Later that evening, they were sitting on the couch in silence. Sam knew this would be the fight of her life, but she underestimated the devastation that she would find when she got here. Jack didn't throw her out, for which she was grateful, but he certainly wasn't making conversation easy either. She noticed him sitting there staring straight ahead. She wished she knew what to say to help him, but regardless, she was determined to be there for him, to prove to him that he could trust her words of love.

"I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but I want you to know that if you do, I'm here to listen," she told him.

"Talk about what? Kishar? You already know everything there is to know about it."

"Not what's going through your mind."

He gave her an incredulous look.

"Are you really that interested? Do you want to hear what it was like to actually feel Kishar's elation at taking innocent lives? Do you want to hear that I'm wondering how in the hell I could save you and Jacob, but not those kids and their mother!?" Jack's voice gradually increased to a shout.

Sam was wondering if this was a good thing or not. He sounded alive at least.

"When Kishar killed those kids, she looked right at them waiting for the moment that their life left their eyes. And do you know what it felt like? Physically, with the endorphins she set off in me, it felt like I had won the lottery! Like I'd done something wonderful! After that, I wanted nothing more than to die. I don't deserve to take another breath! But I don't deserve the release of death yet either," he spat bitterly.

Tears were rolling down Sam's face while she listened to his heart wrenching account.

"I was able to fight her enough to save Jacob, and then you and the team. But I couldn't save them. Why!? Did I really want them to die deep down? I mean, I've killed children before, without a snake in my neck. And not just Charlie."

His voice trailed off as quickly as it rose.

"You know, a long time ago, I was on a mission. I can't tell you where, but I was to take out a target that was constantly under heavy guard. Since I would never be able to get a clean shot without giving away my position, I was ordered to plant a bomb on his car. I watched as the target and his young son got in the car and were blown away. I saw the kid's burned body hanging out of the window. Kishar had a good time showing it to me over and over again."

"Oh, God," Sam sobbed, unable to keep her composure any more.

Jack got up and started pacing.

"What the hell are you doing here, Carter!?" he yelled, his face twisted in anguish.

"Go home and make up with the cop. He doesn't murder children. He doesn't kill in cold blood and enjoy the thrill. He deserves someone like you a hell of a lot more than I do."

She walked up to him and wrapped her arms tightly around him, burying her face in his neck, bawling her eyes out.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jack. I'm so sorry. You are such a great man, it's awful what you've had to go through," she stammered.

He just held her in his arms for a while. When she was done crying, they sat back down on the couch.

"Thank you," his rough, gravelly voice whispered to her.

She just nodded, continuing to dab her eyes with her shirt sleeves.

"You can take the bedroom. It's more comfortable, and I don't sleep anyway."

She stood and walked to the door where she had left her bag. She grabbed it and headed upstairs for the night.

...

Early the next morning, Jack was walking back to the cabin after a run on the trail through the woods. As he approached, he saw Sam standing just outside the back door with a look of wonder on her face. He turned to see what she was looking at. The sun was just rising over the orange, red, and yellow leaves on the oak trees in the crisp autumn morning. He figured it would do himself well to appreciate such things again instead of taking them for granted, but he was too caught up looking at Sam. Seeing her stunning blue eyes wide and lit up like that had always warmed his heart, and apparently now was no exception, even when he had no heart left.

He walked up to her, breaking her out of her reverie.

"I always thought you would like it here, despite the lack of doohickeys to keep you occupied."

She snorted at him. "You're more than enough to keep me occupied."

"Since you're here, I might as well show you around the place, if you feel up to a hike."

"Sure, after coffee."

...

Later in the day, well after they returned from the tour of the area around the lake not far from the cabin, Sam noticed that Jack seemed a little better today. He was still a mess, but she thought maybe they should talk a bit more about their relationship now that he wasn't as depressed and morbid. She had questions, and she knew that if anything was going to work between them, they still had more to deal with than they discussed yesterday. They sat down on the couch and Sam jumped right in, her gut clenched with worry about his reactions.

"Jack, can I ask you something?"

"Uh, okay."

"Why didn't you ever tell me about how you feel about me? I've had Teal'c, Daniel, and even my father tell me how you feel, but not you."

"Well I didn't tell them either. If Teal'c, Daniel, and your father knew, did I need to tell you?"

She swallowed her irritation, as well as a new batch of guilt, trying to keep this conversation from getting out of hand. The she calmly replied.

"Yes, Jack. Something like that I would want to hear from you."

"Why? What difference would it have made?"

"What difference would it have made!? I wouldn't have even returned Pete's first phone call."

"Well, then that's a good reason for me not to have said anything."

"What?"

"Sam, what did you want me to say? I love you, please wait for me even though I'll probably be dead before this war is over and they finally let me retire?"

"Well, maybe not quite like that."

"So great, I ask you to wait, and then what? You resent me because you missed out on a relationship with Pete while I'm still your commanding officer and can't even take you out for a cup of coffee? You obviously wanted to return his call. You obviously wanted to date him. You obviously wanted to marry him at some point. No one forced you to do those things. If you wanted to wait, you could have waited. I wasn't going anywhere. I haven't been on a date since I was married and my son was alive. You're a big girl and can make your own decisions."

"I wouldn't have resented you. I just would have wanted to know there something waiting for me. You could have said something."

"Sam, I don't say things. I do things. My whole life has been lived in lies and shadows. I can make anyone believe anything I want them to. I know how worthless words are. Maybe I didn't do enough to show you. Or maybe you didn't want to see it anyway. I don't see why it matters now. You know everything now."

She cringed when he suggested that she didn't want to see it. He read her like a book.

"Jack, it matters because I feel awful for hurting you, and I want you to know why I did it. I also thought that if you still felt something for me that you would fight for me, but you never did."

This finally got a strong reaction out of him, his haunted face now showing a pained expression.

"I didn't fight for you? Every God damned snake I killed I did it because it was one step closer to retirement and having a shot with you," he snapped.

The misery on his face broke her heart, and her reply was much softer.

"I know, Jack, that's not what I meant though."

"You mean Shanahan? Should I have laid him out? Would you have come running into my arms?"

She shook her head, but he continued before she could speak.

"I know what you mean, Carter. You mean you. I should have fought you. And that's something I don't and will never do. I would kill anyone who would hurt you. I would fight for you until my dying breath. But why in the hell should I have to fight you? If you want to be here, I'm here. If you don't, there's the door. Whether it makes me miserable or not, I won't tell you how to live your life."

She just sat there silently, digesting his words. He wouldn't tell her how to live her life, even if it cut him to the quick. And he was absolutely right that he shouldn't have to fight her stubborn denial. His own happiness was a secondary concern to hers. If he was going to be happy, she would have to make the decision to do that for him.

His was the ultimate display of selfless love. Giving but never asking to get it back. It was up to her to give it back or not. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she came to the realization.

"Jack, I'm sorry. You don't have to fight me anymore."

She buried her face in her hands until Jack scooted next to her on the couch and wrapped his arm around her. He just held her until she got herself together again.

"I love you so much, and you never have to worry about me putting you through that again."

"Sam, relax. I love you too. And I get it. I'm not angry with you. If I had said something before, maybe I could have avoided the pain, but then we might have other problems to deal with. I'm fine with the way things are now."