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"Are you coming to bed?" John asked from the doorframe, sipping a steaming mug of tea, worrying knitting his eyebrows close together.
"No, I showed you the poll numbers, I have to get this work done. I have to make $84,000 appear from somewhere by daybreak." Alexander snapped and sipped his own mug filled with coffee.
"Well, I love you. Come to bed when you're done." John sighed and went to bed.
"I love you, too." Alexander yawned, still not looking up, and put his elbows on the dining table, cradling his head in his hands, the weight of his obligations loomed like the sword of Damocles, ready to crush him.
It was after midnight, this had to stop, in the two months since their wedding, Alexander had already become a failure in his marriage, the Washington campaign was slipping, and all he had were bags under his eyes to show for it.
"I hate myself," he mumbled, picking up his phone, he dialed, and waited as it rang.
"Hamilton, are you aware of the time?" The voice on the other end of the line asked.
"Burr, I know it's late, but two heads are better than one, listen, it's about the campaign, I'm asking you for help, that should flatter you."
"Lucky for you, it intrigues me as much as it flatters me, go on."
God, I hate myself, "alright, hear me out, the funding situation, we have to get those funds secured by the end of the week at the latest…"
Alexander and Burr talked for nearly two hours before Burr demanded that the conversation be continued after he had slept, "I make no decisions this late after nightfall and so early before daybreak, goodnight, Hamilton."
Alex stretched and took himself to bed. John was curled up fetally, and in his sleep didn't find Alexander. Sleep forced its way to him.
"Good morning." John said curtly in the morning when Alexander got out of bed, he had a pot of coffee ready.
"I'm sorry." Alexander offered.
"I know." John hugged him, but didn't soften into his apology.
"The election's only five months away, then we get our lives back."
"Yep, gotta go, Laf and I are working today."
"Tell him hi for me, I love you."
"I love you, too."
Alexander met with Burr, a continuation of the previous night's discussion. He hated to admit that Burr was smart, in some ways smarter than him, it grated his raw nerves. They were able to solve the problem and secure the funding for Washington. He was late getting home. He was always late getting home lately. Their small apartment was empty, dishes piled in the sink, socks and clutter littered the living room floor. Alex's eyes twitched and he yawned as he sat down to continue his work.
His phone rang.
"Hello."
"God, you're dumb, like so dumb it hurts kind of dumb."
"Thank you, subconscious." Alexander sighed to Angelica.
"Guess where I've been today?"
"Somewhere that's going to mean I'm in trouble."
"Smarter than you seem, dumbass. I've been with Lafayette and John. When's the last time you saw John?"
"This morning."
"No, Alexander, when did you last see him? Not look at him. See him."
Alexander sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "I asked Burr for help. I know I'm fucking up." He only trusted his voice enough to whisper.
"That's a good start, I told you not to be like me. Do better than me, Alex. Have flowers waiting, you're going to need more than you can afford on whatever Washington pays you. He'll be home tonight, and I swear to God almighty if you work tonight I will castrate you myself."
"Understood."
"You are home, aren't you?"
"Yes, I'm home."
They got off the phone and Alexander started planning his grand gesture, though he was too exhausted to make it truly great. Alexander got back with flowers, a bouquet of lilies and sunflowers from the corner store only slightly before John arrived.
"Hi." Alex whispered.
He saw John. He saw the tiredness, the sadness, the loneliness.
"Hi." John answered, sounding hollow.
"Sit, let's talk."
"I don't really have too much to say."
"I do."
"Of course you do." John looked out the window, refusing to meet Alexander's pleading gaze.
"Please, baby, please listen to me, I'm in no place to ask, but please?"
"What? What do you have to say to me? 'Oh, hey, guess what, I quit my job and we're going to Barcelona tomorrow? Everything's fine?' Alexander, I know who I married, this is what our life looks like."
"I didn't quit my job, but I've realized some things, John, some things that are rightfully making me feel very small. I've been neglectful."
"You have." John's bloodshot eyes were rimmed in red.
"My dear, I've been nothing but nerves, letting my fears guide me, not my love for you, and I'm sorry. I've thrown myself at my work, I told myself it was for us, I've been so afraid that my time here has an expiration date, I thought if I worked hard enough, somehow I'd prove myself, prove that I should stay here, stay with you. Washington hasn't been doing as well and I'm so afraid to let him down, I couldn't see that I was letting down the person who means the most to me. Nowhere, no matter how hard I try, it isn't enough."
John nodded and looked at the floor, a tear dampened his jeans as it fell.
"Did you think about doing any of that with me?"
"I didn't want to bother you, it's summer, I know you're able to be more active with the cause in the summer, there's higher turn out at demonstrations. I didn't want to bother you, plus, Lafayette's better at that than me, you already have the best of the best on your side."
"But he's not you."
"What?"
"Alex, have you ever considered not being the very best? Being like the third best? Being really really good, but not so good that you let the rest of your life get sucked away?"
"Not really."
"I know, we wouldn't be here if you did."
"I asked Burr for help." His quiet admission got John to look him in the eyes, both sets glistening.
"You... did what?" John struggled to process what words in that combination meant.
"Last night, I called him, we talked until almost four in the morning, I asked him for help. He's on my team, I should use him."
"You're serious?"
Alexander nodded, "John, I've seen it, I see how much I've been hurting you, I didn't know how to stop it until last night. I never wanted to. I just lost sight."
"I knew our lives weren't going to be easy, I just don't want to miss you."
"I don't either, not anymore. I'm still the campaign manager, but after this, no more. I'll settle down."
"No, you won't. How can I believe that?"
"Because I love you."
"Do you love me now?"
"Yes."
"Did you love me a month ago?"
"John, love, absolutely."
"See, this isn't about love. I've never doubted that you love me, but you love your work more."
"John, I'm changing that. I promise, give me the chance to prove it." Tears streaked his cheeks.
"I'm tired of being lonely."
"I know, love, I am too. I've done it to both of us."
"Can we be miserable together, I think-I'd-like-that-better-than-apart," John broke, his sentence punctuated with sobs.
Alexander held him, "I'd like it better too."
He kissed John's head and rocked him, exhaustion in every fiber of his being, he wanted to be comforted too, he would get his turn later, they would share their burdens.
"Did I do something wrong?" John was muffled by Alex's chest and his own tears.
"No, baby, of course not, this one's on me. I'm the one who's wrong."
"I can be better."
"Shh, you stop that. Let me be better."
Finally, John's shoulders sagged, he had cried himself empty. Alexander had made John's hair damp with tears, he was still crying. John sat up and wiped his face, sniffing. He saw Alex's disquieted countenance.
"My turn." He smiled tiredly and pulled Alexander's head down onto his lap and gently pulled the hair tie holding up Alex's unwashed hair free and stroked his dark locks.
"No, I did the hurting, don't be sweet to me." Alexander whimpered, too exhausted to try and fight to get away from John's soothing presence.
"Together, right?"
"Right." Alexander let himself be taken care of.
John soothed him, and finally he felt better, he felt a tiredness that was more active than the passive, unchangeable sleep deprivation that he forced himself to exist through.
"Let's go to bed." He suggested to John.
"Together?"
"Together, come on." Alexander stood and helped him up.
For the first time in almost a month they went to bed together.