow," the man said, gazing up at the building as the cab drove away, "If they would fix up a few things here and there, this place might look like a piece of shit."

He then began to walk towards the building. He pulled open the front reception doors, and walked up to the security guard in the front.

"Hey there. I just applied for an apartment here a few weeks ago." the man said.

"Alright," the security guard said, flipping through some papers, "And you signed for the apartment under...?"

"Should be under the name 'Spidey'. Check for 'Spider-Man' also." the man replied.

The guard flipped through some more papers, "Ah, here we are; Spidey. I'll speak with the superintendant and we'll get you all settled in soon."

"I hope so. My buddy's coming here around noon with his van full of all my stuff, and if I'm not ready, he's just gonna dump it in the street," Spider-Man told the guard, "So if you could hurry up and get me my apartment, that would be great."

The guard nodded, "I'll see what I can do." he said, before getting up and going into the next room.

The lobby door then opened to Spider-Man's left, and a man dressed in a black trenchcoat and long, silver hair walked out. His eyes were half open, and bloodshot. He walked past Spider-Man, through the reception area, and out the front entrance of the apartment building.

Once he was out of Spider-Man's sight, Spidey chuckled to himself, "Sure hope I'm not neighbours with HIM..."

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Done.