I'm back in the desert, back in hell. Manny and I are walking with the old regiment and my new one. It's quiet out, but I can't shake the feeling of panic, of something looming over us. Feels like the sun is melting off my skin. Sweat's pouring down my face and getting in my eyes. The saltiness stings, but I don't mind the pain. It keeps me alert.
Manny keeps saying, "I think we're clear," but I keep shaking my head. They don't get it. Whatever it is I'm feeling, I'm the only one because soon everyone's chanting it, "I think we're clear, I think we're clear," over and over again. It's digging into my skull, but I know better. I've been here before.
I start feeling a burning down by my boots. I look at 'em and see that they're starting to melt into the sand and turn into a boiling puddle. I start freaking out. I look at the other men and we're all in the same boat. I try to move, try to get out of my boots but the laces tighten like they're some living thing, keeping me in place. I'm starting to panic worse now, starting to feel my mind go fuzzy. I start flailing, trying to get away. The sand creeps up higher and higher. It's covered up Chris already, and Drew ain't far behind him. I look at Manny. The sand is up to his neck and he's screaming. Screaming for me to save him.
I reach out for him but I tip forward and my hands start boiling into the sand too. I can't get to him, can't even move, just feel the burn of sand crawling over me like flames and hear the planes coming in the background. I try to scream, but the sand goes down my throat, choking me. But it never gets in my eyes. I see my boys falling, one by one, hear that familiar sound of gunfire. The sand is running red now, like a lake of lava, like a river of blood.
"Tommy!" I think it's Manny calling me again, but I can't get to him. Then I hear, "Baby!"
My eyes pop open. I ain't in Iraq or Afghanistan. I'm all tangled up in Nicole's bed, sweating and shaking and out of breath. It don't seem real. Seems like I'm still caught in that dream, like I'm tethered to that nightmare. Her sheets are wrapped around me tight like a noose. I feel like I'm suffocating.
"It's ok," she reaches for me, stroking my hair with her left hand. "You're ok."
I exhale, trying to calm myself down. I focus on her touch, trying to let her rub the nightmare away. I realize I'm crushing her right hand in mine. It startles me and I let go.
"Shit, did I hurt you?" In an instant I'm feeling panicked again, but not for myself.
I know how violent I can get when I'm having a flashback. It works real well in the ring, fuels my anger. But I ain't trying to hurt Nicole. I never even thought about it before, how my nightmares might hurt her. I could kick her, hit her, and if the nightmare gets bad enough, who knows what I could do in my sleep. She's strong for a woman, but there's nothing she could do to overpower me.
"No, no," she tells me, stroking my face with the hand I just let go. "I'm fine," she says.
I don't say anything, just look at her, checking for bruises, redness, making sure she ain't lying to make me feel better.
"I'm fine," she says again. This time she pushes herself into my chest and lays her head on my shoulder. She feels warm and soft, better than any pillow. I wrap her up in my arms and run my hands over her as slow as I can. She relaxes into me, the way she always does, like I didn't just scare her out of sleeping. Her hands flatten out and walk a path up and down my chest, like she's trying to rub the bad dream away. I let her.
It's embarrassing, being so terrified in front of her. Only little kids are afraid of the dark.
Men aren't supposed to wake up screaming. It's one thing for Brendan to see it, but I was hoping Nicole never would. She ain't making a big deal out of it though, hasn't even asked me what it was about. She's just humming real soft, holding me tight, like I'm a fucking baby.
"I thought that maybe after therapy today, that I wouldn't…" I mumble into her sweet smelling hair. She kisses me on the chin and pulls me tighter against her. "It's going to take a while," she tells me, feathering little kisses all down the side of my face.
I like that she doesn't bullshit me. It's a hard truth but it's better than trying to lie to make me feel better. I'm going to have these dreams, the way I have had 'em for years, probably for a long damn time. But it's better waking up to her hugging me than to the crushing darkness.
She's a good woman, better than I deserve. I wonder how I got so lucky.
I wanna tell her something, but I can't seem to get it out. She doesn't say anything more, just starts gently pushing me back until we're laying down. She spreads out right on top of me, like some kinda force field. I grip her hips, trying to show her without words how much I appreciate what she's doing.
"I'm sorry I woke you up," I'm already starting to yawn. Normally I can't fall back asleep after a dream like that. I'm too scared.
"Go back to sleep," she kisses me again and lays her head down. I don't want to fall asleep before she does, but I can't help myself. It's like falling down a deep hole, but a peaceful one this time. I fall asleep thinking of her, feeling her, smelling her.
I don't have any more nightmares that night.
I wake up again. It's still dark outside, but the sky is that inky color it turns right before the sun comes up. It's my favorite part of day, better than the sunset. It's peaceful at this time, with no loud sounds. Everything is sleeping. I think about getting up and taking Nicole outside to watch the sunrise but when I look down, she's passed-out on top of me.
I smile at her. Her hair is all plastered to my chest and she'd probably think she looks a mess. But I like her unguarded and peaceful. Makes me wish I had a camera. I roll her over as slowly as I can, trying not to wake her up. She must be deep asleep because she doesn't even move as I tuck her in and kiss her.
I slip out of her room with all the stealth I learned in the Marines and head out to her kitchen.
It's still clean from last night when I washed it down. I look at her kitchen table and start grinning. It's amazing that thing held up. I don't think I'll test it again though.
Her bed's more comfortable and sturdy anyway.
Nicole has been taking my mood swings like a champ. I know it ain't easy for her.
She looked scared last night after she went balls out and told me she loved me.
It can't be easy, putting yourself out there where someone could hurt you, but she keeps on doin' it, and it's all for me.
I didn't know people could be that selfless. She just rolls with the punches, from me being cranky, to me tackling her on her dining room table and making love to her like the world was about to end. If I keep this up, she's gonna need therapy right along with me.
This surprise visit of mine is probably less relaxing than if I left her alone this weekend.
I know her nephew's coming. She's gonna be stressed when she wakes up.
I decide I'm gonna stick around and make sure this all runs smoothly. I heard her nephew can be a little shit. I ain't ever had a problem dealing with people like that. I'm gonna do what I have to and make sure she has a good day.
I start by making her breakfast. Her fridge is full to the brim, just waiting for a teenage boy to raid it. I make her something just for herself. I ain't claiming to be a 5-star cook, but breakfast I can do. I get out the bread and butter and eggs and start making something I ain't had since Ma died. I think I know how to do it. I butter both sides of bread, cut a hole in the middle and drop it in one of her bright orange frying pans.
The sound of the butter popping in the pan is real soothing, almost like a lullaby. I crack an egg into the center of the bread and stand over it, breathing in the smell of toast and fried egg. It's tricky to get the whole thing to flip over without making a mess. The first time I try, the egg spills all over in the pan, but the second two come out ok. I slide them onto a plate and start making coffee. She has one of those fancy machines with all the buttons and the little cups instead of the regular grounds. It takes me a minute to figure it out, but I have a good time watching it once it gets going. It's amazing the shit people invent.
I can hear Nicole rolling around in her bedroom. It's a nice trick I know, being able to listen. Nothing can teach you to listen like being in a warzone. You start paying attention to shit other people don't even bother to hear, the creaks of the floor or someone's clothes rustling around. I think it might be part of the reason I can be so quiet. You never know what you're gonna hear when you just shut up for a second.
Nicole's bumping around in there. I look over at the clock. She's probably freaking out that her brother is gonna get here and she won't be ready. Sure enough, she comes flying out of her room like a bat out of hell, calling for me.
"Morning," I say as calm as I can. She walks over, trying to see what I'm doing. I yank her over to me and kiss her hard. She tastes all minty from her toothpaste. I press my lips into hers, kissing her slower and deeper than most people do in the morning. But I want her to know how much I love her, and how much it meant to me what she did last night.
She looks a little dizzy when I let her go, but she smiles at me. It doesn't last long though before she's talking about her brother. She sounds like a high school girl afraid of bein' grounded. She don't want her brother to know I slept over. I think it's gonna be pretty damn obvious. A man can always sniff out a lie like that. But I just agree with her.
She smiles at the breakfast. "What's this baby?" she takes a bite.
"Ma used to make it. She called it egg-in-a-basket." I like watching her eat it with that happy look on her face.
"It's good," she says swallowing. "Look at you being all domestic," she teases me, but there ain't no bite to it. I just tug her ponytail. I notice she's wearing my shirt from the night before. Something about seeing her in it gets my blood pumping hard. I'm wondering how long we have alone when her doorbell rings.
I want her to enjoy her food, so I jump up to answer it. She calls after me, but I wave her off. I wanna see her brother for some reason. She knows all my family and I ain't even seen a picture of hers. I wanna get a glimpse of one of the people in her life that mean something to her.
The face I see when I open the door looks a lot like her. If Nicole grew a beard somehow, and a few inches and squared off her jaw, it'd look something like the man on the doorstep. Of course, I ain't never seen Nicole looking as pissed off as this man does. There's a woman and a kid behind him, but he ain't paying any attention to them. He's glaring at me.
"Who are you?" something in his tone pisses me off.
"Tommy Conlon," I try to be polite and hold out my hand.
"And you're at my sister's house because…?" He sounds so damn smug. I've beat the shit outta guys for less.
Nicole gets behind me and pushes through. I can tell she's pissed at her brother. Their faces look the same right now. I picture them as kids. How she dated when she was at home is a mystery, especially if her other brothers are like this guy. She says his name but he ignores her. It makes me even angrier, him brushing her off like that, 'specially since she's doing him a favor.
"What do you think?" I ask him.
"I've got no damn clue, but you've got no business being here this early in the morning," he says. I wanna laugh. It ain't easy to intimidate me but he's tryin' his damn hardest. "This is a family thing."
I feel Nicole starting to get upset behind me. I take a deep breath and try again.
"I'm her boyfriend." I hope it calms him down. I ain't some one night stand. I love his sister.
Nicole tries to talk again, but Mike recognizes me. "He's that fighter guy," he's talking 'bout me like I'm not right here.
"Exactly," Nicole looks relieved, but Mike ain't done yet.
"So now you're sleeping with him?" he almost spits the question out. I get treated to the rare sight of seeing my girl puff up like a viper ready to strike. Looks like she can handle herself against her big brother.
"Holy shit!" a little brown boy with curly black hair is pointing at me with his mouth all open. His dad turns around and bops him in the head. I wanna laugh, but next thing I know, the whole damn family is standing on Nicole's porch, yelling at each other like it's not damn near freezing outside. Mike's wife looks like she might be Latina. I can see parts of her in her son. The boy is still dancing around me like a kangaroo, all excited. "What's up kid?" the boy shakes my hand and introduces himself as Luke. Behind me, I hear Mike saying that Luke isn't staying with some stranger. I don't have a chance to defend myself because everyone else jumps straight down his throat. I take the time to escape to the cab. I walk around the back and haul out their luggage. The cabbie looks at me.
"The fuck's goin' on over there?" he asks me.
"Wish I knew, man," I still wanna laugh a little bit. I start walkin' back and hear Mike and his wife talking to Nicole. I stay back where I can listen without looking like it. Seems like Mike is worried that if his son stays he's gonna get an earful of me and Nicole going at it.
He calls it hanky panky or some shit. I'm dangerously close to laughing my ass off. I can see that Nicole is too. She puts on her reporter face, a tell-tell sign she's trying to hold some emotion in.
"You think I'd just sleep with Tommy with my nephew in the house?" Nicole asks, sounding offended. If bein' horny is Luke's biggest problem, I don't know why his parents are so worried. I remember being that age. If it had tits and an ass, chances are I was willing to fuck it.
He'll grow out of it.
I'm trying to hear what Mike says back when Luke runs up to me, hands up like he wants to play fight. There's something charming about the way kids trust people so quickly. I go along with it, knocking his clumsy fists out of the way and swinging him upside down. He's laughing and yelling at me, but I can still just barely hear Nicole talking.
"He's a good guy?" her brother asks her. I wait for what's she's gonna say. I'm so nervous all the sudden that I almost drop her nephew in the grass.
"The best," she doesn't sound like she needed to think about it at all. I start grinning like a damn fool. She must be crazy to think I'm the best out there, but it's still real nice to hear her say that.
I ain't gonna tell her she's wrong.
Mike's wife is saying that they need to get going, but he grabs his sister and pulls her to the side. I hear him call his son a little shit. I'm right back to wanting to laugh. Mike, even though he's kinda an asshole, is a self-aware man. I can respect that. And I can respect wanting to take care of Nicole too.
She's telling him I might be good for his son. Makes me happy but kinda surprises me that she sees me as a role model. I think Nicole sees the good in everyone, but she sees more good in me than I think is there sometimes. I want to be the man she thinks I am.
I hear Mike apologize, but Nicole waves it off. "Tommy is stubborn. You're stubborn. You'll both get over it." She sounds so sure, just like in her letters. It's like she knows everything will work out, like it's all so simple to her to forgive and forget.
Maybe it is really simple. I look at her hugging her brother and waving him and his wife off and think about Brendan. The times when it's just the two of us, it feels like things could go back, like we could be what we were as kids. Then I start thinking about past shit and get myself all pissed off. Maybe I should just let it go. Maybe bein' stubborn ain't that good of a thing.
I start practicing letting go of shit by walking up the steps and shaking Mike's hand. We talk for a little bit. It's awkward and I can tell we're both happy when it's time for him to go, but Nicole looks pleased with me.
I follow her into the house. Her nephew hauled ass inside, leaving all his shit on the porch.
The boy needs discipline. Even though Pop was a shit dad that was the one thing he was good at.
I sound like him as I bark for Luke to put the food he dug into down and get his crap off the porch. He jumps to attention.
"Look at you," Nicole says to me. We're both watching Luke do the dishes without being told.
"Look at me, what?" I pull her under my arm.
"Being a dad," she says. She's looking at me with those bedroom eyes that get me in trouble.
"You like that?" I ask her.
"I like it a lot," she gives me that devilish grin of hers.
"You know, sweetheart," I kiss her cheek. "It's too bad you promised your brother no 'hanky panky' 'cause you look damn good in my shirt." I kiss her one more time before heading into the kitchen to help Luke. I can hear her laughing and feel her eyes following me.
They follow me for the rest of the day as I play video games with her nephew. He's a talker, just like her, and asks questions a mile a minute. He ain't as bad a kid as I thought he would be.
He just needs something to keep him busy. He seems to like sports. His dad should think about letting him play them.
He looks a little bit Nicole. I keep catching myself wondering what our kids would look like.
It seems soon to be thinking about kids, but I know Nicole would be a damn good mom. She's always taking care of me. She's got that instinct to put other people before herself. I ain't never thought too much about kids, even when Manny started having them. They seem like hard work. But something about Nicole makes me think I can do it. Hell, I think I might even like it.
"Are you going to fight again?" Luke asks me. We're all sitting at her dinner table, eating like we're a family. It's real comfortable.
"Yeah," I tell him. "On New Year's." I'm fighting Rashad Evans. I ain't told Nicole yet. I look up at her to see what she thinks. She smiles at me just a little. We're gonna have to talk about this though. I probably should have told her earlier.
She doesn't bring it up though. By the time night rolls around, I know I can't stay any longer.
It almost kills me leaving. I want to stay, to spend the night, play house. But real life calls.
She walks me out while her nephew is sleeping on the couch. "Your nephew ain't that bad," I tell her. "He's got nothing on Brendan and me when we were that age." I lean on my truck and look at her.
"Thanks for helping me with him," she tells me, wrapping her arms around my neck. I really didn't mind.
"No problem," I smile. "Between your family and mine, our kids are going to have some crazy relatives."
She looks at me like she wasn't expecting that at all. I don't know why I said something so girly.
Probably 'cause I've been trying to think of a way to tell her that I want a family with her, that I love her. Maybe the thing is to just bite the bullet and say it. It takes me a few minutes, but I work up the balls to do it.
"Love you," it ain't no smooth delivery. I kinda just blurt it out like an idiot. But she smiles at me real big, like I just started spouting off Shakespeare. I kiss her again, hoping she realizes that even though I ain't good at saying shit, I really do love her.
As I watch her get smaller in my rearview mirror, all I can think about is seeing her again.
So sorry for the delay! I had the nastiest case or writer's block. Thanks to my beta, Tallulah Lullah, for pulling me out of it. Thank you for all of your feedback and encouragement. Please continue to let me know what you think.