10. Saved
"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape." -William S. Burrough -It felt as if the world were against me, leaving me with nothing but cold and darkness and downright despair. Somehow I had ended up in my own bedroom without splinching myself. I don't think I had ever apparated so absent-mindedly. There was a storm going on inside me; I was angry with the whole world. Why me, for Merlin's sake?! Why did I have to fall in love with the one boy I could not have?!
My very own mirror image frightened me whereas before it had always pleased me, as it should to a Malfoy girl. I looked just as desperate and worn out as the girls in the dungeons that the Death Eaters sometimes kept there, as slaves. I was not at all the proud, haughty young woman I had been before. It was as if the mirror now too betrayed me, by showing me someone I was not supposed to be in the first place. A broken girl. At that very thought I broke into tears again; who would have ever thought that I, Lucrecia Bellatrix Malfoy, named after two of the Dark Lord's most powerful Death Eaters, could be broken? A broken blood traitor with a baby in her belly that would already be greatly hated before he was even born. My sobs were probably indiscreetly loud, but that didn't matter now. In the worst case my parents would hear, but if they did, they would certainly not care.
Exhausted both emotionally and physically, I took off my black pumps; they were really killing my feet. There had been a time where I hadn't let that bother me at all, only weeks ago. I was so angry, angry with everyone, most of all myself. In a sudden rage, I threw one of the black polished shoes at the mirror so that it shattered in what looked like a million pieces. The noise was deafening, yet I hardly heard it. One of the many broken mirror pieces had subconsciously ended up in my hand, and I stared at it blankly. The inevitable thought came to mind: Why not end it all? A few cuts and I would be out of this despair, this dilemma, this heartbreak. Before tonight I had had only two reasons to live: my lover and my child. Now all that was left was the latter, and what would I do with a small baby on my own? Of course I could pass the baby off as Blaise's, but what use would that be? My life as Mrs. Zabini would undoubtedly be that of an obedient little wife; I'd rather die.
Would it hurt much?, I wondered, still staring at the glass. I was so deep in thought I had not even heard the door open and someone come in.
"Merlin, Lucie! What the hell happened here?!"
I looked up to see my brother, dressed in emerald green pyjamas, standing over me; a look of worry in his gray eyes that was completely new to me.
"It's over" I managed to whisper, my heart in too much pain to really feel it. It brought me in some sort of daze. "It's all over".
Draco shook his head in confusion. "What's over? Lucie, give me that". He reached for the glass.
"No!" I cried out, suddenly alert. "It's mine. It's mine and I need it".
"How can you need that? I can mend your mirror for you" he promised, puzzled and definitely worried. I would probably be too if I was fully conscious of the state I was in.
"I'm in love. With Harry Potter. I was doing my mission and I fell in love with him, okay? I'm carrying his child, and I just told him that I'd betrayed him all this time, and now he hates me" I said, silent tears running down my face now. "I don't care what you do. Tell this all to the Dark Lord; I don't care anymore. It'll be easier really, if he kills me. Then I won't need to feel this anymore".
Draco looked flabbergasted now. "In love? With… with POTTER?!" he exclaimed, his eyes widening to the size of plates. "What the hell do you want with him?!"
"I told you already, I don't care what you think, or anyone. It's over anyway". My head was wonderfully empty as I concentrated on the small piece of glass. Sharp. I could make it stop any moment I wanted to; everything.
"A child??? And.. and you TOLD him you work for the Dark Lord?!". If possible, my brother's eyes widened even more. He'd have to start worrying they would fall out soon. I didn't reply, and neither of us spoke then, for a while. When apparently he had gotten a few minutes to get used to the idea, Draco recovered. I hadn't, though.
"So go ahead, tell the Dark Lord what a blood traitor I am. I don't care; whatever the hell he does to me, it can't make anything worse. I've lost Harry. "
Unexpected, he sat down on the floor opposite me. "Give me that piece of glass, Lucia" he said calmly. I looked in his eyes; the same eyes of father, and knew this was wrong. For I had not lost everything. I was carrying a child, a living soul, inside of me, and I had to do what I could to protect him. It was my duty as a mother; I didn't want to be like my mother, I suddenly realised. I didn't want nanny's and house elves to raise my child; it was my duty. Mine and Harry's, but I didn't suppose I could count on his help right now; but I could help myself. I gave my brother the piece of glass I had so clung to mere seconds before. Fortunately I had woken from my reverie and opened my eyes to the truth. Funny how all that had taken was a look of concern; a hint of at least one person still caring for me in some way.
"I'm not going to betray you to the Dark Lord, silly" Draco said quietly, putting the piece of glass away, out of my reach. "You're my little sister, and even though we like to almost kill each other every now and then, that won't ever change".
A gulf of warmth went through me; why hadn't I noticed earlier how much I needed to be loved? How even my seeming inadequate brother could have made me feel less lonely at times? "Not?"
He shook his head. "No. Now pull yourself out of that pathetic depression and let's get to business; I think Potter has lost his thing for whining girls after dating that Chang girl". Resisting the urge to aim every hex at him I knew, I allowed him to lift me up and sit me down on my bed.
"We had a plan…" I said, after that briefly explaining the plan we had made to him.
"You know what, Luce? If he's even a tad better than what I expect him to be, and that's easily possible since I don't expect him to be much of a man, he'll get back to you, eventually. If he really loves you he'll see that you didn't have a choice, that you were trapped between what 'was right and what was easy', to put it in famous words. He'll see that you want to do what's right from now on".
"I'm not so sure, Draco" I said quietly, recognising his words to be those of comfort, more than those of truth.
"You have to sleep now, okay? We'll figure out what to do in the morning, we're both going to be in a lot of trouble for all of this". A look of terror crossed his face. "But they don't have to find out, do they?"
This looked more like the brother I knew; terrified, always wanting to please father and mother.
"I thought you were different than what I had always considered you as, but apparently you're not. You're exactly the same".
"I'm not the one sleeping with the enemy. And if I were I'd be smart enough to remember performing a contraception spell!" Draco replied angrily.
"Oh shut up" I glared at him. "You don't know a thing about how it went, all right?"
"You're right, I don't, and I really don't want to know either, Lucie". He made his way over to the door. "Good night".
"Wait…" I said, in a small voice now. "Don't go". I didn't want 'our moment' to pass. For a moment I had experienced what it was like to have a worrying, caring brother, and now he was gone. I didn't want him to be; I needed someone.
Draco turned around and glared harder at my little pout. "You know, that really doesn't work on me, and neither do the water works." Either way, he walked back over to me and tucked me into bed. "Now sleep, okay?"
I produced the tiniest of smiles; surely what worked on father, worked on my brother as well. "Don't go. You have to stay here".
Draco grimaced and then pulled a rather ugly face, but despite all that got in the bed besides me, sighing loudly. "Only till you're asleep, okay? You better be tired".
"I am". I closed my eyes and tried to drift off to sleep. The tragedy of my present life, however, kept me awake.
"Would it go too far to have a conversation about your upcoming engagement to that slut?" I enquired casually, trying to distract myself.
"Yes. We have to take it slow, you know, small steps" Draco replied, sounding drowsy.
Thankfully, sleep came rather fast after that, and the next morning, my brother was still there.
Two weeks passed without a word from Harry. That, and the pregnancy added up to it made me so sick mother had had to postpone the engagement ball. Day after day I lay in bed miserably, every hour writing another letter to Harry I did not dare send. He made it clear that he wanted to be left alone, and I didn't want to seem clingy or desperate. I was, though. Draco visited me, but we hadn't made any sort of plan at all. He figured I first needed to know how Harry was with me.
At last, two miserable weeks later after our break-up Hedwig came flying through my open window. My heart beating fast, I stood up from my bed and went over the window where I untied the little piece of parchment from the owl.
Lucia,
It's time we'd talk. At our regular place, midnight.
Harry
Very seldom had I seen anything so distant from Harry, but it was better than the awful nothing I'd been tortured with for the past fortnight. I wondered what he meant with it. Perhaps he just wanted to say for real that he never wanted to see me again, that he wanted nothing to do with the baby. I couldn't bear that thought at all, I'd better just think of nothing, expect nothing, or I'd drive myself even more crazy than I already was.
Exactly at midnight I apparated to the place behind the Shrieking Shack where Harry and I had a habit of meeting. Despite my promise to expect nothing, my mind was rattling with hundreds of thoughts. I was frightened. Frightened to hear for sure that my only love wanted nothing to do with my and our child anymore. That he hated us. At the same time I knew Harry was very loyal and noble, and that he would never abandon an innocent child like that. I, on the other hand, was a lot less innocent.
I was surprised to see, when he too apparated here, that he looked just as awful as I did, perhaps even more. Harry too had dark circles under his eyes and looked very tired.
"Harry" I said quietly.
"Lucia" he greeted me, walking over. "It's been a while…" It was hard to say from his look what he wanted.
We sat down without saying anything, until I broke the silence. "I did fall in love with you, Harry. Our love isn't a lie" I pleaded, almost choking on the forming tears.
"Is the child even mine?" he asked rather coldly.
"Of course the baby's yours! I never slept with anyone else!" I cried softly.
"Another lie, Lucie. You slept with Blaise" Harry said quietly. My word was falling apart more every second.
"That was when I was already pregnant".
He shook his head sadly. "I loved you more than anything ever, and I still do, that doesn't just stop one day to another. I gave you more of myself than I ever did to anyone else, and you took advantage of that trust. You hurt me more than anyone else ever could have."
I interrupted him with a sob; I didn't want him to be sad, Merlin, why did I have to confess everything?
"I let myself get distracted, and I shouldn't have. I should have realised that my goal for now is to kill Voldemort". He ignored the shiver that went through me as he spoke the Dark Lord's name. "I won't set that goal aside anymore. People get killed every day, and only I can stop that, Lucia."
I nodded and played with my silver bracelet nervously. "I know you have to be the hero. But please, Harry. Think of us, think of the baby!"
"I will think of that" Harry replied. "I love our child, no matter what, and I just said already that I still love you too, though at the moment I'd rather not, but I can't stop that. I want you both to be safe. But you're still evil, Lucia".
"No I'm not! I..I don't want to hurt people anymore. I've changed Harry! I want to change!" I was blinded by tears, but now no one would pity me. This was all happening because of me.
"I can see you're sincere" Harry said, still quietly. "I don't want to know how evil you were, or what things you did. If I knew I probably wouldn't be saying this. Just this time I believe you want to change, for your own sake and for the baby's, so I'll protect you. But I won't trust you. I don't know if I ever will again".
I hung my head in shame; knowing every word he said was true. I should be immensely grateful that he didn't abandon me in this state, and in a certain way I was, but it would have been better if everything were different. If I hadn't ruined everything. Perhaps I shouldn't have started this in the first place; but what choice had I had? No one could say no to the Dark Lord and survive. I had just wanted to survive.
As with every ball held at the Malfoy Manor the place looked absolutely gorgeous. With the golden touches here and there, and the Slytherin flags priding on the walls and sides of the staircases, it looked every bit the Pureblood society gathering it was really supposed to be. I found myself in the middle of the dance floor, dancing with Blaise. As usually I wore a dress that made other women turn green with jealousy, and my necklace, made of real diamonds, had cost father quite a fortune. It matched the earrings I had gotten on my seventeenth birthday perfectly.
"I'm glad you're feeling better, Lucie" Blaise said into my ear as we waltzed around gracefully.
"So am I" was my distant reply.
"Honestly, darling, you hadn't wanted to miss this" he whispered to me in a tone that made me look at him curiously.
"How do you mean that? It's just a party like any other".
"I have reason to believe that the Dark Lord himself might visit" Blaise said, glancing around to make sure no one had heard this little secret.
I let out a small gasp. "What?" Surely this would ruin the whole plan. I glanced at Draco who was across the room with Tonks, who had metamorphed herself to have long, dirty blond hair and a rather remarkable nose. Only she wasn't Tonks tonight, but Pandora; Draco's new girlfriend. Evidently there was no time for me to change plans or even warn them, for with a sickening loud thud the Manor's doors opened, allowing the Dark Lord along with about six Death Eaters entrance. The whole ball fell silent at once, even the House Elves.
"Everyone on their knees!" The Dark Lord called out when no one dared to move. "Only my Death Eaters are allowed to stand in my presence!". At once the whole room dropped down on their knees, and I felt I had no choice but to follow Blaise over to him.
"My Lord" I knelt down at his feet, Blaise on the other side of me. "How wonderfully surprising to have you here at our home tonight, and for such a notorious occasion as well".
"I have come to congratulate my Death Eaters on their upcoming marriage" Voldemort replied with just a hint of malice. "And because I have heard something most…dissatisfying about you, Lucia".
My heart was beating fast again; it never seemed to get normal these days. "My Lord?" I asked, terrified.
"Yes… You see, I have heard, that you may have lost interest in being a Death Eater".
This time it was more like my heart actually stopped. "Lost interest? O-of course not, master, who would say such a thing?"
Was it my imagination, or did I see aunt Bella grin proudly and knowingly?
"That is only for me to know. For a long time you have served me well, child, yet lately it indeed seems your heart is not in it anymore. Tell me, girl, do you want to be a Death Eater?"
"Yes, my Lord, more than anything" I replied what I would have replied perhaps a year ago.
"Do not lie to the Dark Lord!" he suddenly bellowed, sending a shiver through the crowd.
"There is something you want more. Speak up! Who's child do you carry inside of you?"
I shivered visibly now; doing my best to put up every single skill I had in Occlumency. "His" I eventually replied, my mind blank. "Blaise's".
I hardly dared to look at Blaise now, but the Dark Lord seemed to have no reason to doubt my word.
"Of course. I understand this changes some things. Yet, I still would like you to… prove yourself to us tonight" said the Dark Lord, a cold grin spreading over his now so very ugly face. "Dolohov, Avery" he called out. "Bring them in!".
Immediately the doors went open again and the two Death Eaters came in, each carrying a young muggle girl that couldn't be older than six.
"See here" said the Dark Lord. "My engagement gift to both of you. Make a sacrifice and show yourself still worthy of me".
The moment I saw the children I knew I could not do it. Part the new me, part my mother instinct forbid me to even think of hurting those children. I had no choice. No escape. I realised that all as I got to my feet.
"I cannot".
The Dark Lord arched an eyebrow he did not have. "You cannot?"
"I will not".
From then on, it all happened so very fast. Someone, I suspected Tonks, had thrown Instant Darkness Powder so the room was suddenly robbed of all its light. I felt my brother grab my arm, calling to Tonks to grab the children, and we disapparated well before the real chaos had broken out. Saved just in time.